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I don't know where to turn.

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I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, trying to hold it in. My mother came home and started yelling at me because I wasn't sure what she wanted me to do when she asked me to bring her mother something. So she began to yell at me and call me ungrateful and this and that. I go to the steps and start crying. I keep telling her I'm going to end up hurting her someday and I don't want to. I was beat so much as a child and it's stopped years ago but now it's verbal and mental abuse. I'd rather be hit than this.


I don't want to die. I considered it about 10 minutes ago, but I don't want to die. I do, however, want to move out but I don't know how. My mother does things for me I don't ask her to do and throws it up in my face. My mind is out of whack.


I asked her kindly to stop bringing it up. I asked her kindly to stop talking to me so I can be alone and let the sadness take it's course. But me, I'm not allowed to cry like a regular, normal human being. I'm not human, I'm a verbal ragdoll. Just here for other people to talk about me or diss me. I came to that realization years ago when I was bullied at school.


So after all of this, when I was in the floor, crying, rocking back and forth, my blood pressure about sky high, she asks me to come in to show me something she got. I said "what do you want?" rudely, because I'm upset pretty much. She says "never mind" in a rude way to me. Like I just did something wrong. Now she's threatening to lock me out, take my computer away, take every privelage away from me. Simply because I don't do anything for anyone, apparently, I'm cruel and heartless, even though I run money and food and prescriptions up the stairs every day about 10 times, get ice for her aboout 3 times a day, go places with her even though I don't want to, get critisized every day about my weight or my hair or the way I'm wearing my clothes.


Now she's asking me to get her a hammer. I'm sobbing asking to be left alone. I said I'm not getting a hammer, I'm upset. I need to calm down. My eyes are bloodshot. So she comes in and comments on my hair color and calls it ugly and says I'm not buying that hair dye for you. I pause and look at her and say.


"What the..."


I'm lost. My brain is all over the place.

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Is there a counselor at school you can talk to? I think it would help you to talk to a person more than venting and posting online (though it does help a bit!). Maybe they could refer you and your mother to get some counseling together.

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