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Help, I feel so angry, now that I no longer want him


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I feel so angry. I don't know if this is normal. Last week I sent my ex a letter saying I need to heal and move on and that a friendship feels wrong for me at this point, and that I want no contact with him at all. I wished him the best and didn't express any anger / hurt about the past.

 

For months I longed for us to get back together... now that I have no more urge to call him, have left the fantasy of us getting back together, and do not want any contact or friendship with him, I find myself feeling REALLY angry at him. I think back on how I worked on myself, recognized all my wrongs, and how he never recognized HIS role in our problems, let alone apologize. I even found out stuff recently that makes me loose respect for him and doubt his sincerity. I am angry that I blamed myself so much in the relationship. I am angry at how passive he was and at how he strung me along for MONTHS. I am SO ANGRY!!! (and hurt). help me please.

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Don't worry. Anger is a part of the healing process: once you are through with this emotion you will feel better. It's healthy to experience the anger now and that it is directed towards him - much better than not living through it while you are single than unleashing in onto the next guy, who doesn't deserve it

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Believe it or not, this is actually a very good sign. It means you are learning and growing from this past relationship. I'm sorry that it hurts now but the good news is that it will help you find someone more suited for you than your ex because you'll have a little better idea of what you want in a significant other.

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thanks girls...

 

should I send him another letter expressing these feelings?

 

lol please try to understand, it feels like poison inside me, especially the little thing I saw recently that had me think he is a jerk.

 

or should I write letters but not send them? Just write them to heal and let the past go and let him stay with the GOOD feeling of my last letters (there were 2 - one was written from Mexico when I got my period - I get VERY emotional and I was the sweetest to him, reminiscing on my feelings of "LUV" for him lol, and the 2nd one was letting him go gently, telling him I want to go NC, but that I am happy we met, I loved him, etc.)... he gets all these good words, while he left me hanging, and didn't work at anything while in the relationship. and strung me along after. and pretended to want to have this friendship, which felt wrong, I think, just to avoid his own guilt at leaving. I am so mad at him !!!!

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write the letters to vent, but do NOT send them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Penelope, I think you give great advice.

 

so I would like to know, why leave him with the "you were so amazing", lovy-dovy feeling, the message that he doens't need to be accountable for his actions, and that I will take all the blame? why not tell him the other side of things?

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Even if you are 'entitled' to unload the other half of your emotions on him - ask yourself what is your true motivation?

Not to let him get away with his part in the breakup? - Whatever you say, the relationship is over and you can't force him to acknowledge that you are right/ your feelings are right.

 

To give him constructive criticism so that he can avoid the same kind of mistakes in the future? - That would be noble, but I don't believe that is your motivation. Besides that, constructive criticism only has an effect if the recipient has either asked for it/ is in the frame of mind to critically analyze himself/ herself.

 

Otherwise it's just 'into one ear and out the other' without any effect - which would just frustrate you even more for having spend all that time and energy on him

 

 

For now it's better to just go into NC

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I am at this stage too, i think....

 

I mean my ex isn't/wasn't jerk-material, he is in all honesty a good guy, but just not relationship material, I feel. So sometimes I think about things he's said and done and it makes me go "hmmm... and I blamed myself and felt bad about things going bad when he was also doing and saying things that weren't helping??"

 

I think it's normal for the dumpee to feel guilty and feel like the relationship's breaking down is all our fault. Once we start healing and the truth reveals itself to us, that is when we get indignant and angry - i think it's kinda like feeling defensive cuz we've realised, hey, he was in the wrong too! Why did I apologise to him for all my faults?

 

At this point, even though you'd like to get in the last word on how you're really feeling right now, I think actions speak louder than words. Apathy can feel worse than hate to some people, so just ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist - he's DEAD to you. In a month or so, he'll be wondering why he hasn't heard from you and this will get the message accross to him, in time...

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I am rather conflicted because really, my ex is a good person. It is just a few small things that made me doubt him, and something I saw recently.

 

I agree though, venting my anger on him isn't good. Like Penelope said, it will be in one ear, out the other (he is really the avoidant type), and like you mentioned, being gone is more of a statement toward what I want than expressing my anger. Because I am showing that i am detached, as opposed to still clinging to him. IN the past, we typically would go no longer than 10 days, before one of us called... you're right that in a month, 2 months, 3 months, he will see that I am really gone.

 

sometimes I still find myself fantasizing that we will be back together, or that he will beg for me back (it happenned last night). Like I said, the detachement is very recent, (of not wanting to be with him anymore, of no longer reminicing about the past), and I think the anger is exactly like you mentionned: why did I blame myself for everything? why was he so passive? he always finds a way to distract himself or avoid facing facts, responsibility, etc.... anyway... I think my anger is keeping me from relapsing into a fantazy land where we are back together and "work things out".

