seeing them on facebook made me feel awful

[chocolates]

I had this group of friends. Im in my 30s

 

then a couple of years ago , nearly 3 actually, my father died, after a long and horrible illness from cancer.

 

For about 6 months i was pretty much inconsolable.

 

This group of friends, included:

 

Matt who was gay we were best friends and had been for a few years.

 

Alisha, along with her girlfriend

 

my best friend of 20 years Joanne,

 

another good friend of mine Caren, and her boyfriend Brad.

 

 

A few months after dad died, me and Matt, and Alisha, and Joanne arranged a trip home to my hometown wherte my mum lives. Its a scenic area, and we boked a cottage.

 

Anyway it was booked for just before xmas and we booked it 3 months in advance. I was looking forward to it because it was the first xmas without dad and i needed the distraction.

 

A few days before we were going, Joanne started acting distant and she told Matt that she was pulling out because she had to xmas shopping etc. he was pissed off, but it was me who was more pissed off, and I rang her and told her she was self centred.

 

Then Matt pulled out because he couldnt get a lift, and then me and him had a fight because , i dont know, he didnt want to get a lift with a friend of mine.

 

Anyway, I had been clinging onto him ever since dad died. After dad died i felt liek i was going to keep losing friends or things or possessions, just feared loss, and i clung onto him.

 

Oh meanwhile, Joanne had rung him and * * * * * ed to him that i called her self centred, and because he was mad and me for being mad at him it culminated after new years in him calling me when i was 600km away and teling me that our very close and dear friendship was over.

 

So I was a mess to say the least.

 

A couple of months later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.

 

Meanwhile me and Joanne were still on speaking terms, but she was hanging out with the group, when before, she didnt really have much to do with them socially, I was sort of the link between them if you know what i mean.

 

So I had to go out of town to be with mum during her operations and chemo, and I kept in touch a bit with Joanne ,and Alisha on the phone.

 

When i got back, Joanne would come and see me and tell me all the fun she had been having with the group, but would tell me that i couldnt be invited because of the falling out I had with Matt.

 

Even caren, who i had been friends with for 7 years, and helped her through so much stuff with her chronically depressed mother and horrible family, a=she said that she couldnt see me because of Matt. See her boyfriend, Brad, had year earlier become friends with matt, when she and brad had broken up.

 

So she was being loyal to Brad, in that if Brad was to be friends with matt. then she felt she had to choose.

 

It was unbelievable

 

And my friend of 20 years, Joanne, my best friend, would tell me of their adventures, social activities, all the while telling me she couldnt invite me.

 

Around this time my mother died.

 

So its been about 2 years since all thi shappened.

 

I still cant get my head around it. basically because of one person,. Matt, i lost my whole group of friends, And ironically it was me that introduced them all to each other.

 

So i have recently joined facebook and looked up Alisha, because nothing bad ever happened with us, it was just to hard to stay in contact because of her connection to Matt.

 

So i just sent her a message saying hi, etc, harked back to some private jokes, but i looked at her friends list, and there they all were.

 

I just feel so angry, just so unfairly treated. When i saw their photos i felt sick in the stomach, just a really heavy feeling.

 

My only mistake was to cling onto someone because my father died. It was a horrible grief i went through, and i just honestly dont know how lal this happened.

 

So really i have lost the link to my past, all thses friends, and both my parents.

 

I dont have any friends now, because they were all in the one group, all interconnected.

 

me and matt were really close, i guess it was liek what happens when couples break up, even though he was gay. People just took sides, in my abscence, when i was with Mum.

 

Am i to blame? Are these people right? Were these good fiends?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Am i to blame? Are these people right? Were these good fiends?

 

No, they're horrible actually.

 

I read your thread right the way through, and I really felt for you. Your friends sounded heartless, cold and nasty to be honest. I'm nicer than that to people I barely know, let alone close friends.

 

You know what? They deserve each other - when things go wrong for one of them (and in life it always does!) they will find out that these great friends are like a chocolate teapot.

 

I'm sorry you feel bad, but cut them loose. If it helps, write a letter to Matt (but don't send it!!!! telling him what a jerk he was. Then burn it. Then move on.

 

Focus on you and establishing a new support system. I know it's hard, but it can be done. Hang in there, I'm sorry - your story sounded terrible, and I think your friends were horrible.

[chocolates]

I did send him a letter at the time, but it was more of a "i dont understand why" letter.

 

I mean i was in a pretty bad state of mind then, grieving over my dad, and actually this was all happening around the time mum was diagnosed.

 

I am not in contact with any of them, and havent been.

