Is it ok to know they were the love of your life but it wasnt meant to be!!

[gary1958]

Im coming to this realization after two years...I would have died in her arms.. She was THE ONE....But she has emotional issues I cant fix.. Only she can... I guess Ill always wonder what might have been.... But I know being with her would continue to be unhealthy..... So after 2 years I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that I met the love of my life and cant and wont be with her because of her issues.. I would support her 110% but I cant fix her....Sad but true!!!

[AutumnBorn]

The realization that you can't fix her is the first step in moving forward, my friend. Maybe one day she'll be ready for you.

[ellandroader]

Im coming to this realization after two years...I would have died in her arms.. She was THE ONE....But she has emotional issues I cant fix.. Only she can... I guess Ill always wonder what might have been.... But I know being with her would continue to be unhealthy..... So after 2 years I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that I met the love of my life and cant and wont be with her because of her issues.. I would support her 110% but I cant fix her....Sad but true!!!

 

You and me both my friend....she is the first girl I can say I would have walked a thousand miles and back for. You are okay to think that, and realise it, taking that step to leave is harder than given credit for.

 

You never know, she may come back. Don't hinge your hopes on it and keep open to someone who will be ready for you.

[browneyedgirl36]

I am in this same boat -- but I am a woman. I feel as if he and I were meant to be, but....he has too many issues he needs to sort out. Every time I think I'm getting past it and I've promised myself I'm letting go, he reels me back in somehow. It's my own fault -- I allow it to happen -- but I just wish he'd STOP unless he is 100% certain he wants me.

[jul-els]

Been there, done that. Breaking it off was really painful but not as painful as letting it continue would have been.

[browneyedgirl36]

Been there, done that. Breaking it off was really painful but not as painful as letting it continue would have been.

 

Yeah. I'm not *with* mine -- he's actually with someone else -- but lately he has been sending a lot of mixed signals. Their relationship had supposedly hit the skids, and he indicated she was moving out, but...now I'm not so sure. I doubt she'd be too thrilled to see the text messages he sent me last week, that's all I'm going to say.

 

All I know is, I have GOT to let this go. I was doing so great, and I allowed myself to get all hung up and invested in him again. Stupid. I have to be done with this.

[jul-els]

Yeah. I'm not *with* mine -- he's actually with someone else -- but lately he has been sending a lot of mixed signals. Their relationship had supposedly hit the skids, and he indicated she was moving out, but...now I'm not so sure. I doubt she'd be too thrilled to see the text messages he sent me last week, that's all I'm going to say.

 

All I know is, I have GOT to let this go. I was doing so great, and I allowed myself to get all hung up and invested in him again. Stupid. I have to be done with this.

 

Yep, who wants that drama in their lives? I'm sure you probably don't. Freedom or drama wouldn't seem to be a tough choice but when one is living the drama, one's brain does tend to get stuck on, as you say, "stupid". It's really silly sometimes what we'll put ourselves through for "love", or at least the idea of it.

[device04]

Please don't flame me for what I'm about to say, I don't want to be the "bad" cop here. But, I have been thinking about this very question and I think that we must all also realize that the mere fact that we are no longer with this supposed "love of your life" is perhaps a signal that they aren't really or weren't it to begin with. It's hard to understand the end of a relationship, for whatever its reasons, but maybe this thought of "ex being the love of your life but it just isn't meant to be" is a way of defending against the ugly realization that our thoughts of "forever love" actually turned out to be false.

 

Any thoughts?

[gary1958]

Well after 2 years apart......... Im in a good place...I guess thats what the healing process is all about.. But taking 2 years after the relationship to figure it all out... That kinda sucks. But i have learned so much about me...and thats a good thing!

[viajera]

Been there, done that. Breaking it off was really painful but not as painful as letting it continue would have been.

 

Words taken right out of my mouth.

 

But, if it didn't work, are they really THE love of your life, or the love of your life SO FAR?...

[canali]

Funny but I was just to comment in a similar fashion...to me "the one'' is along the same lines of "soulmate" ...op she is not "the one" if you can't successfully work through issues and resolve them...to me "the one" means you think you have the closest match you either have or THINK you will have and so you project into the future a life with them (we all do it)....but the "now"state of this gig is saying it is not so ....stay with the data of right now which is the truth IMO: it is not working so she is not "the one"...hopefully you can work things out....must add I was reading Dr phil and his views on relationship myths...he says most relationship issues don't truly get resolved and we should accept that (visit his website and are for yourself...interesting)...I guess "tolerable" is the word we should use more often? Interesting. Thoughts however. QUOTE =device04;3304094]Please don't flame me for what I'm about to say, I don't want to be the "bad" cop here. But, I have been thinking about this very question and I think that we must all also realize that the mere fact that we are no longer with this supposed "love of your life" is perhaps a signal that they aren't really or weren't it to begin with. It's hard to understand the end of a relationship, for whatever its reasons, but maybe this thought of "ex being the love of your life but it just isn't meant to be" is a way of defending against the ugly realization that our thoughts of "forever love" actually turned out to be false.

 

Any thoughts?

[ellandroader]

I don't think the notion of "the one" is wrong. I truly believe you get that connection and in a perfect scenario, you guys will get on fine and be together. However, when do perfect scenarios exist? This is what is wrong with relationships - some people expect it to be like a fairytale ending, and when it isn't they already assume you aren't the one or something like that. The definition of "the one" iis accurate but the conceptual imagery of one isn't.

 

The grim reality is that not everybody has the stones to face up to that....a grim reality. You have to work at a relationship, regardless of how strong the bond is. Some become jaded and don't want to do it as per Canali's other thread, that would include some hometruths and serious soul searching. For others it is actually too painful.

