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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

9 months later and back together. To all the negative thoughts, it happens every day. Everyone is different so there is no golden rule that you can't go back, even my parents broke up for 6 months before they got married. This is what I did.

 

NC and I meant it. I ignored every phone call/text for months. I deleted her number and deleted my myspace account. I moved, bought new clothes and invested in stupid crap I always wanted. Bowling ball, crossbow, running shoes, guitar amps. I make more plans that I can keep, I have something set up every night. Tons of friends are always looking for someone to hang out with - take a step out of your box and just say yes at least to try it once. I got a personal trainer and I set goals to accomplish like quit smoking and running a 5k race. When you first met your ex you were the man, that's why they were so attracted to you. Well wake up - you are not the same guy they fell in love with. I went on dates with about 4 other women and was very up front. I'm dating people and not interested in commitment as I need to be happy by myself first. I wouldn't date unless you feel like dating. Do what you want that is the key. If it hurts too much then don't. Make friends with people your ex won't know. Disappear - let them wonder what they hell you could be doing. Doing all of this I realised I was making myself a better person and only 2 options existed. Either we would get back together or I would meet someone better. Better then her? Wow I can't even picture that so I became excited about my future. FYI we dated for years & even lived together. Last week not a shot in the dark and today success.

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Congrats

 

- What were the reasons you broke up?

 

- What were the events that happened after? Did you go NC for a while? Did you ever beg?

 

- What was her explanation for breaking up?

 

Thanks for sharing your story. We'd love to hear the details.

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- She broke it off. It just slowly got worse & worse with fighting. She went out more, I withdrew more. There were 2 big issues that she didn't tell me about that ruined my trust - I started to resent her.

 

- After was horrible. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I didn't sleep, I lost weight. Sometimes we would start to talk but it never went well. NC for about 1 week, then 2 weeks, then a month, then 2 months. I kept getting better at it. The longer I didn't talk to her the better I felt but it was very hard. I have gone through it all. Heard about other guys 6 months into it - I got sick to my stomach. This time I stated I'm not interested in talking at all so let me live my life and move on. She kept trying knowing every contact from her made me think she was into me. We ran into each other and we both knew we still had feelings. Which was funny because I really hated her at this point for what I went through and I wouldn't even look at her or say one word. Plus I was with another girl which I have learned now tore her up...I had no idea she would give a crap.

 

- I never got a real good explanation she just wanted to go a different way. Drink with her friends, try new stuff, stay out. Now I see how it went wrong with some space away from her. We first started dating because nothing ever phased me. I had dated girls in the past so I didn't worry about her past. Sometimes a guy would flirt or email but I didn't care because I trusted. Once I lost my trust the wheels came off real quick. She just wants to be her and make her own decisions without any crap. I know this because this is what I want in my own life - to just be me & be supported for being who I am. I just give what I would want. The less I worry about her going out - the less she goes out. The less I worry about other guys - the more they stay away. It makes no sense but the bigger I make issues the more they come up.

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truly inspiring bud... This helps me wonders as i am going through this NC self improvement phase myself.

 

I'm 2 1/2 months into the STRICT NC. blocked her online, deleted facebook and avoided her friends or even driving anywhere near where she lives, because she does live only about 5min drive. I'm sure we'll eventually run into one another as i cant stop that from happening and I am just beginning to hear about her trying to hit the dating scene again, via online websites lol...i dont think id like a girl who resorts to this. What about the fun that goes into meeting someone new out at live venues...

 

It's getting easier but the hearing about her trying to date again is somewhat disheartening, and this gives me a boost to keep going, for what's best. for ME

 

BTW, what where the reasons behind the reconciliation?

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Hey, congratulations! 9 months apart seems like a long time! I've suffered tremendously with just one month away from my ex, but I guess in time I will see what it's like be be at the 9 month mark.

 

Anyways...congrats again! I'm so happy for yall and that yall were able to make it work. Your story is inspirational...that's the main reason my ex left: he wanted his freedom and didn't see himself settling down with me or anybody because of that. Maybe in 9 months time he'll be back. Doubtful. Very doubtful.

