"Not ready for a relationship" means what? and more

[i19]

Hello all.

 

I'm a freshman in a college in the USA.

 

So I'm considering asking a girl out.

 

I asked her out back in February and she was in a relationship. Then after a week in a her relationship, they broke up. Hooray, right? She came to my room, informed me of this fact, and then said she wasn't interested in a relationship. Fine. I was unhappy. I thought we'd go well together. Had some shared interests, though I hadn't had much contact with her all year. Also her hometown is near mine, so had we started dating the summer would not mean separation. Anyway.

 

Recently a girl told me, after I confided this story in her, that 'not ready for a relationship' didn't mean 'no'.

 

I now feel kind of like I should have tried to woo her anyway. Instead I have had no contact with her since that time, even though I have her phone number.

 

We passed each other today and greeted each other, and it got me thinking about asking her out again. But is it worth doing? Part of me says, "Man up, do it, the worst that could happen is she rejects you again. Even if it will be even more humiliating." But I kind of feel like she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship to be nice to me, and really didn't want one with me. Also, if I really like her, her thinking could go, why wouldn't I have even tried to hang out with her the past months? And if the answer will definitely be no, I mean, I do have my pride. I don't even know if she's single. She has no facebook; I cannot facebook stalk her. Also I always get myself psyched up and let down.

 

(I'm also considering asking out this other girl, who I met at the beginning of the year, but also haven't had much contact with recently. It would kind of be coming out of nowhere. She's pretty, but I mean I feel like I'd only be doing it b/c I just really want a girlfriend. She's single and I feel reasonably sure she'd go out with me. I've had a string of rejections.)

 

So, advice? Or at the very least an answer to the question posed in the topic title?

 

And if you're wondeirng why I didn't put this in the Dating for Shy People category, I'm not that shy (I overcome it with willpower), just inept.

 

-i19

[Ursa]

"But I kind of feel like she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship to be nice to me, and really didn't want one with me"

 

I think you've already answered your own question sweetie, you just need some reassurance.

 

Her saying she's not interesting in being in a relationship is just a nice and subtle way of saying she's not interested in having one with you.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but that's what it sounds like from what you're saying. People are never closed to relationships if the right person comes along.

 

If you really don't think she's interested, I say ask the other girl out and get on with your life!

 

Good luck, you'll be just fine!!

[Complication]

The statement can indeed be a "nice" rejection, but given that it was a week after her relationship had ended in which she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship, I think it would have been worth taking her words at face value. If anything were to happen at that time, it would have been Rebound City anyway.

 

I think it would be appropriate to catch up with the first girl, which could help determine whether or not she's currently involved with anyone. As for the other woman, you could always ask her out and see if there's anything there, although it doesn't sound like you're all that interested.

[Seko]

I usually agree with the above - people are never closed to a relationship if the right person comes along....however, it strikes me as odd that she immediately came to tell you about it if she weren't at least a little interested. Maybe she was hoping you'd give her some attention and time to decide what she wanted (sometimes people really aren't ready right after a breakup) instead of ignoring her immediately after.

 

Other than that, girls generally respond much better to being asked out when you've established some kind of rapport with them. If you seriously want a girlfriend, then why are you trying to ask out girls you've barely ever spoken to? That's not really grounds for a long-lasting or fruitful relationship....

[cynic2005]

Other than that, girls generally respond much better to being asked out when you've established some kind of rapport with them. If you seriously want a girlfriend, then why are you trying to ask out girls you've barely ever spoken to? That's not really grounds for a long-lasting or fruitful relationship....

 

You know, thats actually a pretty good point. Theoretically, I think some people need time in order for attraction to stir, that is they need to first see what your personality is like first. If they like intelligence, they need to get the impression that you are very intelligent somehow. When you are able to show your intelligence, that in turn is conducive to attraction. Otherwise, they have a very little impression of what you are like.

Personally, I'm a guy that likes intelligence in women. If a woman shows exceptional intelligence, I'm going to start having some interest in her. Otherwise I'm not really going to notice, and therefore not have much interest.

[i19]

addendum: I think her exact words were, "I am not interested in a relationship right now."

 

I usually agree with the above - people are never closed to a relationship if the right person comes along....however, it strikes me as odd that she immediately came to tell you about it if she weren't at least a little interested. Maybe she was hoping you'd give her some attention and time to decide what she wanted (sometimes people really aren't ready right after a breakup) instead of ignoring her immediately after.

 

Other than that, girls generally respond much better to being asked out when you've established some kind of rapport with them. If you seriously want a girlfriend, then why are you trying to ask out girls you've barely ever spoken to? That's not really grounds for a long-lasting or fruitful relationship....

 

A couple of girls I asked out after getting to know them. They had gotten boyfriends. So I decided that it was a bad idea to wait and try to get to know the girl first, she could get a boyfriend in that time.

 

I mean, I don't know ahead of time who I'm going to feel like I like. This girl and mine paths don't cross naturally.

 

Yeah I am kicking myself. Should have built up a rapport. Had lunch w/her or some contact. Maybe just pursued more vigorously? What can I say I'm an idiot.

 

Girls I have regular contact with, my friends, are girls who are pretty obviously aren't interested in me in more than a friend way. I mean, I don't have time to make friendships with everybody.

 

If you seriously want a girlfriend, then why are you trying to ask out girls you've barely ever spoken to? That's not really grounds for a long-lasting or fruitful relationship....

You know, thats actually a pretty good point. Theoretically, I think some people need time in order for attraction to stir, that is they need to first see what your personality is like first.

 

It is a good point, isn't it? I guess I just always thought the building up could be done during the official dating period.

 

mmm conflicting advice.....

 

So then maybe invite her to lunch or dinner or a show today in a non-date way, feel her out?

[i19]

I invited her to dinner twice a week and a half ago. She had legitimate excuses both times. Also we passed each other in real life and she made an effort to not make eye contact with me.

 

So Ursa was right about my being right.

 

The second girl I'm not going through with. All your objections were correct.

 

Thanks.

 

-i19

[OziJack]

I invited her to dinner twice a week and a half ago. She had legitimate excuses both times. Also we passed each other in real life and she made an effort to not make eye contact with me.

 

 

-i19

 

Here is a tip for you younger guys.

 

If you ask a girl out and she cannot accept your invite, expect her to make you a counter offer. IF she does not, then drop her from your menu.

 

Only pursue women who are showing STRONG signs of interest in seeing YOU.

A woman who really wants to date you will make herself available, and find ways to attract your attention in several ways .

At your age, women are not very skilled or subtle in their flirting technique so the signs will be obvious.

 

BTW, her avoiding eye contact is a sign of LOW interest, so just scratch her as a contender.

[CreoUCLA]

 

If you ask a girl out and she cannot accept your invite, expect her to make you a counter offer. IF she does not, then drop her from your menu.

 

Quoted for the truth.

 

I had a girl recently do this (excuses both times with no counter), so I deleted her number and I'm off to meet new women.