Maintaining the monogamy in the 21st century

[soundtheory]

I'm a long-time ena lurker, so I know what ALL (or most) of you think of cheating. It is awful, should be condemned, hurtful, and low. I'd agree with you all on that. It is painful.

 

However, I am beginning to doubt the kind of monogamy that society wants us to believe in. No, not because we have some "biological need" to have sex with everything around us. I was, for a long time, one of the many who would shout down any person who cheated. But after having been in many long-term relationships, I do not know how one could not "cheat" in one way or another--whether it is flirting with other people, chatting members of the other sex up on the internet, or just flat-out doing the deed. I believe that most people cheat, in one way or another. Some feel guilty, and some don't. Some find a way to justify their actions as innocent. As a result, I have a far more lax feeling towards cheating. For example, if my partner did it, it would not be a "dealbreaker" if we had been together for a long time.

 

The reason why I'm here is to ask you all just how you maintain the monogamy in the real world. No, i don't want to hear from all of you telling me how bad cheating is, how you should only ever feel sexually towards one person, and how if I do, I'm a bad person. I want to know how people stay away from emotional (as well as physical) infidelity in long term (2 yrs +) relationships? How can one person only commit to love one other person in a romantic way for their whole lives?

 

I believe that I have loved many people in my life already, I can't imagine being 70 and only having given my heart to one person. I especially would like to hear from people who have approaches outside of "do unto others as you would like done to you".

[Night Pumpkin]

That is a bit like asking how to do you not murder someone? I mean, most of us have done something (or lots of things) that have made up so angry we could commit murder, but we don't act on those feelings. How do you not cheat? You just don't do it.

 

I do think that cheating has a very specific meaning. It means giving physical affection (that would only be exclusive to a romantic relationship) to another person, or emotional infidelity.

 

Flirting with someone else is not cheating. It is inappropriate and wrong, but is not cheating. It is an invitation to cheat.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

when you have searched and searched to find someone you can love and feel connected to ... when you have dated and had many flops - people you just didn't feel that "connection" with... you will begin to appreciate when you have a connection.

 

for me, i dated a long time - i searched for someone that i can find that connection with- i have that connection with my fiance and i wouldn't give up for anything... its a bond that is shared between two people- and its more then sex - its an emotional connection- a trust and companionship .. and respect for that other person.

 

I think people put entirely too much emphasis on sex- that they don't work on actually building a relationship. so... going outside of the relationship seems .. ok to them. Its when you put your heart and soul into making a relationship work ... when you begin to develop a deep understanding of your partner- thats when the bond happens... its way more then just knowing every inch of their body .. its about knowing their mind, heart and soul.

 

at least thats what its about for me... others may disagree- but i wouldn't go outside my relationship and break the bond i have created with my fiance for anything or anyone.

[girl68]

I see what you're saying- makes sense a lot of it.

 

But what you describe may or may not be cheating. Because cheating is defined by many people in various degrees. Some think that cheating is only physical and only if it full on sex. Other think that cheating includes flirting with the opposite sex. It depends on the persons indiviual boundries. Cheating to you or me may or may not be cheating to the next person.

 

But I think that one time or another one party in the relationship is going to have thoughts/ flirtatcious (or much more) moments in the relationship that may be questionable. But again, this is going to depend on boundries. For me I classify a lot as cheating (flirty texts- would be too much for me to take for example) but at the same time, might I be guilty of sending or recieving one at some point in my relationship? Probably. What am I going to do about it? Nothing. I won't act on it, dwell on it- nor would I tell my partner. Is it bad? Yeah a little, is it a dealbreaker? No. Would it go beyond a little flattering feeling? No!

 

So I think yes, at one point or another my (and probably his) actions would be questionable at one point or another but as long as it isn't too much over the line, I think we'll live happily ever after. Ignorance is bliss... But of course there is a point where flirting should not exceed. But that is determined by each couple themselves. And yes, some cheating is most definitely a dealbreaker. Kisses and more as well as feelings of intense love or lust is way overstepping that line.

 

I don't know if that makes sense.

[HouseKitten]

Some feel guilty, and some don't. Some find a way to justify their actions as innocent.

 

I have a female friend who is married. She is openly very flirty with other men when she comes out, as her husband does not often come with her. One night she and I and a male friend of ours went to a club together and all three of us kissed each other, more than once. My friend then spent a lot of the night justifying her actions, saying she saw both of us as friends so it's not cheating because it doesn't mean anything etc etc etc.... her level of denial was insane but she's perfectly content living with that and acting like it's completely normal and okay.

