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I'm not very ladylike, is that bad?


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I've noticed that I'm not very ladylike. I don't dress up really much, mainly because it's really casual at my work. We can wear jeans and stuff, unless we have client meetings. My friends who I fence with and/or play WoW with, even they are not very dressy up. Most of the women are very tomboyish, dress up in ratty pants, jeans, no makeup, etc. Some of them (guys and girls) are kind of hippie like too (aka no deordorant or perfume). I can't do that though.

 

I do color and highlight my hair, which I am also leaving semi-long and that's about it. I don't wear makeup or a lot of jewelry (a ring or two and a bracelet). I dress low-key even on the weekends, mostly jeans, t-shirt. I think I have given up on dressing womanly because of the crowd I hang with.

 

I hope the way I am (dressing low-key and kind of ultra-casual, even frumpy), is not going to deter guys from being attracted to me.

 

BTW, I've given up on "P". Right now, I believe, all he likes me as is a friend. I'm fine with that and am not going to look for more.

 

I do want to find a bf whether it is in the SCA or elsewhere.

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Depends - I think that if you wear clothes that make you feel good and look good, then the style can work.

 

I like to look good for me, I must say - so I wear good make-up, perfume, nice hair, even if I am 'casual'. I do feel more flirty when I feel I look 'feminine', although that doesn't mean ladylike. Hmmmm.

 

I dunno what men like though. If i were crude, I would say that the ones I've found have all liked nice eyes, long hair, and boobs

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HP, I agree with you, I don't know what guys like. I'm comfuzzled. Guys don't really seem attracted to me either way. Funny thing is the girls in my group who dress frumpy (no perfume or deodorant) and dress down, they seem to attract guys. I don't and not sure why.

 

People tell me guys like long hair, so I grew out my hair. I'm not into dressing up because my work isn't like that and there are no avail guys to attract there. I wear makeup on RARE occasions. Most of the time I dress frumpy. Maybe it's because I feel old around my coworkers and around my friends.

 

Besides "P", I am not sure who else I am attracted to. I'm not sure what kind of a guy I want anymore. Maybe someone older who can understand me and take care of me emotionally instead of me always finding guys that I want to take care of.

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Maybe you should try to make yourself feel cute tomorrow at work, just for *you*. Even if it's only a nice top and a lip gloss, something subtle. I think you need to get used to seeing yourself as a gorgeous, desirable, attractive woman - if you're not seeing yourself like that, then maybe it's hard for others?

 

Sorry, not much help am I, lol. I always feel I look good in red lipstick, which is easy enough to wear. Oh, and I *always* wear expensive perfume, it's my one vice. I love it!

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Depends - I think that if you wear clothes that make you feel good and look good, then the style can work.

 

I like to look good for me, I must say - so I wear good make-up, perfume, nice hair, even if I am 'casual'. I do feel more flirty when I feel I look 'feminine', although that doesn't mean ladylike. Hmmmm.

 

I dunno what men like though. If i were crude, I would say that the ones I've found have all liked nice eyes, long hair, and boobs

 

I don't think you're being crude. A bit general perhaps in your asessment, but not inaccurately so.

 

If you're comfortable with your style and well kempt then I don't see any reason why men wouldn't find it attractive.

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i was raised by my dad, and grew up with my brother. no real contact with a female presence. as a result i am not ladylike at all. dont wear makeup, dont dress up, fix the sink, carry heavy stuff kinda gal.

because of this guys who like girly girls will never like me or see me romantically.

But none of that matters because eventually someone came along to not only tolerate but profoundly enjoy these parts of me, and he tells me often.

 

it was worth the wait. because he really does seem to love me for who i am and appreciate the rarity of it.

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I don't think you're being crude. A bit general perhaps in your asessment, but not inaccurately so.

 

If you're comfortable with your style and well kempt then I don't see any reason why men wouldn't find it attractive.

 

Haha - yeah, it was a bit general, wasn't it? I just have found that those are the three things that generally work for me, lol. Looks-wise, I mean.

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I'm just like you, and often wonder the same thing!

 

There are days when I really want to make the extra effort, or try to wear something a little more "dressy" (to me, that's just a cute skirt and a pretty top) and for some reason, I just feel like I'm not happily chilling out the way I feel comfortable. I have had SO many girlfriends tell me that I should put more effort into my clothes, and especially makeup (I have this one friend that just WON'T STOP about the damn red lipstick or lip gloss schtick), and I often wonder if I'd be dressing for them, or for the guys. On the days that I've dressed a little more with feminine flair, I get the sense that I'm not quite as invisible as when I'm wearing my ratty old hoodie (my favorite) and sweats, but it's not like I feel I'm turning heads either. And I'm not really sure I want to be having guys gawk at me on a regular basis....I guess I just feel like to achieve that look on an ordinary day, you'd have to REALLY do yourself up noticeably with makeup and heels, and tight skirts. And I'm just not sporting that look, ever.

