untouchable Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 My ex broke up with me In 3 months ago. We have had very little contact but more lately of her doing. I never am the one who contacts her. What's the best advice on overcoming this fear of hers. Has anyone ever overcome this type of thing. If so, how did you do it? Link to comment
untouchable Posted April 9, 2009 Author Share Posted April 9, 2009 She is afraid i will go back to my old habits off letting the relationship get stale, not talking about problems or feelings, making her feel important the whole thing. How can you build that trust again that it wont happen? Or do you have to let the situation be and see what happens? Anyones thoughts would be great! Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Well you should say 'You dont know if you dont try' You could aways give it a trial run, see how it goes and if it does go back to how it was then separate again and finally. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 What have you done to improve yourself? If you have done nothing then chances are her fears are well founded. Time fixes nothing but broken bones. Take control of the probelms that caused this breakup, not to prove anything to her, but to make yourself a better bf, brother and one day a father. Permanent change takes work and brutal honesty with yourself and others. Look for a few books on improving the things you know need improving. Read and learn and I bet she will see the changes. Let her discover them so they will be real to her. best wishes on your second chance Lost Link to comment
starlight40 Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 Its a very real fear, in hindsight and very recent experience people RARELY change Link to comment
untouchable Posted April 9, 2009 Author Share Posted April 9, 2009 I get what everyone is saying. I have read some books to better myself and to change issues that I caused with us. I told her basically there is nothing more I can really say but to just SHOW her the changes I have made to make us both happy. I have read books and actually sent her a copy of one that I had read and left her a letter in it outlining what I had thought I had did wrong. I just feel like there is nothing more I can really say. It's got to the point where I have to prove that she can trust me again. She seems like she wants to but is just scared and afraid to go back to a scary place which I can understand. Things have gotten better between us this past month since the split. She has been contacting me more often since I choose NC for a while. Should I just give her more time? I guess that’s the hard part, breaking threw her guard. How can I do that? Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 What's the best advice on overcoming this fear of hers. Has anyone ever overcome this type of thing. If so, how did you do it? First ... consider that her fear is perfectly reasonable. Why invest more of her time and emotions to experience more of the same thing? Second ... tell us what you have done to change things. Are you thinking and working hard on this? Contrary to what some cynics here will tell you, people do change -- it's called "learning." In fact, as the cliché goes, "The only person you can change is yourself." And remember, everyone fukks up; the primary difference between "smart people" and "dumb people" is that smart people learn from their mistakes and correct their behavior, while dumb people keep making the same mistakes again and again. So which side do you wanna come down on? Link to comment
untouchable Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Well she has been a lot more emotional lately. She is having family issues since she moved back home when we split. Her parents may be getting a divorce soon, so this adds to my troubles I think. I am stuck between being there for her to show her that I care about her still, but then again I don’t want to be the person she leans on, then to take off when she has everything figured out. How should I react? Link to comment
Puo Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 Untouchable, I think BlueAfterGlow said it best. If she is afraid things will go back to the way they were, then all you can do is tell her that you won't find out until you try. If she asks for time to think, give it to her. That's about it. And if she decides that she wants to go for a trial run, then do it. If not, then let it be. Don't worry, I'm in the same position as you. I admitted my mistakes, told her that we'll only find out if we try again, and let it be at that. The waiting sometimes sucks, but its either that or completely let go. ATM I'm trying to do both at the same time, which sure isn't easy. But its better than putting all my eggs in one basket (no post-Easter puns intended ) Link to comment
untouchable Posted April 13, 2009 Author Share Posted April 13, 2009 Yeah I just sucks waiting around, I feel like there are other reasons that might prevent her from wanting to try again, like with her parents maybe splitting. She is the oldest of her brothers and sisters so I am sure they put a lot of pressure on her as well. I guess I will take things slow and see how they go. I just dont want to be that sucker who kinda helps her get her head together then she takes off. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Yeah I just sucks waiting around, I feel like there are other reasons that might prevent her from wanting to try again, like with her parents maybe splitting. She is the oldest of her brothers and sisters so I am sure they put a lot of pressure on her as well. I guess I will take things slow and see how they go. I just dont want to be that sucker who kinda helps her get her head together then she takes off. Well then she must choose to work on building a relationship then. I'd stay away from friendship offers and empty promises. Link to comment
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