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Hello, please give me advice on what to do after I lost my first love of four years. I am turning 24 this year and he is turning 23.

 

We met through school and been through a lot. With me waiting for him while he served his compulsory two years in army and then now he is out to work. But just after 7 months of being out to work he changed. He gradually changed to not seem to calling me much, not seem to care (even when I told him i'm not feeling well) and does not seem to like to see me so often.

 

One day, we had a fight and he told me he really wanted to break off with me. I never pleaded with anyone so hard before but i pleaded him. He told me he does not love me as much as before, and all the happy times in recent times were all him trying to find back the feelings. I was devastated. I was alone at the beach and he left me there.

 

Then we stopped contact and three days later he asked me back. He said he did went to the beach later to look for me but i was gone. I know he would not lie about going to the beach. He told me he love me as much and he was just angry. We got back together because i love him so much.

 

Then within the two weeks, he was nonchalant about rebuilding this relationship. I had lose lots of faith in him because of what he said but he does not care about building that trust. Towards the end, i tried to tell him what i'd like him to change, like how he told me, but he started a fight with me. Then, i really could not take it anymore. Why? Why does he treat me this way? He has changed so much i don't know him anymore. i used to talk day and night with him but now each word causes a fight. Then i initiated a break-up which he fell asleep on. I asked him two days later, and he told me that he wanted a break-up. He said he realized that he really does not love me as much anymore and cannot imagine being with me in the future. I was devastated i almost went crazy. i love him like nothing in this world and believe we were true soul mate.

 

Tell me how can i move on? I have a career (i am actually in higher position than him and earning lots more but i never really care...), I don't look all that bad and all my friends support me. All of my friends told me without a doubt i can find someone way much better. Even before all these happened, many often told me how lucky my boyfriend is to have me, and often wanted to ask if i am available (to recommend to their son or friend, etc).

 

But how i can ever move on? No one will ever share the things i ever shared with him, but soon someone will come to share with him the things he shared with me.

 

I know my bad temper had caused a lot of problems, but i had changed and I had been a really great girlfriend (as he always says). He says i deserve someone better for the person i am. But what rubbish is it of him to say that to me just to make him feel better for leaving me? I know this relationship is irreparable and we are never going to be back again, no matter how much i am still wishing this was just a bad nightmare. But how do i move on when every waking moment i only think about him?

 

In my heart, i know i had lost him. I lost him when he changed. This new person I am dealing with isn't him. Thus there is no need to feel sad about the loss of such a him. Yet still, I am so inconsolably sad.

 

Can someone share with me?

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We don't love people because they are perfect; we love them because something in our hearts cries out to them. There's something in them that we wish we had in ourselves, or there's something about them that reflects the good things we do have in ourselves. But just because they have some of these qualities does not mean that they are the right partner for us in the long haul.

 

I felt the same way about my ex; that the person I was dealing with "wasn't him." With six months (four NC) of distance, I can see that it was him, but that it was the parts of him that I excused or ignored or just chose to accept because I loved the good parts so much.

 

You are grieving; it is okay to love him and feel bad about losing him. I too am still grieving my loss.

 

And no one will ever come to share the things that you shared with him or he with you. Because a relationship is made up of two people, not one, and so you were a vital part of that relationship. It can't be replicated without you in it. Don't forget that-- all the beautiful parts that you mourn the loss of, you had a hand in creating. You should be proud of yourself that you managed to make it last so long.

 

And now that it's over, take the time to mourn before you move on. It is okay. One day you won't spend every waking moment thinking of him-- I would say I probably only think of my ex a few times a day, and sometimes not at all. This will come with time and you don't need to force it. Forcing it only makes it worse.

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I thought that I won't be able to find another person after my first bf but I did and they were so much better. So was the person that came after.

 

I miss my last ex [5 weeks since break up] but I know that an even better person will come into my life.

 

 

You will be sad but it will go away and sooner than you think.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. And welcome to the forum by the way!

