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can't stop seeing the ex, she the same...


dturner

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Ok, heres my current situation, if anyone has some good advice or has been here before then please feel free to post.

 

I finished with my ex 5 weeks ago, she said that she lossed them feeling for me and that she couldn’t see me in her future doing long term stuff (moving in together, kids etc)

 

I went 3 weeks with no contact, basically agreed that I couldn’t be with her if she didn’t feel like that. It killed me inside but I never showed it.

 

She got in contact when drunk and we ended up having sex after 3 week NC. The day after she said she felt guilty and still felt there was something telling her this was wrong.

 

I went no contact again for 2 weeks. I sent a playful text and she ended up in my bed again. This time sober and we spent pretty much all night/morning together in bed.

 

I dropped her off, said it was nice to see her and then went NC again.

 

The past 2 days we have been e-mailing each other and tonight spent 2 hours on the phone joking and laughing.

 

We discussed us abit and she still said that although she likes spending time with me she still gets the feeling that it’s somehow wrong.

 

I was with her for 2 years and she is my first love (she doesn’t know this).

 

Am 30 and all the other girls iv been with I never loved.

 

We get on so well and when we spend time together it’s like nothing has changed apart from when she is on her own she gets these thoughts that it somehow wrong.

 

What do I do?

 

Has anyone been id this position? If so, is there any way back?

 

We always end up coming back to each other, I know she cares for me and the attraction is still there to an extent, but just no enough for her to stop having these doubts.

 

It broke my heart to go no contact with her and when I see her speck to her, we laugh and do all the things we used to do.

 

What can I do to maximize my chances?

 

Iv told her I don’t want to be friends so am not going down that road…

 

turner

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but you are her friend...with benefits. keep putting yourself out there...and she'll keep pulling the strings. tough road to walk down. she's been pretty upfront with you that she's just not feeling it. what's going to change her mind? do you see a real future with her? or are you just feeling a little lonely at the moment?

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Did she say she loved you at all?

 

Do you think she loves you but just can't see it working long term?

 

Can you put up with that in the hope that she might change? If not, she is not the right person for you.

 

Also, meeting up for sex without talking about this stuff will not help either of you move on the relationship OR get closure - I really think you need to talk this through with her.

 

Forget the flirtin and bed - have a serious talk then you can make a decision either way.

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have you always been upfront about your feelings for her? i mean...really obvious about it? i mean...it's not just coming out now that she's decided she doesn't want to be with you? be honest on that one.

 

Yes, she as always know my feelings for her and it isn’t just coming out now although not the part about her been my first love and am not going to declare it now because its not going to change anything.

 

Did she say she loved you at all?

 

Do you think she loves you but just can't see it working long term?

 

Can you put up with that in the hope that she might change? If not, she is not the right person for you.

 

Also, meeting up for sex without talking about this stuff will not help either of you move on the relationship OR get closure - I really think you need to talk this through with her.

 

Forget the flirtin and bed - have a serious talk then you can make a decision either way.

 

Yes during our relationship she told me she loved me although we weren’t the type of couple to say it all the time. I could tell though through her actions, she was very giving.

 

I met up with her and we talked for about 4 hours but still left it without solution. She says she doesn’t want to get back because she can’t see a future with me but she doesn’t want to stop seeing me. I don’t want to be friends so were stuck.

 

We ended up going out and having the best night together and it was like nothing had every changed.

 

There is still an attraction because when were together we act like a couple. But the attraction is not strong enough to get rid of her doubts.

Yet there is still something there because she can’t walk away.

 

She is torn down the middle

 

turner

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have you always been upfront about your feelings for her? i mean...really obvious about it? i mean...it's not just coming out now that she's decided she doesn't want to be with you? be honest on that one.

 

Yes, she as always know my feelings for her and it isn’t just coming out now although not the part about her been my first love and am not going to declare it now because its not going to change anything.

 

Did she say she loved you at all?

 

Do you think she loves you but just can't see it working long term?

 

Can you put up with that in the hope that she might change? If not, she is not the right person for you.

 

Also, meeting up for sex without talking about this stuff will not help either of you move on the relationship OR get closure - I really think you need to talk this through with her.

 

Forget the flirtin and bed - have a serious talk then you can make a decision either way.

 

Yes during our relationship she told me she loved me although we weren’t the type of couple to say it all the time. I could tell though through her actions, she was very giving.

 

I met up with her and we talked for about 4 hours but still left it without solution. She says she doesn’t want to get back because she can’t see a future with me but she doesn’t want to stop seeing me. I don’t want to be friends so were stuck.

 

We ended up going out and having the best night together and it was like nothing had every changed.

 

There is still an attraction because when were together we act like a couple. But the attraction is not strong enough to get rid of her doubts.

Yet there is still something there because she can’t walk away.

 

She is torn down the middle

 

turner

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3 weeks is not enough time for someone to truly miss someone's presence in their life. She is only just feeling the first twinge of it, and by being there for her, you are allowing her to slowly wean herself off of the relationship.

 

If you want to have sex with her every three weeks or so, fine, continue on, but realize that this will only continue until she finds someone else, and will then dump you like a hot potato. You won't have healed or moved on, and when this happens, it will be just like breaking up all over again.

 

Or...better to fade out permanently now, tell her there's nothing more to discuss between you two and wish her good luck. Stick to this for at least 2-3 months without responding to any contact from her. Forget her numbers, block her, whatever. Work on yourself and your goals during this time, and when the time is right, pursue other women who will appreciate you more. If she realizes her mistake in this time, make her show you, and let her know that you won't tolerate any vague feelings of "something is not right" going forward. You can't carry on a relationship where one person has all the control, and right at this moment, she has 100% of the control and you are going along with it. Best wishes.

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I met up with her and we talked for about 4 hours but still left it without solution. She says she doesn’t want to get back because she can’t see a future with me but she doesn’t want to stop seeing me. I don’t want to be friends so were stuck.

 

Honey, I don't see what's so hard to understand. She doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't see a future with you. Everything else doesn't matter. I think you need to withdraw now and start to try to heal.

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Honey, I don't see what's so hard to understand. She doesn't want a relationship with you and doesn't see a future with you. Everything else doesn't matter. I think you need to withdraw now and start to try to heal.

 

I agree, she seems to be treating you like a friend but with just the benefits SHE wants, and if you respond she has no need to feel guilty.

 

I have been there with someone like this, first of all I tried to be their friend but that hurt too much. I then convinced myself I would happy with a 'friends with benefits' situation and it was o.k. for a few weeks, but it was never the same and he got colder and colder about it which really hurt.

 

Ended up saying I couldn't do the friendship and managed to heal much quicker with NC.

 

Good luck.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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