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Were we meant to be together?


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I recently reconnected with a man (Mr. Perfect) that I sort of dated years ago. What I mean by sort of dated is, we did everything a couple would do in a relationship but because I was in a relationship with someone else, it wasn’t official. During that time, Mr. Perfect was very persistent with trying to win my heart and trying to get me to leave boyfriend (now husband) but I would not give in. Part of the reason was fear. I was so in love with Mr. Perfect and I felt vulnerable, I didn’t like feeling that way and felt my heart would be broken; I couldn’t let my guard down. It was too good to be true because no man could be that perfect. What I mean by perfect is he gave me everything I needed emotionally and physically and everything else was a bonus. He wasn’t dating exclusively because he devoted most of time pursuing me. Well, one day I found out Mr. Perfect slept with an acquaintance and this totally crushed me. Although I had no right to be upset because I was with someone and I understand he had needs, but it was the fact that I knew the person. As a result, I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. I was embarrassed and too proud. Therefore, I married my boyfriend because I knew he would always be faithful and thought Mr. Perfect would go away.

 

Mr. Perfect didn’t go away that easy, he was still pursuing me and telling my marriage was a mistake. Although I was married, I was still emotionally connected to him and craved his affection. We stayed in contact for a while, until he reached the conclusion that I would never be with him. There was a point in our lives that we actually distanced ourselves from each other and lost contact for about 5 years. During that time I always felt a void and often wondered “what if”. Well, recently, I broke down and called him. We chatted and I discovered he was married and for some reason, I was a little jealous. We agreed to meet for drinks to catch up. As we chatted, I discovered there were things in his marriage that he wasn’t happy with and I shared issues with mine (that’s another letter). As a result, we ended up being intimate with each other. The night it happened tears came to my eyes because I felt a connection to him that was undescribeable, it felt like we had never been apart. That’s when I knew I couldn’t let him go and we both agreed that now is our time to be together.

 

As the two of us work to start our lives together, I am overwhelmed with guilt. My husband is a good person and I am truly sad that I am hurting him. I know that he loves me more than anything in the world but I have never been able to return that love. I do care for him but I guess I was not in love and there were issues in our marriage. My husband is going beyond anything I’ve ever witnessed trying to save the marriage, he is not willing to let go that easy and I feel terrible that he continues to torture himself. I also have people telling me I should work on my marriage, how we took vows before God, and how Mr. Perfect is not able to do the things financially that my husband does.

 

No one is considering my feelings and that’s making me angry. I am financially secure and I am not looking for a man to take care of me. My marriage was the result of me being too proud to forgive the man I was in love with and I don’t feel that I should stay in a relationship if I’m not happy. I feel that I am with the person that I am supposed to be with. It feels right and I don’t regret the decision I made. I just feel a great deal of sadness for my husband and wish he would let go and move on. Am I wrong for leaving my husband after 10 years of marriage for another man, considering our history? I’m just looking for an opinion or feedback.

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This was all a mistake from the get-go.

 

I can understand how you feel, but you made a huge mistake.

 

It wasn't fair to your husband (then bf) to marry him while you were in love with another man. You left your husband as an option, in case it didn't work out with "Mr. Perfect".

 

I don't think it's right or reasonable, by any means, to leave your husband, who has done nothing but love you & take care of you (it seems), to be with Mr. Perfect.

 

When it comes down to it, you did take vows before God, & nowhere in those vows did you mention any conditions.

 

I think you're pretty overwhelmed with this whole situation.

 

You mentioned Mr. Perfect is married!? Why would you want to leave your husband for someone who has his own life? The two of you being "unhappy" is not a legitimate reason to tear your lives apart for each other.

 

You need to think far ahead & consider the consequences. What if you leave your husband for Mr. Perfect, & that spark fades after a while? What are you gonna do then? Run back to your husband?

 

What if Mr. Perfect isn't willing to leave his wife for you?

 

If you're asking for general advice, I suggest you eliminate Mr. Perfect our of your life completely, & start working on what's really important here--your marriage.

 

If you feel like you can never live without Mr. Perfect, then it's probably better that you leave your marriage now & save your husband the time & effort he's spending on you, when he could be investing it into something/someone with potential who will return the same back.

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I think that your mistake was to marry your husband and waste ten years of his life when you loved another man. But it would compound that mistake now to stay with him when you don't love him and waste even more of his life. I hope you have been honest about how you essentially misled him all this time, including cheating on him, so that at least he won't live in false hope that you will ever love him.

 

As for Mr Perfect - be aware that he may not be so perfect once you are both completely free and start your life together. Relationships started through infidelity often go awry. It might be an idea to spend some time on your own first to make sure he is right for you.

 

Do you have children with your husband?

