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Learning your ex was in a "gang bang" with 3 guys


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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

I'm 19 and a few months ago I was dumped out of a 7 month relationship which was on and off. She dumped me 3 times during the 7 months. When she dumped me, she had told me that that she couldn't handle a relationship during school... so I couldn't argue... two weeks later, she started dating someone else. And later learned from a friend that one of the reasons she dumped me because I didin't have sex with her enough.

 

Through the whole relationship I ignored signs of a mental issue. She had told me that she lied about having cancer for a couple years and blamed it on having multiple personalities disorder (which I believed to be a lie, too... just to cover up the cancer lie) so I never actually knew what was mentally wrong with her, just that she had a horrible past about lying. She had also lost one of her closest friends to this all lying. And I was catching her in lies, too... left and right, but I ignored them... among other signs of a mental disorder that I just ignored.

 

 

One of the biggest lies I began finding out about was her sexual past. She always had a problems talking about her sexual past, covering up with lies, avoiding the subject... whatever. She told me she had had sex with one guy, later I found out she had given blow jobs to a few other guys, and kept trying to deny them, and tried covering them up... but that didn't bother me much... what did bother me was that if she was lying about that... what else could she be hiding??

 

 

Now that the relationship has been over for a few months now, I decided to find closure in her closest friend, who I mentioned earlier. I learned more about her lying and about a certain incident that's ruining me and tearing me up inside...

 

 

I learned about 4 months before she started dating me, she and her friend (the one I mentioned) went to a small get together. My ex, her friend and 3 guys. Later on in the night, my ex, and the 3 guys disappeared into a bedroom... needless to say they all had sex with her... at once... a gangbang if you will... my ex and one of the guys admitted what they had done that to her friend.

 

 

 

It's been 3 months, the time has made me realize I will never want her back... I can't handle a girl with a mental issue. But, this promiscuous fact about my ex has been tearing me up inside... I've been in tears over it...

 

 

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it... I figured learning something like that about an ex would make me feel better about the the break up, but it hurts so so bad... to know that she degraded herself so much... it hurts so bad...

 

 

How am I supposed to feel???

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I don't know about "supposed" to feel. You feel what you feel.

 

But is the part that's tearing you up inside a feeling more of jealousy, or of sorrow for her that she hurt herself by demeaning herself? I know they must be mixed together, but I sense from your post that your pain is more for yourself. Which would be understandable in that she rejected you and lied to you and disrespected you.

 

But try to separate the disrespect of you -- which was due to her having a mental disorder, which sounds like a concrete case of pathological lying -- from the disrespect she had for herself. The former deserves some anger, but also some critical analysis of your own obliviousness to her instability. You ignored a lot of red flags for some reason, and that is something worth investigating in a clear-headed way, not one clouded with anger. The latter issue (her self-disrespect) is a matter for your compassion, because someone who is self-destructive is far more damaging to themselves than you. Knowing that should shift your focus a bit. So I would soften my heart to that, if I were you, if I could muster that.

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I was in a similar situation to you. My ex was as free spirited as yours...she took my virginity as well. I think when it's your first real relationship and all these "firsts" are happening, emotion and this ideal you create of what your relationship is like can take over and cause you to ignore or not even notice red flags. Chalk it up to being "new" to all of this and try to recognize those red flags next time. As for how she acted with other guys...that's 100% her problem now. You are free from all of it.

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For me is: i will never allow myself to go thru a breakup more than once with the same person. If she didn't want you for whatever reasons right from the beginning, it showed that she didn't have any heart to be in a relationship with you, or anyone else.

 

Be glad that you are rid of her. You have just saved yourself & your life from a lot of lies & trouble.

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The thing about red flags that sucks is that you can't learn to "recognize" them until, well, you've already seen them before. And it's really a lifetime process to identify things that you look out for in the future. It's also sobering that even if you have come to recognize THESE red flags, it doesn't mean you're immune to overlooking other ones you aren't that hip to. Even at 37, I missed some big ones, or rather, I chose to minimize them.

 

I think it's hard to make hard-and-fast rules, but overall, it's a good rule of thumb that if the first 6 months of a relationship feels like you're on a Tilt-O-Whirl or taking a whip through Magic Mountain, and each week seems to bring a new revelation that brings regurgitate up your esophagus...it's not going to end well. So that's a good tip for the future, that as much as you might think something would be worth saving, if it's making you feel that way, RUN, don't WALK, to the nearest exit.

 

But yeah, when you're that young you can't tell what's happening until hindsight. When I was composing my last post I didn't realize you were that young and this was your first relationship. But what I say still stands, to help deal with the emotions that are coming up. I find the best antidote for anger is to flip it around to feeling bad that they are in the fix they are. That way, I am not captive to feeling like a pawn.

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I would say that you are feeling badly because you feel cheated. You thought she was a certain kind of person and now you realize she is a completely different person. I don't think she understands that she degraded herself...she has major mental issues and I doubt very much if it really computes with her. I am sorry you had to learn the hard way and get so hurt. Be grateful it was only 7 months of your life. Over time you will be able to put this into perspective and it won't hurt as badly.

