I overreacted and blew it. He probably thinks I'm crazy.

[jen83]

I've come to the realization that I'm somewhat screwed after my last relationship. I'm over it, but it seems to have left me suspicious and quick to jump to false conclusions--and even worse, act on them. Long story short, I overreacted with the guy I was dating. He grew distant with me for nearly a week after talking almost every day for months. He didn't give me an explanation--it turns out he'd had some stressful personal issue going on, but I didn't know that. Instead of asking him about it though, I let all this suspicion build up and decided, quite prematurely, that he wasn't interested, had some other girl or whatever and had ditched me--after 5 days. I cut contact with him and became cold when he returned.

 

The past several weeks, we've been in contact, but things between us are obviously stressed. We haven't seen each other in that time, but we talk every few days. Yesterday, he logged on AIM and we talked for *six* hours straight. He wanted to ask me all these questions, about my life, what I was looking for, about my past relationships, what happened in them, what I was afraid of. And...I told him. I told him everything, every detail. I later mentioned that he probably hadn't wanted to hear all that about my exes and he said that he did, that it helped him to understand(he probed about it, I didn't just start talking about them for no reason). I told him about my aforementioned suspicion and I apologized to him. He told me he'd felt like I'd written him off too quickly and that when I did that he felt like I wasn't interested in getting to know him any more. He told me he was quitting the dating site we met on, because he didn't like the whole idea of it and said "I met you and I can't even keep up with that. what's the point of meeting people if I just piss them off". It turns out he'd not been seeing any one else. He told me about his personal issue that'd caused his initial withdrawl from me(which has since been resolved), it had something to do with his most recent relationship. I asked if I could ask him some questions and he just responds with "please. I wish you would ask more." I asked him about that most recent relationship--I know it had screwed him up pretty badly too. He told me that I need to be more assertive about what I want. He said he wished he'd met me on the street or in a coffee shop instead of on that site because it came with all these weird preconceptions.

 

Finally, I asked him what it was he was looking for and he said he didn't know exactly. I asked him if he saw me as a friend only and he responds that he doesn't sleep with friends, he's not like that. That he wasn't ready to go pick out curtains with me or anything, but that he wanted to continue to get to know me and he thought I was awesome. I told him that a big part of my suspicision was that I regretted the descision to sleep with him without having any sort of talk about it, how I, personally, wasn't comfortable with sleeping with multiple people and that I'd been bothered not knowing his opinion on that(as in, knowing whether or not he was out sleeping with other people, because I hadn't been). He said that that too bothered him. Finally, he knows that I'm talking to a few other guys right now(I hadn't been, but after the "issue" a few weeks ago, I began). He said that I should continue dating because he wasn't sure what he was looking for and he didn't want to hold me back, but that he wanted to continue to see me too and that he didn't want this to fall into the "friend zone" between us. He said that we didn't have to have sex, if I felt that complicated things but that he still wanted to see me and that he wasn't sure what the future held but that he wanted to remain in contact with me reguardless and that he didn't want to pressure me. But he wanted to mention that he did find me very attractive and very sexy, but that wasn't what it was about.

 

So here I feel like I've screwed everything up. He probably thinks I'm crazy and neurotic now, which is probably right. If I'd only given it time instead of freaking out and blowing it up out of porportion, it probably would have been fine. The comments about me dating other people--I don't know if that's a send off or if he's trying to give me his blessing because he knows I'm talking to people. Honestly, I like him. I don't really want anyone else. I only started talking to other people because I thought he wasn't interested and I was trying to replace him to make myself feel better about it. I guess I can only wait and see if he actually wants to hang out with me and how that goes because as it stands, we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks. Do I just back off now and see what comes? It doesn't sound good, does it? Half of all that makes me think he does like me, but the whole "you should date other guys" makes me think not. Surely someone who really liked me wouldn't want me to see other guys? I have a bad feeling about it. I messed it up by being crazy. ugh.

[90_hour_sleep]

sure...you were crazy...but at least you were honest about why you acted the way you did. no one can possibly find fault in you if you're willing take responsibility for your actions. you've both had some time to let emotions subside...might be worthwhile to contact him...and just let him know that you'd like to give it another shot. the air's already been cleared...if you're both willing to move past that...you could have some fun together. if either of you can't get past that...might be better just to remain friends.

 

just my two cents.

[Maya_A]

You don't want to make the same "mistake" in overreacting again re. anything he says. Why not just pluck out the positive & go with that?

 

In other words, he said you are awesome & he would like to continue getting to know you. He also said he did not want you both to fall into the friend zone. So yes, it seems he is interested in dating you & likes you in that way.

 

Honestly, if he'd said he preferred you to stop dating immediately, to me it would have come off as premature with a controlling energy to it... You are just starting something & if you decide that you want to date others then what can he do at this stage. However, you mention you do not really want to date other but only did that because you misunderstood his former actions...

 

So why not just tell him you find online dating a little strange as well, that you don't feel a connection with the others & have withdrawn yourself. End of story.

 

But the bottom line here is not to always focus on negative assumptions or fearful thinking... That can destroy a budding relationship. Remember all of the positive things he said & says... There were some nice things & he took the time to talk with you a very long while & find out about you more deeply. He was also interested in your asking more about him & sharing on that level. That says very much. It is pretty clear to me that he likes you as more than a friend.

 

Just go with that energy, stay positive, & take it one step at a time...

[d24]

people may not agree with this, but it's my take on the whole thing:

you have messed up pretty bad - to the point that he doesn't want to actively fight for you. If there was a girl I was seeing and she was seeing other guys - maybe I'm old fashioned, but I would not be alright with that. I know it goes on a lot, but if I'm trying to get to know someone I don't want to know that Joe Bloggs down the street is trying to get to know you too. And that you're being receptive. Who actually wants to know you're still talking to other guys? Seriously? It just sounds like you're trying to create competition for your affections and it's really sad. No. Not for me.

 

The sex thing kinda makes it obvious he's lost some sort of respect for you:

but that he wanted to continue to see me too and that he didn't want this to fall into the "friend zone" between us. He said that we didn't have to have sex, if I felt that complicated things but that he still wanted to see me

i'm sorry, but if he's suggesting that he'd be ok seeing you and would be open to the idea of sex whilst you're talking to other guys.... awww porr you.

Looks like you have a potential FWB situation though?

[jen83]

So what should I do now? Just wait it out and actually see if he wants to hang out sometime? Should I go back to the way things were, minus the new stipluations, and not mention that talk again? As in, try to get back to normal?

 

Honestly, my first reaction is to feel shamed and want to withdraw, but that's what got me here to begin with. So should I contact him, wait for him? Should I continue seeing this other person--honestly I've only met him in person a week ago.

 

And I still don't know how to fix the horrible poisonous thoughts that creep in so readily, assuming the worst in every situation. That *is* a new development, I haven't always been like that.

[Ariel85]

What a bummer! I have sabotaged many a relationship, so I get where you are coming from.

 

Thing is, from my experience, when you pull something like this before a guy is really invested in you, he's going to walk. He's going to view you as pure drama, or purely damaged.

 

Either way, this one sounds like a nice guy, but it also sounds like he's moving on.

 

I would really learn from this, Jen. If the depth of your remorse is great enough, then you will do the work to stop this pattern.

 

And I wouldn't date anyone right now, if I were you.