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Need help with learning to live with my boyfriend!


iekirby

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My boyfriend and I have been living together for a month and a half now. It was utter bliss the first few weeks, there were minor problems but somehow everything was just perfect as though it was all meant to be. Then in the past week or so, things seem to be spiraling downwards. He has been struggling to find a job ever since we moved in together, but he's been able to pay for rent, bills, etc. because he was selling alot of his stuff and his family lent him a bit of money. However, after a month and a half of unemployment and running out of things to sell and being in our apartment all the time, it's really putting alot of stress on him. To make things worst, I recently finished my contract work, so I'm currently unemployed as well and sitting at home with him 24/7.

 

We are arguing almost everyday now about the smallest things, but what bothers me isn't the fights. It is the worry that with each fight (which are getting more intense each time), we are getting closer to the point when we might just end it all. We're both very insecure people and very much alike in the way we behave. We are both very defensive, stubborn and want the last word in every argument, and we use sarcasm and hurtful words when we see the other person using them. We've also had a bad history of fights/break-up, make-up situations and everytime we fight now I'm just terrified that it's all going to happen again, but this time instead of us just going home, we're stuck with an apartment and all the stuff in it that we both paid for.

 

We haven't been together that long before deciding to move in together. The decision to do so was partly because we are so crazy about each other, and the other part is because it simply makes more sense economically to share a place together since we are both relocating to a new city. We both know that there are still lots of things we don't know about each other, and that there will be an adjustment period. However, in the meantime I'm going nuts trying to figure out how to deal with him and myself and all our daily stresses with jobs, bills, etc. Lately during our fights, he keeps mentioning that I'm becoming needy and that he feels he doesn't get anytime to himself and all we do is watch TV and eat instead of doing something constructive and useful. As much as I agree with him, I still feel hurt especially when all this comes through during our heated fights and lots of unpleasant words appear. I end up getting all emotional, and he only gets more frustrated because he feels we're wasting time. We've tried talking in a more calm and civilized manner, and it seems to work...until the next fight. I don't really know we keep having disagreements or how to end them.

 

As for me, I feel he has changed. He used to be attentive, considerate, caring and sensitive, so I guess in a way he basically spoiled me trying to impress me (all part of the sweet beginnings of a new relationship). In fact, I even asked him about this the other day, and his response was that he was trying to impress me and win me over. Now that he has me, I guess he feels he shouldn't have to do these things anymore. We couldn't get enough of each other before, we were constantly holding hands, kissing and hugging. Now he doesn't want to hold hands as much, and kissing seems to be something during foreplay and when we sleep at night he prefers to sleep on his own side of the bed because he said it's uncomfortable to sleep while holding me in his arms all night. When I asked him about this, he said back then he was willing to be uncomfortable all night because I only stayed over his place twice a week and not every night.

 

Anyway, sorry about this long story, but I just don't know what to do. We're at a stage where we don't want to talk about this anymore because it only leads to arguments, but I have to find a way so that things are not going to continue this way. I'm still crazy about him and I want this relationship to work, but I don't know how to make things better. Please, can anyone help? Any advice, suggestions would be great, thank you.

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First, how long have you been together?

 

Second, do you each have friends and people that you spend time with away from each other? If not, you NEED to. Relationships need air.

 

Living together can be tough (I've been living with my guy for something like 2 years?? hehe I forget) and we still have battles over housework, etc... sometimes.

 

Have you worked out who will pay each bill, etc...? Try divying up responsibilities so that things are even and you each know exactly what you are covering.

 

Not having jobs can definitely be stressful for sure, but try not to take that stress out on each other, and don't let it drive a wedge between you.

 

Communicate- what are your fears, hopes, dreams, etc...?

 

Play silly little games to get to know each other- 20 q's, etc...

 

Make sure to do nice little things for each other- ie: backrubs, etc... without being asked.

 

Be a team, don't fight each other or let your frustrations out on each other, esp. if you're similar personalities. It takes a lot of self control (I'm guilty of letting my emotions slip) but it's good to at leat try and appologize when you slip up.

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First off, thanks for your reply and helpful advice, redrose85. I really appreciate you taking the time out to read my epic post and to provide such useful advice about situation.

 

To answer your question, we met last August; got together in October and then moved in by February. So we've only been together for a total of 5 months as a couple.

 

I know it's crazy of us to move in after such a short time, believe me we both know how nuts that is and many people has told us it's not a good idea and we've both have doubts and even fights about it before. But we are also just as crazy about each other too. We've tried being a part and do the long-distance thing (I later had to move away from the city where we met and where he lived), but we just couldn't. Then an opportunity came for him to move to where I was and he took it, and after considering the financial aspect of us living in two separate apartments, it just made more sense for us to share a place together. So we decided to give it a try and live together.

 

In regards to friends, all my friends are back home in another city. His friends also aren't in the city where we live now, but in nearby towns. His brother also live close by, so he has more of a social circle than I do. So it's been quite difficult for me since everytime I want to call my friends, it's a long-distance call and I have to consider the time difference. You are totally right though, I do notice that we both need friends or something besides each other, but it's hard because we're both starting over in a new city.

 

Bills are basically split in half and after some complaining from him about me not doing any chores, I'm starting to help out more around the house. The big problem is the job situation. He has been unemployed for a month and a half now, and even I'm starting to feel the stress because if he can't pay his half of the rent, bills, etc., I simply can't cover him and I hope he doesn't expect me to when that time comes.

 

We have very similar personalities and interests, which is sometimes great but lately it's been horrible because he deals with stress and problems and reacts to provocation the same way I do, and that is tough to handle. My biggest challenge is to trying not to get emotion when he acts this way. Yet it's pretty tough when he starts using name-calling, sarcasm and talking in a defensive tone. I simply don't know how to respond to that without ending up in tears, and him throwing his hands up in the air in annoyance.

 

In any case, thanks for the advice. I think you are absolutely right with the ideas you've given me. Sometimes it's all about little kind gestures and being more considerate. But it's just really hard right now, and since we're both totally new to living together, we both don't know how to handle each other when we're in having our little mood swings. Thanks again for your help. I hope that anyone who is living with their boyfriend or girlfriend could also share their experiences if they like. It's so good to know that I'm not alone out there. Thanks again

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