Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I have been thinking about what my ex said about our contact.What if I do like a midle way between what he and me want? Like for example not cut the sex talk totaly but do some restrictions like for example just talk about it but not do anything and set a limit on how much we talk about it to not end up being every time.You think that is a good idea? Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Please people,help me out Link to comment
Tetsuo_Shima Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I'm not sure what your asking, but if it's to come to a compromise with your SO so that both of you are comfortable then yes I believe that's a good idea. You should talk to that person about it. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Me and my ex were having contact after the break up,we would do and talk about sex.I thought that wasnt right and cuted that subject but since then he wants contact much less often and seems to not like it that way.So I was thinking to do that we still could continue the contact Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Why nobody (besides Tetsuo_Shima) is answering my thread? Link to comment
kenshinkitten Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Ok he's your ex for a reason, right? If you have sex and talk about it with him you're just stringing this relationship along. I don't know if you're trying to preserve the friendship or what but if he can't stay friends with you without having or talking about sex I don't think it's worth it. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 what's the point in talking about sex with someone who you are not sharing it with??? carol, I think you are a bit addicted to your ex and are trying to desperately trying to keep him close to you. You really deserve something better than that. Don't you think it's a bit pathetic that you are trading conversation/ contact with sex talk?? Sorry to be so harsh, but you have been long enough in this situation and it is very clear that the only way you can bait your ex into staying in touch with you is by giving him some kind of sexual favour. I am not sure what you are hoping to get out of it, or what you are hoping he will talk to you about beside the sex. It doesn't sound to me that this person cares about you as a person, your well being, your happiness etc - otherwise you wouldn't need to compromise and "pay" with the sex talk. Please start to see this situation for what it really is and cut this guy out of your life if you wanted more from him, but he is not willing to give it to you Link to comment
pinkrobot Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Penelope couldn't have put it better. And the bottom line is, your whole situation isn't making you happy. Honestly, this guy needs to simply become a part of your past. Move on and find someone who you can be happy with. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I second everything Penelope said! Or third. Carol, you are a lovely woman, but you are acting like a scared girl with no self-esteem. You do not need him in your life, especially not someone who shows you over and over that they do not have much respect for you. I'm concerned that with all of this bargaining you are doing with yourself, you are not allowing yourself to heal, lift your self esteem, and move on. How can you be open to real and fulfilling love in your life when you hang on to someone who doesn't want you and hurts your self esteem even more? Why don't you feel you deserve to move on? What does he offer that you cannot get from anyone else, or better yet, from yourself? Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 I just dont want to stop the contact with him and the only way is to do that.He doesnt seem to like the contact without the sex talk so the only way to keep him around is puting it back in.And since I wouldnt be doing anything and mainly just talking it didnt seem so bad,anyway I dont know anymore.I guess yes Im just desesperated like penelope said and doing whatever it takes to keep him. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Why do you feel you need to stay in contact with him? What is it that you want from that? Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 I second everything Penelope said! Or third. Carol, you are a lovely woman, but you are acting like a scared girl with no self-esteem. You do not need him in your life, especially not someone who shows you over and over that they do not have much respect for you. I'm concerned that with all of this bargaining you are doing with yourself, you are not allowing yourself to heal, lift your self esteem, and move on. How can you be open to real and fulfilling love in your life when you hang on to someone who doesn't want you and hurts your self esteem even more? Why don't you feel you deserve to move on? What does he offer that you cannot get from anyone else, or better yet, from yourself? Im just hurt with relationships.That is my fourth one that doesnt work and I just dont know what more to do.I always end up being rejected,on the first 3 the guys I liked didnt like me back and so didnt want to have a relationship with me.And with my ex he said he loved me and we had a relationship but he acted like if he didnt care much many times.I guess I just dont believe that I will found the one and Im just tired to keep going trough that. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Why do you feel you need to stay in contact with him? What is it that you want from that? I love him yet,so I just cant let go Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 "Im just hurt with relationships.That is my fourth one that doesnt work and I just dont know what more to do.I always end up being rejected,on the first 3 the guys I liked didnt like me back and so didnt want to have a relationship with me.And with my ex he said he loved me and we had a relationship but he acted like if he didnt care much many times.I guess I just dont believe that I will found the one and Im just tired to keep going trough that." Carol, I understand where you are coming from. You are me ... two years ago. Seriously. What I say now is going to hurt, but it's tough love. If you don't learn to love yourself, increase your self esteem, and put yourself first, you are not going to build a lasting, loving relationship. You might have some long term relationships, but they'll frustratingly fade away. It happened to me. You know why? Because a man won't respect you if you don't respect yourself and a man won't truly love you unless/until you truly love yourself. It's hokey and corny, but it's true. Positive people attract positive people. Smiles are infectious. So too goes self-love. Love from within begets love from without. OK, so the goal is to find a long lasting, loving relationship? Let's start working hard on you ok? I can't guarantee that the next relationship will last forever but you'll know a) how to get out sooner when you don't get what you deserve b) have a much better experience overall than in the past and c) learn a lot about yourself and your own strength. Best my dear. PM me if you have any questions about specific strategies. Link to comment
pinkrobot Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Im just hurt with relationships.That is my fourth one that doesnt work and I just dont know what more to do.I always end up being rejected,on the first 3 the guys I liked didnt like me back and so didnt want to have a relationship with me. The thing you need to realize is, continuing the sex talk with your ex isn't going to solve any of this. It's just going to go on long enough that you'll realize even that won't make for a perfect relationship, and then your feelings will be hurt even worse. Believe me, I've been through some bad relationships too (actually, I think almost all of us can say we have!), but you have to have a positive mentality while moving into the future in order for one to ever work out and make you happy. You know that cliche "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" Well, look at it like that. You've been hurt before, but you should learn from those experiences so that you can put your foot down with stupid men like this ex of yours and move on to someone who ISN'T like that. That's the only way you'll ever end up happy in a relationship. Link to comment
diabolik Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Carol, maybe it will help to get a guy's perspective. Re-read Penelope's post 5x. That was spot on. This guy does not love you, and since he only said it, but didn't show it, he was not in love with you (and he was a d-bag to boot for lying about it). Your talking sexy to him will not bring him back. Maybe he's using you for phone sex? You cannot make him come back or make him fall in love. So if you want a friendship, tell him that and see if he's cool with that. And you should speak the way friends speak. I discuss sex all the time with close female friends, but it's not "sexy talk". Im just hurt with relationships.That is my fourth one that doesnt work and I just dont know what more to do.I always end up being rejected,on the first 3 the guys I liked didnt like me back and so didnt want to have a relationship with me. You better toughen up girl. How many men or women do you think find true love after dating 4 people? Because a man won't respect you if you don't respect yourself and a man won't truly love you unless/until you truly love yourself. Amen, sister. Carol, there are lots of guys who have very low self-esteem, some very good looking, who would LOVE to date you. But I'm afraid you wouldn't be attracted to them, or not for long anyway. Well, guys will react the same way to a woman with low self-esteem, even if she's physically gorgeous. Link to comment
Anusha Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Thank you I see your point.I did tell him on my last email that I wanted a friendship,that my point when I asked to keep contact after the break up was to know how each other is doing and had nothing to do with sex.And I said that I dont go talking sexy talk with my other friends too so there was no point in doing it with him.He havent replied yet but the last time he talked with me about it he said he wasnt liking much how our contact is now without it.I just wanted to keep him around but I see the point when you and the others said that Im not respecting myself so Im thinking about it all some more. Link to comment
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