So confused!!! need opinions

[Lostgrl]

I have been reading this site for a while and debated on writing or not. However, I figured other peoples opinions especially guys wouldn’t hurt. I will try to sum it up as short as possible….

 

Me and my boyfriend started going out July of 2007. Everything of course was perfect the first few months then we started to argue a lot in which since there was so much stuff going on his life (he cant handle to many issues at once) he wanted a ‘break.’ I don’t believe in breaks but I gave it to him which was hard because at the time, he worked at my house so I saw him everyday still. The break lasted maybe a month / month & a ½. (in which after we started talking again he asked ‘why didn’t u ever come in the back and say hi to me?’ meanwhile this is the same guy who said he needed space and time, so confusing!) So we got back together and once again, first few months everything was good then the arguing started again. A lot was going on in my life which caused me to always be stressed out so yes I will admit, I was difficult at times but trust me, so was he. (he is extremely childish/immature) So moving on, we break up in August 2008. My version of the break up was that he did it over myspace by changing his profile to ‘single.’ His version was that the last argument, when I said ‘I am done with this’ he said he took it as meaning our relationship when in reality I was talking about the argument/situation. (I didn’t find that out until months after) so I try talking to him, nothing. He didn’t work at my house anymore so I didn’t have to see him but then he started going out to clubs every weekend (which he is not a club person) and then posting pictures all over his myspace. So come middle of October, I decide to write him on myspace. So we talk back and forth on there, then he texts me. He is depressed (his mom just moved, hes on his own, doesn’t know if he can find room mates and if he cant then he doesn’t know what to do because he cant afford the rent on his own, etc) so being the overly caring person I am, I go over there to talk to him and to cheer him up and be all positive. In which I was happy I did because the whole time ‘I have a new respect for you, I don’t know how you do it then did everything u did for me, bla bla bla’ I guess a little taste of karma.

So then we started hanging out again, talking again and everything was picture perfect. It was made official again 2 months after hanging out and stuff, and everything was good. He was so different this time with the ‘I love you soooo much/miss you sooo much’ stuff and it just felt different and good. Towards the last couple months I however, started to feel stressed out. I was happy with my life but when it came to him I felt stressed. Instead of holding stuff in, im the type of person to talk things out or talk about how I feel that way I don’t just up and leave. He is VERY passive about things and I felt as if he got lazy since now he has people living with him, it was like not the full effect of being on your own own anymore. (the drive in him was gone!) So I felt pressured and felt like his stress was now my stress because I would always have to hear about it and of course I don’t want to see him fall. I almost got to the point of ending it because here I am doing EVERYTHING and ANYTHING for him and I couldn’t even get an extra 5 min phone call in the morning, I couldn’t get the little things but as usual, I sat there, talked it out and still stayed because I love him.

 

Then on march 7th, we had an argument a big argument which led him to hang up on me and then ignore me for a day. (I could go into the argument if it is needed) So he finally texts me the night after and I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and his reply was ‘I just do not want to be near you now’ okay fine. Then I ask him to talk on the phone and he says no, hes going to eat, hes going to sleep, he wants to do it this way, why we have to do it my way, bla bla bla. So we talk about our views on the fight, we get nowhere. So I stay as positive as can be and how we can get past this. This happened last time (when we broke up he said he NEVER got my texts, NEVER got my myspace message and when I texted him a joke, he would of responded but his phone was shut off so he made it seem like it was alllllll a misunderstanding and we wasted 2 months for no reason) and look what happened, we went months without talking for no reason. we should move on, we love each other bla bla bla.Then I said how we are together, how is it fair that I have to wait for when you want to talk and chill? So he said ‘u do not have to wait for me, u said u were sick of the * * * * so its up to u’ So the next morning, a girl I used to work with has passed and I texted him saying how life is short and at the end of the day fights become pety and I hope he can see that. And then I say ‘so I am guessing you are making it clear on what you want.’ And he says ‘I love u’ so I said ‘ok I love you too why are you holding back so much on getting past this’ then I said ‘or wait, was that you saying you don’t want this anymore?’ and he said ‘I did not say that.’ And that was the LAST thing he said to me, a month ago. He ignored all my texts and phone calls after that. In which got me because he NEVER said he didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to through texts.

