engraved2008 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 My story starts like this...i met this wonderful,cute,charming guy on internet,and something about his profile atracted me to him instantly. He was writing poems about love and lost and seemed the person that i wanted to meet ,heal his wounds and start a relationship with.We started to chat night after night and the followed the phone calls ,it was so intense ,four month of friendship courtship combined with romance,before we met.There were some signs of bed temper in his actions,like signing out if he did not like something i said,but i did not give importane,i felt the urge to apologize and felt affected by his actions,so drawn to him,and it became like an obsession.We had a discussion right befor we met in person and he did not speak to me the whole week,because i told him that the reason for him being hurt is due to his insecurities caused by previous lovers.I bought him a plane ticket to come and see me since he leaves in puerto Rico and me in United States and he told me he will not come because he was extremely mad with me.Well it was my Birthday so i wanted so bad to apologize and see him and i flew over there in his town,but surprise! He came in my town,so we looked for eachother and finally met and made up. We had a great chemistry and after i left we were talking again every night .He told me his mom was sick ,his dad was having drinking problems and he fel stressed out,him being 30 years old,still in college to become x-ray tech,and he was not working.First time i paid 60 $ his phone bill,and then month after month he kept on askme to help him financially,phone bills and medical bills,and i loved him so much and i did.He made a trip over here for Thanksgiving and i paid for everything bcause he could not afford.I even bought him a laptop to do his school work.He was great and gave me most romantic times.I was so in loe with him and did not care about them oney just care that he is with me. There wer some red flags i did not give importance ,like when i came for Saint Valentine to his home town he didnot want me to meet his family,or put his photos together on internet,also he acted like wanting to pick up fights with me and did not spend the whole night with me while i was at the hotel.However we mae plans an he promised me to come an see me in april.When i came back home he started to back off ,i not call me as much an sai he felt like i put a lot more in relationship,an we are growing apart.I cried an id not want to break up.He still sai he missed me an we will get together later but there was no excitment from his side.he also sai he felt epressed because he is not working an still leavs home with parents and i work an i m also 30 an hve my own place.I loved him early so i wanted to work things out.Well i i not hear from him in a week,so i flew over by surprise last week an called him from the airport,since he has not return couple of my calls last wek,an i tol him i mssed him so much an wanted to make him a surprise an see him.He was not in the town and said really angry that he is really mad at me b ecause i cae there,is tired of me not listening to him,tol me not to call him and to go home ,and delete me from myspace because cannot be with someone who does not listen.I cried an begge him two days on the roll to forgive me if i one anything wrong,but all he sais is ,that it bothers him the way i take decisions ,thats all. It has been over a week an i not hear from him,toay i left him a message to say Hapy Easter an he said,same to you.I loved him ,gave him money,and hope me an him we can build a life together.I feel so depressed about it since my d reams are broken and felt he was the love of my life.Has anyone experienced this or do you have any advice how to deal with this situation?Its so sad that all i have built in a year crumbles in such a harsh way from his part.Have i done anything wrong to cause this? Link to comment
enchanted771 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I am so sorry what you went through. but they always warn not to give money to anyone. just for future reference, dont ignore the red flags. it will save you from being hurt. Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Hon, quit giving him money please. Don't waste any more time with this guy. He using you and very immature even at 30 years old. There are so many red flags reading your post it makes me wonder why you are giving so much of yourself to someone who don't give to cents about you. Find a nice man here in the states and leave this loser alone. Link to comment
meepmeep20 Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 oh wow. please, darling, forget this guy. there were red flags since the beginning. Link to comment
offplanet Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 seeing as you ask, have you done anything wrong...this is my opinion... what you did wrong was to chase after him too much, which is never a good thing, and doesnt tend to make a guy put a high value on you. Also it makes you too clingy, which most guys hate, unless they are emotionally weak. Then, you ignored the signs that he wanted to distance himself, and actually flew over there twice, uninvited, to give him a surprise. That is a very bad idea. It might not be a nice surprise to the other person, and could tend to make them feel trapped. If someone did that to me, I would resent it. Its not really fair on a person to just turn up in their country without being sure they want you there. Then, when he told you straight out to back off, you ignored his wishes, and kept chasing him. This only makes him more decided that he wants out. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I used to act that way myself when I was younger, and now that I'm older and wiser, I can see so clearly why a lot of the people who write here are ending up heartbroken. I think the problem is this: a guy and a girl seem to hit it off and for a while all is great. The girl gets more emotionally invested in it than the guy. The guy gets to feeling a bit trapped, and starts to back off. At this point, the girl, not wanting to face that, tells herself that the relationship was so great and he was so into her at the start, that it couldn't be true that he's losing interest. This is the crucial time to face that reality, and back off, yourself. Instead, some girls, like you have done, become more clingy and persistent, which IMO puts the nails in the coffin of the relationship. It takes strength and determination to back off at the first signs hes losing interest, but really, theres no point in doing otherwise, because it would drive him away anyway. And If you do back off at this stage, it might take the pressure off him enough that he no longer feels so trapped, and might stay with you after all. If he doesn't, then you're still ahead because you have your dignity and self respect that you haven't chased after someone who told you they didnt want you any more. I think it mostly happens that women are more needy of having a permanent commitment than men, especially young men. So when the guy and the woman are hitting it off so well in the first months, the woman puts more store on it than is really there. Unfortunately it doesn't work too well to give so much of yourself to a guy that he feels smothered and trapped, and wants to get away. Leave some room for him to come after you. offplanet Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Well i did chase after him,so thats why he felt pressured.But then again he is a 30 years old man and as i said ,yes it was my fault for trying to maintain the realtionship,but it was a lot of involvement,i done a lot for him,helped him financially,and yes while we were drifting apart,i came over there to try to work out the things...yes,maybe i was too clingy,and yes maybe the guys do hate if we chase them right?Especially after we met on the internet....and me being pushy Link to comment
missvamp Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 as much as you love this guy, you need someone to love you just as much. It is hard, but once a door closes, one opens Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Great advice missvamp and offplanet ! I totally agree !! Link to comment
Pixiedoc Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Absolutely. When I read the post I thought the guy must be about 20 and very immature for that Also, it really does seem like he was using you a lot for money and not putting anywhere near as much effort into the relationship. Offplanet is right, being clingy (even though it feels like the honest thing to do at the time) is always going to push someone further away. If you read some of the posts on this site, you will see that many males (and females) react to that very negatively, but it takes a LOT of strength to back off. Take care. Link to comment
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