Does your girfriend have to come?

[lightdancer]

So I find it hard to make friends. I don't meet that many people, but I’ve met this guy who I’ve become quite good friends with and I’ve found that I can open up to him more than I usually can with a lot of people. But he comes with a girlfriend, and they’re very much a do everything together kind of couple. I’ve had a lot of awesome one on one conversations with him when it’s just been him and I, and we’ve really bonded, but when his girlfriend is around, either the conversation is a lot less interesting, or I reveal stuff about myself in front of her like I normally do with him, and then feel vulnerable because I wouldn’t normally open myself up that much to her, because I don’t think she has really gives a toss about me. If she talks to me, it’s only when he is talking to me, because she wants to do what he’s doing. As much as it means a lot to me that I’ve made a friend who listens to me, and values what I have to say, I’m thinking of giving up on us really establishing a solid friendship, because I feel like I can’t be friends with just him. I have to put up with his girlfriend being there most of the time. I’ve never been in a relationship , so I don’t really understand why two people cease to be individuals, and then expect people to take them as a unit, even when they’re extremely different from each other. Should I just accept that he comes with her? Because if I have to have her present every time I want to hang out with him, I don’t know if I can be bothered. Is it wrong or rude to say to a friend when I call him to catch up or something, if it can be just us? Or should I just forget it and find new friends who are able to form friendships individually without their SO necessarily being part of it? Cause I really just don’t get it. (I'm a girl by the way)

[Blue Streak]

First off, do you like truly like him more than a friend? Be strait with yourself.

 

Also, as a strong woman, you need to be able to look at it from the GF's perspective. You seem to only be seeing from your perspective. All your sentences contain "I" in them.

[impossible]

Its nice that you have found someone as a friend that you can be really open with. it is hard to find... are you wanting more with him tho?

 

You said the girlfriend doesn't give a toss about you - or it appears that way - wouldn't be suprised if its crossed her mind that your trying to take her boyfriend.

 

Think of it from her perspective. You have a boyfriend. A new girl continues to try and get close to him, contact him, and want to spend time with him - what would you think? She trusts him, she may not trust you. Not saying you would do anything or want anything, but she isn't to know that.

 

Starting a friendship with a member of the opposite sex who is in a relationship can be tricky and dodgy.

 

If you were friends with the girl and the boyfriend tagging along it might be different story, but as silly as it is, trying to become friends with a guy who is with a girl already, isn't going to be easy. He has a commitment to her. Not you.

[gidget1]

What do you have against her?

Why don't you try talking to her and getting to know her as well as you know him and maybe the three of you can be good friends.

If he likes her enough to be with her and spend all his time with her, you must be able to see the good sides to her.

[cuddi]

A real friend would respect the decision of their friend to bring their significant other around with them. I think if your friend wants his girlfriend there, you should respect those feelings and allow the girl to be there.

[orangesoda]

Are you a guy or a girl?

[lightdancer]

What do you have against her?

Why don't you try talking to her and getting to know her as well as you know him and maybe the three of you can be good friends.

If he likes her enough to be with her and spend all his time with her, you must be able to see the good sides to her.

 

I have nothing against her. But just because he jells with her well doesn't mean I will. I can't be bothered being friends with her. It would be contrived.

 

A real friend would respect the decision of their friend to bring their significant other around with them. I think if your friend wants his girlfriend there, you should respect those feelings and allow the girl to be there.

I respect his decision to have her tag along most of the time. It just means that I will choose to hang out with him less, and eventually let the friendship die, because when she's around, we don't connect like we do one on one.

 

Are you a guy or a girl?

 

I'm a girl. what does it matter?

 

I have a question for people who have been in serious relationships . If you were in a couple, and you met someone who you hit it off with, but who didn't hit it off with your SO, would you try to occasionally have one on one time with them? or would you just expect them to take it or leave it? Because I think he does value my friendhsip, it's just that he's going to lose it if he continues to bring her along every time we hang out, because it's boring when she's there. The conversations are shallow, and it's a waste of my time. I'd rather stay home and read a book than sit around making small talk, and that's what always happens when she's there.

[cuddi]

I'm a girl. what does it matter?

It does matter...

[yellowcal]

The fact that you have such a problem with your "friends" girlfriend leads me to believe you are possibly wanting more than just a friendship with him. Otherwise you wouldn't care whether he had a gf or not. Truth is, this is a new friendship he had a girlfriend long before you came in the picture it isn't fair to him for you to expect him to want to do stuff without his girlfriend being around. Personally if my guy met a girl who wanted to only do stuff with him and got upset about me being around I wouldn't like her and would probably try and steer my guy away from her for the simple fact that if you want a friendship you can accept he has a girl and be friends with both of them or just leave it alone.

 

 

 

I have nothing against her. But just because he jells with her well doesn't mean I will. I can't be bothered being friends with her. It would be contrived.

 

You can't be bothered by being friends with her? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! This is your "friends" girlfriend you either be friends with her too or find another friend.

[yellowcal]

I have a question for people who have been in serious relationships . If you were in a couple, and you met someone who you hit it off with, but who didn't hit it off with your SO, would you try to occasionally have one on one time with them? or would you just expect them to take it or leave it? Because I think he does value my friendhsip, it's just that he's going to lose it if he continues to bring her along every time we hang out, because it's boring when she's there. The conversations are shallow, and it's a waste of my time. I'd rather stay home and read a book than sit around making small talk, and that's what always happens when she's there.