 

I want to know how people stay away from emotional (as well as physical) infidelity in long term (2 yrs +) relationships?

 

Personally, I'm more susceptible to emotional infidelity. I used to play an mmorpg where the majority of players were men and you do form connections to people you play with. I definitely had crushes on a couple of guys and flirted with more than a few, even when I was in a relationship, though I never ever went any further than banter.

So since I know what I'm like and I don't want to be unfaithful, I stay away from temptation or make a concerted effort not to let myself slip into that kind of familiarity with someone that leads to an emotional connection.

 

Mostly, it's just about willpower. I don't want to cheat if I'm in a relationship, so I try not to put myself in situations where it's possible and if its unavoidable, I exercise restraint. Some people find it harder or just don't try

[lostandhurt]

I was in a 20 year relationship that ended with her betraying our family with some total loser.

It comes down to honesty with yourself. As described above many people justify they way they act and hurt the ones they are supposed to love. In the end you always know you have betrayed and lied even if no one else does. I was not raised that way. People are not disposable nor is love, respect and honor. If I was ever in a relationship that was failing I would end it completely BEFORE I ever considered anything or anyone else.

This seems more common today. Perhaps because female infidelty is rising and if it keeps going at the current rate will get close to male infidelity on day. Selfishness seems to go hand in hand with this terrible trend.

 

lost

[Hope75]

I would have to agree with this. I dated around and had a few 'long term' relationships (5 years, 2 years etc) and personally when I found my husband and developed this relationship with him over the last 6 1/2 years that became more important to me than the thrill of a new kiss, or flirting with someone else. For me our connection is something deep and lasting, something we cultivated over time that means more to me than anything I could find with someone else.

 

I've never cheated on anyone and although I've found members of the opposite sex attractive and been attracted to their personalities, I've never wanted to cheat with them.

 

Some people are wired differently I guess.

[Hope75]

I was in a 20 year relationship that ended with her betraying our family with some total loser.

It comes down to honesty with yourself. As described above many people justify they way they act and hurt the ones they are supposed to love. In the end you always know you have betrayed and lied even if no one else does. I was not raised that way. People are not disposable nor is love, respect and honor. If I was ever in a relationship that was failing I would end it completely BEFORE I ever considered anything or anyone else.

This seems more common today. Perhaps because female infidelty is rising and if it keeps going at the current rate will get close to male infidelity on day. Selfishness seems to go hand in hand with this terrible trend.

 

lost

 

Also agree with this 100%. I think it has a lot to do with your personal beliefs and morals, and I'm just not built that way. I've also been cheated on and it hurts, and I don't believe in treating others that way.

[Lissy]

Well, first of all, some of the things you mentioned could be perfectly innocent. Flirting is very subjective and I think it depends on how overt it is. Chatting up someone of the opposite sex over the Internet is also not in and of itself a problem. If it's someone who is just a friend and the conversations are just catching up or equally chatty, no harm done. But I have a friend whose fiance is currently having sexual conversations with other women on Facebook and that to me is cheating.

 

I don't think you should never feel sexually towards another person if you're with someone. You're married or together, but you're not dead. It's how you deal with the attraction that matters. Relationships are hard work and they need to be nurtured. If one or both people neglect that, it breaks down. Staying faithful to someone should not be difficult. If you find it difficult, then you probably need to consider leaving that relationship. When you love someone, you don't want to do anything that might hurt them. And you might be attracted to other people occasionally, but acting on that attraction shouldn't be a consideration. Not a serious one anyway.

 

You say you can't imagine being 70 and only giving your heart to one person. That's what I dream about! I don't want to go through life changing partners every few years. How tedious. I want to find something special and when I do, I will hold on to it with everything in me!

[soundtheory]

HHWH and Hope--

I see what you both are saying. The importance of your emotional connection and the relationship that you have built with your SO's is more important than any fleeting satisfaction that you might get from flirting or sex or getting emotionally involved with another person. Now--I'm not trying to be argumentative here, because I did ask the question and I appreciate your response--but I believe that, maybe, this doesn't work for all people. I have an older friend (in her 40's), who had her fair share of running around in her youth but who has since settled down with her husband and lives a peaceful life; however, she still expresses to me the fact that she has desires for other men, flirts with other men, and sometimes misses the days when she was single. Yes, she loves her husband and enjoys the stability of the relationship, but her heart hasn't entirely abandoned the past, it seems. Can some people do what you've described? I suppose so. But the posts here about people and relationships becoming old and stagnant and people moving on after 5, 10, 15 years of marriage...as well as the divorce rate...seem to indicate that the percentage of people who can subjugate these "superficial" desires is relatively small. Is it selfish? I guess.

