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Getting sucked back into my old ways?- the journal of truth

Vanishing Girl

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Hi there all! This is part "journal" entry and part "feel free to make comments if you want to" kind of post.


I feel stuck. If you read my prior posts you know that I have many many issues. I have been working on them for a couple years now...just trying to notice my patterns and change the ones that I don't like or that don't serve me well. I am the happiest I've ever been in a relationship and actually I am the happiest I've been in life. So, what's the problem?


It seems as though I can be happy and then all of a sudden for no actual reason I get bummed out. I start to look at all the negatives around me (hence getting sucked back in to old patterns) and everyday tasks start to feel like a struggle.


Lately, when I get into that kind of mood I start to feel like life is pointless. I can't seem to make decisions (like what i want my career to be- right now i work as an insurance agent and hate it)...about work, about if i want children, about if i want the house we're currently living in (as opposed to selling it and getting a cheap apartment). I know I want to travel, and I also know that takes money and time to save up for it, but aside from travel I don't even know what I want out of my life. I am an impatient person and I feel like even if i did know what I want it would take forever to get it and that would frustrate the hell out of me. It feels like i have nothing to look forward to.


On the other hand, I feel guilty. Everywhere around me people are getting laid off and having their house repossed... There are so many people who would do anything to have a job and in essence have what i have and I don't appreciate any of it at all. I would gladly give it up to any of them.


I know at one time i knew the answer to this....is it that i am not happy with whats in my life or am is my perception just that messed up?


ugh.....well thats all for now. I'm going to keep at this and see what more i can learn about myself from this situation. I just had a client call whose husband left her, she's jobless, and has a handicapped child to care for, so I guess I really need to keep thing in perspective because there is always someone out there who has it WAY WORSE than we do.



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It's good you already know you want to travel and I think a big part of how awesome is travelling isn't just the trip itself but making plans, researching where you want to go and why as well as other minor things like what you are going to wear, so, maybe seeing things more like a road than a goal could help you be more patient.


And well, the thing with comparisons is that same as you don't feel better when you put yourself "next to" somebody who is supposed to be more successful, with more money, etc. you won't feel better just by paying attention to those who are less fortunate than you, there's no "standard" for how a life should be, ugly people can be happy, lonely people can be happy, and basically any person can be happy or miserable depending on if they like what they are doing or not.


Maybe your perception of your life AND your life is the same thing, but you don't have to change your life and you don't have to accept it as it is, what I believe is most important is liking who you are.


Of course, if you don't like something about yourself you can always try to change/improve it, specially if you do know what could be preventing you from enjoying what's around you.

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