need advice in what to do...

[Zacarias]

hello there,

 

I am a 21 year old from portugal and it's been like 5 or 6 years since i met a japanese girl in on of those pages like "facebook" and since then i had some email's exchanged with her, but nothing serious and nothing in a regular basis, from time to time (long time actually) we used to email each other...

this girl goes to college and she is majoring in portuguese language, so she recently came to my country on vacation and told me that, so we could meet and i could show her around some places. In the the day we met, i started to fall in love with this girl during the day, but i didn't start hitting on her like i wanted, i didn't want to someone from the other side of the world feel awkward with my attempt of "having more then i had" with that person, so i contained myself and prefer that she kept a good idea of me... then she went to the capital of my country as she planned after meeting me and during that time we emailed each other and started noticing that we both felt the same way towards each other and we started to have feelings for each other in no time, so , she decided to leave the capital while she was still on vacation and come visit me one more time before going back to japan, and this time, we simply had a day of "boyfriend and girlfriend" together,where we talked, we kissed, we've done allot together, and i completely fell in love with this girl, i like to think that i am a person that put's rational thoughts in front of my feelings towards someone, but in this case, i just let myself go and felt really good about it...

it's been almost two months since she left my country we tried to email each other as often as we could but and talk on messenger as little as we could because of regional time differences it is kind of hard... but after 2 months i notice that we just don't talk as much, we keep on saying the same things over and over to each other, i feel that the initial "hype" of when it all started is going away... The thing that still holds me to her is that she has the idea of living in Brazil or Portugal after majoring in portuguese so she could learn the language better, and in my opinion maybe she should go to brazil since i think she would have allot more opportunities then in Portugal, and i told her that she should do what she think is better for her and for her life, and i would respect that decision even though i would love the idea of having her in my country, and for the looks of it, she still doesn't know for sure where she wants to go, but i think that meeting me affected allot what she may end up going because she talks about coming to portugal now, and that wasn't something that she would say when we first met... so i am stuck with someone that i love and i am not sure that i will ever be able to be with her again because she still needs to finish college in japan and it will take at least 2 years and to add up to this, she haven't told me for sure were does she want to go when she finishes college... I am kind of getting crazy with this situation and i would like to know your thoughts about it and some tips or advice would be helpful, thanks for reading this long post

[Whiskers]

Olá bom dia, como está?

If it helps my fiancé is Portuguese and we started out just emailing each other, I went to live in Portugal a little later. I didn't have any commitments like university (though I wanted more than anything to go) but it was all a little too fast for me and before I knew it I was missing the daily grind of getting up for work (sad but true)

We've since moved to England, I'm back at work and happy and my fiancé is as he always was.

However, it's not all sunshine, we have HUGE cultural differences...but that's something else.

So where am I ging with this? Well a few things...those two years will probably go flying by one way or another. Either she is likely to visit or you visit her during that time and things will more than likely be clearer or you'll drift apart when someone new comes on the scene.

I don't say this harshly, only that over time some long distance relationships cool off.

Others find after a perfect day or few days that when they finally meet again the spark has gone, there just a little awkwardness and after that the relationship disappears.

You were right not to try and sway her decision to live in Portugal and not Brazil, but in 2 years (plus time for making arrangements to move and what not) a lot can change.

If it's meant to be then it will be.

XXXX

[Zacarias]

my problem is that i find that 2 months is too soon for things to start cooling off, i would never expect to start having strong feeling for someone so quick and also see that things can cool off at the same rate they started.. I am willing to do whatever it takes to maintain this relation , i just don t feel that she is willing to do the same while we are apart... I am not the kind of person that likes to wait and see, things have to be done now or else i am afraid we will both lose interest in each other , I might be pressuring her too much but i need to have something that will make me continue with this relation that even I think its crazy... thanks for your insight^^

[Whiskers]

I understand what you are saying and pressuring her will not change anything. As you said you can't wait but you've also said she should do whatever it is she wants, so you have no real guarantees in this relationship anyway.

It would more than likely be a better to start with the emails, expand them, tell her what you did that day, who you met and what your plans are, don't let them go stale.

It is possible that even you will feel the flash of lust that started this relationship fade with time and though you probably don't want to hear it, it's just the way of things.

As you know the first few months of a relationship are usually good and are the start of the future. You are not making a future or spending time with this woman and as a result it's slipping out of your hands.

Might it not be a good idea to suggest a meeting in her country or yours for sometimes that's agreeable to you both and give you something to talk about and look forward to...even if you just learn her feeling and intentions towards you its a start.