 

I do like to use makeup and dress up for nights out on occasion, because I enjoy feeling like I'm morphing a bit. Sort of like the Clark Kent thing during the day, I suppose. And so it's more dramatic when I DO switch things up.

 

I think I could really dig your crowd. Some of my favorite wardrobe items, on the tomboy side are army fatigues, old concert t-shirts, and do-rags. On the more pretty hippie side, I like long flowy, freespirited broom skirts and midriff-showing tank tops with a pendant, a bracelet and a ring or two. I'm more likely to wear a touch of lipgloss (very light) with the latter type of outfit, but I actually find that my facial coloring doesn't require it.

 

I'm so low maintenance, it's almost appalling. And like you, I wonder where the line for guys is -- where "casual and comfy and approachable" crosses over into "frumpy."

 

I do know that when I was doing internet dating, and found the guy who is now my ex, I realized just how indicative dress styles speak about a person. He presented himself in his profile with a suit and tie. I wasn't into that, but there were other things to recommend him, so it was a go. But as it turned out, there was much slickness and emphasis on a kind of polish that I realized was out-of-kilter with me. His look made me feel like I had to work really hard somehow, and put more energy into things I don't think are that important. Of course, I like to wear nice things and feel pretty, but it started to feel like I had to present myself a certain way, instead of just doing it when the mood strikes, as I normally am. It cramped my style more than I'd ever imagined it would. So it's interesting how if you change your look, you'll change the people you attract, and so is that what you really are after, is the question?

 

If I ever went back to internet date sites, I'd pretty much pass by any guy who isn't wearing a t-shirt (who looks neat and clean though) in his main shot, because I know I can be very much myself with that look.

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people treat people who look nicer/more put together nicer... i notice that a lot. when i'm dressy and put an effort into looking nice, guys are nicer to me, girls arent as mean, etc. when i'm frumpy, i feel like everyone sorts of look down on me.

 

it could just be my own insecurities though. i personally feel better when i'm dressed up, so that's how i will try to be unless i'm really really busy/tired.

 

 

 

i'm sure guys would like you as you are, rather than you with your clothes. most guys don't like girls who are too high maintenance but guys do like it when girls are being a little girly. i mean you're a girl, have fun with it! but don't force yourself to be someone you're not.

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Wear what makes you feel comfortable.

 

But it's nice to make an effort to look nice. I wear perfume, nice clothes and make up; but I do that for myself and no one else. Do what YOU want, who cares what others think.

 

I feel cruddy if I don't make an effort. As for not wearing anti de-oderant, gross!

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I'm so low maintenance, it's almost appalling. And like you, I wonder where the line for guys is -- where "casual and comfy and approachable" crosses over into "frumpy."

 

If your hair, nails, and clothes are not well maintained you have entered the "frumpy" category, imo. I personally don't think that style enters into it that much. Like pd pointed out, too much attention to detail can give the impression of high maintenance, though. Which for some guys is a good thing, I not being one of them.

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people treat people who look nicer/more put together nicer... i notice that a lot. when i'm dressy and put an effort into looking nice, guys are nicer to me, girls arent as mean, etc. when i'm frumpy, i feel like everyone sorts of look down on me.

 

it could just be my own insecurities though. i personally feel better when i'm dressed up, so that's how i will try to be unless i'm really really busy/tired.

 

 

 

i'm sure guys would like you as you are, rather than you with your clothes. most guys don't like girls who are too high maintenance but guys do like it when girls are being a little girly. i mean you're a girl, have fun with it! but don't force yourself to be someone you're not.

 

I agree with that statement.

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people treat people who look nicer/more put together nicer... i notice that a lot. when i'm dressy and put an effort into looking nice, guys are nicer to me, girls arent as mean, etc. when i'm frumpy, i feel like everyone sorts of look down on me.

 

it could just be my own insecurities though. i personally feel better when i'm dressed up, so that's how i will try to be unless i'm really really busy/tired.

 

 

.

 

It isn't just your insecurities. Like it or not the better a person looks the better they are treated by other people. Many studies have been conducted on this sort of thing. I know that I get treated better by men and women when i go the extra mile on my appearance vs when my hair is in a ponytail with my gym sweats on ...

 

And attractive people always seem to get a better seat in life, so there is some benefit of course to making oneself look as nice as they can. Of course you DONT HAVE TO if you don't feel like it but attractiveness does get more reward than non attractiveness. And of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder but it is a given that any particular person will get treated a bit better when looking his or her very best than when she or he looks his or her very worst.

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Funny thing is the girls in my group who dress frumpy (no perfume or deodorant) and dress down, they seem to attract guys. I don't and not sure why.

 

This has happened to me a few times. When I was LEAST trying, with my clothes.

 

I find the most important single thing in getting a guy to look twice at you is to talk to him with your eyes sparkling. To be sparkling and genuinely fired up about what you (and especially he! haha) are talking about.

 

I've felt a "vibe" from guys in those situations even when I was wearing a shirt that was two sizes too big for me.