 

No I wouldn't.. I would wonder why they had something against my guy, if you can't be friends with him then I have no time for you. We come as one, given we both have our separate friends that doesn't mean I am going to be friends with someone who doesn't like my guy just because.. Especially when it is someone I just met. You either take it or leave it.

 

If that is how you feel maybe you should do them both a favor and just sit at home alone and read books instead of trying to take him away from her because you just don't like her.

[orangesoda]

I think your problem is exactly as you admitted: You have a hard time making friends, and you've never been in a relationship.

 

You should understand that this guy's commitment to his GF comes before you do.

 

Perception isn't always reality. These one-on-one conversations that you find 'awesome', he may find boring. And he might view the conversations with his GF around as casual, laid-back chatter, instead of 'shallow.'

 

I've always believed that actions speak louder than words. And the fact that he always brings his GF with him says that he values her presence and her input. And if he doesn't make time to have one-on-one conversations with you, probably is a good indicator that he doesn't find them too 'awesome.'

 

You should work on making more friends, instead of obsessing over one guy, especially a guy who's already busy spending time with his SO.

[lightdancer]

if he doesn't make time to have one-on-one conversations with you, probably is a good indicator that he doesn't find them too 'awesome.'

he goes try to have one on one chats with me. Because he realises that it's mostly then that I open up the most. But it's usually in a group setting, and then his girlfriend or someone else will come up and it will be over.

 

You should work on making more friends, instead of obsessing over one guy, especially a guy who's already busy spending time with his SO.

 

 

what if I were a guy? would you all respond in the same way?

 

I'm not obsessing over this guy. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth my time being friends with him, when our one on one time is not acknowledged as important.

 

I have a close female friend, and her boyfriend often gives us space to have one on one time, because he respects our friendship. I think that's normal. But I think it's unlikely with him, and part of it is probably cause I'm a girl.

[lightdancer]

It does matter...

 

what if I were a guy? would you all respond in the same way? maybe I should have pretended I was a guy when I put this post up. I would be curious to see what responses come up.

 

I'm not obsessing over this guy. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth my time being friends with him, when our one on one time is not acknowledged as important.

 

I have a close female friend, and her boyfriend often gives us space to have one on one time, because he respects our friendship. I think that's normal.

[gidget1]

Look at it from the girlfriends perspective.

Put yourself in her shoes.

[yellowcal]

what if I were a guy? would you all respond in the same way? maybe I should have pretended I was a guy when I put this post up. I would be curious to see what responses come up.

 

I'm not obsessing over this guy. I'm just trying to figure out if it's worth my time being friends with him, when our one on one time is not acknowledged as important.

 

I have a close female friend, and her boyfriend often gives us space to have one on one time, because he respects our friendship. I think that's normal.

 

It's alot different when it's female/female and the boyfriend gives you two time to hang out... there is a world of difference when it comes to male/female friendship with the girlfriend being involved.

[lightdancer]

I hate this society.

so many stupid rules. so many things which block the opportunity to just connect with another person. It's so scary and lonely, and all these compromises being made just to pander to society's perception that male female friendships are dangerous.

[yellowcal]

Noone said the friendships were dangerous however they are alot more "dangerous" than a same sex friendship. Nine times out of ten one person starts developing feelings for the other in male/female friendships. Even with that said, that isn't even the big deal here. You seem to have something against this guys girlfriend for whatever reason, whether you are jealous of their time spent together or the fact that you can't have him to yourself I don't know what it is. Have you even given this girl a chance to be a friend? From what you say you have had harsh feelings towards this girl since the beginning, that is probably why she dislikes you so much. I hate to say it but if my fiance befriended a female like you i'd be wary of you and would probably do everything in my power to prevent the friendship from going any farther. It seems you have some deeper intents with this guy than just friendship if his girl is bothering you so much by just simply being around.

[lightdancer]

I have given her a chance to be a friend. I have opened up myself to her, shown her how I tick. It hasn't won her over. Admittedly I haven't taken much time to get to know her. I guess I tend to wait for people to show if they are cool with me before I start taking an interest in them. Just a defense mechanism from being judged harshly in the past I think.

 

Her boyfriend gets me. I'm not sure how much she does. She just keeps her mouth shut out of politeness. I do appreciate her. I can see why he dates her. She has a lot of great qualities. But just because I appreciate those qualities, doesn't mean I have time to be around her. I don't generally socialise if it's light hearted chit chat (which is her and most people I know). I have a lot of heavy stuff going on, and I have a lot of problems to deal with. this guy has been good to spend time talking to because he's capable of talking about the deeper stuff (which is more relevant to me at this point in my life), and he cares about me and what I'm going through. He's been a godsend.

 

(by the way, if he were single, I would not date him. I don't like him in that way). I'm glad that he has a girlfriend. They make a good couple.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your responses. I appreciate it.

[orangesoda]

I think you need to understand that only you are ultimately responsible for your happiness. You can't go around blaming society, or someone else's GF, for your problems.

 

And to be honest, there's nothing wrong with light-hearted chit-chat. It's called being 'friendly.' Not every conversation has to have the gravity of a * * * * en's novel to be meaningful. Casual, laid-back conversations have their purpose as well.

[Salty]

I've been in the same situation but didn't expect him to ditch his woman for me. Just be urself around her that's all u can do and unless u are trying to take her man, then that shouldn't be a problem.

[Salty]

I've been in the same situation but didn't expect him to ditch his woman for me. Just be urself around her that's all u can do and unless u are trying to take her man, then that shouldn't be a problem.