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I need an unbiased opinion


chocolateclair

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k so here it goes.

 

 

I know I'm the best girlfriend to Justin, my boyfriend, Lol no seriously, I have dinner prepared for him before he gets home, I clean the apartment for him and his roommates so that the dishes are always clean and it always smells great. I wash his clothes and mine too, and fold them, hang them up and put them away. I'm always trying to make him feel less stressed by work by giving him foot and back massages even though I've never really been a massager. I'm constantly showing him that affection by rubbing his head and giving him sweet lil kisses behind his ear, or embracing his neck. I often leave lil messages for him in the bathroom, like a bunch of post-its shaped in heart with all the things I love about him. I cut out an I

 

He says he loves me, and I know he does but I just feel so unappreciated. If I wasn't to call or text him during the day he wouldn't do the same for me. I always tell him, call me or text...when I'm working late or weekends so we can hang out afterwards and I don't hear back from him unless I initiate a text/call. I put everything out there on the line and told him how I felt on Sunday. I can count 3 things he does or has done for me to show me appreciation. 1) he opens the car door and any door for me everytime... which I expect bc it's a gentleman thing to do but never the less I appreciate it. 2) he bought me a spa package to this day spa in Orlando and it was a just because kind of thing and I love it! 3) he lets me stay with him so I don't have to drive back to leesburg everyday and I love him for that... but at the same time its made me feel like we basically live together and he's just gotten comfortable.

 

 

So any who I didn't hear from him yesterday until 4:40pm saying hows my day going... and I told him I was done for the day and headed home... he asked home or to his place.. and I told him home-leesburg and I'm staying at a hotel in Orlando through next week...... and no more txts.... I gave in this morning and text him bc I love him and I miss not spending time with him (all weekend I just stayed with my girl bc I was not feeling staying with him since he didn't bother to text or call me or acted like he care) so I said to him this morning have a great day sweetie, I'm still madly in love with you and hope you feel the same....

 

He said I love you too Claire, have a blessed day. HE NEVER CALLS ME CLAIRE.. ughhh so I msgd back: are we breaking up.. he said I don't know I hope not but its not something I want to discusss through text.. I love you and care for you more than you know, I'll call you after work.

 

 

So now I'm just stuck waiting til he gets off work... I don't know what I should think or do... honestly he cant even see where I'm coming from with things but for all I do for him I don't feel like I'm getting it back in return. I cant help but spoil him the way I do because I honestly love him with all my heart...

 

 

 

What do I do?!!!

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I think you've become too available to him, almost to the point of "babying" him. How long have you guys been together?

 

I was thinking the same thing... seems you may be over doing it with him and maybe that is overbearing. It's a great gesture that you try to do everything for him and spend every moment you can with him but some people don't like things like that. I am that way, if someone does too much for me it kinda bugs me.

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Honestly (and with no intentions of being rude) stop doing his laundry and rubbing his feet and start living your life! Why don't you pamper yourself for a change and stop worrying about him calling you. Go out and have fun, and he will call when he calls. Like others said, stop being too available. Get a hobby and spend time with your friends. Start achieving your own personal goals, get a makeover, whatever, just stop making him the center of your life.

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got it... he says he loves my messages and the dinners and all that I do for him though. And I've said before if Im ever too much let me know... and he says know and i quote " i really am the luckiest man in the world" is what he says, and that he "can't wait to spend the rest of his life" with me.

 

Do you think that he feels he shows his appreciation just by spending time with me?

 

Right now I actually am not staying with him until we get things together. I live an hour away from him and my job and I've been lazy which is why we practically live together. I took the hour drive home and to work today, which if I may have to get used to but honestly I booked a hotel for Thursday to Monday so I can be close to my job and friends. I'll be staying with friends tonight and tomorow as well.

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You're right. I've been hanging out with my girls, and even tonight we're going to a movie, Magic game on Wed and out to a club, then Thursday doing a wine night. I am in my career and my job makes me happy, I volunteer with the church on Sundays, I mean I have a life but I love spending time with my boyfriend too.

