Mom is having trouble with our son

[Atticus90]

Ever since my son has been able to crawl, he's been gettin into things, standing himself up on tables, chairs, couch, you name it.

 

Lately she has been getting discouraged, because she's always on her feet all the time. When I'm not on work, I'm over there all the time trying to give her a break, but she always trys to spend time with me.

 

and when she gets home she complains about not having a break and I tell her that i try to, but she always trys to spend time with me. Not that I mind, but sort of defeats the purpose of me being there all the time if she's not getting rest.

 

She's telling me she's tired of being a parent... I don't know what to do. I've tried everything i could to help. Her parents don't help her out much. All they do is criticize her about everything she does wrong. I'm sure that doesn't help.

 

I had a discussion with her tonight about this and she says if we lived together, then it'd be much easier on her. This has been discussed time and time again with her parents. Her dad doesn't seem to mind. Just her mom... Her mom even says that she can leave but not our son.. Must be some kind of denial situation going on with her.

 

We would both like to move with each other. It would certainly makes things easier and Id get to see my son everyday. I'm engaged to my girlfriend by the way and she's 17. I'm pretty much sure her mom has made up her mind, so how do we stand legally as far as her being able to leave on her own?

There has to be some rights that teens with children have. Just doesn't seem right in my opinion...

[yellowcal]

Not sure what state you are in but in some states (not all) once you become a parent you are by some standards considered emancipated. However you'd need to look into the laws for your own area to know for sure. As for her being able to legally leave, she can leave before she turns 18 however her parents can report her as a runaway and that can be an extremely dirty case.

 

As for your gf getting discouraged, do you really think she is going to be any better with your son if you two are living on your own? What your son is doing is perfectly normal and if your girlfriend thinks she has it hard maybe she should try doing it without you or anyone else to help her day in and day out. Having a child is tough, especially at a young age and i'm not sure how old your son is but i'm assuming he's fairly young still? If so hate to say it but it only gets worse once they are up moving around and get their own personalities (3 year olds are FUN!!)

[jenny_mcs]

How are you planning on supporting yourselves & your son if you move out together? Have you priced out how much an apartment, and food, and utilities and everything will cost you? Do you have a budget & a plan?

[Atticus90]

We're in North Carolina

Are we in the state where having a child means you're emancipated?

 

Yeah I think it'd help if we lived with each other. i could certainly help out more and she wouldn't have to feel like she's alone in this like she feels at home.

 

 

And to jenny. yes, I've caculated that

from mortgage, insurance, food, gas, phone, power, and all those goodies. She would get a job as well during the times that i'm off.

[yellowcal]

We're in North Carolina

Are we in the state where having a child means you're emancipated?

 

Yeah I think it'd help if we lived with each other. i could certainly help out more and she wouldn't have to feel like she's alone in this like she feels at home.

 

No, She isn't legally emancipated in North Carolina.

 

It will be ALOT more stressful with you two living together, believe me. It may seem easier now but add to the stress she is dealing with now (Minus the parents) all the bills, living with your bf/gf, keeping up a house , etc etc and believe me living with stressful parents aren't so bad. I have done both and I can say i'd rather go back to living with my parents most days. Even though they were absolutely no help whatsoever with my child.

[yellowcal]

 

 

And to jenny. yes, I've caculated that

from mortgage, insurance, food, gas, phone, power, and all those goodies. She would get a job as well during the times that i'm off.

 

 

 

In NC the jobs are hard to come by, and she thinks it is stressful now how is she going to deal with taking care of a child, keeping up a house on top of having a job to pay for bills?

[Atticus90]

In NC the jobs are hard to come by, and she thinks it is stressful now how is she going to deal with taking care of a child, keeping up a house on top of having a job to pay for bills?

Lol, I had to find that out the hard way. Took me a longgg time to find the job i have now.

She wouldn't have to worry about all that. Like I said, while i'm off work, she would have a job and i'll be taking care of our son. or I might consider a babysitter. My side of the family is very willing to look after my son any chance they get.

[Atticus90]

No, She isn't legally emancipated in North Carolina.

 

It will be ALOT more stressful with you two living together, believe me. It may seem easier now but add to the stress she is dealing with now (Minus the parents) all the bills, living with your bf/gf, keeping up a house , etc etc and believe me living with stressful parents aren't so bad. I have done both and I can say i'd rather go back to living with my parents most days. Even though they were absolutely no help whatsoever with my child.

 

Well, I understand being around each other all the time can be annoying, but you gotta do what ya gotta do. I can't just let her go through with what she's going through... I'm not worried about bills i pay now, because I'm able to pay em on time, pay for my son and still have some left. call me fortunate, but it's no problem. my son's on medic aid, wic until he's 5. he's 9 months old now. Gives her plenty of time to get job situation straight.

[yellowcal]

Lol, I had to find that out the hard way. Took me a longgg time to find the job i have now.

She wouldn't have to worry about all that. Like I said, while i'm off work, she would have a job and i'll be taking care of our son. or I might consider a babysitter. My side of the family is very willing to look after my son any chance they get.