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Grats!

 

So when did you eventually break no contact, since you guys did have to do that to get back together right? IE, Did you wait until she said explicitly, "Let's get back together?"

I left a ton of information out just out of privacy. Complete NC for about 2 months I guess. I counted every minute then one day it just started flying by and now don't even know how long it was. She tried contact about 2 weeks ago I ignored. She kept calling till I shut my phone off. Voice message - ignored. 2 days later a text - ignored. I used to not even read them or listen to voice messages. It just made it easier. Next day another text & the vibe just felt different. I waited about 2 hrs then simply replied it was difficult for me. I went to the movies by myself to just not be available. More texts - I just answered questions. She wanted to talk but I wasn't ready, texting was all I could handle. Another week went by and we were going to hang out but old crap came up so I canceled. The vibe changed again so we hung out. It was like nothing happened. Caught up on what we were doing which was funny because it sounded to me like we were both telling each other how great it was without each other - lies. I could see the pain inside. I said I am only interested in pursuing my feelings and I will not be a friend. She kept contacting me so that was my answer. If we try to talk about the past or where this is going, the vibe gets weird so we avoid it. It will be discussed just not right now. I have confidence once again. I know I'm the guy. Family still loves me, I spend the night. I just stay busy and answer any question truthfully. We both had complaints about each other and this time apart - we have both been working on that stuff. To me that is funny. I hate you but I am going to change what you don't like about me. I also realized the break up is a gift. They basically tell you "You are now allowed to sleep with other women." Imagine you actually have the option to do whatever (or whoever) you want. You gotta be the man. Think John Wayne, Frank Sinatra, Brad Pitt. Would they cry on the phone for a girl to come back? Hell no, if they got approval to sleep around someone would get pregnant in 15 minutes. You just have to be a man about it - that's what they want. I didn't sleep with anyone else in between - but she doesn't know that. If she asks I will tell the truth.

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blocked her online, deleted facebook and avoided her friends or even driving anywhere near where she lives, because she does live only about 5min drive. I'm sure we'll eventually run into one another as i cant stop that from happening ...BTW, what where the reasons behind the reconciliation?

 

Perfect. Just keep doing what your doing. Sure it's still hard but tomorrow's lowest is a little bit better then yesterdays lowest. She also lives very close to me so I trained myself to look at the road without seeing anything. It worked. She says she saw me a couple of times and I never noticed. I had no idea - felt like every car that passed I was checking and running though scenarios in my head. People say be nice when you run into each other but I was a jerk. I couldn't fake it even though I told myself I would be polite. Couldn't do it.

 

A couple days after running into each other I was processing what I was feeling and I realized I didn't hate her - I loved her and that's why it was hard. She stated the same thing. I noticed every girl I went out with I was comparing to her. I will tell you this - this break up is exactly what we both needed. I am a way better guy and she is so much better then before. I didn't know that until last Monday - I still was in pain every single day but a little less then before. Another stupid trick I did was every day in the mirror tell myself how awesome I am. It really sounds corny but it works. Look at your life and see what you are proud of. Every day remind yourself why you're so awesome and pretty soon everyone will notice you are changing. It's like a mind game you play on yourself. Tust me she will notice - even if your in NC they can feel you getting better. It's like zen or chi or some hippy BS but totally true.

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Thanks bud...Yeah I heard about being nice when you see them but I dont think i could do it either if I saw her now. She stomped on my heart lol

 

how long after NC did you run into her and how did it go from there? did you guys have the occasional meeting and take it from there ? or did you sit down and have a nice chat ?

 

Excuse all the questions...just curious.

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1. how long after NC did you run into her

2. how did it go from there?

3. did you guys have the occasional meeting and take it from there ? or

4. did you sit down and have a nice chat ?

 

Excuse all the questions...QUOTE]

 

No problems, ask as many as you want. I used to come to this site every day but never posted. It's near impossible to find success stories so when it happened I felt like I owed everyone on here. I read everything and you all helped me knowing this happens every day.

