Impossible Parents

[caged88]

Hi

 

This is probably ludicrous to many people but I am 21, in a loving relationship but I still live at home. I assume being at that age my parents would at least give me freedom. When it comes to men, oh my goodness my parents wouldn't even let me stay the night at his place. They are very religious and they keep thinking I will sleep around if I do not come home from his place. Truth be told I havn't slept with him because I am far from ready. But with parents trying to phone his place near midnight when he has flat-mates with early starts in the morning is just not fair him and me. Now my parents are threatening to talk to my boyfriend about "this". There is no way they are ready to meet my boyfriend. All they are going to do is tell him to not touch me. This is highly embarrassing because I am not 15 or 16...I tell them I am responsible, I take university seriously and I've NOTHING wrong...They are like this when I am telling them to truth about my whereabouts, I no longer desire this anymore.

 

Why are they so difficult. I am so embarrassed I can't even bring myself * * * * * ing about this to my boyfriend anymore. I feel really crap being in this situation, I have no idea where they got his number, we've never picked up the phone at his place but it does seem to ring very late whenever I'm THERE. I feel the only solution to this to move out but I am finically not ready until after university.

 

Any advice? My parents don't seem to trust me and the fact that I am a grown woman and I am responsible for whatever crap I get into and that they need to STEP BACK.

[yeawutever]

Well if you're still living under their roofs, you can't support yourself to live on your own and they are paying for your health along with other stuff then it sucks, you would have to go by their rules.

 

Are you at least working?? If so then you can save enough money and move out of the house. Or another option is living on a campus dorm (esp. if you're a student and on free tuition), that's not too much. Lastly do you drive??

 

If you don't have any of these yet then maybe that would explain why they're treating you like a baby, because at age 21, if you don't even work nor provide money to them then you're a baby in their eyes and they will continue treating you so.

[sophie274]

When do you graduate? Are you working at all?

 

If living with your parents is severely interfering with your social life, then I think you should make every effort to move out, even if it's not the best financial decision. Depending on where you live, even working part-time might allow you to move out, especially if you choose to live with roommates.

 

Have your parents met your boyfriend? Do you think they would soften if they did?

 

Have you tried talking to them about this? I think it's fine to ask them if they have been calling at your boyfriend's house, and tell them that it is extremely discourteous to his roommates, and to please refrain from doing that. Maybe you could tell them that you have no intention of sleeping with him, but would like to stay over every once in a while. I don't think you have anything to lose by broaching the topic with them, but be sure to try and stay calm so that you guys can have a productive discussion.

[caged88]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I have talked to my mother about this, and she actually told me she trusts me and will allow me to be with my boyfriend just last week but decided to change her mind about it during this week.

 

I told her I will be truthful, and call to let home know I won't come home by 11 and I've always followed that, but even after telling her I will see her the next morning and where I am at the time she continues calling. I had to put my phone on silent and in the morning I had 19 missed calls!!!

 

She definitely has my boyfriend's contact details. She even contacted him this morning as it seems. I find this beyond caring, and now it's just a power trip.

 

I am in a very frustrating situation, but yes, I have tried talking to her and no she will not listen. At all. So I think the best solution is to ask for space, and if I don't get any I will create that space if I am able to.

 

Why are mothers so difficult =(

 

P.S I graduate end of this year

[Ruede]

My dear, I'm in a somewhat similar situation... my parents aren't terribly religious but they're very traditional. It bothers me when people on the forums simply say, "If you're still living under their roof in your low 20s, then you must live by their rules." For one, that doesn't make their rules right... these are terribly infringing and relationship-ruining "rules" they are placing upon you so that they have a peace of mind and they look good to the rest of the family. It's selfish, unfounded, and uncalled for... whether or not you're currently financial dependent or not.

 

I've grown up in a household where my abusive mother actually discouraged me from working, learning chores, etc. And the only time she forced chores upon me was when she was punishing me, and used my lack of knowledge to show me why I am useless. But this, as we know, is like tying someone's feet together for several years, suddenly untying them and telling them to dance.

 

That said, this issue will probably never end until you DO leave... so in that respect, I agree with the few posters here about getting out and becoming more dependent. But I'm always apprehensive to give "if you're not making money and contributing to the household as an adult, then that's why they're treating you as a baby," the reason for your parents being this unreasonable.

 

Anyway, sorry to inject my own experiences into this.

[caged88]

Ruede wow your mother is very abusive for treating you like that. My mom is like that with me and jobs, whenever I go for a job interview she gets angry and in the beginning when I had a job she would keep telling me its bad for me, that I should quit and that its distracting me from uni. It drove me NUTS!! Right now I don't have a job because I gave in to their nagging and quit my job to concentrate on uni.

 

Yes I must agree their rules are not right. They grew up differently and to them whenever I stay at my bf's place I'm giving a bit of myself away, and they are afraid because I was "so" easy to him (we are NOT even having sex which is why this is outrageous) he will do to me however he wishes and people around him will look down on me. They believe being "easy" like that is shameful on the family image.