 

Maybe I'm a bit jaded because my father cheated on my mother and vice versa. Maybe I'm jaded because, in my experience with relationships, you and your SO get comfortable and end up being a bit more like best friends than lovers. There is so much to deal with--finances, careers, the pressures of everyday life... We love our partners, we build our lives with them, and around them...I guess I am just beginning to feel like sex and attraction is such a small part of a long term relationship that I don't see why monogamy should be an issue that is pressed so hard in relationships.

 

Also, this seems to have a lot to do with what other people consider cheating. For some, flirting, sending sexy text messages or whatever is ok. Talking to random people online about sex might be ok...I mean, come on! you'll never meet them, right?! But isn't that still cheating? What about if you had a friend with whom you got very close, confided intimate details of your life to, felt a certain type of "love" for...The lines just seem to get blurry. And it depends on who is drawing the boundaries between "cheating" and "faithfulness".

[soundtheory]

No, I don't believe we should be changing partners like we change our socks.

But, really...I would like to know, in all honesty, what percentage of people who were married for an extended period of time but did not at least contemplate cheating or doing something that could be construed as such. I feel like we've been lied to...that even the generation before us, who we look to as being blissfully married for decades without cheating or anything, is just hiding behind a patriarchal facade of silence.

 

Can someone really remain that blissfully in love for their whole life? Can that love change, survive the test of time without one (or both) partners seeking (or, at least, secretly desiring) the excitement, newness, or thrill of something new?

[Lamour detruit]

Cheating in any way is not acceptable. However there is a thin line between just being a flirtatious person and actually meaning something with it. People may try to justify their actions all they want,but in the end what it comes down to is you betraying the person you are with.

 

If I want to flirt around or sleep around or be a manwhore, I do not commit...when I have a girl she is the only person that will get my attention in a serious flirting way, in seducing, in having sex,and in making love. Sexual attraction and desire for one another doesn't have to fade in a relationship, it is a shame it happens to a lot of people. There are a million things you can try out as a couple every day, whether it be positions, a walk through the woods,a trip to some where,new things to share. Yes, there are many attractive people out there, but attractive doesn't equal being interested in them.

 

I can see why people cheat,and certainly there are many reasons,but when that happens,something is wrong in the relationship you are in,and you aren't being satisfied in one shape or another, when that happens...Talk about it first,then see. If it works out,wonderful. If it doesn't,say your goodbye's...then do what you wish.

[thejigsup]

I do not condone cheating at all, but I have had much worse done to me. I would not like it if my bf cheated on me, but I would not leave him. Like I said, I have had much worse done to me. As far as I know, he hasn't, but after ten years I would not leave him for a simple affair. But this is just me, of course. I think cheating is pretty prevalent nowadays, really.

[tiredofvampires]

I especially would like to hear from people who have approaches outside of "do unto others as you would like done to you".

 

This is an interesting aside from the main thrust of your question.

 

Why would someone want to embrace an approach outside doing unto others? Are you suggesting that having a more liberal attitude about what constitutes cheating, or a more jaded attitude about its viability, that this equates with rejecting "do unto others"?

 

I think you can maintain a strong sense of "do unto others as you would like done to you" and still question whether or not monogamy is wired into us, and to what extent.

 

"Cheating", first of all, is not cheating unless you are deceiving someone. So if you are in a relationship where both parties are rather lax about the expectations of behavior with the opposite sex while in an LTR, then if the definition of "cheating" does not include flirting, then to go to a party and flirt would not be cheating. This goes all the way up to open partnerships, where outright partner swapping might be okay. Cheating to me is how you define your terms with your SO. So there is no absolute definition of what it is and isn't, it's dependent upon the views, tolerance and terms of each person and couple.

 

For me, it would not be cheating to flirt with a man with a bit of saucy innuendo, and I would not expect my partner to refrain from this sort of thing with a woman. If I have an attractive and charismatic partner (which I'd hope to have), I pretty much expect that it's a little unrealistic to be asking he contain himself so as to pretend female attention doesn't exist. It does, and it will. Facts of life. I should hope that he be such a vibrant man. And I would hope he be glad to have a woman who is equally vibrant.

