Husband's GF... could things get any more crazy?

[shorty20]

Hi everyone! I'm not new here, but I haven't been around in a long long time! I'm really hoping that someone, ANYONE, might be able to shed some light on my completely bizarre, awkward situation. If this becomes really long, I apologize in advance. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

 

Brief History: Married for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I had completely different sex drives, and liked two different things in bed. Consequently, our sex life was about as dead as Ben Franklin pretty much since about a couple months into our marriage. Maybe once or twice every two weeks, if that. I found out I was pregnant a few days after our 1st anniversary (from one of the FEW times we had had sex) and our sex life went from infrequent to non-existent. He was harassing me all the time for sex, and I just wanted someone to comfort me and pay attention to me without trying to hump my leg! He ended up cheating on me about 4 months into my pregnancy, and I went back home to have the baby. Shortly before our son was born, my husband said he wanted to work things out, and I said I'd try for our son. It didn't work out, and he fell even more in love with the "other woman" and to be honest, I truly believe she is his soul mate. After many LONG and GRUELING discussions and fights and all-nighters, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that we both love each other very much, but couldn't be together as husband and wife. We just don't click in some areas that we should.

 

I met the "other woman" at a work event, and pulled her aside. I felt this was the right thing, and ONLY thing to do. If her and my husband are going to be together eventually, she is going to be around my son. I want to have a good relationship with anyone that is going to be a part of his life. Also, I still love my husband to pieces and just want him to be happy, even if that's not with me. I eventually told my husband that as long as he quit lying to me about where he was at and what he was doing, that he could see her as much as possible. (she was re-locating, so he only had a few more months until they wouldn't be able to see each other for at least a year) and here's where I put myself in a trap.

 

I still love my husband to pieces and it tears me apart to know that we aren't going to be together. I know it's for the best, but he's all I've ever known, and the man that I have dedicated my life to and loved for 3 years! I hate losing him as a husband, but I am terrified to lose him as a friend. I wanted him to see this other woman and be happy, but now his honesty is getting to the point where it is too much. She left this week to re-locate, and the past couple weeks have been hell to say the least. Her husband doesn't know about the affair (yes, she's married) and I've been put in the middle since I'm so "understanding". I've picked her up and brought her back to our house and left so that her and my husband could have dinner and see each other. I let him go on an all day shopping trip with her. I hear from my husband constantly that he doesn't think she really loves him, and that he doesn't think she's ever going to leave her husband. I've become the listening ear to my husband about his relationship with his girlfriend!! How messed up is that?

 

I know we're not going to work out, but I just can' t help feeling like I'm not anywhere near the top of his priority list. Wife or not, I'm still the mother of his child. Yes, he still comes home to me at night, and he still spends time with me and is an amazing father to our son... but I can't help but notice that he'll drop everything when he gets a text/email from her. I can't help but notice all the things he does for her that he doesn't/never did for me. I can't help feeling inadequate... like something is wrong with me. Why does he love her and care for her so much, but he couldn't be faithful to me? My thoughts are just so jumbled lately.

 

I know we are planning on divorcing after we move back home (in about 4 months, we're waiting for a medical discharge from the army) and for right now, this is the right place for me. My husband needs to be a part of my sons life. I'm in school, and receiving benefits from my husband's job. I'm staying in this crazy, weird situation so that I can provide a good future for my son. I financially need my husband right now, so that I can get ahead in the future. I know things will be better once we're not living under the same roof, it just gets overwhelming sometimes. Well, I guess this got pretty long. Sorry about that. For those of you that have gotten this far, I really appreciate it, and would love to hear any input... but like I said, leaving right now is not an option. My son is the most important person in my life, and his well-being is my 1st priority... and although my husband is NOT a good husband to me, he is a wonderful father. Thanks again for reading.

[CatsMeeoow]

Wow... you seem very accommodating and understanding in regards to your husband... is he even showing YOU the same courtesy? If not then I would wonder why you are bending over backwards to appease him then?

 

I would be crushed if I were in that situation and I'm sure you are... but deep down you know you deserve better... I really feel that when you are completely gone from him he will regret his choices in how he treated you... I mean seriously... driving his mistress back and forth???

 

Make a plan for removing yourself from this situation... you can still promote a good relationship between him and his son but you don't need to be a doormat for it to happen.

 

You deserve a lot better... and I think you really know that... I think you just need encouragement to keep moving forward and to get out of this mans house... There are so many guys out there who would treat you better...

 

Hugs

[lavenderdove]

Your roles have gotten very confused here... You basically signed up for a role that is more a sister/mother/misguided shrink than signing up as his wife.

 

If you go off path, no matter how much you try, if you're on the wrong path it will feel/be wrong.