 

I'm still not completely over my ex and it's been a year and a half since we split. She was my first love and every date I've been on...well the girl take out isn't my ex. And that creates problems for me. So I've decided to stay single for a little while longer. Dates are expensive, and I'm at the point where I'm just going through the same motions, over and over again, just with different girls.

 

I feel for you...I truly do. It took me this long just to accept that it's competely over and she'll never come back to me. And I'll probably never see her again. That's what took the longest to accept.

 

I can't tell you how long it will take to get past this. It could take a few months, it could take a few years like me. You could meet someone special and forget all about your ex (not likely you'll ever completely forget though).

 

Just don't rush it though. And PLEASE don't drag someone else through the dirt with you...as in rebound. And if you do, make sure the other person absolutely knows there will be nothing serious with you.

 

It's going to be a long road. Even after you think you're over it, something will pop up to remind you...bring you back to that time with him.

 

I know this is cliche, but you need to love yourself before you can love again. The fact that things won't work out for you is enough to hate yourself...you're mad about what you could have done, should have done. And that may take a while. But once you are happy with your life, you'll know you can move on and be happy.

 

Don't make the same mistake I made. Yes there's a chance you can work things out in the future, but don't put your life on hold waiting for it like I did. In fact, put it in your mind that if he wasn't willing to make you a priority in his life now, then you'll never be willing to make him a priority in yours ever again. And stick to that. Have some respect for yourself and maybe you'll begin to feel better about it in time. Just don't let him walk all over you if he comes back.

 

Like I said, I sympathize with you. It's not fun. It was the worst experience of my life and having loved and lost, I really would have preferred to never have loved at all. But since I did, now I have to deal with all the bad feelings that come with the loss of all the good feelings...balance.

 

I'm sorry, but you've found a good place here. I've got 700+ posts about my ex and my attempts to move on. Talking (or typing) about how you're feeling is the best therapy in the world. Best of luck to you.

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Welcome, sister. You're beginning the long road down to Eden.

 

How do you get over this? One day at a time, in little, gradual increments. You will emotionally re-stabilize in time. What's more important is that you work on how you view and interpret the situation in the meantime, so that you don't get caught mid-way in the healing process hung up on counter-productive misconceptions that keep dragging you backward in your rehabilitation.

 

For example, to love someone madly is what makes it so great to be human. Never delude yourself so deep as to believe, however, that he is the only person that you will ever be able to experience these feelings for/with.

 

It absolutely kills me to the very core of my soul to say this, -as I have my own issues with it- but the feeling of love is just a passing phase of infatuation precipitated by increased secretions of Oxytocin, NGF and other substances in the brain/body. Long-term relationships are built on a largely different set of standards, and as it would seem, require different checks and balances out of the two in the relationship in order to achieve equilibrium.

 

Essentially, this means that the concept of a single soul-mate is largely moot if you yield to the scientific principles explaining the psychomechanics of love, and that you can achieve comparable long-term relationships with dozens of different possible candidates out there if the both of you so choose. As I said, it crushes me to think that the girl I've loved for so long is no different than any other one I've ever met as far as love is concerned, but I'm not willing to delude myself and strip away from me what little I have left to work with. Without a hammer you cannot pound a nail. To believe that the one you lost on vacation last summer is the only one you'll ever be able to use isn't going to get the house built, now is it?

 

Next, it's of very large importance that you end this relationship. What do you mean? We're already broken up. Sure. He's gone. That doesn't mean that the relationship is, though. It's not a whole relationship, no; more like the yucky, mushed up afterbirth mess left behind from one that's moved on to it's place in Valhalla. But make no mistake - you still have to deal with that mess and clean it up and put it where it needs to be. If not, is soaks through sheet after sheet of good linen and creeps into future relationships leaving ugly messes and reminders of old that make it hard to get on with life anew.