 

1. It was 2 months into NC but broken up 9 months. I didn't see her for about 6-8 months and we weren't talking prior to the 2 months but every couple weeks I would crumble and send a text or something stupid. I condsider those 2 months true NC.

 

2. It went horrible. I was basically on a "date". I had said everything I ever needed to say during the break up and I was just done. There was nothing more to say. It ruined my whole day, and the next week actually. She kept contacting but I ignored. I slowly started responding when I was ready. I didn't think I would, I was so determined to move on.

 

3. We met once and it just took off from there. As long as we stayed off the subject of the past I was fine. As soon as it headed that way I would start becoming the guy she dumped. She knew my intentions and realized she still had feelings. I had no idea but I felt the same way. I told nobody this, I stopped talking about it to friends and family and didn't come here for a couple weeks.

 

4. No chat. Just flirting and talking about life and positive stuff. Yes in my mind I wanted answers but I am treating it as a new relationship. I think of it as I ran into this girl and she likes me. Let's see where this goes without over thinking it. Nothing worse then a guy asking "so where is this heading?" If you asked a new girl after 1 date that question she would split. My ex is no different. It's all confidence and no pressure. Ever date a new girl and you hear all about her last ex and how controlling/needy he was? It makes it so easy because all you have to do is behave better then the last guy. Well I am her last ex and nobody knows more about what doesn't work then me. I have been trained on how to make this girl happy or sad. I can make her cry in 20 seconds, a new guy couldn't hurt her for the 1st couple of months.

 

I realized that one person cannot make you happy but one person can sure make your life a living hell. You have to be happy being alone before you can be with someone else. If they are the only cause of your happiness then you are doomed. When my oldest sister got married my grandfather told my brother in law; "Treat her like the most important thing in the world - no matter what she does." Maybe this girl deserves to be treated like that. If she doesn't then I should go find the one that does.

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"Once I lost my trust the wheels came off real quick. She just wants to be her and make her own decisions without any crap. I know this because this is what I want in my own life - to just be me & be supported for being who I am. I just give what I would want. The less I worry about her going out - the less she goes out. The less I worry about other guys - the more they stay away. It makes no sense but the bigger I make issues the more they come up. "

 

The more u focus on things...the more they appear...its part of the secret..its kind of annoying...esp when u tend to focus and worry about negative thigns....and it attracts them more! I noticed this in my life...its like the second I forget what ever proble it is that im having...it magically gets better....

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So she was contacting you the whole time including during NC?

 

What happened at the end of the 2 months NC that led to the meet up? Did you call her or did she call you or something else?

 

She wasn't contacting me the whole time. Every once in a while I would get some sort of contact but not the good kind. I didn't expect to hear anything after the longest NC which was about 2 months, maybe longer - 3 months? Before that all the contact was me but weeks in between contact and no face-face for maybe 6-8 months. We never talked at all. I'm just using the 2/3 months as honest & true NC. Deleted her number, no emails, no internet stalking, no asking friends what they heard, I avoided her like the plague.

 

At the end of the 2/3 months NC we ran into each other but I did nothing. She started texting then calling then texting again but I was ignoring. (I deleted the number but still remember it). After about a week of effort I saw she was serious and wouldn't give up. They were slow and not demanding like before. I could tell this was different but I didn't plan on responding then one day the right message at the right time and I opened up. The catalyst was I was seen with another girl that she didn't know but it wasn't my plan to get back at her. I was making a big effort at moving on.

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The more u focus on things...the more they appear...its part of the secret..its kind of annoying...esp when u tend to focus and worry about negative thigns....and it attracts them more! I noticed this in my life...its like the second I forget what ever proble it is that im having...it magically gets better....

 

I wish you would have told me this a couple years ago! But without the break up I wouldn't have learned this while I was in the relationship. Once in a while it gets a little overwhelming & I can't focus on anything else. If you have any advice on putting it out of my mind I would love to hear.

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Oh believe me if I knew advice on how to put things out of the mind I would tell everyone! I would write a book on it! I find it really difficult...I am a person who naturally worries about things...always something and it makes it worse. But I noticed when ever I forget...usually it takes a long long time of worry until I give up and forget...it just fixes itself.

