A Valid Question about NC..Share your Experiences

[Just Me85]

Okay, so heres another NC thread but with a twist.

 

I know my mind is playing tricks with me (currently on Day 9) and Ive started to question myself.

 

The question that popped into my head and wont go away is:

 

A lot of people go through NC usually to heal but sometimes in the hope they will come back. Dont deny it, Im guilty of this too! What if the ex partner is also "staying strong" and sticking to NC in the hope you will contact them? Could an opportunity of reconciliation be missed out on because both parties are just too stubborn?

 

I get urges to contact him but I have stayed strong because:

 

1) Im not sure what i could say to him without raking up past hurt

2) A lot of people on here who are healing post about being angry that the ex has broken NC and this is the last thing I would want.

 

I feel weak and tempted to contact because:

 

1) What if he maybe wants me to try harder and is pushing me away to test my love?

2) I get this nagging feeling he wants something from me but not sure what.

3) I want him back.

4) I dont want him to think Ive moved on so easily because that would reinforce his beliefs that i didnt love him (which I did wholeheartedly)

 

 

So...do you think it is possible that two people that are meant to be together could end up missing out by being stubborn? Do you think this has ever happened to you?

 

Obviously im not going to break my NC but Im truly interested in your experiences.

[ironfreak247]

Yeah, I know what u mean by hoping they'll come back if you go NC. With my ex, we had been a big fight. A couple days after I decided to go NC with her and I told her about it. It seemed to hit her harder than I thought it would, but she decided to go along with it. About two weeks later, I gave in and contacted her again. After a few things were said, I ended up at her place that night to "talk things over" at her suggestion. We ended up sleeping together, but afterwards we started discussing things. Things were said that actually made everything worse. I pushed her away even further. Now I think if that night had never happened, we may have been able to reconcile...maybe even doing it right now. But now even more exchanges have happened regarding that night and now she's told me to move on and that she'll never feel the same about me again. She's even started seeing an ex of hers again.

 

NC was definitely the best route in my case. I should have never broken it and just had more patience. Maybe all hope is not lost yet; maybe we'll find each other again down the road. But only time will tell that tale. I'm now on day 2 of NC again. This time, I think it'll be for a long while.

[Raoul]

If you're thinking about these things, he probably is too.

 

Its unclear why you went to NC. But I would keep the faith in it a while longer.

 

Each day that you work on you to become better, stronger and more clear on what it is that you want without the noise of the relationship confusing things, the better off you are. If/when he reaches, you can be more forthright on things.

 

Best,

Raoul

[Sweet Venus]

Hi Just me. I think you pose a very valid question. One most people in NC go through, but I think much of it is not really logical. During a breakup it is very normal to

romanticize the relationship as it USED to be, and not as it actually is. This always

tends to bring on the "rose tinted glasses" phase of the breakup, and people tend to

FORGET why they are indeed broken up.

 

So when you begin to question yourself.....with things like "maybe he/she WANTS me to call him and is playing hard to get". Just remember...if they WANT to talk to you that badly they will FIND a reason to reach out just like you can. A breakup causes broken hearts....not broken dialing fingers.

 

I always think the dumper should be the one to reach out first, simply because it feels

more right..and it almost evens the "playing field'. So to speak. A dumpee chasing after the dumper almost ALWAYS inevitably ends badly simply because it throws things OFF kilter. I have YET to see a dumpee say they feel 100% confident that the dumper

will be happy to hear from them, or that they feel in their heart it's the right thing to do.

Because they KNOW in their hearts if the dumper wants them back, they would make the effort.

 

If the break up is mutual, I think there is more chance of a reconciliation but it depends

on how much has changed SINCE the breakup. I'm no relationship guru, but I know

change doesn't happen overnight.I think in THIS case though it doesn't really matter WHO reaches out first as long as it's done at the right TIME.

 

Either way NC has to be done for you, and only YOU regardless if your EX is being "stubborn' or not.

[Just Me85]

Venus I completely understand what you are saying. The past couple of weeks I have read so many books, websites and forums all advising the same thing.

 

I understand I need to do this for me and I understand the rose tinted glasses phase. The reason I question it is deep down although I find it hard to admit, I really really want him back and find it hard to make sense of things.

 

The breakup in question was very messy and there is broken trust and anger on his part. However the relationship itself lasted over a year of which I have been totally devoted and so in love and I knew he felt the same.

 

I question it because Im constantly fighting the urge to contact him and simply wonder whether he is doing the same or whether he is truly happy to move on.

 

Im genuinely also interested to know how other people have dealt with this. I agree with friends that say if your ex partner really loves you they will reach out, but what if all their friends are telling them the same thing..?

[Sweet Venus]

Well it would be great to know if the EX wants to contact you..but none of us are mind readers. But even if they are thinking it, and not acting on it, it simply means it's not enough for them to DO it. Action speaks louder than words, we all know that. Even if your ex DID reach out, but did nothing after

that, you would likely feel worse. Maybe he will call you when he's feeling lonely, but still not want to et back together...on some level it would probably set you back and make you feel mislead. Sometimes a dumper

not reaching out IS the most thoughtful thing they CAN do, in the long run.

[Aeryn]

I'm on Day 11 of NC. To be honest, I'm feelings a lot better about things. I have my moments where I feel angry and/or sad, but overall I'm doing well.