 

With Caren, i was very angry at her, I had been there for her during her absolute darkest days, and she just wasnt there for me. And she is a social worker.!!!!!!!! She is one of these women who put men before her female friends, and thats why she took the Matts side, because her boyfriend had become good friends with him. I guess it was easier for her.

 

I sent a very nasty letter to her after all this happened. I shouldnt have, but she really let me down. I sent the letter after mum died, when she didnt send a card. I know that was wrong of me, but I really meant every word i said.

[britt92084]

these were, and will not ever be good friends.

 

when my grampa died... I told my friends. My friend had a wedding the weekend of my grampa's funeral and wake... so I expected no one to even worry bout me. which was fine with me.

 

bout two hours into my gramps wake, I saw four of my friends walk in... friends I would of never expected to see at the wake. it really made me realize they are good friends. I had never expected them to come.

 

friends are there for you no matter what. for you to go thru something like your dad dying, then your mom getting sick. that messes a person up in the head.

 

your friends should of been there to talk you thru it... they should of understood you were goin thru a rough time and waited it out til you were better. but they didnt.

 

they sound like selfish jerks if you ask me. and it sounds like they were never really your friends.

 

if I were you, I would try and move on from this incident. once you do you will feel alot stronger.

 

and dont request to be any of those jerks friends. your better than that

[chocolates]

I'm actually not really angry with Matt, im angrier with the others.

 

I just feel, so cheated and feel like the whole thing was so unjust.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Ah okay; well if you've done that, then you have burned all bridges.

 

It's time to move on from these friends - just cut them loose There is nothing to be gained from trying to figure them out any more.

[chocolates]

they all came to dads funeral, but that was before any of the bad stuff happened. It was after the funeral, in the months after that i really started to unravel.

 

I saw photos of them all together on facebook tonight and i felt sick and sad.

 

I would never request them to be friends.

 

Alisha didnt do anything wrong to me, she was more a side person, and she was also best firneds with matt, so things got weird for us to stay in touch.

 

i didnt friends request her tonight, i just sent her a message.

[alli]

Wow, what crappy friends they were. When you needed them the most, they really dropped the ball. Then basically ousted you. That sucks that you don't have a group of close friends anymore, but if you introduced all of these people to each other I'm sure you have the ability to make new friends.

 

And I think Matt holds the most blame here for putting everyone else in a situation that they must choose between the two of you. But the rest of them aren't mindless followers, they hold the blame too when they decided to drop you.

[chocolates]

Yeah, I know, he does really. Actually i dont know what it was, but they followed him. I was out of town with mum, so there wasnt much i could do.

 

i am just feeling uneasy because i saw them all on facebook. I dont even know how i ended up finding them. I think i was just looking for Alisha, and then stumbled accross the others. I didnt really imagine any of them would be on facebook.

 

I need to move on from this, but it really has done my self confidence a lot of damage.

 

I also feel uneasy that i did message alisha, and I hope she doesnt think i want to add her or anything. And i hope she doesnt think i am trying to see evryone again. I know she felt sad about the whole thing with how everyone treated me at the time.

 

Just really grates on me seeing them togegther and happy in photos. Grated on me seeing Caren especially. She never really liekd them. It seems liek now Ive gone they all got closer.

[chocolates]

anybody have any comment?

[chocolates]

idont know how to get my confidence back, and i feel like its too late for me in life to make more friends, and i also dread having to tell any friend i make what happened, I mean who wants to be friends with someone who lost all their friends?

[chocolates]

anyone?

[Kinetics]

I think others have already said what needs to be said, but let me just add one more thing.

 

You need to stay away of Facebook, or please stop looking over the profiles of those douchebag friends of yours...it'll just keep eating you on the inside.

[chocolates]

Yeah i have only looked the once, and i dont know how it happened. I think i was looking up the girl i messaged, and didnt expect to find the others. Yu know how it is on facebook you look up people and tehn end up somewhere else.

 

It really tore me up for a few days. I've been blaming myself for their behaviour for so long, but maybe really it was them who were the douchebags.

[kopzilla]

Hi..what happened to you is extreme rejection at a time when you were already in grief.

 

Since I assume you had no one to turn to apart from your "friends" your natural reaction was to cling to them.

 

first of all, you have to completely break free from the past and have no contact with them whatsoever. Just forget them and bury the past.

 

and remember Facebook is just Fakebook....its just another trend for kids who want to fit in and feel good about themselves by uploading their pictures and trying to show people how cool they are...dont get sucked up by these things.

 

The problem would arise when if some of those in your group repent and come back begging for forgiveness...I say forgive them...but dont be attahced to them...act as if you really dont know them well enough...

 

actually I feel there are lots of people ut there who face these problems...I for one feel the same about friends and friendships all the time...sometimes they would act as if they are genuinely interested in you ...and sometimes they would behave just the opposite...

