Broke up w/ Porn Addict- Distraught

[sosadtoday92]

On Tuesday I had found his "library". He wanted me to give him a chance to do it on his own without therapy. He called it a bad habit. On Wednesday, I told him I supported him, but I needed to set boundaries by getting rid of his library and no porn. He said he loved me more than anything in the world, he would get rid of it no problem and he would do whatever it took to make us right. That night he showed me his recycle bin. I took a quick look and my heart sank.. it was not everything. I know b/c it was categorized by the name of the girls. TODAY!!! Yes, I wanted verification. I went on his external drive deep within his files labeled TAXES was 8 girls and hundreds of pics he did not delete. He also hid some of his bookmarks. Worse of all more downloads FROM TODAY!!! I met him for lunch, told him what I did- I couldnt live like this- and he made his choice. I didnt understand how he could destroy our lives and home, how he purposely lied to me about how he felt about us and what he was going to do and did the opposite, how he destroyed us just to JO to porn. He said he was a horrible person and we should remove the computer and put up blocks, but he did not want to go to therapy. I said thereapy, was a MUST 6 mos minimum. I said I couldnt live like this and he was not to come home. He slammed the door and left the car. My life, my home, my love is over b/c my BF has chosen porn over my love and support and his home. I am distraught and feel like I have no one to talk too. Thanks for letting me vent. Ijust dont understand how someone could hate his partner who loves him so much to do this???

[TechResQ]

Oh man, I am so sorry. He obviously has a serious addiction problem. I don't blame you for breaking up with him...without trust, there is no relationship and he has completely broken the trust between you.

 

Stay strong. God Bless.

[SapphireNoir10]

He needs to want to get help and therapy. You've done all you can for now. He needs to get help but you cant force him too.

 

stay strong and hope he realises hes got a real flesh and blood person who loves him.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Yeah, that's a bit much. I don't mind some porn, but that seems like an addiction, and really disturbing. I can see how that would bother you, to be honest, and I think I'm quite broad minded.

[deleted-account]

He doesn't hate you... he has an addiction. I personally don't see porn as a big issue in a relationship, but he lied to you about it which is a big no-no. You did the right thing.

[russ978]

I didnt understand how he could destroy our lives and home, how he purposely lied to me about how he felt about us and what he was going to do and did the opposite, how he destroyed us just to JO to porn. He said he was a horrible person and we should remove the computer and put up blocks, but he did not want to go to therapy. I said thereapy, was a MUST 6 mos minimum.

 

Not completely sure on all the back story but maybe this is what's going through his head.

 

Woman, you're killing me here, I already feel castrated because you've controled the way I dress, the music I listen to, and made me feel horrible for owning porn like every other red blooded male in the United States and most other countries. It is cheap (most of the time free) and makes me feel good.

 

If we broke up, I could download more, of course I could...but I'm stupid idiot who has built up a collection over time of the scenes I like and the ones that really get me going! Do I tell you to stop taking long baths or not to use the rabbit vibrator that seems to give you so much pleasure, insisting that you throw it in the trash? Vibrators are easily acquired and the threesome video I have of XYZ girl is in no way better than you but it really gets me going and I get a type of pleasure out of it that I simply don't get from you. I've had that clip since I was 16 and love it like I love my Ken Griffy Jr. Rookie card. I don't need it but I love to have it. It isn't that porn is better, but I know how to take care of myself in the same way that a vibrator takes care of you in a way that I can't.

 

Now you're telling me that my hobby, what you call an addiction, is unhealthy and are even trying to push me to go to 6 months of therapy? Do you want me to call up all my friends and family and show them how much you have imasculated me, that I have a porn addiction, and I'm sorry how my desire to pleasure myself has stolen from their lives?

 

/steps off soap box

 

Like I said, I'm not sure of all the details and understand that everyone has their thoughts about what type of porn is and is not acceptable if acceptable at all...but if you run around trying to make others adhere to any sort of rigid moral standard you possess, porn or otherwise...are you really that suprized when it doesn't work out?

 

Suggestion for next go around, don't ask about his porn collection, don't ask to see it, don't go snooping for it, just accept it as a given and that is is likely more horrific than you can tolerate.

 

If some woman broke up with me over my porn collection, I would be laughing my way all the way to the bar and telling people about the 'stupidest breakup I ever had.'

 

Just tryingo to be honest and give the other side of what is obviously a serious issue for you but that most of us have grown to accept as a part of most relationships just like admitting that people we date have slept with others before, they may have had a threesome...and they may have things in their past we'd rather they didn't.