XXXX

[Zacarias]

its like you said Whiskers, its not having guarantees of whats going to happen in the future is making me a bit paranoid... keeping myself faithful to this person will be hard for at least 2 years without being sure of anything,if i was sure of something, i think i wouldn't have a problem...

 

I am also a college student in portugal that am a bit uncertain with my own future here, i ve been 2 years in a course that i am unhappy with, so i am thinking of changing college and start over, but anyway, as a student in portugal its kind of hard to finance myself to a trip to japan, a country that i allways wanted to visit but now i have a even bigger reason to go there... it's hard for me, and its another thing that i am nt sure i will be able to do any time soon...

 

I also seem to be the more communicative person of the relationship, its something i don't mind, i like her the way she is, but in a LDR its giving me a hard time, i feel that i am the one thats making all the questions, wanting to know more, giving all the suggestions to make things better for us....

 

I don't have the feeling that she might dump me any time soon, maybe i am just paranoid by not being in control of things, in the past , i've been in alot of relations that ended bad for me with ppl that lived close to me, so i grew up to be a bit bitter towards women i might start having feelings for, i try to be in guard at all times, and these last years in college i felt pretty good by not being committed to anyone(nor feelings) and having occasional short time relations... this girl changed me since i met her... the cultural differences that you mentioned can be hard to understand and quite interesting at the same time...

 

anyway, sorry for going a bit around the initial subject but i just don t know if i should be telling this person stuff that i already mentioned here, i don't want to sound all paranoid, and by emails i can't find a good way to explain myself completely...thanks for the replies

[Whiskers]

I think maybe you need to be creative, for instance, some of the questions in your emails should be insightful.

Have you got MSN or Skype? you can both make time to talk to each other for no cost at all, (I'm talking about the option to talk as long as you're connected to the internet, have a microphone and can hear - most laptops are good enough! you can learn so much more from hearing voices and it'd help

XXXX

Boa noite

[Zacarias]

for almost a week that this girl didn't tell me anything, only today when i asked her if everything is ok and got a simple response like : "need time to be on my own for now"

 

i think when something like this happens, you have to speak with the other person to figure things out... since this didn't happen, i guess ill just have to see her as another not so good "experience" in my love life... i still like her, but i know i have to stop doing it whatever the conclusion that might pop in her head '-.-

 

and wiskers, thanks for your reply's, they where always helpful.

[Zacarias]

i really need some advice in what to do now....

 

for like 3 days this girl haven't said a word so i just had to ask her what was going on, and she simply said something like am fine, school started yesterday.just need some time on my own".

 

this simply devastated me, i am not a person that takes very well ppl asking for time, specially in a LDR where the base of everything is communication and she simply didn't say anything else ever since(its been more then a week now)... so i don't have a clue in why all of the sudden i get the silent treatment from her not even knowing why, i am talking about a person that was recently making plans to come live to Portugal so we could be closer...

 

I start having the idea that most women are simply crazy and don't know what the hell they want...

 

so after that short mail she wrote me i send her two emails, the first saying that i think that she should talk to me cuz she would have plenty of time to be on her own after it, the second one i simply lost my patience, so i told her that i didn t understand why was she being silent on me and that i felt that i knew where she wanted to take this situation, so i had made my mind and she could have all the time in the world from now on, i am done.

 

didn't get no reply's since then also, so i tried t look for some comfort reading this forum and articles about people behavior, and i got much more calm, suddenly i felt that i could be more patient if i ever talked to her again and not get all paranoid and angry (like i think i would after what she did to me) so i tried calling her, and she rejected the call, so without loosing my head again i ve sent her a email saying that i was willing to hear what she had to say with no hard feelings, that i would do whatever possible to help her out and that i would give her he space she needs but at least tell me why, and in the end i told her i am sorry for what i may have done.

 

I don't think that i will ever be with this girl again now, and i believe that if one person can do you harm one time she will do it again and again, unfortunately i don't think that a relation with this person would work anymore, but i am in desperate need of closure, It's killing me not knowing the reason why this is happening, and i think if she didn t tell me the reason already she will never do it or if she does i am afraid she will be lying...

 

what do you think i can expect from this? i would like to hear your opinions and advice in what to do in this matter, i still love this person and deep down inside me i want her to come up with a pretty damn good excuse for what she is doing, but my conscious and rational part of me tells me to stay away, but i still need closure badly, no mater what...

[Zacarias]

any thoughts in this last part from anyone?