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DESPERATELY need some help/advice!


aussiefly

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okay, so my situation is a bit of a weird one for me and I really need some help and advice...ive literally made a complete mess of things!

 

My situation is a little unique...i'm currently living with a woman at the moment...living is a loose term because we are sharing the apartment until one of us can move out lets call her L. My relationship with L is completely done...both physically and emotionally...we remain good friends and probably always will...its just we havent ended up being compatible in the long run.

 

Anyway, about 2.5 months ago i met a girl at a local sporting club that we are both members of...lets call her N. N and i share really similiar interests and backgrounds and we immediately hit it off. After alot of beers and cuddling that night...we ended up going back to her place and I stayed the night.

 

Unfortunately, due to stupidity/drunkiness and not wanting to kill the moment...i didnt initially tell her about my living circumstances especially when she asked if i was single (whichi reallyam). anyway, she was pretty ticked about that understandbly but weeventually worked through it.

 

pretty much, after some discussion with N, she decided that we should just be friends because of my situation and the fact i hadnt been directly honest with her. Anyway, this "friendship" is basically a friends with benefits arrangement. We have been sleeping together 2 or 3 times a week and besides that just hanging out at her place and cuddling on the couch watching videos, going out to dinner to nice restraunts, holding hands and going for walks etc.

 

It, in myopionin, has become intimate and is definitely not just sex for me. I wade through work all day just to try and get some time with her every night if i can and im alwyas on tenderhooks waiting for her to call etc etc. I also feel incredibly protective of her and would give her my last ten bucks if she needed it etc etc.

 

Anyway, she has always said the whole way along that this is a "non-relationship" as she calls it but her actions are speaking differently. i mean she always wants me to stay the night...and not just for sex but to simply lay in each others arms and cuddle in bed etc.

 

BUT its been feeling a bit weird the last week or so...she has been a bit scratchy personality wise and a little critical of me etc. And Thursday night...i dropped her home from the sports club and we were laying in bed just cuddling before i had to leave and she said 'i knowyourleaving...i know your not going to stay the night etc etc" in a disparraging way. Soi basically said...look i think we should talk and she said cant talk need to sleep.

 

That was basically it...i left and it gotme thinking where i really want this to go...unfortunately/fortunately I think i actually love this woman and im not just happy with being "friends"with benefits. i want and need more and i think she wants me too.

 

So i did something stupid...i pored my heart out to her in a text message and basically said...i want to spend my time with you but im unsure how you feel about me etc etc and told her exactly how i felt about her...and never got a response.

 

So i sent that text on Friday lunchtime and its now Saturday morning and i havent heard from her which is unusual...and i dont know what to do...should i just give her time etc?

 

i know im a total bonehead for doing this but I just feel so strongly about her...and despite her having said sometime ago that she doesnt want a relationship etc and that we can only ever be friends...her actions and her body tell me different.

 

Am i completely missing the signs here? or is she just using meforpersonal affection??

 

All advice for this total hopeless case much appreciated!

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I'm surprised she still deals with you at all after finding out you're still living with your ex.

 

Move the hell out and start a new relationship if that's what you want, but don't expect any woman to put up with your limbo and your dishonesty. Straighten up and fly right--the rest will follow.

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She either meant what she said regarding only wishing things to be "FWB, or she is having trouble dealing with you living with another female.

 

I don't know of course but it sounds like the former (FWB). You say she has been consistent with saying that all along. And if it were just your situation she was struggling with then I wonder why she just wouldn't say she is struggling with it. Instead she says she is happy with the arrangement at the moment.

 

It would feel like more than FWB to you if you had deeper feelings for her but to her it can simply feel like FWB.

 

Just some thoughts based only on what you have written. You know the situation better.

 

Best wishes...

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Thanks for your response Maya.

 

Well she eventually responded to me today and we sat down to have a chat (if you coudl call it that). I said to her "lets have a quick chat now so that we can clear the air" and she responded that "my air is clear...i dont know about yours". I think I got about 4 words in and the whole thing laster maybe 4 mins. She basically said that she has been clear from the start that its just friends and that there is DEF no chance of any sort of relationship and that she couldnt believe I could screw things up like this.

