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best friend had sex with ex?!


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So basically my boyfriend and i broke up because we couldnt see each other very much (he's kind of needy too). I am 18, he is 23. He began to become better friends with my best friend (they had always gotten along). Two weeks after we broke up, my best friend had sex with him. She told me the day after. I am over him, but I am also so hurt that she would do that. It has been 2 weeks since they had sex and now they are going out. I don't want to make my best friend have to choose between me and him, and I can't help their feelings for each other, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can be friends with her when she keeps calling him and texting him right in front of my face. Oh yea and my friend is 17. Since he is 23, is that even legal?? (I'm in Maryland) Oh and as a sidenote I did not have sex with him for the month that we went out.

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You are no longer with your ex, let them pursue whatever relationship they wish to endeavour. This leads me to something I can't fathom:

 

Why do people care so much about a friend going out with someone that they broke up with? I could understand raw feelings if you still care for the ex or want the ex but you were only out with him for a month, this wasn't a long term relationship in any respects. You call him needy which implies that you're not overly distraught about the break up and you never had sex which means that you weren't "fully in" to the relationship (unless you wait for religious reasons, or waiting until "ready")

 

Ask her to hold off on talking with him while you're in the room but, honestly, there is no "traitor" aspect here. The relationship is done and you should move on, your friend is not a traitor, she and your ex just happen to now be involved and if you can't handle that then tell her but if you're going to make her choose then that's when the friendship will be betrayed (by you in this case).

 

As for legality, age of consent in most states is 16 so it's legal in that dept.

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i would try to cut off connection with her. try not to think about her. best friends with girls comes before any guy. thats what a true best friend is. shes not

 

See, that's something I don't understand. If she cares about the ex, sure, but her post indicates she doesn't (at least not enough to want him back or renew the relationship). I just find it petty, to be honest.

 

Can one really push love (if that's what this is) away because of this "bros/girls before hoes/guys" mentality? Who's to say that being uncomfortable overrules the prospects of a friend finding happiness. Is it being a better friend to dictate who a friend can/can't go out with?

 

I'm not saying the OP should be overjoyed but I fail to see any reason outside of territorial contrivances for making this friend a pariah and labeling her as anathema.

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Listen relax, as you said you never slept with him, your best friend is confuse, just let her have him, don't change with her, let it be, just no your level with her. And look how far she can go with this. keep your eye open on her when it comes to your love life.

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well i didnt have sex with him for religious reasons, though im not sure if i would have otherwise

 

and up to this point i didnt really think it should matter if a friend dates an ex, but it actually kind of blows

 

another thing is she has kind of ditched our other friends and i to hang with him, and our other friends are upset too.

 

like i dont want her to be unhappy but at the same time it really bothers me when she calls him and texts him right in front of my face. i have told her it bothers me but she continues to do it. he calls her a lot and she always answers and just starts a conversation right in front of our friends and i. it bothers everyone.

 

thanks for your help everyone!!

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Okay, so perhaps you feel hurt because you think she might be doing it on purpose?, the texting and calling in front of you I mean.

 

Two weeks is incredibly soon, even if they got along well before, so I understand that perhaps you feel it was strange that she had to do everything so fast without thinking about how you would feel (being bestfriends and all), so if you don't think you can be her friend because you don't trust her or because you find her actions are not something you want in a "best friend" then yes, it's okay to end it.

 

You don't have to make her choose, if it's how she behaved that made you feel uncomfortable then I guess you wouldn't be able to recover what you had, unless you really REALLY wanted to.

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Oh come on.. those saying "there is no traitor aspect"

 

If your friend did this to you, you would be pissed... friends just don't do that, wether the relationship was a big serious one or not. Would YOU do that to your friend? I seriously doubt it, it would just feel plain weird, sex or no sex.

 

She could of atleast ASKED how the OP would feel about her pursuing it.

OP, have you told her you're hurt by it?

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Why do people make it sound like there's something wrong with the OP because she feels there's some "law"? There isn't - it's a rule specific sets of friends share. Some are fine with it, some aren't. It doesn't apply to everyone, and if her feelings are hurt by it, I wouldn't hold it against her at all. If YOU would be fine with it. Fine, those are your friends.

 

The OP, on the other hand, feels bad about it. If her friend was a true friend, she'd understand this. There are a set of understandings you develop with your friends over time, and if her friend knows her, she'd know that the OP is uncomfortable with that type of thing as well.

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Listen relax, as you said you never slept with him, your best friend is confuse, just let her have him, don't change with her, let it be, just no your level with her. And look how far she can go with this. keep your eye open on her when it comes to your love life.

agreed.

 

i'd ditch her. that's way out of line.

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Hm.....

 

Its always been my opinion that if two people break up, theres nothing that connects them anymore (except for the past ) and hence it would be unfair if all the friends arent "allowed" to date that ex. If both ppl are completely over eachother, it should be no problem..

 

It ONLY isnt okay if the breakup is still fresh or there are still feelings involved..for example when you know your friend still wants him back OR doesnt want him back but is still very upset and hurt about the breakup.....Then it would be very lame and unloyal of you to start dating that ex..

 

 

Anyways I do think that your friend is being very insensitive about all it..(talking and texting with him all the time in front of u, its ilke trying to rub it in your face that hes "HERS" now), has she even asked you what you think about it,before they started dating ? Did she tell you something like, Hey hun, I know youve dated him not long ago but I feel we are really starting to like eachother, is that okay with you/how do you feel about that ?