 

To to OP...I don't refute your claim that she was the one at all. It happens....my parents have been together 27 years now, had a fair share of adversity but did it, and they're happy. I won't delve into their lives but it hasn't all been an easy road. However they are inseperable and they have been to hell and back together.

 

Your girl didn't want to/couldn't work through things and ultimately that issue is with her. I am sure a lot of people are brave when they endure pain but courage is the key to making a relationship work and when tough times come, some just turn their backs on the problems or force their SO to leave them, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. Either way, they don't deal with it. They however will feel worse about it in the long run.

 

But you know...you will change after this as a person and "the one" to you will change also. You will meet someone else and you have evolved personally, and they will fit in more seamlessly with you.

 

Hope this makes sense?

[gary1958]

Hik ellandroader...My parents coming up on there 57 anniversary this July....As for "the one" It is a combination of chemistry, similar interests, goals and aspirations. As well as a melding likes and dislikes....Throw in a personality disorder....especially one that isnt being worked on then the relationship is usually doomed from the start. Also when the partner isnt even told of said disorder till a year into the relationship, not only is that cruel of the person with the issues but it doesnt give the partner a chance to enforce that person and support them. None of this has to do with whether she was the one. Based solely on chemistry, interests, goals and future aspirations we were it. Unfortunately the disorder ruined things. But she still was "The One". It was her denial or unwillingness to help herself that ruined things. I can support but I cant fix. Only she can do that. So she is onto the next victim and if she doesnt make changes in her life the cycle will repeat unfortunately.

[jul-els]

Please don't flame me for what I'm about to say, I don't want to be the "bad" cop here. But, I have been thinking about this very question and I think that we must all also realize that the mere fact that we are no longer with this supposed "love of your life" is perhaps a signal that they aren't really or weren't it to begin with. It's hard to understand the end of a relationship, for whatever its reasons, but maybe this thought of "ex being the love of your life but it just isn't meant to be" is a way of defending against the ugly realization that our thoughts of "forever love" actually turned out to be false.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I think you're right on the money here. One's level of happiness in a relationship is based on one's own perception of it, which may or may not coincide with the reality. There is no "one" person to fulfill all of our love desires. There is only ourselves. There may be someone to spend an entire lifetime with either happily or unhappily or there may be a series of happy or unhappy relationships or there may be no one at all. It's all based on the choices one makes, not destiny. Someone could believe they are with the love of their lives but there are a whole host of potential things that could possibly change that reality. No one can know what the future holds in store. All that someone can do is make the best possible choice based on the present and if those choices produce mostly happiness, then there is a reason to continue believing in them. If they don't, then there isn't.

[canali]

I so wish we had as good role models as were your parents you two...we all need inspiration and most especially the REAL efforts sweat and "blood" that it took especially after the infatuation stage and effects wore off ...im later going to post just on that topic ie how myths are necessary but how they can also be so destructive if we accept them at face value ....I hope you can continue to heal op.

[ellandroader]

I hear ya pal...I truly know what you are experiencing. What I was getting at was what you said, that based on the person, chemistry etc etc, it would work. The real world is what puts those obstacles up and the personality disorder and what stems from that is a test. I wanted to help my girl through everything but only if she wanted to too.

[Fionnuala]

I think it's interesting when you throw something like a personality disorder or major emotional issues into the mix when you're talking about "the one." I struggled with this a lot with my ex too. He was the love of my life in almost every way, but he had major emotional issues that he wasn't and, to my knowledge, still hasn't addressed, which makes it impossible for him to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE, and almost more so with someone who actually is a good match for him. A lot of relationships get ruined by things like depression, bipolar, etc. It's a lot more common than people think. A lot of people with depressed SOs view it almost as a third party interfering in the relationship. And it's a good question: in this case, is it really a case of incompatibility or her not being the right one for you, or is it more like an outside influence disrupting something that would work otherwise? And does it really matter?

 

Anyway, I say all this to say that, yes, I do think it's okay to know that they were the love of your life but it wasn't meant to be. In my situation, I feel like he was the love of my life, but who he was was being clouded by his depression. A lot of people are of the opinion that that then makes him not "the one," but I don't really agree. But I also think there are multiple possible loves of our lives out there, and maybe if this one never works out for you, the next one will.

[WomanWriter]

A lot of relationships get ruined by things like depression, bipolar, etc. It's a lot more common than people think. A lot of people with depressed SOs view it almost as a third party interfering in the relationship. And it's a good question: in this case, is it really a case of incompatibility or her not being the right one for you, or is it more like an outside influence disrupting something that would work otherwise? And does it really matter?

 

.

 

Yeah, it does feel like outside obstacles get in the way of otherwise awesome relationships. I felt that way about my relationship! My ex was never depressed until the last months of our relationship when I noticed a significant change in his personality. Before that depression, he was an average, pretty adjusted guy, very level-headed, rational. But it was like something took over and the patient, friendly person I was with for 7 years turned into an uptight, pessimistic, lethargic stranger. I have a feeling it was due to his circumstances which all came together and put pressure on him. He figured I was just another source of pressure and he snapped. A few days before he ended it, he even said "I feel like everone wants something from me that I am incapable of giving."

 

Anyway, even though I do think it's outside obstacles that get in the way, we are all in charge of determining how WE handle those obstacles. Some people could make it work. Others don't have what it takes. My break up proved to me that my ex did not have the rescources or strength to handle this kind of challenge in life. Since we had marriage plans, that was actually a good thing for me to find out sooner rather than later. Because if I had found out he was the type to bail when times got rough, I would have been really disappointed. What shocked me was that he solved problems with me for 7 years. But those problems were not major. Depression is pretty major. Still, people work these things out. But he is a coward when it comes to any big confrontation. I guess he's just gotta grow up.