 

I can honestly see where you're coming from and I guess spending more time away from my boyfriend wouldnt be such a horrible thing, I just hate driving an hour to my parents house (I had to move back there after a horrible roomate situation, and now i'm just saving money to get a house)

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Do you think that he feels he shows his appreciation just by spending time with me?[/b]

 

Are you kidding me? Read this again:

 

He says he loves me, and I know he does but I just feel so unappreciated. If I wasn't to call or text him during the day he wouldn't do the same for me. I always tell him, call me or text...when I'm working late or weekends so we can hang out afterwards and I don't hear back from him unless I initiate a text/call. I put everything out there on the line and told him how I felt on Sunday. I can count 3 things he does or has done for me to show me appreciation. 1) he opens the car door and any door for me everytime... which I expect bc it's a gentleman thing to do but never the less I appreciate it. 2) he bought me a spa package to this day spa in Orlando and it was a just because kind of thing and I love it! 3) he lets me stay with him so I don't have to drive back to leesburg everyday and I love him for that... but at the same time its made me feel like we basically live together and he's just gotten comfortable.

 

Pretty much, you're settling for crumbs. Is that what you want?

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Seriously you have to stop doing his house chores and treating him like a king. Especially if you think you are not getting the attention you deserve. Do me a favor and focus on YOU. Make yourself happy, and let HIM worry about whether he is giving you enough attention! You're young, have fun!

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Coming from a now former relationship where my ex-gf did many of the same things you did, i began to feel smothered. There was almost an expectation that I had to reciprocate everything. It became a little bit like a pissing contest at times and a one-upping thing. I would agree in a sense with the others that you have become too available. Let him know he is not the center of the universe and watch things change. Good luck

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got it... he says he loves my messages and the dinners and all that I do for him though. And I've said before if Im ever too much let me know... and he says know and i quote " i really am the luckiest man in the world" is what he says, and that he "can't wait to spend the rest of his life" with me.

 

Do you think that he feels he shows his appreciation just by spending time with me?

 

I think you've gone way over the top with treating him like a baby. It's one thing to take good care of him and make his day easier and yadda yadda yadda... but it's a whole other ball game to do every little miniscule thing for him! It seems like you've completely lost yourself in this relationship.

 

And he's probably one of those people who thinks won't know what he's got until he's lost it. So stop it! At the very least stop doing every single little itty bitty thing for him. I mean is it fair that you do ALL this and he just enjoys it and opens a door for you. Do you see the imbalance here? I don't care how much you love him- love is 2 ways, not one way times 2(000 in your case).

 

And I'm one of those people who doesn't take words as truth nor do I take actions as truth I take both. He can say all that and more... but if he doesn't show it, it means next to nothing. And if all he does is show love but never says anything either, his actions are not enough. So for me it's not one or the other it's both.

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You definitely need to back off and let him come to you. It's the whole "no guy wants a dead deer on their front porch, they want to go out and kill it themselves" thing. Yes, gross analogy, but unfortunately true. As much as we would like to think that men are evolved enough to be over all of the games and the "chase" it has to do with how they are wired and genetics. They do like the hunt and maybe you need to let him chase you for a while. I too am a pleaser. When I love someone I like to show it through my actions. There is nothing wrong with this, but when you are giving and never getting you need to reassess things..... My favorite quote is by Marlo Thomas "Equality is not about being treated equally to a man, it is about treating yourself the way you treat a man". You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and if he is not willing to do it you need to do it for yourself.

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There's so much I could say but I'll settle for two things:

 

1) Someone wise once told me that if you sell something at a low price, people will just assume that's all it's worth.

 

If you give and give and give and give with nothing in return of course he is going to devalue you. You have pretty much said "I'll be the perfect maid and groupie for free... for next to nothing from you". So now he thinks what he has must not be worth very much.

