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my head, edited version


della91
I Just Wanna Feel Loved
I Just Wanna Feel Loved

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What to do

Better yet, what am I doing.

 

I think I have realised something. I don’t want to die, therefore I am at no risk off mortally wounding myself. But. I want pain, lots of it. Physical pain. I want blood and a high. I need that high. I feel so good after, after that I feel like crap but that's not the point. Now the question why... well I wish I had a straight answer- it’s more a build up more than anything else. Hmmmm. Should I list them or just keep writing in s stream of consciousness? Well I’ll keep typing it saves the need for dot points (ok I know I’m stalling).

 

Start with the easy or the hard? I’m scared of a few things. Judgement? Maybe, that's it. You do realise it’s kinda degrading not being able to keep yourself safe, and especially those parts of your body safe. To be forced to do things I physically cannot say. Then to let it happen again and again, what is wrong with me. To know the first time I fought, but to know when it was happening again- I gave up cause I wasn’t worth it? Seriously why didn’t I feel like I was worth it?! Ahhhhh fcuk! To be too scared to bloody fight. Maybe me giving up was a sign that I wanted it,,, hahaha that's what he told me, must be true aye? Then again I tell myself physically it hurt -that was the reason why I didn’t fight, fight for my dignity. Instead what am I? An incest case, disgusting. Rape victim (maybe) survivor? (doesn't feel like it). Pathetic individual that is unable to pull her life together? Tick! I should’ve killed myself when I had a good reason, now it is just pathetic.

 

Betrayed, wow yes. God I could shoot myself in the foot multiple times and still feel great about life. . . how could I let this happen. My god. And then I get punished, how is this fair. And not to mention... he has his life together. Able to smile, at me- like he won, I suppose he did. I let him didn’t I. Was that all I was? A game something to play with? I suppose so. And for him to physically touch me again, I suppose I deserved it. I am a horrible person. Ha sometimes I wish I could walk up to him with his family, completely nude and say “here I am, did you want more then sex- or in the mood for anal today or is missionary sufficient?” (this is me restraining myself from punching something). Not to mention I cannot even give my boyfriend a blowjob. I could “give” them to ***** (funny funny story), but not to the guy that I’m meant to love? What the hell is wrong with me. There is something wrong with me right? It would make me feel better if there was a label that I could put all these feelings under (you know... like crazy or something).

 

Angry? * * * * YES! But brave... no. Scared * * * * less of doing something about that anger that isn’t directed inwards. Why, it’s not like I would unleash some beast, more the pathetic 8 year old within- that would what... cry. Nah it’s not that- it’s more like cry for a week. Let it, no. Him take over me completely again- he still seems to have a grip on me but at least I’m fighting back. If I told he would have me again, I don’t want to get stuck with him again. I don’t know if I can pull myself out of this again.

 

I just want to give up sometimes you know, coz it’s simpler for me. But I know it’ll just screw everyone else up. And even if I’m dead I don’t want to be responsible for the pain that it’ll cause. It hurts my head to think about it. I just wish there was a simple answer, but I know that’s asking too much. Sorry this is just me ranting... getting myself angry... what for? Probably just so I can take it out on myself again, and again and again. Until I really do something stupid. But here I am trying to let go of my safety blanket. Harder said than done.

 

Anyway, I suppose I thought I would let you into my head for a while. Thanks for reading and sorry if it didn’t make much sense but hopefully you can understand a bit better, I’ll talk to you when I get back from retreat. Hopefully more spiritually connected to the world or whatever crap they want out of us. You know I don’t think I want to hurt myself tonight. So my arm thanks you, as well as the rest of me I suppose. Thanks it’s good to have someone there, even if it’s your job.

 

D

 

(a letter i wrote to my councillor, just thought i'd post it up, i feel a bit more free after writing it... so yeah- life is ok)

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