It's Sad

[WomanWriter]

I think it's pretty sad that two people who were the best of friends, in each other's lives for years, now can't even acknowledge each other's existence because of "no contact."

 

I understand that "no contact" is beneficial because it helps both parties heal, get on with their lives, gives space to figure out things, grow, etc. but in a way it seems stupid. I say that because life is too short!

 

Say you have a falling out with a family member. I know I have. I hadn't seen my father for years, since I was growing up. I was hurt that he abandoned me so I refused to reconcile when he offered an olive branch years later. People told me I should swallow my pride, that life was too short. That I should make amends. Well eventually, for my brother's sake, I did. He was handling my elderly dad's business alone and I knew he wanted help so I bit the bullet and have begun building a relationship with my dad. It wasn't and isn't easy because my dad is a stubborn man and an alcoholic, but I manage to acknowledge him and keep in my life, with boundaries.

 

Why can't we do the same with our former lovers? Just because family is blood doesn't mean they are better, does it? The Bible says to love EVERYone...and our exes...at least those who weren't abusive, cheaters, etc. are still dear to our hearts.

 

I'm definitely not going to contact my ex to send him a happy easter. He *might* reply back if *I* send him a message but I know he won't actually initiate contact himself. It's just really sad that I went to church with this man and spent time with his family on the holidays and now we are absolutely not in each other's lives. So cold. This just reminds me of the years growing up when my dad and I were in NC. Petty, it seems. Life just seems to short to just ignore a person you love. It hurts to think you going from being each other's family and friend to being nothing.

 

Not to say that I don't think my ex is thinking about me. I'm sure he is. We had a really nice holiday this past Christmas and New Year so I'm sure he's probably down in the dumps. But ya never know. Maybe he's glad because now he can play videogames all day with his cousin and live out his whole bachelor fantasy. Wow. The thought makes me so sad. I thought we were getting married and starting our own family...and he wants to go back to being a little kid. I guess he never felt like he was one and now wants to live the dream. Yes, I am totally assuming. And yes, it's probably wrong to be sitting here on Easter typing this...but family will be coming over for dinner so I'll be socializing in "real life" soon enough and have to keep face. Then I'll be going to see my dad at his place. Just sad my ex is nowhere in the equation when I was closer to him than my very own family.

 

Life doesn't make sense.

[twiceinoneyear]

Oh, I understand completely. I wish to the high heavens that I could keep my ex in my life as a friend. I truly think that one day I will be able to, I just know that right now I wouldn't be able to handle any happy news that he might throw my way (selfish, I know, but right now I need to pretend he's as miserable as I am).

 

Doesn't it seem like such a waste of love, friendship, support and companionship when two people try to pretend the other never existed? Especially after everything they shared?

 

I know that NC is the best thing for me right now, but it does seem like such a shame...

 

Try to have a Happy Easter. Whether he's thinking of you or not... we are!

[journeynow]

Yes, I feel that way too, which is why I thought I could "just be friends" after he left. After 4 months, daily friendly contact and some dates, I hit a pit where I felt overwhelmingly sad, and now I think I need NC, for now. Don't know how long. It does make the future feel so uncertain, our connection could decline even further. I hate the idea of a future without our friendship, but I hate more the idea of a future where I never feel better than I do now.

 

WomanWriter, you wrote thought we were getting married and starting our own family...and he wants to go back to being a little kid..." I could say almost the same thing: "I thought we were married...but he wants to go back to being a kid..." He's 54, and maybe he didn't get enough of being a kid before he took on adult responsibilities in his 20s: a mortgage, a business, a marriage, a family. Sigh.

 

Still, I know what you mean and I have no answers myself. I realize, though, I have to stop looking at the future, or at the past, and focus on the present moment, and it feels healthier for me to try to move on as best I can, since he's made it clear that he wants to be single more than married.

[ellandroader]

Happy Easter WW....I know how you are feeling.

 

Go out, treat yourself to a big Chocalate Easter egg, or a big piece of cheesecake, soak up the sun and remember there is a good life with or without him.

 

I think that NC is really the best solution still, despite how it makes you feel and I wish I had known this when I was younger.

 

Take care,

Dan

[renaissancewoman101]

WomanWriter, I do hope, down the road that you and your ex can be friends. I do understand how you feel. It is both sad and weird that one day one can be close friends with the ex, and after a breakup, you act like you don't know each other.

 

Unlike most people, I do believe one CAN be friends with an ex and that it is something worthwhile if BOTH parties want it.

[heartbroken9]

I agree with you womanwriter..its weird how one person can mean so much to you and then just completely disappear out of your life..We are literally strangers now and it sucks that its like this now.

 

If he really wanted to keep you in his life he would make an effort as well. I dont understand how someone who cared about you once so much can cut you out like that so easily. I know its hard. But who knows, maybe in the future..after both of you have fully healed he will contact you and you two will be able to be friends..

[sandrawg]

This is so sad.

 

I feel like I'm in this nebulous middle zone of which you speak, with my ex. We're also seeing each other infrequently yet not really together...I'm seeing other people because I know the things that made us break apart, and deep down inside I know he's like your ex, and the OP's ex--just wants to be a little kid. And I can't put myself on hold for him and commit to him if he's not ready.

