can't fight it

[sarey]

can't fight it

need to cut

now

[redrose85]

No sarey! You don't need to. Eat, excercise, watch a movie, dance, cry, write in a journal... do anything else that can distract you until the feeling passes. Please don't hurt yourself

 

 

What is it that has you upset?

[king6]

I never understood cutting, but know its painful.

 

I used to feel the same way, what Id do is go sit in the shower and turn the knob as hot as It can go and just sit there until it was unberable. (im not saying burn yourself)

Probaly not the best option, but cutting your self is a very bad idea.

[sarey]

yeah ive been cutting since i was about 9 i think i know its bad.

 

i need to punish myself

ive been so horrible and awful

i need to punish myself

i need to hurt

i need to

i dont deserve forgiveness

at all

i dontn even deserve him

and i do that

what

is

wrong

with

me

why

i j

i

blahh

[redrose85]

You do not need to punish yourself. There is nothing awful enough that you could have done to deserve that kind of self-torture.

 

 

Nine years old?? Seriously?

[sarey]

yeah.

i first started self harming when i was about 7/8

then cutting started shortly after roughly around 9.

not all that suprising, my first attempt to kill myself was around that age too.

 

yes there is.

really.

im a terrible person.

actually

i dont even deserve to be called a person

im awful

evil

BLAH

 

[Raistlin]

Sarey, please don't cut anymore. You're worth so much and you don't realize it =\

 

Please talk to someone, either in real life or from ENA. PM me if you want to talk; I'll write back as soon as I see the message.

[sarey]

 

its so hard

this is so hard

this is so

damn

hard

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Sarey, i know how you feel i do. And right now your in recovery for something else. Did you notice that its so hard to live without both? I notice that. Whenever i give up one the other flares up.

 

But you can defeat them both. You are one of the strongest people i know. You can do this. You are not evil. You are definitely worth calling human. You deserve good things.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Some big some small. But you cannot punish yourself for it. You do not deserve it.

[sarey]

ABD, thank you hun

I did notice that, when one is trying to fight back against one thing, the other just... flares up, like you said...

Currently, I'm pretty much only fighting the bulimic urges, but the anorexic ones ... like, I restrict heavily, but I'm actually fighting restricting to the point where I'll most likely end up dead, and resisiting exercising so much, it's so hard, and then I find myself in a position where I want to so badly just cut, or drink, or one of my other awful addictions...

 

how do you cope? How can you cope??

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I know exactly what you mean. Its like if your not doing your bulimic ways then you HAVE to restrict, and when you feel so sick and so angry at yourself you need another way to get rid of all this pain thats stuck inside of you. Its like you need an escape from yourself almost.

 

I wish i knew how to cope. I wish i had all the answers. Talk to us though, i will be your coping mechanism! I will be here for you baby girl. Vent away knowing you will always get an answer as soon as i see it. I know its not much. But its all i know how to give.

[sarey]

Well, I used to purge whatever I did eat whilst I was restricting, or I'd be fasting, so I wouldn't need to purge, even though I did actually purge when I drank something with calories in it. My ed specialist said I have anorexia, then a few months ago she said I have bulimia, so I'm like... great... so I'm fighting TWO ed's now... perfect. JUST WHAT I NEED huh?

 

*CUDDLES*

I have PM'd you, I can't text ;( stupid phone.

[redrose85]

I'm sorry I dropped off sarey... went out of town. How are you doing today?

[sarey]

I'm struggling. Mostly with the eating disorder and I'm feeling extremely frustrated and I want to pop some strong painkillers and drink but yeah...

 

Fine I guess?