I wrote his 2 friends on myspace just asking how he is because I worry about him all the time. Of course his best friend didn’t write back but his other friend has been an angel to me! He said that b told him that we don’t go out anymore, so I told him what really happened and he actually has been really nice to me and helping me with good advice and etc etc. (he said he has been int eh same situation just about and he knows how it feels and regardless if he is his friend or not, no1 should treat anyone like this) So he talks to B and B tells him how ‘we are in an agreement of not talking’ so his friend said’just like that?’ and b said ‘yup just like that, we made an agreement’ ….WHAT?!?!?!?!?! so now im even more lost. Then I find him on a dating site trying to get to know girls in which I don’t think he will look for another girlfriend right now, if anything I think its more out of boredom or trying to fill a void/avoiding emotions since he does that a lot.

So I am confused because he told me the COMPLETE opposite of wanting to break up, ignores me out of nowhere and then tells his friend ‘we are in an agreement’???? Thinking logically I would think anyone who is done with someone would just say no we broke up, its over. I just do not know what to do, where to go, what to think. I love him and regardless of ALL the * * * * , I would still want to work it out but I don’t know if I am holding on to false hope or anything. I am just at rock bottom emotionally. I did text him like once a week, nothing like begging or pleading for him to talk to me. Just simple, I miss yous, I love yous, etc which I know is still NOT good so this is 1 week no contact what so ever. I just do not know what to think especially since the last time we hung up, he was completely different, all over me and how much he missed me and loves me and just would not let go and then within a snap of a finger, act like I don’t exist??? Ughhh

 

Any opinions??? Sorry its so long!

[Cat76]

Hi Lostgrl

 

Sounds to me like everything was on his terms. You now have a chance to regain yourself on your terms. We don't have the answers, as we don't know whats going on in your boyfriends head, but most people will say keep up with the NC for yourself.

 

I know it's hard. It's been 2 weeks since I split with my ex and and a few days since we had any contact (it feels like he's forgotten about me already). But it does get easier. You just have to keep busy and distracted, well thats working for me. I also made a list yesterday of all the things that drove me crazy in the relationship and I wrote that I no longer have to 'put up' with them now that he isn't in my life (and believe me there was a lot - arrogance, toxic in laws, only child syndrome, illness, being last on the list of priorties). It put a lot of things into persepctive. I also told myself why would I want to contact someone who obviously doesn't want to talk to me, thats not a relationship, friendship or an acquaintance.

 

You sound like a lovely person, just from how you write, so it's his loss

[top bloke]

Tell him to get lost.

Go and get a real man to take care of you. This guy is like an undecided kid...get rid of him..

[Lostgrl]

Cat- Thank you for the compliment! And yeah i tried the list and i do know all the reasons but yet I dont know a part of me is so strong feeling that he isnt as evil as he is coming off to be and there has to be something i am missing or i dont know. Maybe denial? maybe not? It so extremely hard especially since like i said, he said the opposite to me and like is keeping it open by what he said to his friend. It is so confusing!!!!

 

Top- yes everyone agrees with that as well. However, it is much easier said then done! For once in my life i actually feel like a part of me missing and its the weirdest thing.

 

I know no1 will know what is going through his head but to see or listen to different perspectives would def help!!!! Especially since I do not like to play victim in situations, I try to understand both sides or reasons on why things happen you know? I try to be as rational as possible and this one has my mind boggled!

 

Anyone else with any input or perspective?

[AJEDrew7]

I really think this guy needs to grow up because he's acting very immature. You need to start making the decisions about talking to him or not. Don't be the one who's sitting around waiting for him to come back to you, be assertive and independent. You need to set some sort of boundary where you say, enough is enough because as much as you love him, he still has some growing up to do and that wont happen if you let him do what he wants with you. Do it because you love him. And if he changes, you'll know, I'm sure of it.

[Pixiedoc]

You do seem like a lovely person and (maybe because of that), you certainly seemed to work much harder at the relationship than him.