 

For example, I went one year in university with my skin acting up...the more I worried and tried to fix it...w diet, creams, scrubs, potions etc...the WORSE my skin got...it was crazy bc I had clear skin and all a sudden my skin breaking out like crazy...the more I focused on fixing my skin the worse it got...and no wonder...i was putting all these harsh creams on my face trying to fix it and stressing myself out so much that it got worse and worse...until FINALLY after one year of bad skin...I gave up...I was getting depressed..I thought okay...I accept it...ill just leave it alone and do minimal...and all of a sudden slowly my skin got better...it took one month...but finally I stopped breaking out and skin startd to heal on its own (i just used normal facewash and moisturizer...no more potions and lotions etc). Anyways then my skin got completely clear...it was funny bc as soon as I gave up and stopped worrying...my skin got better...i did not notice it even until my sister came to visit me and she saw me and was like "OMG what happened?? Ur skin is clear...it looks GREAT!" Anyways...moral of the story...once I stopped worrying it got better.

 

Same thing for relationships....I would wonder why didnt he text yet or call etc?? But the SECOND I forgot...he would call or text...no joke!!!

 

I guess the only thing u can do...is when u start worrying....get it out of ur head...stop worrying and do something else...keep busy and just forget it...in a way...just stop caring so much. I notice the second I relax and stop caring...things r great....If u care too much...u start to worry...so keep ur cool

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How old are you both if you don't mind me asking?

 

Sounds quite familiar to my situation.

 

The girlfriend dumped me even though she still 'loves me' but she wants more freedom now, explore what else is out there etc. I was her first in every way you see. We're both 22.

 

I have visions in my head that in 6-9 months she will initiate some form of contact and I will take her out on a date, lol. In a way that you say - like she was a new girl that likes me. Get a bit drunk, have a dance and have a first kiss all over again. I think it's a big possibility, as daft as it might sound now. I've just got to hope she doesn't meet some amazing guy in those months. My girlfriend definitely feels a lot for me but she feels like this is something she has to do - I think she has taken her feelings for me for granted, she doesn't truly appreciate how great they are and when she genuinely starts to realise I'm gone, I think she's gonna have a big bang. In my heart I know this isn't the end of us, but this break up is going to make us stronger? Maybe I'm deluding myself.

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Im in the same boat as you bud... 22 years old, she ditched me because i wasnt emotional enough yada yada yada... "still loves me" and "want to keep in touch because i still like knowing youre okay" - yet she hasnt ONCE contacted me lol... only contact was by me once to apologize after i realized it was me who drove her away. Made me feel better honestly to man up and take responsibility for my actions.

 

Havent spoken ever since. That was 1 month ago strict NC since then, havent seen one another in over 2 1/2 months...We shall see what unfolds if anything...if not, i know i can get a new lady friend - maybe even find one who'll be better for me

 

I also have those thoughts of her coming back but im realistic in the fact that she likely wont - im one to face reality head on, she always avoided it. And even if she doesn't come back, i KNOW for a FACT she'll regret her decision because im awesome...we're awesome. Maybe not today, tomorrow or 8 months from now, but they WILL regret it. We dont need them...

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She will definitely regret it. I think in my situation, it's a time thing. When she goes out there and kisses a few other guys/date them, she will compare them to me and realise that she already had everything she wanted in a guy in me. It's just something she needs to do. I've felt the same as her at times, like I wanted to get with someone new, it's only natural. But then I have had relationships before, and I realised what a great girl I had. She has nothing to compare me to!

 

Anyway, we're taking over this guys thread! lol.

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She will definitely regret it. I think in my situation, it's a time thing. When she goes out there and kisses a few other guys/date them, she will compare them to me and realise that she already had everything she wanted in a guy in me. It's just something she needs to do. I've felt the same as her at times, like I wanted to get with someone new, it's only natural. But then I have had relationships before, and I realised what a great girl I had. She has nothing to compare me to!