 

I asked her if there was any part of her that cared for me at all considering the past months we had spent together both in bed and out...and got a pretty stern NO. So that was pretty much that and I gracefully left after about 5 mins.

 

So i've got to say that im pretty gutted right now...im not quite sure how to feel about the whole thing. I suppose that I got the answer I expected but I never though tthat she would stomp on me as hard as she did...I mean it was almost as if she was seriously put out by even having to take the time to talk to me.

 

Anyway, so later on last night...I got this Text from her:

 

" Hey, im really sorry how its ended but i hope i was clear from the start and didnt lead u on! I think uve got a lot of big decisions 2 make that u can only make alone! If you ever want to catch up for dinner and a chat let me know!"

 

So I guess thats pretty much it of the friendship and potentially anything else...im kinda glad that I put myself out there otherwise I would never have known but it doesnt make it feel any better. Thing is im 30 now and I almost feel like ive missed my chance/window at happiness. The thing is...my first love/life partner passed away about five years ago and ever since then i've found it almost impossible to get really close to anyone and when it finally happens it blows up in my face. I'm just not sure I can do this anymore.

 

CATFEEDER: I think your comments dont really represent the situation and were a tad harsh. Plus I own the apartment, and the ex asked to stay on a few months till she was going overseas...i said yes...in fact she leaves on monday for good.

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If you want insight into someone else's behavior, you need to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how you'd feel if treated the way you just treated them.

 

It might sound harsh, but in GF's shoes I'd have resented the hell out of you. If I didn't have the wherewithal to respond to it at the moment of discovery, it would have built in me over time, and I'd likely have paid you back in the same manner she did.

 

This isn't about being harsh with you, it's about giving you a perspective you're not seeing. Nobody wants to feel like a fool, and hooking up with someone only to find out they're still embroiled in their own breakup--living with the ex or not--is enough to make most people livid.

 

I'm glad your ex is moving out--it will give you the opportunity to move forward and position yourself for a relationship free of the stuff that likely made this woman furious with you, whether she'd admit to that or not.

 

Believe it or not, in your corner.

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You could possibly be right cat-feeder but I still feel a little bit like an emotional pinata at the moment. Its almost like it wasnt the living situation or even the start of us seeing each other but more that she simply feels nothing for me. Which strikes me as totally bizarre considering all we have done together...and im not even referring to sex but the truly intimate things like kissing, holding hands on walks along the beach, spenidng hours just laying in each others arms in bed, me rushing over to spend the day nursing her and looking after her when she was sick, swapping secrets etc.

 

I mean if it was just sex...ok that would be a bit different but this just felt really close/intimate and thats coming from a guy. I could never imagine doing all that in just a FWB sort of set-up, or maybe im totally off the page (somone clue me in).

 

But I will say that it REALLY hurt when she said that she felt absolutely nothing for me and when i asked her if there was ANY chance we could have dated if i had been completely honest and she said...."possibly" after a long drawn out silence. I cant believe im actually going to say this....but i feel really used and abused a little...a little bit like just a 2nd rate boyfriend stand-in.

 

I guess this is just deserts for me...but i think this has finished my being emotionally honest with someone (in fact im not sure i can really do the dating thing for a while at least)...I expected worst case scenario to get the "i really like you as a friend talk" I never expected to walk away feeling like a piece of dirt.

 

Anyway, thank you for the response guys, whatever it is, it feels better being able to talk about it even to ppl i dont know.

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I admire your willingness to consider opinions you don't 'like', and I can even appreciate why these points haven't occurred to you. I'm just speaking from the POV of a woman who's been in GF's shoes. I'm not trying to offend you, but rather I hope to raise for you the pieces of your puzzle that you're missing.