 

You need to get to a place where you feel you understand the route of decay that the relationship suffered. You can't go on in your life with it riding you like it was a mistake you made, or with you forever wondering what it was that happened and if it is waiting around the corner to take it all away again. I can't tell you what the heck happened back there. I don't know if anyone can. There's no actual person you can go to and get this answer from; it's one you need to work toward on your own slowly but surely. It's not an over-nighter, but if you don't come to terms with it or put it to rest or make your peace with it it will become malignant.

 

I don't know ya', though. Some people may have already arrived at this point. Others will get there no problem, not even realizing the significance of it in their healing. It's just the ones that don't that I'm worried about you becoming. Once you've been warned, I've done all I'm able to do.

 

For what it's worth, yes, I believe you will be better off and will find something better as you move back into the pasture. A lot changes for people in early adulthood. Everyone seems to be under the delusion that puberty lasts until you're 17-18-19 years old and then 'flick' you're an adult and are totally done mentally maturing and ready for life. The truth is there's lots of maturation left still to be done at that age even if we biologically are slowing down. We've yet to begin to fully experience adult life, and when this happens (hitting the real world and the realities it holds), it forces reality down our throats and prompts some pretty profound changes in how we behave.

 

I'd say, as a guess, that this is a pretty solid way to explain the sudden inversion of interests in your ex. He'd have been about 19-20 when you guys got together (many people, especially males, are still teen-like in their thinking at this age and haven't fully transitioned through the last stages of maturation that take place only after being placed in survival-like situations that only the "real-world" can offer). Two years in the army, he comes back and now he's different? It's pretty safe to surmise that this had something to do with it. Not that it's to blame; just that this is the kind of thing that can throw those time to grow up, life is real and you have to survive feelings into you and kick you into 'grown-up mode'. Back he comes, and whatever made you perfect for him before just doesn't click with his psyche now.

 

I know that hurts to think about because the way I've phrased it it really doesn't do you the justice I wish it did. This isn't intended to make you seem like the immature one in the couple as by your account you aren't. The point I'm trying to get accross is that this is potentially a way for you to look at his decline in relationship interest with you, an explanation of sorts, so that your perception of the relationship and it's end isn't so "out of control" or dark and mysterious or whatever. People change.

 

I'd say in my own life I've been a pretty good example of what I'm talking about. I have always been -even as far back as Grade 3- regarded by my peers and superiors [teachers, mostly] as being miles ahead of my peers in maturity. That weighed in mind, even I wasn't finished this final stage of maturation thoroughly until about 21 or so. From leaving home at 19 'til about 20 or 21 I hadn't fully grasped the transition from my teenaged mentality to a more mature one. For me a few years working and living in the real world did it, along with the help of a very wise mentor to steer me where I wouldn't have otherwise gone as readily. By comparison, had I gone at that age to serve in an army or disciplinary institution, I'd be darned positive I'd have come out such a different person it would be creepy.

 

Still, having matured more gradually without extremely harsh problems to force me through, the changes came fast enough for my friends and co-workers to notice the lack and luster in me in the last year or so. I used to go out every other week and party with a like-aged co-worker for recreation. I never really liked him or partying or his sub-acceptable crowd of degenerates, but it was a good time and I knew enough of them through him that it made for a little entertainment. Now, I value my sleep and hanging out with more mature people of whom I share more in common with. It's an example in me of what I see as being part of your ex's change. I've come to a point where I no longer value the recreational relationship I had with this co-worker, and feel that maintaining it only takes me away from the direction I'd rather my life be heading in. I've bought a house in the last year and am working toward becoming a stable, decent part of society. He's the same age and lives in a rental house with insulation, Tyvek and Tuck Tape for a front door. You do the math.

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I know exactly how you feel, honey. I'm still getting over my first love. You've been given some excellent advice here, so all I will add is to reassure you that we've all been there. Losing your first love is one of the most horrible things you will experience in this lifetime. Be kind to yourself, take it easy, and DO NOT -do not- set a time limit on when you expect or want to be ''over him''. That is counterproductive and upsetting. Acknowledging the fact that this will be hard for you is half the battle to feeling better, strange as that may sound. If you try to play it down and try to 'get over it' too quickly, it'll be more painful in the long run.

