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Letter to the ex?


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Hi all,


I've been in NC for 20 days with my ex. She is working interstate at the moment but will be returning home in 2 weeks. We broke up while she was visiting me almost a month ago. It was a difficult break up.


I am wondering if it is ok to write a hand written letter and mail it to her. This would of course violate the NC rule. It could be a stupid mistake, it could turn the tides, we can never really know because everyone's case is different.


I've done heaps of work on myself during this NC period. I'm feeling very good about myself actually. I went over our "break up emails" and I've been reading lots about relationships. I've come to the conclusion that despite the actual reasons she gave me for leaving, the real reason is that I didn't treat her well emotionally: that I NEGLECTED her for too long. She was drained and stopped trying, she drifted apart, I wasn't even aware of it - I thought it was from other reasons.


So I've written a draft letter about my feelings and all learnings from our time apart. There's no desperation in there, no neediness, just an explanation for what went wrong on my part, a brief apology and statement for desire to reconcile. I end it by saying that no matter what happens between us, I am doing great things and look forward to the future with or without her - which is true. I'm not sure if I'm going to send this or not. Probably not though.


I know some people will automatically say breaking NC is a bad idea. But NC is meant to broken at some point when the dumpee feels strong and happy again. So can NC be broken with a letter or must be a phone call? Is bringing up the past in a letter a bad thing to do? If is not negative but constructive then is it ok to discuss it?


Your thoughts?

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You're fooling only yourself if you think you're strong and happy. You're also only fooling yourself if you think you've addressed the problems that caused the break-up in fact I'd venture to say your just scratching the surface. Right now the only thing you are sure about is that you're hurt, scared, and alone. There's a cycle you go through when confronted with a loss, I'm guessing you are probably in the denial phase.


You'd do anything to get her back, right? Well then...


You need to give her time and space. Take the advice of the hundreds of people on ENA, let her go for right now. You need to step back and let her breath and think. She needs to miss you. She needs to feel this loss also. At this point she is more than likely just angry and hurt yet.


Yeah... I know... your love is different though, there's never been a love/relationship like you two had, and she'd want you to start hounding her about how you metamorphosed in the last 15-20 days completely changing your life for the better. She also needs to know how much you love her and how sorry you are and if she comes back things will be different. You’re not the first to think this way… it’s a process everyone goes through.


So really think about your next actions. We’re only trying to help.



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You're right, I will maintain NC - I guess I had a weak moment yesterday. Don't we all!? Thanks for helping me identify my insecurity and crushing it into oblivion.




But seriously, I know that I HAVE NOT CHANGED who I am fundamentally. I wouldnt even bother trying to convince her of that because it's impossible to change so quickly. But if you knew what I had been doing in this period of NC you'd be surprised.

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Good for you then. Keep on that path. Stay focused and positive because things always seem to work them selves out in the end.


Seriously... I know it seems wrong but stepping back from her to let her cool off and think will help. Give her time. She will miss you. You need to also understand and prepare for that it may be "over" for now. Sometimes that's the case. But by doing the right things, i.e giving her time and space, respecting her decisions you'll make and leave a much better impression.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Actually in "how to heal a heart in 30 days" the author talks of checking in after 2 weeks to finally get some closure from questions asked upon which time you then enact NC (ps don't you just love the title! If only it were that easy lol!)


But that one "tip" did make sense to me as at the time like many of us however I was so ambiguous about getting back together ie I felt both relief but also regret ...and because of some of the ops very reasons too (especially my frustration at her 18 year old daughter.


So I was plagued by the "I could have done things differently" ghosts from the town of "If only...." but was I only fooling myself too? ie how much can we do we really change?


But by this time it had been 7 weeks and some hostile emails (initiated by me to which her guns came out too) and the other dude had moved into my spot .


Then over the next few months came actual lengthy emails of regret from me too ie "I wished I would have been more loving to her daughter or that we could have communicated better or blah blah blah s 100 other things..." but as a friend pointed out in none of them did I say I wanted to try again...was it ego or that I truly wished some things had been different but weren't so a part of me in fact didn't want to return...despite many good times etc...can anyone relate?


In short NC is a set of guidelines...I now have almost no compulsion to any longer contact my ex as per her closure emails to me ("I never loved you") hey it hurt but maybe just what the doctor ordered too.

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