 

I think for your own sanity, you need to sit him down and tell him that you are not happy with this role of 'supportive' enabler of his affair, and that it is starting to feel too bizarre to try to pretend this situation sits 'OK' with you when it really isn't.

 

You of course can't control his emotions/feelings, but you can refuse to listen to or see this activity. Tell him you'd rather he take calls out of your hearing, and you don't want to listen to him talk about his lover anymore. Just make the topic off limits for the both of you, to try to step back from the role of enabling his affair.

 

And if you are divorcing, then you will soon have to stop being involved in his day to day life and emotions, so just start that distancing now. You can live in the same house, but you don't have to sleep together nor try to keep up the charade of being a married couple. Start switching the terms to being roommates (and acting like roommates) rather than a married couple.

 

Also consult a lawyer about arranging child support and temporary alimony while you're in school until you finish. It is very common for people to pay 'rehabilitative' alimony while one spouse is going to school to finish training, so you might be able to get that and live apart from him.

[shorty20]

Thanks for the responses! You both had some great points. I am planning and looking forward to being on my own. It will be a lot easier when we are back home where I have my support system to move the process forward than it is now. He's all I have out here, and I don't really have a choice but to stay with him. Sometimes, I do feel like a doormat... but the more I think about it, the more it's my fault. I LET him treat me like that for so long... I let these things happen... and I didn't stand up for myself or do anything about it. I'm constantly getting myself in these situations where I get walked on, because I am a very non-confrontational person, and I will do anything and everything to avoid all conflict. I've also enabled and excused a lot of his behavior because of his head injury (car accident two years ago, TBI, he's a totally diff. person since then) but the fact is, he dosen't treat me the way a husband should treat a wife, and I can't spend the next 50 years like this, so I think it's better for our son that we divorce while he's young, so he won't really know the difference (or at least remember what it was like)... As far as alimony and child support go, I'd much rather my husband be a part of his son's life. Right now, he's very intent on getting 50/50 custody. He'll buy diapers, clothes, etc. for his house and I'll buy them for mine. There will be no exchange of money, just an equal division of payment on everything for our son. I'd much rather do that and know that my son is taken care of and has a mommy AND a daddy even if we're not together, then be vindictive and try to take all his money and his kid. Thanks again for the advice, and for letting me vent... I felt a lot better even after I just typed it

[shorty20]

And if you are divorcing, then you will soon have to stop being involved in his day to day life and emotions, so just start that distancing now. You can live in the same house, but you don't have to sleep together nor try to keep up the charade of being a married couple. Start switching the terms to being roommates (and acting like roommates) rather than a married couple.

 

this is also a weird subject. He's openly intimate with this other girl (not anymore b/c she's gone now) but then he comes home and kisses on me, and says he loves me more than anything... that I'm his best friend, and an amazing wife, and it's all his fault.. .blah blah blah... He tells me that I'm 10 times prettier than his girlfriend is... but those are all just words that don't mean anything, since his actions say a whole different thing. But I get very very confused because sometimes he acts like a husband, and we do act like a family. Sometimes he does want to be intimate with me (very rarely anymore, because I have to REALLY want it to even think about letting him touch me in any romantic way now) but we still sleep in the same bed, go on walks, talk until all hours of the night... we still kiss and hug, and say I Love you... we both get confused... sad that our marriage didn't work... sometimes he says he thinks it might be a mistake to give up... other times he gets mad and says he can't wait till I'm gone... this is all part of his TBI. He's very wishy washy... he'll say one thing, and then turn around and say the complete opposite. And as you can imagine, I'm going INSANE trying to sort through it all!! I truly do love him to death... I'd literally do anything for him... and when the good times are good, I do get very upset and confused about what I want... but when it comes down to it, he'll never be a good husband to me again, and I'll never be able to be a good wife without being able to trust him, and I'll never ever be able to fully trust him again... I just need to keep telling myself that so I don't let my mind play tricks when he's being sweet.

[lavenderdove]

First, if you want to work on your marriage, there is no reason not to try marriage counseling. But if you are sure it is over, then of course don't waste the time/money.

 

However, you really need to talk to a lawyer before you agree to joint custody. Most judges are reticent to give it unless both parties show themselves to have the ability to agree. Child support is NOT taking his money if he is the father, and he is the one who chose to ruin the marriage by having an affair with another woman rather than working with you on your marriage.

 

Let's take a scenario where he decides he wants to move out of state to follow this other woman? How are you going to work joint custody then? You just can't. He will either leave and be out of town 95% of the time and you'll be paying for everything to do with your son on your own, or else he'll try to take your son with him and sue for custody himself, and you'll be paying him child support.