 

Your family is willing to look after your child now, that may very well change once it is a permanent thing. I am telling you first hand it isn't as easy as you are seeming to think it is. It isn't just a move in together and everything is all good afterwards.

 

Well, I understand being around each other all the time can be annoying, but you gotta do what ya gotta do. I can't just let her go through with what she's going through... I'm not worried about bills i pay now, because I'm able to pay em on time, pay for my son and still have some left. call me fortunate, but it's no problem. my son's on medic aid, wic until he's 5. he's 9 months old now. Gives her plenty of time to get job situation straight.

 

The bills you have now will likely double, if not triple once you and her move in together. Even if you are making it now doesn't mean it's going to be that simple once you two are living together. He is on medicaid and WIC that only helps out so much. It means nothing for her as far as a job is concerned. That just covers his medical as well as milk, juice and cheese once he is over a year old.

[Atticus90]

Your family is willing to look after your child now, that may very well change once it is a permanent thing. I am telling you first hand it isn't as easy as you are seeming to think it is. It isn't just a move in together and everything is all good afterwards.

 

 

 

The bills you have now will likely double, if not triple once you and her move in together. Even if you are making it now doesn't mean it's going to be that simple once you two are living together. He is on medicaid and WIC that only helps out so much. It means nothing for her as far as a job is concerned. That just covers his medical as well as milk, juice and cheese once he is over a year old.

Well, I'm not expecting everything to be perfect.

If everyone waited to move with a child and all that until they were ready, then no one would be living together right now. Might have to make some sacrafices but it's worth it. I'm not expecting a heaven like life if that's what you assume.

[yellowcal]

Well, I'm not expecting everything to be perfect.

If everyone waited to move with a child and all that until they were ready, then no one would be living together right now. Might have to make some sacrafices but it's worth it. I'm not expecting a heaven like life if that's what you assume.

 

Actually if more people waited until they were ready to move in together, families wouldn't be struggling as much. You seem to be thinking that it would be easier on both of you if you lived together, while it will get her away from her parents it isn't going to end the stress and frustration it will just be a different type of stress and frustration and if she is getting frustrated with her son being a typical child and having to chase after him all day she is really going to hate it when she is living in her own house having to cook, clean, work AND Chase after her child.

[JadedStar]

Trust me when i say that if you two live on your own the stress is likely going to increase. You have the SAME issues with the baby you have now only add a ton of bills to that stressload. I've been there atticus and it isn't easy and if she is already 'sick of being a parent' while living with and getting at least some help from her parents and they paying the household bills i can tell you that once she is removed from that and having to work AND care for that child and pay bills, even with your help, the stress will be unbearable. Since day one it was very evident that she was not ready to be a mother and i strongly urge you to let her stay with her parents right now so she can also do her own 'growing up' and maturing.

 

I knwo you have worked up the bills to see what they would cost but add quite a bit to that. There is ALWAYS something that comes up. It isn't just about the rent, electric, food, water and gas. There are a ton of other things that come up when you have two adults and a baby living in a home.

 

I honestly think her staying put until you guys are older is the best thing for all involved.

 

As for parents not helping her much, it isn't their responsiblity. They are letting her live there rent free and feeding her. My mother didn't help me much either when i was a young mother. She had her own life and made it clear she was not going to be a built in babysitter. You have no choice but to honor their wishes. I am the same way with my daughter. Sure i will babysit on occasion, but i am young enough to be living my own life as well and quite honestly didn't sign up for taking care of a baby again right now.

 

They are telling her if she moves she can't take her son because they obviously see she is not ready to take care of that child on her own. They obviously see quite a bit of immaturity as well and figure so long as the baby is in their home it will be fed and living in good housing.

[yellowcal]

Just to give you an example, as a young mom living with my guy we both make decent money but at the end of the month we are usually left with very little , if anything at all. Jaded brought up great points while you have a list of Definate costs there are many more things that WILL happen and expenses that will occur. I just had to come up with $2500 to fix my car out of nowhere, where did that money come from? Money that we had saved up thankfully we had money saved otherwise we both would have been screwed.

 

Seems like each month, even after we have set aside a certain amount for all the bills we always end up with other random expenses that weren't expected. So just because you can afford the bills you know you will have doesn't mean you will be able to cover all the expenses without any problems.

[Atticus90]

I cover that now even tho she's not with me

Here's the list

Caculate the salary

 

Mortage

Neighborhood association feed ( dumbest bill ever... )

Power

Cable

car insurance

home insurance

health insurance

taxes

license plate tag ( once a year thing )

car payed off...

gas

food

I probably spend about 200$ a month.. depending on what my son needs that my gf can't buy.

 

I guess I'm fortunate because while I was with my dad, I was able to set aside ALOT of money so when I did move out on my own, I never fell behind.

 

Over the past few months I've grown up a lot and I'm not as naive or irresponsible. I recently had to buy a new battery for my car a few months ago because it was low and I kept riding on it. Cost me about 450 plus towing fee.