[chocolates]

Thats what it was, just a kick in teh guts when i was already down.

 

They wouldnt ask for forgiveness, because they have each other, and dont need me.

 

These people are in their 30s.

 

I hated facebook and i dont even know why i joined. I mean its all bull, all thses people who have 397 friends listed. You cant possibly maintain 396 real friendships. Its all so fake. Yeah Fakebook.

[Kinetics]

Thats what it was, just a kick in teh guts when i was already down.

 

They wouldnt ask for forgiveness, because they have each other, and dont need me.

 

These people are in their 30s.

 

I hated facebook and i dont even know why i joined. I mean its all bull, all thses people who have 397 friends listed. You cant possibly maintain 396 real friendships. Its all so fake. Yeah Fakebook.

 

Well, age doesn't matter. I have friends in their 30s who still act/are immature.

 

One of my ex showed up on Facebook once. I saw her profile and then blocked her. She sometimes shows up on my friends' photos, but I largely ignore her existence. She only shows up when she breaks up with someone, that's not how friendships work really...but my friends can't help it cuz she's so gorgeous haha.

 

Anyhow, Facebook is like any other tool, it can be a double edged sword. The number of friends don't matter to me, half of my 'friends' are old high school classmates who just decided to add me but I don't really care about. They don't even write to say hello and probably just wanted more 'friends' in their list. Whatever, to hell with them. The fakeness can get to all of us sometimes, but I try not to get sucked in to all that.

[grace angel]

I know how you feel. I sometimes have the same issue with facebook. These people treated you horribly and the sooner you forget about them the better. But I know the feeling of not feeling like you can make anymore friends and still being attached to people who treated you badly, or at least feeling left out of their lives now, and having no one to replace them with. But I say, it's better to have no friends than false ones. Once you get over the I can't find new friends mentallity, you will find there's other friends out there who will tell you and show you these people were losers.

[chocolates]

thanks Grace

[grace angel]

I hope it gets better. It's unfortunate you lost not just one friend, but every friend. But, people prove themselves in the tough times.. or not. And your friends proved what they were, they showed their true colors.

[chocolates]

Its because I had the one group of friends and they were interconnected. And when me and the guy had the falling out, it was kind of like when a couple splits- people take sides. And i guess because i was having a bad time anyway, and was away atthe hospital with mum, that it was just easier to side with him.

 

I just wasnt around.

 

It sounds like there must be more to the story, to make them turn their back on me, but there really isnt.

 

I do look back at the grief i was in, and can see how it happened. Just to give an example. Dad died in April. In about August, i decided i would put togther a special photo album about my father. See most people in the family, like mum dad and me, and grandparents were avid photographers. So i have literally thousands of photos.

 

So i went to this department store to pick out a really nice album. One with black pages, a nice cover, and the sort you can stick those corner things on the photo.

 

So I was quite emotional even going there and picking out this album. And so i picked one, and it was wrapped in plastic, and i asked the lady if she could unwrap it so i could look inside. She was really rude and said "well its black inside" And she basically refused. I walked away, and kept looking around, and this older man, a shop assistant just said to me "can i help you?" and his face was so soft, I just burst into tears, and was just uncontrollable.

 

Anyway I told him about the woman, who wouldnt let me see inside, and my dad.. oh i was a mess.

 

Then a couple of months later was when the trip was cancelled and matt ended the friendship.

 

So i really wasnt in a good frame of mind, and i just feel tyhey should have stuck it out with me.

[bulletproof]

While I agree with the others posting here that friends should be supportive in times of grief, is it possible that you were being slightly abusive towards them? Maybe they felt that you were taking out your depression/grief on them. For example, your friend canceling on you for the xmas trip... she likely didn't mean to hurt you. Their lives are still their own, and they're allowed to spend xmas anyway they'd like. Calling someone self-centered, whether it's true or not, isn't a good idea.

 

However, what's done is done, and it doesn't really matter who's at fault now. Regarding facebook, I understand getting a little lost and finding yourself on someone's page, but it is your choice to click on the photo albums or not. If it's truly hard for you to control yourself, I'd say cancel your facebook account. It doesn't seem worth it.

 

It's never too late to make friends, btw. I am in my thirties and relocated to a town where I knew nobody, and I've made a nice handful of friends so far. It's nobody's business what happened with your prior friends, and I would not offer that information when meeting new people.

[chocolates]

It was only the second argument that i had had with her in 20 years.

 

And all i said was that she was "self centred". I dint abuse her verbally in any way. Didnt even swear at her. Even at the time, my mother who was still alive thought it was bad of her to cancel.

 

I just think they were fairweather friends.