 

Don't give away any of your rights until you are sure you know what you are doing. People can do a complete turnaround once they are out of the marriage and their needs conflict with yours. He's probably very intent on getting 50/50 custody for the main reason that he won't have to pay you any money if he does get that.

 

Once he gets a new girlfriend locally, or decides to leave town, i suspect you will deeply regret not having custody of your child. He could be jetting off with your son to another state, and once he's in that state, filing for sole custody in the new state, and you will be forced to prove why you should get your child back or get custody, and will have to travel back and forth to hearings and pay an attorney in the other state, plus your own state to represent your interests.

 

Please don't be naive. Consult an attorney before you agree to anything.

[shorty20]

thank you so much for the great advice. I will make sure to consult an attorney just to figure out what my rights are and possible scenarios where he could potentially screw with me. Our plan was to hire a "mediator" since neither of us want to go to court, and we both agree on who gets what. As far as our son, I was going to have a sort of contract written up by the mediator and have it notarized. It would state all of the possible joint custody situations.. although he has stated to me that he would never move more than 3 hours away. But if he lived far away, we'd probably have someone keep him during the school year, and the other parent would get birthday, holiday, and summer. Ideally when we divorce, he'll still be pretty young and we'll start off every other week, so I won't have to be away from him for too long and I can still see him whenever I want since we'll be in the same city. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. It's going to be hard as hell to give my baby up for a whole week... but I'd hate myself even more if I deprived him of a daddy. I don't want to have to explain to him when he's 10 that daddy's not around because mommy ran him away.

 

As far as marriage counseling, my husband is never going to change. The accident he got in damaged the temporal lobe in his brain. It has effected his emotions, his ability to think rationally, it has made him very very impulsive (with sex and with money)... He's not the same person, and I've tried to stick by him, but there's only so much one person can do. I can't let him drag me down with him. If he could tell me that he would stay with me, no matter what, then I would consider the idea. But he told me straight up that if this woman didn't end up calling him in a year.. but waited 10 years.. that he couldn't say that he wouldn't leave me for her then. I'm not going to stick around for another 10 years to find out, and then be going through a divorce when our kid is 11. I've tried 3 times to make it work... and I feel in my heart that I've gone above and beyond to make sure I wouldn't have the "what if" feeling. I've gone to the extremes to try to make this work, so I could at least tell our son that we tried.. and that's all we can do. Thanks again for the advice, and I'll make sure that before we go through with the process that I have my own research done.

[velvette]

daddy's not around anymore because daddy screwed up. I think you can find a better 'daddy'. you SHOULD go to court, of course he doesn't want to go to court because he's the one that will be judged harshly here. argg I can see you're really understanding/compliant, but there is a point.... talk to a lawyer. seriously.

[lavenderdove]

>>daddy's not around because mommy ran him away.

 

Daddy's not going to be around because Daddy decided to screw someone else, not because you ran him away.

 

Please consider getting some therapy for yourself... you're really bending over backwards here to hand your baby over to a cheating fool with temporal lobe damage. If he's that unstable, perhaps he SHOULDN'T have joint custody of your child. Let's say he is so emotionally screwed up, he takes up with some woman who is a drug addict who abuses your child. Or he starts to have more serious mood disorders due to his brain damage and your child is neglected because he's off chasing some married woman or another.

 

He is showing very poor judgment, and you're just handing your son over to him as if he was behaving well. Please talk to a personal counselor to get an evaluation of what is the right thing to do here, and talk to a lawyer too.

 

Also keep in mind that any verbal promises he makes to you are meaningless and can change anytime he pleases. That's why you need a lawyer, to represent your interests and make sure all bases are covered.

 

More than 50% of all couples get divorced now and the father's are still very involved in their children's lives, even if the mother has custody and the father has visitation. I think you need to consult both an attorney and a counselor to get your head straight about this and quit bending over backwards to accommodate a guy who is a cheater and has brain damage in such a way that his emotions/judgment are seriously affected. He may not be a good candidate to have custody of your child, even for 50% of the time, and you need a professional to evaluate this.

[babymax]

I think you're making it worse. Why are you helping your husband's affair? You have to stop pretending you're fine. You're only hurting yourself. Let him know you want nothing to do with his love affair anymore.

 

You really need to focus on yourself.

[rocio]

I just don't get it. What are you trying to gain from all this? What I think - and I could very well be wrong - but what I think is that you get some kind of validation out of being so nice. Perhaps it almost makes you feel like you're better than your husband and his girlfriend. At the end of the day, you're gaining something from this, or you would have split long ago.

 

I have a similar personality to you. I like to accommodate people, and don't always expect enough in return. But having a daughter inspires me to be that person I want to be. If I don't stick up for myself, how will she ever learn to?