sudden change

[bubjav]

So, I've been in an online relationship with this guy for almost a year now. Things were great, we met up and spent 14 days together and everything was perfect. We started talking about getting married, planning our future and all that. Two months ago, nine months into our relationship, he changed over night. He became extremely distant, stopped telling me he loves me and started spending less time with me. He got promoted at work and he now has to work much more and is very stressed and he blamed everything on that whenever I tried to talk to him about it. I was supposed to go see him again in a couple of months but now he says there's no point because he wouldn't have much time for me anyway. He says he feels emotionally distant but still loves me and doesn't want us to break up. Should I stay in this relationship and believe him when he says he loves me, or just move on?

[vertigoxo]

Hmmm. He sounds stressed out. I wouldn't break up with him, but you two should talk about it more. Good luck.

[skirt]

I am going through THE EXACT SAME THING and was actually going to post a similar thread! I guess the only difference is...is that I've visited a little more often and that in his case, it's school and not work. I'm staying with him because I want to be supportive, and I'm trying to give it time, but all the distance - emotional and physical starts feeling neglectful, you're not going to have any choice BUT to move on. After all, your feelings are bound to fade for someone who's not around anyway. I would talk to him and tell him that he needs to make an effort to make some time for you or you're going to grow apart.

[bubjav]

I tried to talk to him about it so many times, but he just sticks to his stressed out story (admittedly, he does have many things going on that stress him out), but he doesn't even seem to care enough to put some effort into saving our relationship, he just wants me to sit and wait for him to pull out of it. And I would, if I knew for sure that he loves me and that we will move forward.

[OrangeMoon]

I am sorry..but the vibe in this one does not feel good. I take it you have a LDR..

When a person needs their distance because they are troubled with other worries it will involve taking a step back in trying to connect with them..and have them set the pace a little. However..you are both in this..and you would want your future husband to show that even if he is preoccupied he makes some kind of effort to reconnect with you once in a while..and make that time count.

 

Now Being in a LDR (if that is what you are having) can make things all the more difficult..because all the effort has to go into "staying connected" with one another.

 

So what to do..when he clearly gives you signals that he does not want to connect..

 

The fact that he doesnt want you to come in a few months ( because he is too busy) worries me a lot (so far away and he already knows how he will be feeling then ??). There are many many couples who live with guys where either one or the other has a heavy job. The moments of intimacy are just about being there..You dont have to do stuff together all the time. But being there should be enough..even if the moment of togetherness expresses only by holding them tightly in bed when you sleep in..and having breakfast together before work..You then just focus on entertaining yourself..

 

The fact that he is very distant..but says he still loves you..bothers me too..he wants you there..but does not want to invest ( or is he waiting for the backup option to come along? hmmm)..i dont want to make it negative..so lets focus on the positive..

 

I would just say..go and live your life..focus on you..disconnect for a while..just for a week..and then call him back to reconnect and ask him how he's doing. DO NOT TELL him that you are going to disconnect though.

 

He's supposed to crave for you more when you are not around..otherwise he doesnt see having you in his life as an added plus. It is easy to matter when you are there..but it is best to matter most when you are not there.. If he is in doubt and has been feeding you bs..but was actually in his inner breakup process..you will know..

 

You need to know where the distancing really comes from..is it you or is he really tired?

[alli]

My first thought is that he met someone in real life 2 months ago. That would explain the sudden change, lack of "I love you's" and why he wouldn't want you to come see him in person. He has been communicating with you for so long that he doesn't want to cut you loose completely just in case it doesn't work out with the new girl, so he puts you on the backburner, giving you just enough attention and excuses that you don't just end it.

 

When I was away from my bf for 5 months, I spent $1000 on plane tickets (2 separate occassions) just to be able to spend a few days with him. It was short but worth it, and I would do it again. Even if he was busy, he would still want to see you when he could if that was what he actually wanted.

 

Even with being promoted and stressed at work, he could still tell you he loves you, call you on his commute home, text a couple times on his lunch break. And in the case that there is no other woman involved, if he is incapable of giving you any attention when he gets busy and stressed, are you sure that is the type of person you can stay with?

 

My thoughts are purely speculation, I couldn't know for sure what is going on with him. Maybe you should ask him & see what his reaction is. Sorry.

[Gossioii8]

I feel good that there are people like you too. Thanks for this great weblog of yours. Its surely going to get me to go to higher places!