Is there a "right" time to leave?

[texas513]

I have been contemplating leaving my abusive relationship and my husband. After everything he has put me through and all I have allowed him to put me through, I am really getting tired and worn down.

In a nutshell..... I gave up a lot to be with him (divorced ex and lost a lot).

While I was pregnant, he cheated on me with his ex and caused me to have health problems while I was pregnant. I spent half of my pregnancy in tears and it was while I pregnant that the abusive behavior began. I was living on my own, working full time and dealing with divorce issues. I think that he took advantage of my vulnerability. I had always been a bubbly, positive and good person. The factors that took place took its toll on me and I changed some.

None the less, I married him after our daughter was born. He supposedly "came clean" and told me of all the lies. Shortly after I gave birth he was physically abusive with me.

Keep in mind that throughout ALL of this, it has been "his intention to change" and he has changed a tiny bit.

Well, since we found out from our therapist that this IS an abusive relationship (I thought I was just going crazy) he was given some numbers of BIPP programs in our area. He FINALLY called to get more info, but he is dragging his feet to get help.

I sort of want to leave my marriage, but I can't stand that it could all be down hill. I don't have closure. Is this all there is? I gave up everything to be with him and I have been so sad and miserable most of the time. Now what? I am scared to be on my own with two children. I don't have a job and I don't have any money.

I feel trapped and confused. He has done little things to change. I just don't know if he is truly ready to change and if he can. He says he doesn't want to hurt my anymore or see me cry, yet he still does it.

[yeawutever]

He says he doesn't want to hurt my anymore or see me cry, yet he still does it.

 

Then he'll always be an abuser and it's time for you to leave him. Do you really want to continue exposing your daughter with this type of behavior, thus teaching her that it's ok for a man to abuse a woman or you wanna leave him and set a good example for her??

[HeartBrokenAgain]

I can relate to a lot of the things you have been going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Let me just tell you, this is by far not what I ever expected a relationship to be. He was my first true love, my first boyfriend. I am 23. He is 28. He has cheated on me with his ex almost the whole 3 yrs we have been together. Always telling me he is going to change. He never physically abused me however he is very controlling and manipulative. He likes things to me his way. He also has anger issues. I think the same way you do. I feel trapped and feel like there may be no way out. I feel guilty because what if he really does love me and want to change. I wonder if I just stay a little longer and give him some more time he will come around. The difference between us is I dont have any kids with him. He has a child with his ex (whom he had cheated on me with).

I can honestly say, for myself, and for you that the best thing to do is leave. Its going to be really hard at first and its going to take a lot to get through it. But I promise you, things will eventually get easier. You will find someone else who will treat you right. Another one of my fears is being alone and not finding someone else. But you know what else I think? Why would I want to stay in this relationship and be miserable, unhappy, constantly crying because he isnt anything I pictured myself with, when I could leave and be miserable and lonely for a short period of time until you find yourself. Believe me if you surround yourself with friends and family everything will be okay and work out.

Maybe what you may need to do if you really want to work out, is take a break and live in separate homes and tell him until you can see his change, and he keeps it up, you will then consider taking things to the next level again.. just take a step back.

Regardless of anyones situation NO ONE deserves to be in a relationship where they feel trapped, and esp not one that is abusive. You dont want your kids to grow up and see that its okay to be in a relationship like that because their mommy stayed, do you? It has a negative affect on your children in more ways then one! Once you get out, you will have a huge weight lifted, and you will be able to find yourself again and make yourself happy and set your life for yourself and your children. Regardless of your decision always go with your mind, not your heart...

good luck with everything.. im sure you know the right decision to make, even though it is probably going to be the hardest decision you make!

[Laura11111]

The right time to leave him is now. Obviously it's going to be hard because you have children and no job but financial security is no reason to keep children in an abusive environment. It's also a terrible reason for you to stay.

[texas513]

I know that the scale tips favorably for me to leave. Why am I so weak? It is like there are so many reasons to leave, yet I search diligently for those few, very few reasons to make me stay!

 

I am seriously considering the separation idea. I cannot afford another divorce. I am still paying off my last one.

I have always had a fairly easy life, one where I was taken care of. I know that there are so many women in far worse financial situations that are making do on thier own. I can't believe I have allowed myself to get to this point.

 

I am scared to be on my own. I have an infant. Even my stupid pride gets in my way when I think of how well my exhusband and his fiance are doing.

How do you muster up the strength to leave? I am going to search for some posts about leaving. I know I am not the first nor the last to do this.

 

Thank you for your opinions.

 

Oh by the way.....HeartBrokenAgain....my husband isn't usually physically abusive. In the past he had pulled my hair, pushed me, slap my hands away and used intimidation. He has issues with jealousy (when HE is the dishonest one who cheated), control issues, and anger control. What are you going to do in your situation too? I wish you the best as well!!

[1MoreChance]

"He says he doesn't want to hurt my anymore or see me cry, yet he still does it. "

 

read this like 10 times.

 

you said he was dragging his feet to the "help" he is supposed to get.

 

I'm sorry if I sound disrespctful, but I think that men who abuse their preganant partner or just shortly after she has given birth, are the lowest scum. don't you think you deserve better than this? If he hits you once, he will di it AGAIN. the best thing you can do is leave, if you want to help him.

 

I think the hardest thing, when we end a relatinhsip, is LETTING GO OF OUR DREAMS, EXPECTATIONS AND ILLUSIONS ABOUT THAT RELATIONSHIP.

 

I know you don't want to accept that it is all going downhill as you put it, but the hill will be a lot steeper down if you stay and suffer this abusive realtionhsip. the apst is the past. if you left the other man to be with him, then it's over and done with, but it doesn't justify staying with him.

[1MoreChance]

"I am scared to be on my own. I have an infant."

 

You are gonna stay and give your child this role model for a man, a woman and a relationship?

 

It must be scary to leave, but isn't it MUCH scarier to STAY?

[HeartBrokenAgain]

Well still even though he isnt abusive in the sense that he punches you, gives you black eyes, or whatever the case may be he is abusive in other ways. Pushing you, and pulling your hair is abuse. No one needs to be treated like that. Thats his way of controlling things. Believe me I know I have dealt with it for 3 yrs.. not the abuse but the controlling. I am still in the relationship with him. I find it hard to leave as well as we are in a lease, and most of the stuff the apt is mine, and I dont have money to come up with another security deposit to leave. I know he wont leave either so im stuck here. But I have been looking at apartments for my puppy and I and I am seriously going to be moving. I have been pushing myself away from him. Not doing anything for him, going out with my friends, not really talking to him. Yes we share the same bed, but I dont let anything happen really. I am just hoping by doing this I can start the healing process, even while being here with him, so when I do move out and move on ill be sad at first, but I know I made the best choice for myself!!