[Nixee]

I agree WW.... this IS sad. This is exactly what is sad about NC.. and it is what is sad about a break up in general. It's just... sad. And it doesn't make sense... Yet, it just is what it is.

 

I'm 2 1/2 years out from my break up from my ex. I've been with ... ugh.. I don't even know how many men since him by now, I'm almost embarassed to say. One "official" relationship, one marriage proposal (which I ran from), one man I fell in love with (who ran from me), a number of men I've dated, a couple flings, etc... but my ex is still THE ex. And it is still sad to me.

 

He is married now... to the woman he left me for. And I no longer feel angry... or bitter. I don't feel in love with him, or like he belongs to me. I don't feel like I want him back... none of that. I feel over it. The ONLY thing I still feel any more is the exact thing you've written about here - the sadness over not being in contact with him - someone I was once so close to for so long. Someone I shared such intimate moments with, and who was like family to me. It is heartbreaking.

 

But... I don't think he wants to talk to me, and I'm not sure, but I guess it is for the best. And though in cases like this it definitely IS sad, that is pretty much all you can tell yourself... that it is for the best, and that it'll get better.

 

Perhaps you won't get to share moments with him any longer. But before long you will get to share moments with someone new who may become like family to you as well. And hopefully by then you will be healed enough to appreciate that fully. That is what NC is about.

[renaissancewoman101]

Nixee, if you still miss the ex, have you tried to make contact with him? To see how he is? Maybe you guys CAN be friends.

 

There is a certain someone who I would love to be friends with again.

[Nixee]

Nixee, if you still miss the ex, have you tried to make contact with him? To see how he is? Maybe you guys CAN be friends.

 

There is a certain someone who I would love to be friends with again.

 

A few months ago I tried to contact him, just to say hello. I'd recently had a close family member die though, so it might have come off sad (I don't know... I really hope not and didn't mean it to.) He didn't respond though. Honestly, I know he must still care and think of me, but I get the feeling that his new wife is uncomfortable with the idea of him being in contact with me.

 

Perhaps I'll try again in the future, we'll see. I know I'll definitely never forget him.

 

Have you tried to contact your someone?

 

It can be tricky I think... one definitely has to take the time to be fully healed and moved on first.

[renaissancewoman101]

A few months ago I tried to contact him, just to say hello. I'd recently had a close family member die though, so it might have come off sad (I don't know... I really hope not and didn't mean it to.) He didn't respond though. Honestly, I know he must still care and think of me, but I get the feeling that his new wife is uncomfortable with the idea of him being in contact with me.

 

Perhaps I'll try again in the future, we'll see. I know I'll definitely never forget him.

 

Have you tried to contact your someone?

 

It can be tricky I think... one definitely has to take the time to be fully healed and moved on first.

 

No, I have not tried to contact him. Have seriously thought about it and posted about it on ENA and every time I post about it, people here always dissuade me from doing it

 

I may eventually do it. I'm not sure. I think I am afraid of potentially getting rejected.

 

I'm also chicken about things.

 

When you tried to make contact with your ex, did you email him or call and leave a voicemail? Just curious.

[viajera]

I agree, it is really sad when you spend so much time and share so much of your heart and life with someone, then completely disappear from one anothers' lives. Of my 6 exes, I'm still friends with only one of them - and he's the one whom I left in large part because he's not very emotionally deep, so we're really just casual friends.

 

Of the others:

When I reached out to be friends with the first a year later, he took it as me wanting him back. The second we split with no hard feelings, but our lives went in different directions and I don't think either of us really felt the need to remain friends. The third and fourth I really wish I could still be friends with. But the third (the 6-year manipulative ex, but the one who understood me better than anyone ever has - of course he used this against me) took every attempt to reach out in friendship as either a chance to try to manipulate me into taking him back, or an excuse to attack with harsh words. The fourth is a really intelligent and creative person whom I respect immensely and wish was still in my life, but I broke his heart when we split, so I'm respecting his wish for continued NC. The latest left for a foreign country where I have no way to reach him, and it's probably for the best that we don't talk, at least for a long while.

 

Le sigh...

[Nixee]

No, I have not tried to contact him. Have seriously thought about it and posted about it on ENA and every time I post about it, people here always dissuade me from doing it

 

I may eventually do it. I'm not sure. I think I am afraid of potentially getting rejected.

 

I'm also chicken about things.

 

When you tried to make contact with your ex, did you email him or call and leave a voicemail? Just curious.

 

I can understand why people dissuade us from doing such things just based on my own experiences.... it is usually a let down, sadly.

 

But then... I also understand the hope. When you were that close to someone, even if you don't end up talking to them, you know that there is no way they have stopped caring or thinking about you altogether. It is simply impossible.

 

 

I have never called my ex though... only ever email. I think I'd be far too frightened to call his phone while his wife was sitting there with him or something. A couple months after we'd split and before NC he actually did answer the phone and speak to me with her and her kids in the car with him I know, and that was very odd.