 

You could possibly be right cat-feeder but I still feel a little bit like an emotional pinata at the moment. Its almost like it wasnt the living situation or even the start of us seeing each other but more that she simply feels nothing for me. Which strikes me as totally bizarre considering all we have done together...and im not even referring to sex but the truly intimate things like kissing, holding hands on walks along the beach, spenidng hours just laying in each others arms in bed, me rushing over to spend the day nursing her and looking after her when she was sick, swapping secrets etc.

 

After she was blindsided by your delayed 'honesty' she hung in there to see if things would play out in her favor, but think about it--after each shared intimacy, where did you go?

 

Your answer is enough to make anyone go cold. Your rationalizations don't compensate for the emotional response she needed to gulp down every time you went home to your ex.

 

I mean if it was just sex...ok that would be a bit different but this just felt really close/intimate and thats coming from a guy. I could never imagine doing all that in just a FWB sort of set-up, or maybe im totally off the page (somone clue me in).

 

I'm trying to clue you in, because you're not seeing this from her POV. You continue to make it all about you. That is your answer.

 

But I will say that it REALLY hurt when she said that she felt absolutely nothing for me and when i asked her if there was ANY chance we could have dated if i had been completely honest and she said...."possibly" after a long drawn out silence. I cant believe im actually going to say this....but i feel really used and abused a little...a little bit like just a 2nd rate boyfriend stand-in.

 

She felt second rate every time you went home. The details behind that closed door don't matter to the GF who was left behind every time. That's the part you didn't see. She felt like the 'other woman' and a taste of that feeling is enough to shut anyone down who's got a brain in her head. That's why I'm surprised she gave you the time of day. That's not an insult to you, it's a statement of how it feels to have a man leave your arms to return home to a woman who lives there. Whether that woman 'understands' you or not isn't the point--whether the state of your relationship with her is good or bad doesn't matter. The fact is, you didn't finish one thing before starting another, and it burned both of you.

 

I guess this is just deserts for me...but i think this has finished my being emotionally honest with someone (in fact im not sure i can really do the dating thing for a while at least)...I expected worst case scenario to get the "i really like you as a friend talk" I never expected to walk away feeling like a piece of dirt.

 

It doesn't sound as though she was being punitive toward you, it sounds as though the futility of her position became clearer and clearer until she went numb with self preservation. Really, can you blame her?

 

This isn't about blaming you, either. It's about clarity. The thing was a mess from the start, and painting it with a romantic brush was never enough to overcome the reality, which made her feel like the dirt you're claiming for yourself. But playing the victim isn't profitable--it's not productive at all. Making the change in your life that will put you on solid ground will be your first step to understanding what happened here, and it's not all about you. For someone who claims to have cared for this girl, you show no empathy for her position and how it made her feel. So she opted for self respect instead.

 

In your corner, and my best,

Cat

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Aussiefly,

 

I have to tell you that I agree 100% with catfeeder. If it were me, I would not have engaged in a fwb relationship with you. I would have lost all respect for you from the beginning with the lies and the fact that you live with your ex. I think she lost respect for you too. She stayed with it so she could get intimacy, physical and emotional, but she didn't want more (a bf-gf relationship).

 

She was upfront and honest from the beginning of the fwb situation. That's why so many people don't recommend them, because it's easy to get caught up in developing feelings for the other person.

 

Just learn the lesson for next time. Don't live with an ex. Be honest. And don't get that intimate without a bf-gf commitment first.

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I don't think she lost respect for you aussiefly... I think the exact same thing would have happened with this particular person had you been living alone.

 

And that sounds a bit of a double standard... She loses respect but still sleeps with you? That wouldn't equally bode well for her. Though again, I don't think it was that. I think she just wanted sex & nothing more from the get-go - end of story....

 

Good is that you tell people your situation from the outset but I don't think it had much to do with it in this once instance. |

 

Maaaany, many years ago I lived with an ex for 1.5 years after we finished dating (weren't married) because of finances. We got along great in a platonic living arrangement & the couple of people I dated understood.

 

Anyway - If you are only asking for advice for this particular situation I think it has been answered for you in your final discussion with her as you can see....

 

She doesn't care in the same way that you do & for this I'm sorry but at the same time it frees you up to find a more suited heart for you....

 

Best....

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