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Need an outsider's opinion...may be a lil long...

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Just letting you know...may be a little long.


My ex-gf and I have been broke up since Jan. We tried to remain friends. We even started hooking up again and became "friends with benefits". For a while it seemed we were even gonna get back together. But there were reasons I still held back from it for a while. I started talking to a few girls. She started meeting new guys. Eventually we both hooked up with someone else while still hooking up with each other. It became too much to bear for us and we decided to try to go NC.


What caused most of the problems in our relationship was this: when she and I were just dating, no commitment, I was seeing another girl. This girl is my cousin's niece (no blood relation...no incest lol). Eventually they both became attached and I knew I had to make a choice. I let them both go at first cuz I thought it was for the best. But after a week, I really missed my now-ex more. So I told her I would be with just her. I still wanted to remain friends with the other girl considering I've known her for a long time and her ties to my cousin's family. So I asked if she could deal with that before we got into the relationship. She said yes. So we became exclusive.


As time went on, it became a big problem for us. She thought I was always talking to this girl, which wasn't the case. We had a fight and broke up over it. I missed her terribly, so I asked what I could do to make things right. She told me to tell that girl I was in love with her and that we should limit contact. I did. The girl was clearly crushed by it, and said she wouldn't contact me anymore to keep the peace. Later my GF decided she wanted all contact cut. She asked me when I was gonna do it. I told her that if she calls, I'd just ignore the calls, thinking the girl would never call again anyway cuz of our last conversation. I just felt that telling her "I don't need you in my life" was just another slap in the face and she already knew everything she needed to know.


In December, I break up with my GF cuz she snooped thru my computer and found porn sites that were blocked in my browser settings. She got the wrong idea and thought I was visiting these sites and accused me of being a pervert and telling me I need help. I was so upset I ended it with her. These were really crazy sites and I couldn't believe she would even think I'd visit them. After I told her how they were actually blocked from my computer, she apologized. But we remained apart. I went to visit my kids for Xmas. While there, we kept in touch. Out of the blue, I hear from the other girl. Just wishing me happy holidays. She heard thru the grapevine about the breakup and was checkin to see if I was ok. She even said she hoped we worked things out. I told my ex about the conversation.


I got back home around New Year's Eve. I spent it with my ex. We hooked up again. A couple weeks later after some bumps in the road, we were back together. It seemed to be for good this time. There was an argument about a picture a friend sent me showing her new haircut, but we worked it out. Then one day, the other girl calls me again. She leaves a voice mail message. I didn't know it was her because I had erased her number. But my GF knew she had a 602 area code. I guess she must have looked through my phone and saw the number. I just assumed it was a debt collector on my ex-wife's truck. She asked me to play the message on speakerphone. So I did. We both heard it at the same time. Once she heard the message, she was livid. She told me to get out of her house, threw my stuff outside, hit me, slapped me while the whole time I was begging for her to believe that I didn't know it was that girl that called. I finally leave. On my way home, she calls and says she believes me but wants to see phone records and that I need to call that girl right now and tell her I never want to speak to her again. I told her I'd be happy to show her phone records. But that it was over for me. She crossed the line with me hitting me like that and I was done. She apologized over and over for a few days after, saying it would never happen again. Eventually we went no contact for a little while.


A couple weeks later, there was a concert we both had planned to attend. She texted me saying she had bought me a ticket and it was still mine if I wanted it. I thanked her. We ended up going together. After a great night together, we ended up hooking up again. Things seemed to be back on track. Memories of what she did to me kept me distant though. At the end of February we started to see other people. In March the subject of the other girl came up again. She said that I put the other girl's feelings above hers and for that she could never forgive me. She said she couldn't stand how it seemed that girl was always in the picture. It was true that I felt bad about hurting the other girl and I did try to remain friends with her; I've known her for 8 years. But I was madly in love with my GF.


Last night after a few weeks of no contact, I gave in and texted her again. Her Myspace page made me wonder if she had met someone new. We talked about a few things. I found out she's been talking to an ex. She hasn't slept with him, but I think she's feeling the old chemistry again. I was really hurting after this, so I apologized again for the things I did wrong and asked if there was any hope for our reconciliation. She said I ruined it when I told her that I never told the girl I didn't need her in my life because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She said that if I really loved her I'd do anything.


I wanted to prove to her that I didn't want this girl anymore, so I told her about the girl calling me a couple weeks ago late at night. She was drunk and told me she was coming into town this weekend. She asked if we could hang out again, and if things were gonna be like they were last summer. I told her no, because if there was any chance at all of me working things out with my ex that would totally kill it all. I told my ex about this convo last night and it did nothing but piss her off even more. She said that I still didn't get it and that I never will. She said I still can't keep that girl's name out of my mouth. I was only trying to show her that even though we aren't together I don't want that girl. After some arguing, she told me to move on. I asked her if she could swear on everything we had that she'd never love me like she did before, I'd walk out of her life forever. She just said "bye." I asked if that was a yes. No response. So I told her that her silence tells me everything I need to know and I'm gone now.


I erased all our pictures today. It really hurt doing it. I guess she's gonna end up with this ex of hers. It really hurts. She told me I had no one but myself to blame and maybe one day I'd realize what I could have done to change things. But I genuinely loved this girl, and still do, and she knows this. I don't see why that's not good enough for her. Any advice?

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It sounds like she has serious self-esteem issues if she is that worried about this one girl. You did try your best to keep from communicating with the other girl, but asking you to be cruel to her is just selfish. If anyone ever utters the words "you should do this if you love me", then that is just a big red flag that they are using your emotions to get something they want which is plain wrong.


From the post, you sound like a decent guy. You have no history of cheating and are willing to go out of your way and change for this girl. She is just doesn't realize what she had.


Blowing up over issues such as a friend emailing you a picture, or getting mad about blocking porn just means she will never be happy unless all to see, hear, or breath is her. That is just a fantasy.


Your better off without her. You need to find a woman who will appreciate you. Love comes and goes, just cause you lost this one does not mean you will never love again.

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