 

You know you can come to ENA whenever for advice.

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Dear all,

 

Thank you for your responses. The advice had been invaluable. I am taking it pieces by pieces in, but still, i am crumbling.

 

My ex-boyfriend texted me to tell me what a great individual I am and I will find someone even better. He said we can be good friend. I wanted to reply and tell him I hate him to the max, but i replied with some class and dignity, and told him he had been a great person too but changed. Any maybe we can be good friends, but not now. He replied i will find someone better than him. Why are man such great jerks? Doesn't he already know who is the one in my heart?

 

I am still trying to cope. Outside to my friends, i'm all happy and smiley. I shop, i work, i do my regular stuff, and still talk like a chatterbox. I assured them I am doing well. I had always been strong and the one to lead people, to them, this is just something easy for me. To me too, i imagine this is something small too. Four years so what? It was only my wrong investment in time and emotions. But still, i keep imagining he might come back to ask for my forgiveness, and he will regret this so badly.

 

I can only voice out my sadness and lost love under this anonymous name on this website. Somebody tell me what I can do. I still love him with all my heart. Day by day, will it get better?

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It does, but its not a quick fix. I'm a hundred times better then I was a month ago, but I still have down times. The down times certainly aren't as bad as they were though, so I know I'm making progress.

 

It just takes times.

 

Take what you can out of this ... I lost my first true love, thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together ... but if someone is prepared to walk away from you do you really want them in your life? They've done it once, could you ever completely trust them not to do it again?

 

Use your friends, they can help you through this ... I found my invaluable, telling me what I needed to as opposed to wanted to hear. You find out a lot about people in times like these.

 

Maybe he will regret it and come back but you can't control or manipulate a situation that brings that about ... as annoying and hard as it is you have to focus on yourself and taking complete control of your new life without him and see where that takes him.

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It's been few days. I feel like dying. I feel like jumping down the building. I go to work daily and meet my friends, i look happy and fine and am not clinging on to him. But i feel my heart bleeding. I really don't feel like living anymore. The misery is too much to bear. I love him, yet he doesn't love me anymore.

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Hi there Tiffany

 

I am so sorry for your situation and the pain you are going through.

 

I know you feel like you would rather curl up and die, but all I would say is that this is very early days for you and these feelings suck, but are quite normal.

 

Take things hour by hour and day by day for now - suck up these crappy feelings and know that you WILL get through them.

 

The world likely is standing still for you right now and everything is probably pretty insignificant to you. This isn't a marathon - take little baby steps when you can. Come back on here if you feel down.

 

Keep your chin up darling.

 

Mark

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Tiffany - First loves are always tough to get over, or so they say. I actually have kind of had the opposite experience in that the break up with my "first love" was long overdue and mutual, but subsequent breakups have proven to be more and more debilitating. My most recent breakup (one month ago today) has really been tough, and I'm still working through the pain. But, no matter the case, you do realize, with each breakup, that you learn more about yourself and what you want/expect from a partner. You must continue living for you, embracing your pain, understanding it, and growing from it. You have taken the first step by reaching out and looking for help. This forum is an amazing place to get advice, insight, and vent. Continue to do that. However, if you continue to have overwhelming thoughts, you may want to consider seeking out the help of a trained professional counselor to help you explore your pain a little more thoroughly and constructively. Nevertheless, know that you aren't alone in your struggle; we are all here because we have gone through similar events recently.

 

I'll leave you with a quote that has been really helpful for me:

 

"You have the power to transform today's pain into tomorrow's wisdom, and you should love yourself enough to choose to do exactly that. There is joy waiting for you. You will be healthy enough to recognize and embrace it when it comes, and know that if this is what it took to find it, it was worth all this and more."

 

Good luck and if you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me.

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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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