 

2) The perfect girlfriend to you might be what you describe. To me it sounds (like I said above) like the perfect hired help + groupie. Not a partner. To me the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend is a partner. What is the perfect girlfriend to him? I would feel extremely suffocated by all your affection. It's too much. There's no balance there. I'm guessing he feels the same way. Overwhelmed and a bit scared. Not scared of commitment - scared for you. Of where you must be mentally (NOT an insult here) to be willing to give so much, so continuously, without reserving something for you.

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Ok, I've listened to all of you somewhat bash me as a person and I can take that. I re-read everything I wrote and would like to clarify that it's not everyday I'm giving him back massages and buying him things. I've left cute lil notes twice since we've been together. As for dinner, we decided what we like to eat and since he gets off later than me, I go ahead and start cooking because I hate eating too late.

 

I do so much for him because it's the type of person I am, I can't help it. But please don't get it twisted, I do for myself too. I buy myself things all the time, clothes, jewelry. I used to get my hair done every two weeks but stopped for about 5 months to give myself a break from all the chemical treatments.

 

Since we basically live together, all of our laundry is in the same pile. If I'm washing my clothes, why not throw his in too? I don't think that's being a maid to him, I think that's just being productive.

 

Ok I see it may be a bit too much to make his bed for him, when we sleep in it together, and pick up his clothes he's thrown on the floor. I went over to his house yesterday to get some jeans since I haven't been staying there and caught myself cleaning up after him and immediately stopped and just threw everything back on the bed. It was an eye opening moment for me.

 

I moved in with him and he cleared out an entire side of his closet for me. We have been basically been living together and thought nothing of it.

 

He does have two roomates, one a guy, and one a girl. The girl loves the fact that I'm around so there's more estrogen and more cleanliness in the house.

 

To keep everyone updated, last night my boyfriend called me at 9pm. I asked him what he had on his mind because I need to know where we stand and how he feels since I haven't been back to his place in like 4-5 days.

 

He tells me that he needs his space and that I shouldn't live there any more. His reasoning for this is that his male roommate which has been a good friend of his since high school says that the water bill is up due to my showers and I don't pay rent. Plus my boyfriend doesn't hang out with the boys anymore he just stays home. (I have my girls nights all the time at least 2x a week and I tell my boyfriend to go out with his friends but he says he's tired, or doesn't want to spend money, or doesn't feel like going out to the club...so using me as a reason is bogus!)

 

Funny he should say that since last week he was telling my boyfriend, that he loved having me there because I make their apartment a better place since it's always smelling nice and looking clean.

 

I would also like to add that his roommates ex girlfriend used to live there too, didnt pay rent, and was there everyday. Didnt clean up anything, just lounged around.

 

My boyfriend says his feelings haven't changed at all, and he loves me just the same but his roommate made him realize that maybe we were staying together too soon. He never realized it until his roommate brought it up.

 

Well my actual address is an hour away from my job since I moved back to my parents house after a horrible rooomate situation. It was great not to pay rent and be with my boyfriend. He says that he did take me for granted and didnt feel the need to text or call me because he knew he would be seeing me when he got home. I really don't think I can make the hour drive to work each day, especially when my job has me working really late somedays and more than 40 hours a week. I think my best bet is to just move back to Orlando.

 

Only time will tell if my boyfriend means what he says, that he loves me just the same. We haven't spent any time together and it's killing me.

 

Taking everyone's advice yesterday I went to the spa and got a pedicure and my hair done. I feel great and it's just time to focus more time on myself.

 

If my boyfriend loves and appreciates me the way he says he does, he'll make the time to see me, text me, call me, whatever, and in the mean time, as hard as it will be... I'm just going to focus on finding an apartment and spoiling myself!

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^ Well done.

 

Notice how none of his roomates or their gf's mentioned loving having YOU around? ALl they ever said was because you cook and clean. Hmm, I think.