 

You can tell me I'm to young and she's to young, but not all teens are set up to fail. Some do make it...

[yellowcal]

Noone is saying anything about you not being able to make it because you are young, I am saying it because you are doing it for all of the wrong reasons. All of the things you have listed are things that you HAVE to pay, you aren't prepared for the stress added by extra expenses that will come along in some form or another. You only spend $200 a month on your son? Expect that to become more once you are living together and as he gets older.

 

Triple your food bill

add more to your power bill and so on...

[JadedStar]

No, not all teens are set up to fail. But atticus, your g/f is not a very grown up young lady yet. Let's not forget how she wanted to harm this baby in the beginning and even now she is saying she doesn't like being a parent. Young mothers can do fine if they are able to grasp the maturity levels required for this very demanding job. I did it, i was very young, but i was far more mature than a lot of women my age. If your g/f showed stronger signs of maturity i would be giving you different advice, but this is totally overwhelming her, and in her defense it is a very GROWN UP job for a young lady who does not feel she is a grown up yet.

 

And that finances list, really atticus, means nothing. Me and my SO make very good money yet it seems EVERY month something totally unexpected hits us and takes away the extra money we thought we'd have to stash back.

 

I don't say these things to be pessimistic, i say these things to try to share with you some of my own experiences with this and also my thoughts on your g/f's maturity levels, or lack of. She isn't ready to be mommy even yet much less wifey too. I know that some people think you should run off and become a family when you bring a child into the world but sometimes the TWO of those things mixed together are too much for a person to handle.

 

You might think YOU are ready, but you are only 1/3 of this equation. There is also your g/f and a baby 100% dependent on you both.

 

I am in total understanding of her parent's stance to play the legal guardian card if she tries to move out with the baby just yet. They know she isn't ready.

[yellowcal]

You seem to think that you two moving in together will make it easier for you and her, what you are missing is the stuff you will have to deal with living together... Truthfully the way you speak of her she doesn't have the first clue how it is living on your own or with someone other than your parents. She probably thinks moving in with you will fix all of the problems and will be so much easier. Once again I will repeat she thinks she is stressed now she hasn't experienced any sort of stress until she has a house to care for, a job outside the home, bills to pay, a relationship to maintain as well as a never ending job of taking care of a child.

 

Ive been in your shoes exactly. Being a young parent (single parent mind you), Stressed out by my parents, and just stressed out with the things that come along with being a parent and I thought things would be so much easier once I was living with my fiance boy was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it but things were so much easier living with my parents even though they were basically null in help (Didnt expect them to be too helpful) it was alot of stress that I didn't have to deal with. Now I have to deal with it all, I work full time, plus take care of my son and try to keep my relationship healthy. It is taxing.

[JadedStar]

Everything has not been calculated because there are many unknowns atticus.

 

I admire your tenacity in wanting to be a father and a partner to this young lady but she is not ready yet. You might be, she is not.

[yellowcal]

Raises are expected in my job as my son gets older. All of that has been caculated.

 

I want my gf to live with me, because I'm the parent as well and she shouldn't be forced to do this on her own. I know power will go up and food will go up. Trust me, everything has been caculated.

 

Raises are expected in your job? The way the economy is nothing is promised.

 

Yes you are both parents however you both chose this bed when you laid together and had a child so young. Not everything has been calculated you are just calculating everything that you THINK will be needed, you haven't even begun calculating everything with the unknown.

 

Between my fiance and I we bring in great money each month (we both make around $10 an hour and work close to 50 hours a week..) and even then we find ourselves trying to figure out how to pay for certain things when all is said and done.

[JadedStar]

Speaking of the economy atticus, not to scare you but there is no such thing that i know of these days of a recession proof job. I have been in the workforce over 20 years and know that i am even replaceable as good as i like to think that i am.

 

what if you lock yourself into a lease and lose your job? Any back up plans there?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Atticus, Hmmm...one thing that might make it easier for her to have the child and handle the boy's wanderings and wonderings would be to make sure he's got a safe place to do so. Is the house child-proofed? Is there a room setup where she won't have to worry about his safety if he wants to explore or wonder?

 

I have noticed that when the house is not set up for the child then it is more stressful. Once obstacles and safety issues are resolved, oftentimes, it gets easier to take care of a child.

 

You say he's been getting into things - can they get some child locks? Standing himself up on things - is there a room where there really isn't too much furniture so that worry can be taken away. I'm not saying 'here's how to ignore the child'; I'm saying it's exhausting when you have to be on top of a child all the time because there are hazards left and right.

 

When living in one's parents' house, it can be hard to arrange an environment to suit your needs as a parent with a small child. As for living on your own - that is one thing that may be alleviated. As well as the criticism. But the other posters have valid points, and I recommend really looking outside the box as to how to solve the existing problems in the home before taking a really big step like moving in together.

 

Bottom line is that you have to do what you know is right. Don't dismiss any misgivings you have. It's a good idea to think of the worst case scenario and be prepped for that as well.

 

Good luck.