Post-Breakup: "Take Everything Said With a Grain of Salt"

[Aeryn]

After reading numerous posts on here about things said by (mostly) the dumper during post-breakup, I've found that most people say to take their words with a grain of salt, seeing as how they are still fresh in on the idea that things are over. They are, as dumpers, also sad/angry/confused.

 

Where do you draw the line though?

I mean, on day #1 of the breakup the dumper could tell you that they still love you with all their heart. Then on day #5 they could tell you that they hate you with a passion. On day #10 they could apologize, say that they do still love you and care for you, but just need some time to think things through.

 

How can you take all of that with a grain of salt? How can they be totally in love with you, but also hate you? How can they say they do want to be with you again, but then turn around and say they are completely done with you just a couple of days later?

 

And another question...how long post-breakup do you stop taking their words with that grain of salt, and start taking them as serious words from their POV? Two weeks in? Two months in? Two years in?

[MrSoAndSo2009]

Take their words with a grain of salt pretty well from the beginning. Pay attention to actions more than words (most of the time). If they start to talk about reconciling, and if that is what you want, then you can pay attention.

[tulipsfav]

I made the mistake of believing everything my ex told me, everything was lies, told me he didnt have time for a relationship because of his sport and being stressed with work. But now he has time to be on dating sites looking for his next victim. Which i had took his words with a grain of salt!!

[tulipsfav]

What i meant was "i wish i had of took his words with a grain of salt." Mis spelt wish.

[ratfreak]

hah I got the I wasn't ready to be in a relationship [after being together for 3 years] and he's already been with someone else.

 

once they say something and it's out there - that's what they meant no matter what they say after to take it back or apologize...

[HeartGoesOn]

That's why it's best to go "NC", you don't have to put up with their wishy washy crap.

[caligirl98]

Actions most definitely speak louder than words!!

 

I can't believe one thing my ex says. One day my ex will say they love me with all their heart and they want me forever and can't believe they started dating someone new because I'm so much better than the new girl in every way....

The next day they are back together with the new girl and say they don't see me in the future any more. Pretty much, words mean NOTHING at this point...it's been over 3 months.

[caro33]

It will depend on the person and their state of mind surely, as well as how consistent their words are. As others have said, the most important aspect will be their action and how their actions reflect their words. Always listen to what the actions are telling you.

 

If your ex has always been flaky, then take it all with a grain of salt. If your ex has always been a bit of a liar to suit their own needs, take it all with a sack of salt. If they have been reliable but are having a crisis, take it with a grain of salt until they seem on an even keel again. If their words are consistent over time and consistent with their actions, then believe them.

[catfeeder]

After a breakup, I'd stop taking his words, period.

[SpeedingCars]

I think it doesn't matter WHAT they said or what they actually meant when they said it. The point is, they dumped you and you are no longer together. It doesn't matter if they're still "madly in love" with you because now they have no obligation to you and vice versa.

[Decaf08]

Hence you should take it with a rock of salt. It makes the confusion go down easier.

[Cat76]

I'm finding it difficult to believe that I meant anything to my ex. So not only will I take anything he ever says again with a shedload of salt, I'm berating myself for not doing the same whilst we were together. (Still miss him though)

[WomanWriter]

Good point. I've thought about that too. I hate to say this, but sometimes I don't think ex's know what they're talking about. When they break up, they say all kinds of things that contradict each other. My ex said we were too wrapped up with each other in one sentence and, the same day, said we didn't meet each other's needs. To me, that doesn't make sense. If we were too wrapped up in each other, why would he expect me to meet his needs more? Then I would be even more wrapped up in him. If he wanted us to be less wrapped up in each other, he could have gotten his needs met elsewhere and had his own hobbies. But I can't really tell him this because it's over and I'm sure he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

 

So I don't know if it's just an excuse for breaking up or just a confused, misguided real reason (even though it doesn't make sense). Some people just get ideas in their minds and they're stubborn so I think they say anything. We can't be worrying about what they said because it didn't even make sense in the first place. No need to take them seriously.

[Pixiedoc]

It will depend on the person and their state of mind surely, as well as how consistent their words are. As others have said, the most important aspect will be their action and how their actions reflect their words. Always listen to what the actions are telling you.

 

If your ex has always been flaky, then take it all with a grain of salt. If your ex has always been a bit of a liar to suit their own needs, take it all with a sack of salt. If they have been reliable but are having a crisis, take it with a grain of salt until they seem on an even keel again. If their words are consistent over time and consistent with their actions, then believe them.

 

Excellent advice, your instincts are usually pretty good but in such a time it's much more difficult to rationalise what has happened. Usually they have had more time to prepare for the end of the relationship, but it's always best to take some time out to heal and work our way through the really painful times.

[Aeryn]

Thanks for the opinions/advice everyone! I saw some good answers!

 

 

Personally, my ex...there are some things he always stuck to his word on, and other things that he would constantly go from yes to no on. For instance, if it were an outing with family or friends, or had something to do with school, he would stick to his word. However, if it were something like going to the store, working out, doing yard work, etc, then he would constantly change his mind on when/how to do things like that.

 

 

Through the breakup, I really don't know what his intentions were/are. He broke up with me first saying it was his final answer...the next day, he said he just needed time...a few days later, he said it had to be over for good...the time after that, he said he doesn't know what the future will bring for us only time will tell...then, again, he went back to saying he was done. didn't know about forever, but for now it was for good.

 

Of course, with two weeks of me begging and pleading, things ended on him telling me, "Just move on with your damn life. It's unhealthy for you to be expecting me to come back...I'm just not coming back. I saw no future!"

 

Sooo...that's the last time we spoke, and those are the words I took to heart. That he's completely done. Not even "time" will show him any different.