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Actually, Mr. Perfect is going through a divorce. My husband knows about him and knew about him before we got married. I think my husband (then bf) knew how I felt about him and when he found out that Mr. Perfect slept with an acquaintance, he used that to turn me against him, I fell right into it. Yes, the situation is totally overwhelming. You mentioned that my husband never did anything to me, but he did and is getting help for it now. I won't go into that because I don't want to make him seem like a bad person. I stayed married to him as long as I did because at one point, he had me feeling like I couldn't make it without him

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Actually, Mr. Perfect is going through a divorce. My husband knows about him and knew about him before we got married. I think my husband (then bf) knew how I felt about him and when he found out that Mr. Perfect slept with an acquaintance, he used that to turn me against him, I fell right into it. Yes, the situation is totally overwhelming. You mentioned that my husband never did anything to me, but he did and is getting help for it now. I won't go into that because I don't want to make him seem like a bad person. I stayed married to him as long as I did because at one point, he had me feeling like I couldn't make it without him

 

Well, none of us here on ENA know you or your husband.

 

It would help if you shared with us what your relationship has been like with your husband, to help us better evaluate the situation.

 

If he's been unfaithful as well in the past, then that totally changes my perspective on everything.

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Is 'Mr Perfect' still married? I'm just wondering about the ability of this guy to commit to one person ... I mean, he pursued someone who was not available (you) for a considerable length of time (people who are seriously in search of commitment don't tend to do this), and now he's married to somebody else whom he drops like a hot coal...

 

You say that 'What I mean by perfect is he gave me everything I needed emotionally and physically and everything else was a bonus' - you were actually in a relationship at the time so your needs wouldn't have been that great anyway. Are you really sure that this would continue if you were 'his' exclusively?

 

My concern - and I may well be wrong here - is that you will leave behind a 10-year marriage, with all the upset and chaos that will cause, to indulge in a fantasy which will crumble to dust once it's subject to the stresses and mundanity of everyday life. Maybe it's worth it for you. Maybe it will lay to rest this 'void' you've been living with for years.

 

Does his wife feature in the picture at all? You say your husband's working very hard to save the marriage - is the other guy's wife going to let him go without a fight?

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, or a bad person or anything like that. I just think you should be very, very wary ...

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Your sentence "no one is considering my feelings and it's making me angry" makes me angry. You are the only person that could say "I do" for you. My relationship ended because of an affair on his part and it hurts me to the core. No one considered MY feelings when they were having the affair.

 

How selfish.

 

I think you should leave your husband and Mr Perfect. Get some counseling and figure out why you have such a huge dependence on men. If Mr Perfect is still around after you improve yourself, go for it... but don't be surprised if he cheats on you too.

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Just to give you a little background, my husband has issues with control and is in counceling for it. He controlled every aspect of my life and made it appear as if I was useless. I have had to get help for this as well because it was feared that I was going through mental abuse, according to friends & family. As for Mr. Perfect, his wife asked for a divorce. Apparently, she was unfaithful to him. He felt as though it was Karma so he accepted it and tried to make it work but in the end, she wanted out. I know it was wrong to waste 10 years of my husbands life and I feel terrible about this. We never had children during our marriage, neither did Mr. Perfect and we are still at an age where we can have them.

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You have to do what's best for you . I mean no offense but your husband should not have that much trouble finding a better fit for him. It sounds like he struggled with you from the get go. He should feel a sense of relief soon honestly.

 

As for you and Mr Perfect I say go for it but be ready for the slings and arrows. Two marriages were killed.

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Just to give you a little background, my husband has issues with control and is in counceling for it. He controlled every aspect of my life and made it appear as if I was useless. I have had to get help for this as well because it was feared that I was going through mental abuse, according to friends & family. As for Mr. Perfect, his wife asked for a divorce. Apparently, she was unfaithful to him. He felt as though it was Karma so he accepted it and tried to make it work but in the end, she wanted out. I know it was wrong to waste 10 years of my husbands life and I feel terrible about this. We never had children during our marriage, neither did Mr. Perfect and we are still at an age where we can have them.

 

If you left your husband for Mr. Perfect, & things didn't work out with Mr. Perfect...would you want your husband back?

 

Think about that question very carefully.

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Honestly, I would not go back to my husband if things didn't work out. I didn't leave my husband for Mr. Perfect. Actually, I was planning to leave, saving money & finding a place before Mr. Perfect came back into the picture. When Mr. Perfect found out about all of this, he offered to let me stay with him but I didn't think it was a good idea.

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You do not love your husband in the same way that he loves you, according to your post. Therefore, it is only fair to leave him....regardless of whether things work out with "Mr. Perfect."

 

There is no sense in trying to work on your marriage by this point; if the feelings for your husband don't exist by now then they never will.

 

So follow your feelings and see where they lead but don't waste your husband's time (or your own) any further; accept responsibility for your own actions and don't look back because of fear....

