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What To Do About Break Up Guilt
What To Do About Break Up Guilt

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Here's my story: I met my ex at a religious organization. We started to like each other because we were the two most involved people there. He broke up with me 7 months ago and just wanted to be friends. I couldn't bear to see him so I, regrettably, had to stop going to the religious organization. Most of my friends were through the organization and I couldn't tolerate seeing them either, because it just reminded me of him, so I stopped hanging out with them too. My ex kept calling me even though I told him I couldn't be friends with him, and I kept answering because I was hoping that he would change his mind. Eventually, when I realized he wasn't going to stop calling and wasn't going to change his mind, I stopped answering. We got back together very briefly twice, because he misled me and made me think that he wanted to be together, and then after one night together he acted like friends again. I finally realized how much he was messing with me and stopped having contact with him about 3 months ago, except for responding to a message he sent me when an important event in my family happened (all I said was "thanks"). So now, I haven't seen him in almost 4 months and I haven't responded to his calls or e-mails at all in about 2 months. He hasn't tried to contact me in a few weeks, which is making me a little more depressed, because he probably isn't thinking about me anymore. I still miss him everyday, think about him all the time, dream about him every night, really want to be with him. Not going to anything at the religious organization has made this even harder for me, because I used to go to everything, but I know that seeing him will hurt so much and just make everything harder.

 

Tomorrow there is an event at the organization that is really important and its something that I really don't want to miss. I'm 95% sure he will be there, and its a pretty small organization so I won't be able to avoid him. I can't decide if I should break NC and go to the event. Every time there is an event there that I wish I could go to I feel awful about not being able to go, but there hasn't been anything this important since I stopped going. I already told the people who run the organization that I would go, but I can call and tell them I won't be able to. I know that I will also feel awful if I do see him because it will make me miss him SO much more (even though that doesn't even seem possible). I know I'm going to feel awful whether I go or not, so I really don't know what to do. What do you think? Should I break NC and go?

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Break no-contact? Huh...?!? You first have to have a no-contact situation to break. You've been floundering around in limited contact for seven months thus why you're still feeling the hurt of a fresh break-up. So what's it matter if you go? Nothing. Another day in limited contact. Hey and maybe a little EX sex too.

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You're giving up what sounds like a very important part of your life just to avoid him. It might hurt to see him but if this organisation is important to you then you're going to want to get back into it eventually - better get it over with!

 

It'll probably sting at first, but you'll have the support of your organisation back, and hopefully your friends as well, and you can't let the fact that he's treated you badly dictate how you live your life.

 

I'd go. What's really the worst that can happen? You'll see him, it probably won't feel very nice, but then it'll be over and the world won't have ended, and you might even feel better about going back another time.

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Badman, I really hope you're being sarcastic. I can't think of anything that would hurt me more. Yes, for 5 months I was in and out of LC, but I've been in solid NC for 2 months. If I keep making excuses like that ("just another day in LC"), I'll never maintain a significant period of NC.

 

Kitten: For me, its not going to be over when I leave the event. Actually, I think I'll be perfectly fine while I'm there. The pain will hit me a few hours later, and will probably last a few weeks or more. I know what you're saying about having to go back eventually, but if I'm still going there and seeing him every week I will NEVER get over him. I'm not even considering going regularly again, especially when I can't even decide if I should go just for this one thing.

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Well, you only have two options.

 

Go, accept that it might hurt a lot but try and make the best of it, enjoy the event and possibly discover it isn't quite as bad as you expecting.

 

Don't go, avoid the hurt seeing him might incur, but miss the event you're looking forward to.

 

We can't make that decision for you I'd go. Men come and go, how much he hurts you will fade eventually but it sounds like you care about this organisation. It'd be a shame to lose that over a relationship that won't have any power over you in a few years, maybe even months.

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Yes, you should go. Don't avoid things you want to do in life for another person. Maybe this will even help you get over him. You can practice being pleasant without being overly friendly. Don't hold a grudge. Afterall, this is a religious organization. Go and try to have fun. Be nice to him and give him as much contact as you feel comfortable with but don't be talked into spending alone time in the future if you don't think he wants to get back together. Good luck!

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