Just a girl.

[vertigoxo]

I am 18 years old, and feel like the shortest, tiniest girl in the world; With all the tall and beautiful girls with their big lips and huge breasts, their glimmering highlights cascading into every strands of hair that hits the sun.

 

I'm so ugly. But nobody agrees with me. They say, "Oh, Jamie! You're so beautiful. Oh, Jamie, your dark hair, your hourglass figure. Oh, oh, oh!"

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's illegal in the codes of normality in society. Marilyn Manson would understand me better than my own mother.

 

I broke up with my ex boyfriend weeks ago. We used to be so in love, so happy. Other girls were so jealous of our happiness, and did everything in their power to ruin our happiness. Well.... they won.

 

Heartbroken!

 

He carries on in life as if I never left a trace in his life. He used to be a punk boy, with his black eyeliner and black nail polish, his obsession with cutting. Everything about his wardrobe and life basically was ink black... But then as I came into his life, it all changed; He was happier, freerer, his friends noticed it. They thank me for coming into his life...

 

Now he wears aviators, he smirks at other ladies, and pretending I never even existed.

 

CAN YOU NOT SEE, I'M DOING THIS FOR THE BETTER?

 

But... I'm coping.

 

I am who I am. Just a girl.

[vertigoxo]

A month later, he runs into the arms of an ex girlfriend, notorious for being a horrible, back-stabbing cheater. It hurts that he has to go that low. I don't think he ever loved me to begin with, and loved her this whole time. I guess I never meant the world to him after all.

 

I'm not sure how long it's been since I began strict NC, but I should be around day 20 or so. I'm trying my hardest. I have my good days, and my bad days. With the comfort of friends and family though, it's getting better and better each day.

 

I HOPE I MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM, THOUGH.

 

I hope my kisses, my advices, my love, my care, my dreams of him at night, my tears for him, was all worth it. But I guess with his continious effort of hurting me after the break up, and him running to her a month later, that no, it never meant anything to him.

 

I have felt a lack of care of his part during our relationship in the past. He was always with his friends, never taking atleast 5 minutes out of his damn time to call me just to say those sweet, sweet words;

 

"I love you, Jamie."

 

Nope. It was way too hard for him to commit to that. Guess another reason I left him and felt it was a good idea.

 

Lately I've been swinging back and forth; Me knowing my decision was for the best, and me hoping he will one day talk to me. It's hard to know that, after 1.5 years together, he would stop loving and caring for me just like that. Is that even possible? Does he hate me now, even though he doesn't admit it to everyone?

 

It's hard. It's hard to know someone out there is probably thinking, "What a brat. What a spoiled, horrible brat, doing this to me! I hope she dies soon, and quickly!"

 

He is so immature. Our mutual friend, good friend both to me and him, even agrees he was being a horrible person. I can only hope that he's atleast happy, even though he is probably wishing deadly wrath on me right now.

[vertigoxo]

So I woke up feeling sad today. Yeah. I hate it when I have to wake up like that. I keep thinking about him, and it sucks to know that he hates my guts now.

 

So I've been having a few goals that I'd like to achieve now that I'm single.

 

- Nautical Star Tattoo on my upper back

- Getting back in shape

- Get a job at the ever all-mighty McDonald's (God shoot me.)

- Gauge my ears! Always wanted to do it. I should be descreet about it though so my parents won't freak.

- Learn how to speak french.

 

I'm so pathetic. But these goals are all I got right now.