 

Either way, do the YOU thing, that's great. And if he does mean what he says he will call and text and make time for you- that is what love is. Love means giving as much as recieving. You've given too much, and you have yet to receive.

 

So basically back off (which you've done) and see if he comes running.

 

Hope all goes well.

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I really like the conclusion you've come to.

 

Sorry for jumping to conclusions but it's hard to make comments when you only have a tiny sound byte of your life based on the post you make to work from..

 

I've had experiencing working a job where hours are more than 40 per week and living (and driving) anywhere between 60-90 minutes depending on traffic to get there, and another 60-90 to get back. It can be dangerously tiring and enormously frustrating. Definitely not a long term situation you want to be in..

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Well things are still crazy because hasn't really taken the time to talk to me. I've gotten a message or two that say I miss you and hope you're having a good day with a lil smiley face or

 

When I text him last night we needed to talk because I was confuse, he said ok, we'll talk tomorrow, I guess making the time last night was not going to happen, he was out with his boss and his friend/roommate (who by the way is talking all kinds of ish about me on facebook...i've never done anything to him and here he is bashing me). Oh well so today we are supposed to talk. I'm in my hotel just chilling about to move to my next hotel (I got a better rate at a hotel downtown thats really nice) I'll keep everyone updated on how this conversation goes...not only do I feel unappreciated but now I just feel like I dont even have a boyfriend anymore...

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You've settled into a very one sided relationship. And I tend to do the same thing. What I've learned is to always keep a (I hate the word, but) tally in the back of my head as to who's done what for whom. Sure, it's not always perfectly balanced. But by doing that, it helps me keep things in perspective. In all of my relationships, we have usually split everything financially. We go out to dinner and I buy one time, she buys the next time. We don't bother dragging out the calculators at the end of every meal, but this is an easy way to keep things reasonably fair and balanced.

 

To illustrate: When I'm picking up some hair gel for her because I'm at the store anyway and I noticed she's out, and I think "what the hell am I doing this for?" Or, "when's the last time she's done something like this for me?" I'll have been keeping a tally and have my answer. Usually, I'll have a list of nice things (not necessarily hair gel related) that she's done for me. And every once in a while, I'll put the hair gel back on the shelf.

 

When you're a giver, it's not easy to pull these things back. But you have to. And you have to realize that not everyone is like us. Just because they don't notice you're low on hair gel and pick some up for you, doesn't mean they don't love you or aren't thinking about you.

 

If you keep giving and giving, and then feel unappreciated, you'll build up resentment. That will get you and your relationship nowhere. And, believe me, the same thing will happen in your next relationship. Guaranteed. Since you seem otherwise very happy with your guy, now may be a good time to work on adjusting your behavior pattern. You will both benefit from it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well I feel its necessary to let you all know the conclusion of things. My boyfriend and I took a step back from each other... I gave him the space he needed as we discussed before and I moved into this awesome apartment downtown. Him saying he needed space was not talking to me and getting his thoughts together before just saying whatever came to his mind in a conversation with me. He was upset to think that I would even think that he doesn't appreciate me. When he was able to get his thoughts together he came to my hotel to pick me up for lunch and we wen't down to the lake and had a fabulous lunch and discussion on how we both like to be appreciated. It was an eye opening experience for both of us. I do too much for him to even try to do things for me. I'm a planner and before he can even plan things out, I've already done things. So I have to hold myself back which I've been doing and give him the chance to do things. It has been a world of difference, and since he doesnt see me everyday because I'm not staying at his apt, he calls, and messages me throughout the day saying how much he loves me... he will leave me a little note when I'm at his place, gives me back massages, makes sure that dinners ready if I come over and he's cooking. I know how much he loves me and it shows. I guess I was a bit overwhelming, well I KNOW I was ha-ha but I knew that writing to a post where people have no clue who I am, I would get unbiased opinions, as harsh as some of them were, but everyone kept it real.

 

Thanks!

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