 

As for the deodorant, yeah, that's kind of important to me (for myself, I don't need a guy to wear it). But fyi, the aluminum in antiperspirant is linked to breast cancer, so a few prominent studies show now. I know that's going off-topic, but just to slip that in. So sweat stains aren't cool, but....that's my one fashion battle right now.

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i was raised by my dad, and grew up with my brother. no real contact with a female presence. as a result i am not ladylike at all. dont wear makeup, dont dress up, fix the sink, carry heavy stuff kinda gal.

because of this guys who like girly girls will never like me or see me romantically.

But none of that matters because eventually someone came along to not only tolerate but profoundly enjoy these parts of me, and he tells me often.

 

it was worth the wait. because he really does seem to love me for who i am and appreciate the rarity of it.

 

EQD, you found a nice guy. You're lucky. I tend to meet guys I end up "rescuing". Only once have I found a guy who wanted to take care of me. But that didn't last .

 

I'm not in a hurry to find someone right now. I'm not pursuing "P", and other than him, I don't have any prospects on the horizon.

 

I worry if I am attractive or not, hence am I really dressing too frumpy? Sometimes I don't feel happy wiht myself.

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If your hair, nails, and clothes are not well maintained you have entered the "frumpy" category, imo. I personally don't think that style enters into it that much. Like pd pointed out, too much attention to detail can give the impression of high maintenance, though. Which for some guys is a good thing, I not being one of them.

 

Thanks for this...so then, if I wash and brush my hair so that it doesn't look like a rat's nest, and my nails are clean (but not with polish on them), would that work? What do you mean by clothes being well-maintained? No stains, holes, wrinkles? Or do they also have to be really form-fitting?

 

My parents used to get on my case about wearing baggy stuff. I love pull overs that are floppy, and I don't like wearing tight pants.

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EQD, you found a nice guy. You're lucky. I tend to meet guys I end up "rescuing". Only once have I found a guy who wanted to take care of me. But that didn't last .

 

I'm not in a hurry to find someone right now. I'm not pursuing "P", and other than him, I don't have any prospects on the horizon.

 

I worry if I am attractive or not, hence am I really dressing too frumpy? Sometimes I don't feel happy wiht myself.

 

why arent you pursuing p?

and trust me, i've been turned down many many many... MANY times.

i've dated terrible guys.. i repeat.. terrible. It doesnt matter what you look like, what you wear, or how tall you are, when it comes down to it, you will get only what you think you deserve.

 

The only reason i wasted my time with so many losers was because i thought i could put up with it, truth is that isnt the way you should feel about romantic interests. when i found that out i went through a long period of being with absolutely no one, and turning down people who i knew would just disappoint me. You cant find mr. right if you keep wasting time with mr. wrong.

 

And i'm certainly not looking into the future on my current situation, he could be a guy who values me, then again we could always breakup because he really doesnt like who i am. For now i'll just go with what he tells me.

The future is uncertain, but you can use that fact to your advantage. Its usually the punch you dont see coming that knocks you out.

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This has happened to me a few times. When I was LEAST trying, with my clothes.

 

I find the most important single thing in getting a guy to look twice at you is to talk to him with your eyes sparkling. To be sparkling and genuinely fired up about what you (and especially he! haha) is talking about.

 

I've felt a "vibe" from guys in those situations even when I was wearing a shirt that was two sizes too big for me.

 

As for the deodorant, yeah, that's kind of important to me (for myself, I don't need a guy to wear it). But fyi, the aluminum in antiperspirant is linked to breast cancer, so a few prominent studies show now. I know that's going off-topic, but just to slip that in. So sweat stains aren't cool, but....that's my one fashion battle right now.

 

If the person is already attractive to begin with, or at a minimum attractive to the person who hits on her, then it won't matter as much if she is in sweats, jeans, dressed down, etc.

 

I think what occurred is you just so happened to run into guys who found you attractive who would have also been very responsive to you had you also been dressed up that day as well, you just happened to be dressed down but they were still attracted.

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TOV, I think you really would dig my crowd and fit in. They are so laid back and very casual in dressing and actually accepting of people.

 

I actually do get stared at a lot when I am out because of my height. That seems to attract the most attention, which is not always good. I think that might be the reason why I don't dress up, because I don't want people staring at me, when I already get stared at for my height. It's a hard line to distinguish.

 

I have noticed when I dress up in flowy skirts and a nice top, I do get looks, but no one ever asks me out.

 

It's hard out here because most of the people in my building, around where I live and hang out, they all seem to dress up, even when just going to the coffee shop. Aside from my SCA friends, most people around here dress up and wear makeup when going out, so it kind of puts me at a disadvantage.

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another note: if you wear something that makes you feel confident or sexy, even if the general public cant see it (ex: sexy underware) it can have a positive effect on your self-esteem and confidence, you might find that it will help you be more open and social in some situations you would normally be bashful in.

women do this on first dates alot for a confidence boost.

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