 

Hmm.. not my definition of a "best friend". Me personally, Im the most loyal friend you can imagine, and although there have been cases where I had the chance to be involved with a girl friend's ex, AND I was attracted to him, AND they were over eachother....... I didnt take the chance. Even tho I dont think it would be wrong, i just couldnt get myself to do it, cause in my head there was this voice kept saying; "Hes your friends ex, Dont. Just dont do it!" And Id would have felt very unloyal and dirty if I would date a friends ex, EVEN THOUGH I dont think its necessarily immoral and wrong..

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I would totally ditch this girl. If she had any respect for your friendship, she would have at least asked you how you felt about the ex, and how you felt about them dating. Also, if she's just going to ditch her friends for some guy, she wasn't a good friend in the first place. Don't worry though, I have a feeling she'll come crawling back after her relationship with this guy fails... then you guys can decide what to do. Someone needs to teach her some respect. There is no unwritten rule about not dating an ex, but I do believe it is common courtesy to talk to the friend that first dated him and get their blessing first. Otherwise you come off as not caring.

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Oh come on.. those saying "there is no traitor aspect"

 

If your friend did this to you, you would be pissed... friends just don't do that, wether the relationship was a big serious one or not. Would YOU do that to your friend? I seriously doubt it, it would just feel plain weird, sex or no sex.

 

She could of atleast ASKED how the OP would feel about her pursuing it.

OP, have you told her you're hurt by it?

 

Happened twice to me, didn't really care about it aside from the normal awkward feelings of seeing the ex in my life again. If I had feelings for a person I'd pursue it while talking with my friend if I deemed it necessary. A month long previous relationship doesn't really merit me asking for permission.

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Why do people make it sound like there's something wrong with the OP because she feels there's some "law"? There isn't - it's a rule specific sets of friends share. Some are fine with it, some aren't. It doesn't apply to everyone, and if her feelings are hurt by it, I wouldn't hold it against her at all. If YOU would be fine with it. Fine, those are your friends.

 

The OP, on the other hand, feels bad about it. If her friend was a true friend, she'd understand this. There are a set of understandings you develop with your friends over time, and if her friend knows her, she'd know that the OP is uncomfortable with that type of thing as well.

 

I don't believe anything is wrong with the OP for feeling like this, she's human. I also don't believe anything is wrong with the OP's friend either. She's in the initial infatuation phase of a relationship, she'll be completely absorbed by it but will come out of it soon enough.

 

Also, unless the OP communicated such ground rules like "talking about it first" then we can't really blame the friend for not doing that.

 

We just don't know enough about this situation to completely condemn the friend over a 1 month relationship.

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I completely understand why you would feel betrayed. It can be very hurtful when a close friend decides to get with your ex mere weeks after you broke up, particularly because as a close friend she would know what you were feeling. It takes time to get over people, and it seems really insensitive for her to have done that.

 

No, you don't have a say in whether or not they date, but you do have the right to share your feelings with her. You don't have to deal with her calling him when you're around so soon after you've broken up, and she should have enough sense not to do it.

 

This definitely doesn't have to be a deal-breaker for you and your friend. Just tell her that she's making you uncomfortable, and hopefully she'll back off. If she doesn't listen, you don't have to be around her. Put some distance between the two of you if she won't compromise, and she'll soon realize where her priorities are. If she wants to date your ex and be friends with you at the same time, at least for the initial stage she has to learn to show some consideration for your feelings. If not, well, that shows what kind of friend she is.

 

Best of luck!

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Why do people make it sound like there's something wrong with the OP because she feels there's some "law"? There isn't - it's a rule specific sets of friends share. Some are fine with it, some aren't. It doesn't apply to everyone, and if her feelings are hurt by it, I wouldn't hold it against her at all. If YOU would be fine with it. Fine, those are your friends.

 

The OP, on the other hand, feels bad about it. If her friend was a true friend, she'd understand this. There are a set of understandings you develop with your friends over time, and if her friend knows her, she'd know that the OP is uncomfortable with that type of thing as well.

 

I completely agree. Different friends have different unspoken rules. And different relationships require different rules, too. My bf was in a serious relationship with one of my very best friends for a year and a half. But she's fine with it. She's married with kids now, and my bf and I have a daughter together. She does live far away now, so she doesn't have to see us together, so the rules might have been different had she still have lived here. It's all circumstantial.

 

The OP was hurt by the situation, and I have to say I would have been as well in the situation. Is it enough to end a friendship over? Not for me, b/c the relationship was so short and no sex was involved. But it would put a strain on the friendship, and I'd watch my back with her after having a long talk about what's acceptable and what's not.

 

Personally, my friends and I kind of have a rule. You only get to call "hands off" on 1 or 2 men (We live in a small town). But by god, you better leave the called ones alone, or there will be hell to pay

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Technically speaking your claim to your ex was over the minute you broke up. So technically speaking... your friend didnt do anything wrong.

 

However, this IS the real world we live in, and that is just a big ole NO NO that your friend just did. It is wrong to sleep with your friends ex, or date your friends ex without at least first running it by them. If you are cool with it fine... but its not a very 'friend' thing to do for her to bang your ex. I would keep a close eye on what other non friend behaviors she is exhibiting and if that list grows consider not being her friend anymore.

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i'm sorry to all those saying 'why does it matter', but of course it does bloody matter. How can you say it is okay for a friend to do that?

What kind of a friend puts you in that uncomfortable position? And TWO weeks after? It's fine if it's been a long time and there are no more feelings left for ex, but TWO WEEKS when you're still dealing with healing and your emotions are still highly strung, I think that is the most horrible vicious thing that a friend can do.

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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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