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I feel angry too, my ex dumped me and he is a really nice guy with good morals, but he just wasnt ready for a commited adult relationship, he even said he knows he will regret it in the future but he cannot carry on with the relationship right now, i am really angry because i put so much effort and helped him alot with issues. Atleast i can walk with my head up because i didnt do anything wrong, i also feel angry that i gave him satisfaction by crying and telling him i am heartbroken, now i am doing NC and i believe that when a few months has passed i will feel okay. NC is the best way to show ur ex that u were not to blame for everything and he is the one missing out- while healing at the same time.

saying nothing is more powerful than writing a letter, do not let him know what u are feeling/thinking he abandoned the right when he dumped u.

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I can relate. My ex said he just wans't ready, that he regretted it, but was too scared to come back, and I too am angry at myself for crying and begging for so long.

 

I especailly love this part of your post:

 

"NC is the best way to show ur ex that u were not to blame for everything and he is the one missing out- while healing at the same time.

saying nothing is more powerful than writing a letter, do not let him know what u are feeling/thinking he abandoned the right when he dumped u."

 

thank you.

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Hey I'm sure a large part if that anger is also self directed for feeling like "a fool" in not seeing the signals because you were Ga Ga: like most of us here you put your heart out there and wanted something more than it was....am I right? But you are at a stage where instead of keeping that anger self directed (and thus is known as depression) it is now going outwards....you feel also betrayed....reality vs illusion ...its natural to feel this anger....I was so close to sending off THE most hurtful letters a few weeks ago to my ex that now I am very glad I didn't....they would have taken away my self esteem had I given into the impulse....it would have also shown her I'm still attached emotionally--and in a clearly less powerful and less attractive way too....get some TLC from your friends and family as you need it to heal and feel ok ...sure journal often to vent when needed (it really helps!) and write those nasty letters but don't send them...instead share them with a close friend who will roll her eyes and thus give you a sense of how "out of it" you are because you need perspective... but don't send them...if anything remember this last line in my reply: this stage WILL pass...trust me!

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Thanks Canali

 

yes I am also angry at myself, and feeling depressed.

 

The thing is, I have anger at myself since childhood, so it's like a vicious cycle I can never get out of... being angry and blaming myself, choosing the wrong relationship... it doesn't work out so I get angry at myself...

 

I think it is a good sign that I can see his share of responsibility and stop blaming myself exclusivelly. I am still trying to figure out what went wrong between us, but I know one of the things: I am a demanding person with high expectations of myself and others (too high) and he is the opposite (too low). we clashed because of that I think. I felt I couldn't set boudaries and express my needs for fear of loosing him. i felt dependent emotionally. And I feel that he took avantage of that (perhaps not conscioulsy) to make himself feel in control. For example when I expressed a need, I would afterward have remorse and be apologetic. I would cry and he would rescue me. the we would talk about my childhood issues and resulting fears. I became more and more dependent on him because of that, and my insecurity increased.

 

sometimes I would be mean to him, get mad about stupid stuff, because I felt like I was loosing control. One of the big problems was that he moved in right away, not literally, but as if. he was there like 6 nights a week within a couple of weeks. I felt insecure because I have worked hard to get myslef through school and to be on my own, and he is still living at home and doesn't have his high school diploma (he just quit adult ed again). conveniently he started being at my place all the time, but it was like, he was clueless about the impact of it. Example he would take a 30 minute shower, sometimes twice in the day. But he never asked to pay some of the hot water. he was just acting entitled. In return, I could not tell him I fould that unacceptable, but instead I would knitpick at whether he put the bathroom stuff back in place, etc. etc. and it became like a control game. etc etc

 

I'll never move that fast into a relationship again... it's not a sign of love, but of mutual excessive emotional dependency. I think I got angry at him a lot because of my own stuff, but that he also didn,t bring the security needed in the relationship. I need to be with someone who is done high school, pursuing career goals, and has his own place. not a baby who goes from mom to me. I think I chose him because it felt less threatening than to be with a mre educated independent man. becasue I am afraid that if I go with an independent, more educated man, he will be controlling and abusive to me like my father was to me, my mom and my siblings. I am so terrified of being controlled and abused by a man, that I choose "loosers". but it's a double edge sword. I don,t want like a super educated guy, just an average guy. Like a teacher for example. I am not trying to say that the man has to make tons of cash or be like a doctor, don't get me wrong. I just need the basic stuff. Finished high school, stable job, own apartement. I am also scared of long term commitment. It feels like a prison to me. even in friendships and jobs, I have many issues with commitment. I think it is also linked to fear of abandonement. it just feels like things have to be broken all the time. So in a way I think I chose my pain in the case of this relationhsip and break up.

 

thansk for listening.

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