 

Good luck!

[Tethys]

Russ, do you have a woman?

[grymoire]

Well Russ it looks like porn got in the way of her relationship then that is a problem isn't it?

 

I know most men watch porn. I also love to watch porn. But if my GF has a major problem with it and feels like it is getting in the way of the relationship then I do not mind not watching it any more. In fact I doubt if I will need porn when I have a GF.

[sosadtoday92]

Russ,

 

Beleve me when I tell you, I do not have a poblem with Porn. I am sure every man has a porn collection, but does ever man not have the ability to have sex b.c he says he watches too much porn, does every man tell his GF that he has a serious problem with it, does every man say that he will try to correct the problem and the next day continue the activity. It is ahrd for me to understand too. I could care less if he watched porn in moderation.. but this is a habit that he cant control.

[greywolf]

I'm with russ on this one. Unless porn is significantly getting in the way of our relationship, I wouldn't mind if my SO watched porn.

[KG]

I'm with russ on this one. Unless porn is significantly getting in the way of our relationship, I wouldn't mind if my SO watched porn.

 

She tried to discuss this with him....he agreed to get rid of it. But then he lied about it. So it did get in the way of the relationship. I'm sure if he had not hidden it, and only looked at it occassionally, then deleted it, no prob. But he had tons of it....why? Any guy can get ona site, do the deed, delete it. Why did he have to amass so much porn?

[Tethys]

I asked him if he had a woman, because he seemed too attached to his rather extensive porn collection. Porn is fine, but wow, there is a limit.

[Cardinal]

Maybe it is just me, but I don't think trying to get all the porn off of the computer is such a smart idea. It probably wouldn't do much to break an addiction for me. In fact, the opposite seems to be the case. It is not a 1 for 1 comparison but I find that many men lie about porn much like women lie about having orgasms. I don't agree with either version of lying but it happens all the time.

 

If a woman who cared for me noticed that I had a porn addiction and wanted to help me beat it (literally), I would be all for it. But if I sensed that she was doing it just to try to make me get rid of my collection or primarily b/c she just wanted to control me, I would react pretty much like russ alluded to. I'd just make sure that your intentions were made clear and didn't come accross as clouded or having other motivations.

[melrich]

Unless porn is significantly getting in the way of our relationship

Well that is what the OP is telling you.

 

To the OP. You have done the right thing. Ultimately, if someone has an addiction they can't or are not willing to overcome you have to stop supporting them. Addictions are ultimatum territory and that is an accepted treatment for them. Hopefully this will be the catalyst he needs.

 

And to the people who respond "What's wrong with a bit of porn"....this is not about the occassional use of porn. This is about something that has taken over this person's life.

[greywolf]

She tried to discuss this with him....he agreed to get rid of it. But then he lied about it. So it did get in the way of the relationship. I'm sure if he had not hidden it, and only looked at it occassionally, then deleted it, no prob. But he had tons of it....why? Any guy can get ona site, do the deed, delete it. Why did he have to amass so much porn?

 

I don't know... I collect porn too.

 

OP: I just read your other post. I agree then that it is a problem.

[grymoire]

but does ever man not have the ability to have sex b.c he says he watches too much porn

 

huh?!?!? what do you mean by this? does he has problems getting hard?

[Casey13]

Porn addiction can be as severe as any other addiction out there so in his defense it shouldnt be dismissed as a neglectfull thing he did to you and your relationship but rather as an illness that he cant get out of. Im not saying that his may be that severe as to call it an illness but there is that possibility in which case he may really be over the top in love with you and want to be the best that he can be but just cant control his addiction and needs help with it. A three year old can be looking into her fathers eyes saying daddy daddy please dont smoke and as much as the father wants to stop for the three year old he just CANT break free of the addiction although he would die for the kid. If your relationship is good otherwise I would pressure him to see outside help and stick by him through this rather then walk away because he wont help himself. Just my opinion

[Brownstone322]

I'm with russ on this one. Unless porn is significantly getting in the way of our relationship, I wouldn't mind if my SO watched porn.

I think Russ is onto something too. It's hard to tell from what the originl post offers (all from one side, of course), but I sense an "iron-fisted control freak" every bit as much as a "porn addict."

[sosadtoday92]

He is too spent should we say and also has no interest these days in partnered sex. Maybe I am coming accross as controlling, but I have no experience. I wanted to help him. He said he had a problem and wanted to correct it. I did not tell him he had a problem. I am not an expert and maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him to get rid of the library. I was just trying to set boundaries. Now I feel like a b*tch and I am hruting so bad. Crap.