 

He hasn't treated you very well though has he, and it seems you encountered difficulties right from the start with comunication and compatibility.

 

I would back off and allow yourself some healing time. If he is looking at dating sites it seems that his mind is elsewhere at the moment, and if you are to be appreciated for the person you are, the very least you should expect is a pretty grovelling apology when/if he realises what he has lost.

 

Hang in there.

[top bloke]

I understand.It is much easier said than done. Allow me to clarify the why for you. If he truly loved you then he would not treat a nice girl like yourself in that fashion. He would take care of you ..want to be with you and not keep going back and forth. You deserve real love. That is why he behaves like that unfortunately

[Lostgrl]

AJEDrew - He is indeed extremely immature and if this was me before i met him i would be able to just pick myself up. He knows EVERYTHING i have been thru and the same guy who swore up and down that he would NEVER hurt me like i have been hurt in the past is the same guy who once he went silent, took my self esteem and everything else along with his words.

 

Pixie - thank you also for your kind words. Just like i said, he took my self esteem completely with his silence and hearing that truly means the world to me.

 

Top - a part of me knows that, which also hurts so much. ALL the words i have heard and the way he was with me when we were literally next to each other, is what is making this so hard and confusing for me. Even to this day, if i was to turn around and date another guy or someway tell him, i cant wait anymore...the sick part is, he would most likely say 'remember, YOU said it, not me.'

 

Like i have said i have hit beyond rock bottom emotionally, begging in my head non stop. crying myself to sleep every night when i actually do sleep and i lost so much weight (that i def did not need to lose!) over this. I dont even know where to start to pick myself up again. Most of all, i hate myself for being like this. I have no idea where to even start to get my self esteem back because when I do actually think 'you know what? I am GREAT! It is his loss' my mind always seems to go back to 'Well if i am so great, then why wont he talk to me?' and i get sad again. I feel so hopeless...

[AJEDrew7]

He wont talk to you because he's not great, not because you're not. You have it all backwards! If he was great, he would realize what he was missing out on. But, he's clearly blind and idiotic. And I can associate with you. I'm here because right now, I'm at rock bottom too. Keep your mind busy and just release in every way. Talk about how you feel to those who care about you most or even with people on these boards. You will get through this. I know I can't imagine my life without my ex and I just think "Why can't she just love me?" But some people just dont feel the same way and some people are just not even worth your feelings. It seems he's one of the latter. Just think, if you care about him this much, imagine the happiness and love you'll feel for a person who treats you like you deserve to be. Keep your head up.

[Pixiedoc]

Also, keep busy. Fill your time with work, friends and family who will support you in getting through this. The first part of the grieving process is shock and disbelief, but when you start getting angry that shows that you are moving on a little.

 

I know it won't feel like it, and you will take backward steps as well, but please keep telling yourself you're worth so much more.

 

Take care and HUG.

[Lostgrl]

AJEDREW - thank you for the kind words. I am trying to grasp the concept and I am also trying so hard to remember all the bad things, the lies, the manipulation, everything however it seems like its I am trying to fly...impossible! Its weird because I have been through rough break ups before and heartbreak before, I wonder why as i'm older...why does it get harder??

 

Pixie - I have amazing friends however, i think they are starting to get frustrated/mad with me over this. So lately I have been back to dealing with it on my own which it is like dealing with it ALL over again. I dont really have family where I live and the family that I am close to lives thousands of miles away and quite frankly my mom is getting frustrated too and just cant see how I cant just move on.

 

This morning I saw more pictures of him hanging out with this girl who I thought was just a hey how are you type of friend but there are pictures of him with her and her friends. He is up til 3-4am when he has work the next day and it is just so NOT like him. Seeing the pictures really does not hurt as much because I just feel that it is not on that type of level however, thinking, this is the guy who used to go to bed 10-11pm every night, what is going on?...hurts. Just when you think you have known someone. Granted I can sit here and tell stories or things that happened that made me question my own sanity and think I am crazy which is obvious to me why I shouldnt want to be with him, why I shouldnt love him etc....however, once again, it is so hard to focus on the bad and I can not take it!!!! lol