How NC worked for me, PLUS desperately needed advice for us.

[supp11]

Hello all. I hope you Easter was great!

 

Ok, I am going to go on SUPER short story mode; my questions are in the last paragraph. After my ex and I of 3 yrs broke up two months ago, we had a huge argument about us (I was basically angry that after two months of "time that she needed", she still didnt know anything). After that argument, I told her flat out, "I dont want to be friends with you", we both said "have a nice life" and hung up. While we were broken up (before this last argument), she would not call/txt me for 3-5 days, then call/txt me and start a conversation, and I wasnt having that crap after two months and her not knowing anything.

 

So, I decided to go flat out NC. I shut off my feelings like a lightswitch, and I went back to my old self of getting numbers, and making out with other women that I just met a minute ago, etc. I just felt deep down that I was missing a large part of me, and I needed that hole fixed. I honestly thought that I would never talk to her again.

 

Well, after two weeks, I get out of work, and she sent me a txt saying "I miss you". I didnt respond. She called about 5 times, and I didnt answer. About two hrs later, she was at my house. She bought me one of my favorite things from starbucks. I went outstide bceause she told me she was waiting for me to come out. We talked for about an hr, and we were both emotional, but we were hugging and lightly kissing. We both felt great afterwards. We have been hanging out when we can, for the past week and a half, and we had an important night tonight.

 

We both asked where we were going with this. We are having sex, and it is passionate sex. We both admitted that we still have feelings for each other. She says that she is afraid that one of two things will happen: that we will either hate each other at some point (if we keep having sex and no goal in the end), or we will get back together, and it will fail like last time. We both agreed that we do not want the sex to lead no where, and we both agreed that it means something, not just sex because it feels good.

 

So here is what I need help with. I told her that we cannot think about this alone, we must talk about this and think about this together, because we need each others input. What do we do? Do we continue to hang out and have sex? How do we figure out where to go? Do we start talking about what we both want in a relationship? Do we start working out our trust issues first, then go through our problems one by one until they are all solved, then take a look at where we are at?

 

I need advice more now, than I did when we broke up, which is weird. Any input/opinions/advice is appreciated! Thank you.

[jasav1]

Right now you're just friends with 'benefits' surely?

 

If she is still being emotionally 'dead' in regards to you and your guys future then just leave her to it until she eventually figures it out. She is not being decisive. She says those 2 things to you - we have sex, don't get back together, you hate me and we get back together, and it fails again - surely you are in a lose lose situation?

 

If she has given you the impression that she wants to give things a go again but wants to take it slow then fair enough - but by having sex with each other, it doesn't give me that impression of taking things 'slow'.

 

I think she just misses your company, hates the idea that you might actually be getting over her and misses the intimacy of a man. I may be completely wrong, but that's how it sounds. That's all great - she misses these things about YOU - but unless she has fixed the original 'issues' in her head, these are just measures of missing you and you are just giving her the 'fix' she needs. After this fix, she might just run off again, breaking your heart all over again.

 

Not sure how much sense that makes, but it's the impression I get. It's hard to really comment as I can only take your situation from those few lines you have provided.

[stickman]

At no point in your thread did you mention the word "LOVE". Only..a lot of talk about sex...."making out with other women that I just met a minute ago".

 

...And after all this time that she needed she only said that she "missed" you.

 

I hate to be so bold but....3 years? Really? No doubt you two have some great sexual chemistry here...but you may lack true intimacy. You may want to try talking and really getting to know your partner.