 

Truthfully, I think if you and your ex had any real, genuine connection and feelings for one another, then they are thinking the same thing as you. They probably don't want to break NC too soon for many reasons...they may feel that it would add to their guilt; or that it would make them look like the weak one in the situation, when they want to remain the strong one.

 

Seriously though. If you're a dumpee, I firmly believe that the dumper should be the first to initiate contact. They were the ones that left because they wanted their freedom, they wanted to be with another man/woman, or whatever.

 

What is you contacting them going to accomplish? Nothing! They're just going to see that you are still the weak one in the situation, and they'll have a good ol' laugh about it.

 

Don't fret too much. If you meant anything at all to the dumper, then they will eventually contact you. It may be in two days, it may be in two years. However, if they never contact you again, then that's how you'll know that they were just pathetic and weren't the right one for you.

 

Also, like Sweet Venus said, they may end up calling you and it not being what you want (reconciliation). I've already played this out in my head...if my ex ever tries contacting me, I will casually answer and ask him what he wants. If he's just calling to "check up" or "chat for a few" then I will tell him goodbye...because I told him when we broke up not to contact me unless he wanted to try and work things out. I will not be a friend or a phone buddy to him. At all. Ever.

[bravebird]

Day 8 for me. I'm going through the same thing and yes, I not-so-secretly want to reconcile. I have to fight the urge to contact him everyday. Some part of me just longs to have that final break up talk if things can't be worked out. I think NC is best because it gives me control of time. I can decide to break it when I feel like I can reach out to him without bringing up the relationship or without wearing my emotions on my sleeve.

[device04]

I am in Day 19, I think, but whatever, it's been more than a few days that's all I know. It's hard, no doubt about it. I've unfriended her on Facebook, deleted her from cha accounts, taken emails and photos away so I can't look at them, done all the things to take her out of my life and focus on me. Nevertheless, I think about her a lot, too much probably, and have had a hard time moving on. She said a lot of things while we were together about how she wanted to be with me forever, how much she loved me and all these things that made it sound like she would never leave. I, on the other hand, tried to remain within reason and not make grand statements but was definitely emotionally roped in by her. And then she goes and breaks up with me just as quickly. I've found it hard to understand the sudden turnaround.

 

However, I believe what previous posters have said is true. We are the dumpee for a reason, better or worse, right or wrong. Us going back to the dumper is not going to remarkably change their mind about what has happened/why they did what they did. So why give up your power, your sense of self? Stay NC, and commit to your own well being. I truly believe that as the dumper, if they truly come to regret the breakup or miss you enough, they will get in touch. They made the decision to create the current circumstances, not you. In the meantime, forget them! Why continue to worry about someone who decided you weren't good enough for them? Trust me, I know how hard it truly is to come to this realization, but let's keep working to get there.

 

Good luck everyone!

[brazilgirl21]

I know he is stubborn too or rather is very disciplined or perhaps its too emotional... or maybe he is just feeling relieved.. could be all or none of the above why I haven't heard from him. In the grand scheme of time a month or two won't make much difference in not connecting.

 

I feel exactly this way about my ex... plus the fact that the girl he is now dating is really jealous of me.

 

However, I still feel like he should at LEAST send me a text or an e-mail to check if I'm ok... I don't know, I just wish they showed they cared at least a little you know?

[bravebird]

I feel exactly this way about my ex... plus the fact that the girl he is now dating is really jealous of me.

 

However, I still feel like he should at LEAST send me a text or an e-mail to check if I'm ok... I don't know, I just wish they showed they cared at least a little you know?

 

do you think some dumpers can just disappear and never talk to you again??

[brazilgirl21]

for sure. I think that's going to be the case with me if I never reach out to my ex again.

[Just Me85]

I hope not

 

I just want him back. I cant work out who is the dumper or dumpee because my actions caused him hurt and he just flipped out and said he never wanted to see me again...so Im guessing that makes him the dumper?

 

I just dont know!

 

He already reached out to me 9 days ago when he turned up at my house. I thought he had come to talk but it soon turned bitter and he got angry and upset and stormed off again.

 

I feel I should leave him alone, should I be the next person to reach out?

 

Im not ready yet but is it me supposed to make the next move?

[philove]

I feel I should leave him alone, should I be the next person to reach out?

 

Im not ready yet but is it me supposed to make the next move?

 

I think you should ask yourself this question in a month or more of NC.

[Raoul]

I chose NC (limited really because of our 3 children) in October, after she admitted an affair she wouldn't give up. She tried to live in our home and have all this going on. It was just her way of trying to have it all with no consequenses. That cannot work.

 

And so, she moved out, got mean and is now using the divorce to get back at me, which will work. Divorce means alimony and will have me sell the house our children were born in and live in now. No matter to her.

 

NC/LC helps me to deal with the craziness. She's not coming back and she will have plenty of resources to live a carefree life once we're 'done'.

 

Sure, I hope that she misses me and what we had. But NC is for me and our children more than it is hoping she comes back ( I do hope though). Nothing else makes sense. I could not 'leave my tongue in the electrical socket'. She could not have it all. And so, I'm trying to move ahead without her, despite the pain.

 

At this point, I'm in love with my memories, not the woman I married. So NC it is, unless she 'reaches out' and wants to discuss this.

 

Best,

Raoul