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Honestly, I would not go back to my husband if things didn't work out. I didn't leave my husband for Mr. Perfect. Actually, I was planning to leave, saving money & finding a place before Mr. Perfect came back into the picture. When Mr. Perfect found out about all of this, he offered to let me stay with him but I didn't think it was a good idea.

 

If you feel that your marriage is on the rocks & if you can't picture "til death do us part" with your husband, then you can leave the marriage guilt-free.

 

However, if you feel like you & him can make your marriage work with a little effort, then you should probably try that before you turn to Mr. Perfect.

 

Reality is, he had this long-time emotional/physical affair with you while he was with his wife.

 

Relationships aren't always happy & perfect. People go through tough times, arguments, etc...that doesn't give you the right to be unfaithful & turn to someone else for comfort & fulfillment.

 

If he did this to his wife, chances are, he's not as "Perfect" as you make him out to be.

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I think leaving your husband is the best way to go.

He deserves to be happy just like we all do and by being with someone who doesn't love him back will hurt him more over the years.

 

That said - you should realize that going back to him will not be an option if the other man doesn't work out.

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You do not love your husband in the same way that he loves you, according to your post. Therefore, it is only fair to leave him....regardless of whether things work out with "Mr. Perfect."

 

There is no sense in trying to work on your marriage by this point; if the feelings for your husband don't exist by now then they never will.

 

So follow your feelings and see where they lead but don't waste your husband's time (or your own) any further; accept responsibility for your own actions and don't look back because of fear....

 

Very well put!

 

And as you well know there aren't any guarantees when it comes to any type of rels as far as succes goes..

 

So if the rels with Mr Perfect doesnt shine as brightly as it did when you could not have each other completely..what will you do then?

 

You will have lost your marriage, lost Mr Perfect..what will that do to you? I am worried for you..because no matter how much you have grown..you have shown before to be a woman who has let herself get emotionally abused for years. What will a possible ending do to your wellbeing? Figure that out and you and Mr Perfect are good to go..

 

Its your life and you have a right to live it the way you want it...its just sad to think that if what you and Mr P have is soo good..so much hurt was needed to be with each other..

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Honestly, I would not go back to my husband if things didn't work out. I didn't leave my husband for Mr. Perfect. Actually, I was planning to leave, saving money & finding a place

Has your husband had an opportunity to save money so he is not overly affected by the separation? It seems to me to be somewhat underhanded to take what are supposed to be joint marital assets and secretly stash money away to make the divorce easier on you if your husband can't do the same thing. You may be surprised to find a divorce court would be more than a little censorious should this come to light. And if you hide these assets without declaring them that action could expose you to perjury charges.

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Has your husband had an opportunity to save money so he is not overly affected by the separation? It seems to me to be somewhat underhanded to take what are supposed to be joint marital assets and secretly stash money away to make the divorce easier on you if your husband can't do the same thing. You may be surprised to find a divorce court would be more than a little censorious should this come to light. And if you hide these assets without declaring them that action could expose you to perjury charges.

 

Yes, money was never an issue, I didn't contribute to the household bills. I was the one who had to figure out a way to get my own money to leave.

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I think that your mistake was to marry your husband and waste ten years of his life when you loved another man. But it would compound that mistake now to stay with him when you don't love him and waste even more of his life. I hope you have been honest about how you essentially misled him all this time, including cheating on him, so that at least he won't live in false hope that you will ever love him.

 

As for Mr Perfect - be aware that he may not be so perfect once you are both completely free and start your life together. Relationships started through infidelity often go awry. It might be an idea to spend some time on your own first to make sure he is right for you.

 

Do you have children with your husband?

 

I wanted to respond to this...It was a huge mistake for me to marry my husband for a few reasons. However, I tried to end the relationship a few times before we even got married and after. Each time, he put this guilt trip on me and made me believe he was going to hurt me or himself. I guess out of sympathy or being afraid and not in my right mind made me stay. This last time, I told him that I did not love him and how on numerious ocassions, I wanted to leave but he would not let me or I felt that I would not be able to make it on my own, so I stayed. I didn't work so he controlled the money and what I spent. He would yell at me if I didn't cook or if I didn't clean the house according to his expectations. He didn't want to have children. I never shared any of this with friends or family until recently. They thought I had a peferct life until I disclosed all of this. However, I still feel like I've done something wrong by deciding to leave. This is why I decided to find some sort of outlet to get the opinion of people that don't know me. Mr. Perfect came back into the picture during all of this, it just so happened, his wife wanted to leave him. He did nothing wrong and according to him he was faithful to her, she just wasn't to him. I don't know if we are back in each others lives on the rebound or if it's what was supposed to happen, considering the history we have. We both admitted that we have always loved each other, even during the 5 years we had no contact. If this is just a phase that will end, then I'll have to deal with it. I know that I can be fine on my own.

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