General Help Requested

[kitty0724]

I'm 22, he's 37. We've been dating for a little over a year now. In the beginning, things were great. We moved in together, had a couple of disagreements, and after a few months of living together, we found out I was pregnant.

 

As it turns out, pregnancy is a whole other set of issues. He has a great job, makes over 90,000 a yr, I only make 41,000. He figured out that w/his debt and my debt, and a baby on the way that something needed to be done. We started couple's counseling in January to try and get us on the road to recovery, both in the relationship and to set things up for the little one. So far, it hasn't had the best outcome.

 

He thinks that by being in the office all the time, he'll be able to make a bonus big enough to help fix things. This won't come until possibly the end of the year. With him working so much and not spending time with me, I feel neglected and unwanted. I don't like that feeling at all. Tuesday of this past week, we had a productive meeting w/the counselor, and went out to a nice dinner afterwards. After that, he came home to do work and didn't go to bed with me.

 

He didn't get to sleep until about 5am. I go to work at 8am. We didn't see eachother. Weds nights, I have class, and he takes a class. They're at different locations. He told me he was going to work all night, in the office at his work. I didn't like that idea. Our classes get out at 10pm, and I wanted to see him.

 

I drove over to where his class was, and waited for him outside until he got out. He decided to come home, but again, he worked until early morning, and I didn't get to see him before I went to work.

 

Thursday was a bunch of the same, except that I really wanted to spend more time with him, so I got tickets to a baseball game that Friday and invited him to go with me. I expressed to him that it was going to be a good time, and that we'd get to spend some uninterrupted together time w/one another. He said that if he wasn't working he'd think about it.

 

Friday morning, he was still recovering from Thursday, so again, I didn't see him. I tried calling him to make sure he was awake but his voicemail box was full. I was really looking forward to spending time with him since I really hadn't been able to all week. Instead, at the last min., two hours before the game, he decided to go into work and work at the work office overnight again.

 

I decided that I felt really bad, and that he wasn't making me feel wanted at all, and that I wasn't going to sulk around the house all night. I called a few friends to see if they wanted to go w/me, but they weren't free. So I called my ex-fiance, who also happens to be a really good friend. He said sure, and we went to the game.

 

Friday night, when he got home (around 3 am) we argued about not spending time together. When it ended, he finally came to bed. I got the feeling things were okay, but still not great. He woke up the next morning to go to something for his class, which was a non-mandatory 9-5 commitment. I didn't feel like it was fair of him to go to it when I felt so starved for time from him. He went anyway.

 

When he came home, he was in a good mood. I was cooking dinner. He told me he was told by his friends that he needed to spend time with me. I told him about the game, and he asked me who I went with. I told him, flat out. I didn't have anything to hide, and I certainly didn't go w/my ex to make him upset. I did it because I needed human interaction, and I needed to laugh. The week had been hectic. Also, my feelings were hurt that he didn't want to go with me.

 

That's when things really got bad. He took the dogs on a walk from 6:45pm-12am, and then he kept sending me nasty text messages and calling me mean names. When he got home, I had the bedroom door locked, and he banged on it and kept calling me names. I made him an easter basket, and had written a note in it and told him how excited I was that we'd get to make one together next year for our child. He didn't want anything to do with it or me. He called me the "c" word, white trash, told me that he didn't want our child to end up w/my IQ and that I was very stupid.

 

It escalated to the point where I had to defend myself, but I didn't with words. I smacked him. I couldn't handle the neglect and rudeness anymore. I really feel like crap.

 

Today, we were supposed to go to my parents house for dinner. He decided he didn't want to go. I left, then he showed up and thought that he needed to explain to my entire family how horrible of a person I was for going to the game w/my ex. Nothing happened, and I would never dream of doing something to jeopardize our relationship. My ex and I are just friends.

 

Now my family thinks he's a horse's bottom, and he wants to leave me. He knows I've been in contact with my ex, and the other times my ex and I have hung out he hasn't voiced a problem with it. He also thinks I need to help out with the income more, but didn't really explain this to me until now.

 

I'm really unsure what to do. I go see the counselor myself on Monday, and I'm not even sure he'll show up Tuesday.

 

any help would be appreciated.

[alli]

If you guys are making $130,000 a year between the two of you, why does he need to work so much to pay for a baby? Also a little tidbit for you.. the average amount of money spent each year on a firstborn child is about $5000. Yeah, that is significant, but it is 1/26th of your current income. And you can always find ways to cut corners, by used clothing (they grow so fast anyway!) toys, furniture, etc. How much debt does he have and how did he accumulate it? School loans, house payments?

 

Have you discussed this with your counselor as well? It sounds like his need to bring home the bacon is in effect tearing up your relationship.

 

Has it really always been ok to spend time with your ex? For you to bring an ex to something that you originally planned to bring him... well, I can see why he would be upset. You really didn't have anyone else you could have invited to hang out with? Generally, it is not ok to hang out with an ex one on one when you are in a relationship.

 

He sounds rather passive-aggressive with his reaction. Instead of talking about it he went on a 5 1/2 hour walk. That would bug me.

[chaosa]

He's hurt. He had been neglecting you and he's probably thinking, "I neglected her and now she's run to her ex." He's feeling guilt and projecting it on you. To be completely honest, you make a good living yourself at 41k per year, I wouldn't feel bad at all for that. He seems confused, maybe panicking because of the baby, stress from his job. But he needs to grow up, he's 37 years old. I would continue going to therapy, hopefully it helps both of you. Good luck.

[kitty0724]

Thanks. I have validated my understanding of his feelings, and now he's threatening to move out. It bothers me a lot that he doesn't want to stick around, and I realize that I made a mistake by hanging out with my ex. Other times, when my ex and I have hung out, it was with other people around and when I let my bf know about it, it was beforehand and I always got his approval first. He wasn't avail by phone this time, and I do know I hurt him.

 

I still feel hurt for him not spending time with me, and we have talked about it in our sessions. He seems to tell the counselor everything and agrees to make changes, but then he goes and does the exact opposite when we're at home. He left when I told him bc he didn't want to get angry, he wanted time to cool off. Instead, he ended up getting angry though. His walk didn't work.

 

I appreciate the help.

[Scorpion Fury]

yeah he's being a jerk, but did you honestly think it was oK for you to go out with your ex? Come on now. Very few people would put up with that, whether or not something happened or not. It's inappropriate.