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Am i still living in the shadows?


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First of all i dun know which category this thread shld go into.. But first let me narrate what i have been through..

 

I have a lot of boyfriends in the past and there was one guy whom i loved a lot gave me lotsa of problems whereby i reach a point in time i cannot concentrate on my studies and i failed university, and suffered from depression

 

And now whenever i think about him backstabbing me by patching back with his ex girlfriend somehow i felt very broken and an old numbing pain came back..

 

What was very painful now is that i trust this ex of mine a lot. I came to know him when he was having a difficult time with his ex and they were arguing a lot in a chatroom. And i came to know him when i intercepted their argument and of coz with lotsa of other chatters siding his ex gf instead of him..

 

Initially i tot he was already through with his ex when he accepted me as his gf.. (as according to what he said as through) But through the dating days we were together he somehow still gave me a feeling that he still love her alot ... And of coz when we were dating, tat ex gf of his would harass me just to get her ex back..

 

And of coz finally i gave up on him and asked him to go back to her.. Of coz my heart is already very broken when i was doing this.. Feeling kinda of sad..coz he doesnt seem to love me much.

 

But what was worse is even though he and his ex patched back, they got a whole group of their friends to tease me and scold me when i was already very upset.. And this results in me not being able to concentrate in my studies as i would spend hours in the chatroom arguing with them..

 

Now i think back about it, i find that i couldnt trust people in the chatroom again.. And when i was at work (i have starting working now) i meet people of the similar traits as my ex i just wan to avoid them, and avoid spending time talking to them..

 

And whenever i have problem at work or was very upset with people.. i think of the past i feel my pain again and it refuse to go away for years...

 

And thou my ex bf's frd told me how well they have moved on.. i felt like i am a scapegoat used for their arguments only..

 

Thou my ex bf's frd told me how well they have moved on now.. i still feel the pain like why my ex didnt clear things up with his and his ex gf's frds then.. And why wasnt i with him as frds? or i am just being used?

 

And what is more sick is through the process i got to know that ex gf's frd of hers and how he was very curious abt how i broke up their relationships and how she wan him to woo me and dump me.. And now he still tell me sick sexual jokes like wanting to woo me and also tell me how well she had move on to prove to me past has ended.. But instinct tells me otherwise.. i have learnt so much from hurt..

 

Now i only wan to make new friends.. 1st where can i find them and start my life all over again? I do feel lonely sometimes.. and 2nd can i truly move on and forget abt my past?

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My heart goes out to you. We all go through some lonely times when working out grief and considering a new social scene. With time we learn to be more careful about involving ourselves in other people's drama. For instance, by not dating people who are freshly coming off a breakup. As you've learned, people do get back together, and you don't want to position yourself as a casualty of that. It's also not a good idea to meddle in other people's relationships--not just because it's 'wrong' but because you get burned that way.

 

It's smart of you to drop that group and start over again. It's uncomfortable for a while, but you're really not missing anything. It's normal to take some solo time to regroup after a rough time.

 

Don't project your emotional stuff onto people at work. The job is not a therapeutic environment, it's work. If you keep your social life separate from the job, that will keep you drama-free in the work zone, and as you come to spend more time working you'll understand how important that can be.

 

I hope you'll write more if it helps. Keep the faith that things will get better. Mistakes are just lessons we needed to learn, and we can take the knowledge we've gained from them and move forward without becoming emotionally scarred for our experiences. That's a decision you get to make. I hope you'll choose wisely.

 

In your corner.

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