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I think it's hard to make hard-and-fast rules, but overall, it's a good rule of thumb that if the first 6 months of a relationship feels like you're on a Tilt-O-Whirl or taking a whip through Magic Mountain, and each week seems to bring a new revelation that brings regurgitate up your esophagus...it's not going to end well. So that's a good tip for the future, that as much as you might think something would be worth saving, if it's making you feel that way, RUN, don't WALK, to the nearest exit.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

Great advice.

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She sounds like a nut case, but, to be honest, whatever she did before she dated you (or since) is really her business, and she never had any obligation to share it with you. So she apparently got "freight-trained" or whatever ... why's it really matter now? Let it go.

 

(And before someone starts lecturing us all about multiple partners and STDs, it's reasonable and prudent to naturally assume that a new parner has had previous partners, so that's no more a factor in this case than it woud be in most any other.)

 

It does make me wonder whether she took 'em one at a time or all at once (and if so, how?). Just sayin'.

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I'd say you should feel relieved. Nothing about her sounds like a catch, so if anything she did you a favor.

 

agreed.

 

really, why wait until now to be tore up about all the lies she fed you?

 

in the future dump the ones who are this screwed up.

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(And before someone starts lecturing us all about multiple partners and STDs, it's reasonable and prudent to naturally assume that a new parner has had previous partners, so that's no more a factor in this case than it woud be in most any other.)

 

The "ick" factor is not about the prior experience..it is about actually having several men "lining up" to do the deed. Almost like she was sitting on a conveyer belt with her legs spread apart and as she came around to each man they had their opportunity to have a poke. Rather sleazy. I certainly would not want to be with any man who engaged in that kind of sexual behaviour, even in their past....their values just wouldn't mesh with mine.

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... I certainly would not want to be with any man who engaged in that kind of sexual behaviour, even in their past....their values just wouldn't mesh with mine.

Well, I think you'd get lots of agreement there. Thing is, he didn't know at the time, and he's only finding out now, post-breakup (assuming it's even true) ... so what practical difference does it really make?

 

Definitely something he needs to let go.

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OP, I don't get why this bothers you so much, as you only found out AFTER she left. Does this revelation about her past make you think that she might have cheated while you were with her? Or that you were a sucker who was lured into a relationship by someone who was casually having sex with lots of guys?

 

Everyone gets into relationships with people that are not great for them; sometimes they marry that person! This was a brief relationship and you have your whole dating life ahead of you. Think about the poor sap who ends up marrying this girl (though maybe she'll change her ways). I would treat this as a lesson learned, and now you know the warning signs, so if you see similar behavior (the lying and such) in the future, you know to hit the road.

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Shouldn't all of this just reinforce that the break up was a good decision? I strongly advise against you trying to get more 'closure' in the form of trying to uncover more lies. If she lied about one major thing that should be enough to realize she was not an honest person. To keep digging things up becomes gossip and maybe even heresay.

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She is likely only 19 or around that herself. I think a lot of young people (and OLD!) make mistakes in their lives and maybe one day she will regret the gang bang, maybe she won't. I don't think our judging her choices will change your thoughts or hurt feelings about the break up but this is something you need to let go. She broke up with you as you didn't share common values and that is a good thing! Better she did that then stay and be sexually unfulfilled. She obviously has a much higher libido than you and judging what she did before you were together when you are not even TOGETHER anymore is a useless activity.

 

I am sure she is not the first young woman to have engaged in this kind of activity. It happens, just chalk it up to she wasn't the right girl for you.

 

If you were still with her i'd say these past revelations would be enough to rethink being with her since it sounds like incompatiblity, but you are broken up. Her past is no longer relevant.

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that's what I thought... but I'm still hurt. I don't know why... she was my first relationship... she took my virginity.

 

I honestly don't blame you for feeling this way. you cared about her, invested time into a relationship .. and to suddenly find out that your ex was gang banged by 3 guys ... I would be hurt and upset as well.

 

But, like Skyfire said, you dodged a bullet with this one.

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I don't really see the big deal about it. I'm fairly liberal though, so I don't necessarily make a connection between someone's morals and their sexual experiences as long as they're done safely and responsibly. I personally wouldn't mind hearing that my girlfriend participated in something like that. It's not always "demeaning" to the girl, in fact it's often the exact opposite. The woman's pleasure ends up being the center of the guys' attention and focus, rather than just being used as a tool to get the guys off. Don't even get me started on the double standard that would have a man applauded for having a foursome with three girls.

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As time goes a long, you will care less about her, and what she did. Put it behind you. If you were still with her and heard this news, I can see being upset. Take it as validation that you did the right thing in not staying with her.

 

Its been over 20 years since I lost my virginity. I couldnt remember the ordeal with a gun to my head. One day you wont either.

 

Good luck

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