 

Anyway, we're taking over this guys thread! lol.

 

 

haha yea true we are hijacking... I say we keep in touch and update on progress that way we dont go back in NC and unnecessarily hurt ourselves

 

BTW I read your posts again and I was her first everything too...its a bit disheartening to imagine that she's gonna try to get some strange d**k but such is life...cant stop it. And yes those feelings are natural because i had them too...we've been broken up almost a year but all the time weve kept in touch until about 2 1/2 months ago... When we broke we were FB for a while...

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Yeah, I think there lies something I need to do.

 

We broke up a month ago but it's like we're still together, she doesn't really think she's lost me yet. From this day onwards, I'm going NC. If I never hear from her, then fine. The great thing I know is that she will genuinely miss me. It's whether those feelings build and build and build and she realises she has made a mistake. I know this time in 9-12 months I will ring her up, and if she's single, I'll ask her out again - in a friendly way of course, hopefully I would have done some of my own 'exploring' and 'living the single life' by then.

 

I do genuinely believe it's just a time thing for her. Let her live her own life for 12 months. I think she'll get a bit bored. The risk is whether she meets a new guy, but luckily for me, it's her last year at uni next year so I'm not sure if she can commit to a long term relationship. I know for a fact she won't get in a relationship over the next few months, she just wants to live a little.

 

Anyway, I'm blabbering on!

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What was the basic premise of the "right message at the right time," if you don't mind me asking?

 

And you handled it well man, thanks for letting me 'interrogate' you like this. Haha.

 

Any questions are fine. I owe everyone so anything you want to know, just ask. The messages started out kind of demanding. "Call me. We need to talk, why are you ignoring me, how can you do this to me, didn't I mean anything, how can you just walk away?" for about a week. Remember she ended it so I found it quite odd that she was talking like this. The messages slowly changed and became less aggressive. They are our ex's so it's dangerous because they know how to get a reaction out of us. I really felt I had made progress so I had to ignore the path back to the old us. I slowly started to push it out of my mind and not look for contact then one day I wasn't thinking about it and the message was just asking why I was doing it this way? I just said I was trying to move on and this is the way I do it. I am not friends with ex's - just not my style & she knows that. It just kind of slowly developed from there. Almost going back to the same way because she would get annoyed with my slow response but I was confident and once she realized I was interested just not obsessed - it really started to feel right and she started mirroring my style.

I always look at girlfriends like training a dog. Don't take it the wrong way - not in a treat them bad kind of way or they are lesser beings but if you own a dog and you are emotional and aggressive the dog feeds off that and becomes nervous and aggressive. If you're calm and confident then the dog begins to act the same way. People are the same, if you act like a leader people will follow you.

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How old are you both if you don't mind me asking?

 

Sounds quite familiar to my situation.

 

 

I am 29 and she is 23. That is the basis of the end of the relationship. She just needs to do this to live her life and figure herself out. I understand that because I have already done this myself. At first the age difference wasn't an issue but then I noticed she was lacking maturity in certain areas and I would recognize them. "Oooh I remember doing that at 22." So during the break I am working on being calmer and more understanding and she is maturing. She has to decide this herself and sometimes you need to do it on your own to figure out who you really are. But...if figuring herself out means hooking up with random people and acting like a skank - then I am gone. I never say that but I have limits and boundaries without demanding.

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How old are you two mate?

 

You give some good advice. I'm moving on with my life now, but I'm pretty confident this isn't the end of me and my girlfriend. NC is going to be key, grow stronger myself - in fact, do all the things she is going to be doing too - I think we are going to learn the same message - Grass isn't greener on the other side. We have the basis of a very good relationship and the break up hasn't been bad at all. We are just the best of friends, but I think we both need to see what else is out there. I was thinking I wasn't good enough, but I'm slowly thinking that maybe I should see what else is out there too - I withdrew from our relationship just like she has, and I'm pretty sure it's because I just took her for granted. I think/hope this will be the conclusion we both come to, but if it isn't - it will mean I've found someone else Or she has - but even by that point, I will have moved on.

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