[madmarten]

huh?!?!? what do you mean by this? does he has problems getting hard?

 

Well if a guy looks at a lot of porn and gets off to it too much, it will/can satisfy his drive and make him not want be with his partner. Which is apparently the case with OP.

 

Although, the OP left off this important detail. Maybe should be easily inferred, but assuming is bad. Any way it is pretty clear that her SO has a severe problem/addiction.

 

To the OP, could you clarify, is any porn bad or just that you SO has such a strong damaging addiction and has lied about it? Ok I think you answered it.

[greywolf]

He is too spent should we say and also has no interest these days in partnered sex. Maybe I am coming accross as controlling, but I have no experience. I wanted to help him. He said he had a problem and wanted to correct it. I did not tell him he had a problem. I am not an expert and maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him to get rid of the library. I was just trying to set boundaries. Now I feel like a b*tch and I am hruting so bad. Crap.

 

OP in this situation I don't think anyone would know exactly what to do. I don't think you did anything wrong.

[rocio]

He is too spent should we say and also has no interest these days in partnered sex. Maybe I am coming accross as controlling, but I have no experience. I wanted to help him. He said he had a problem and wanted to correct it. I did not tell him he had a problem. I am not an expert and maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him to get rid of the library. I was just trying to set boundaries. Now I feel like a b*tch and I am hruting so bad. Crap.

 

Please don't let these comments get to you. The thing with posting on an anonymous forum like this is that anyone is free to comment, regardless of whether their input is valid or not. It's up to you to sort through and take the stuff that is applicable.

 

I think these guys are projecting their own experiences on to your situation. They've had controlling girlfriends. They enjoy porn. And, since they enjoy porn, they feel the need to defend any man who watches it, regardless of whether than man has a problem or not.

 

What I noticed right away about your previous post was that he admitted he had a problem but refused to accept help. That's almost a dead give away that the guy is not serious about giving it up.

 

One thing that also often differentiates the guys with series porn problems from those who can control their use, is that the addicts feel very ashamed. This was something I initially found hard to understand, since I enjoy watching porn from time to time and never thought there was anything shameful about it. However, my partner would never watch it with me, felt the need to hide it, was obvious very ashamed when I would bring it up, and admitted that he felt ashamed. Huge red flags right there.

 

This is his problem, not yours. A woman doesn't turn her man into a porn addict. I would be willing to bet any amount of money that he had this problem before you met him... And will continue to have it until he finally comes to a point where something changes inside HIM. There is nothing you could have done to make that happen.

 

I'm just glad you got out when you did. You did the right thing. HE was the problem, not you. Are you perfect? No. Did you make mistakes in the relationship? Undoubtedly. But HE owns his porn addiction. The only part YOU own in that, is the fact that you got in before it destroyed your self esteem.

[BellaDonna]

One of my good friends just filed for divorce, and her husband's porn addiction was one of the reasons.

 

Unfortunately she looked through the computer and found that he was watching it - for HOURS and HOURS during the day- while he was supposed to be caring for their 8 month old son. (They work oppsite shifts and both care for the baby when the other is at work)

 

He also does not want to have sex with her- and has been wasting their money on all kinds of online sites while they are struggling to put food on the table.

 

There were other problems in the relationship too- but this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Clearly your BF's porn addiction has ruined your relationship- I think you did the right thing. If he is not willing to address the problem- you should not wait around for him.

 

I feel bad for anyone who will end up like my friend- choosing one of these porn-addicted people to marry and to father their children- only to have them jerking off while they are supposed to be watching their child. This is not the life to raise a child/family around, or to have a happy relationship.

 

Get out now, while you have your dignity. Find a partner who is not emotionally inept and hollow, and who will have sex with you- a real woman, in real life. -Who can open himself to you sexually, instead of living in a fantasy world of money shots, passive women, and breast implants.

 

You deserve so much more.

[KG]

He is too spent should we say and also has no interest these days in partnered sex. Maybe I am coming accross as controlling, but I have no experience. I wanted to help him. He said he had a problem and wanted to correct it. I did not tell him he had a problem. I am not an expert and maybe I did the wrong thing by telling him to get rid of the library. I was just trying to set boundaries. Now I feel like a b*tch and I am hruting so bad. Crap.

 

No you didn't. It was affecting your relationship...what's the alternative, to enable him? so his library gets bigger. So your sex life and esteem suffer more? You took the adult approach, he took the addicts way out.

[grymoire]

What is the cure for pornography addicition?