 

Where I'd start to feel a line is being crossed is if the innuendo started to go down the lines of some sort of proposition. At that point, I'd say thanks, but no thanks.

 

Because like HHWH and Hope, I value my SO way too much and the intimacy I've worked to attain with them, in every way possible, to merely "entertain" myself with another person. Especially at this stage in my life, whoever becomes my final partner (if that ever comes), I'll have dragged myself over hot coals to find that intimacy, security, loyalty and love that I'm hoping for. For me, sex is a bit of a sacrament. It's not that I haven't had some messing around that was nice with men while not in LTRs, but it always had an unfulfulling element to it and I held back from giving myself to it completely. Because I just need to know that someone is there for the long haul. For the very reason that sex is not the crux of a relationship, OP, I feel that it's not something I'd naturally want to seek out with a person just for its own sake. But I understand what you are saying, that if sex is overhyped, why should it be a make-or-break element.

 

I find your views very refreshing actually, as someone who has a more liberal attitude about sexuality and jealousy. As I've said elsewhere on this board, I am a low jealousy, high fidelity person. Meaning that I want to allow for us to have a few straying thoughts without being mired in guilt, but I also want to know that at the end of the day, neither of us would choose anyone but each other. I'd like to actually know that even with lots of temptation, neither of us would feel compelled to act on it because outside of moral reasons, we don't need anything more to gratify us except each other.

 

Like you though, IF my partner did slip up and cheat on me physically, I think even though I'd feel deeply wounded, if it seemed like a one-time event, I believe I could work through this. As you say, the notion of the lifetime marriage with all its stature in most cases, if you look into the couple's life, you will find that at least one of the partners did cheat in some way. Either by overcoming an infatuation, or physically. If my relationship came down to an emotional or physical affair, I'd have to ask what is going wrong in the relationship and try to fix it, rather than just trash it right away. I believe that if my partner not only loves me but is IN LOVE with me over the course of a lifetime, that is an immunization of sorts; and should the "in love" part start to fade, that would be something we'd have to work on together, to keep it alive, so that the spectre of cheating (which is really about getting needs met somewhere else) doesn't even have a chance.

[rocka_betty]

I think honesty and respect are a major factor. Also an open mind, You can still be in a monogamous relationship and spice the sex life up with other sexual partners. Threesomes aren't a crime when there is trust.

[ScorpiGal83]

Getting married too young, before you are emotionally mature to handle a monogamous relationship, and before you've really seen what is out there to determine what you really want, is I feel a major reason people cheat.

 

Once the romantic love stage is over, and reality sets in, married couples (who get married too young) start wondering what else is out there and if they;re wasting their youth. It's only natural.

 

I'm not saying people should spend their youth * * * * ting it out. They should just spend it getting to know who they are, what they want in a relationship, and feel 100% sure of THEMSELVES (and not JUST their partner, which is a mistake) before getting married or settling down with someone as a life partner.

 

This is just what I think really... hope it makes sense.

[catwalk]

Can someone really remain that blissfully in love for their whole life? Can that love change, survive the test of time without one (or both) partners seeking (or, at least, secretly desiring) the excitement, newness, or thrill of something new?

Yes, you can remain blissfully in love for your whole life (or when you meet 'the one') but that doesn't mean you shouldn't cut yourself off from love either.

 

Love shouldn't be like a pie chart that you divide up... boyfriend from 18-21 years old you get 10% of my heart, boyfriend #2 was a jerk so you get 0%, husband gets 70% to leave room for others...

 

I don't believe in sexual monogamy. It doesn't make sense. Just because I am in a relationship does not mean I own his crotch region. I also don't own his heart, but hopefully I can help him increase his capacity to love, not assign me a slice.

 

I've been in a happy polygamist relationship for a few years now (total relationship time of over 6 years) and I hope any relationships in the future will be this way as well.

[Hope75]

I don't believe in sexual monogamy. It doesn't make sense. Just because I am in a relationship does not mean I own his crotch region. I also don't own his heart, but hopefully I can help him increase his capacity to love, not assign me a slice.

 

I don't think in a healthy relationship either partner believes he or she 'owns' the other's crotch region or sexuality as you so eloquently put it. It's more of a choice. I can't control what my husband does with his penis or who he uses it with. He can't control who I give my affection and sex to either. But, given the depth of our commitment and relationship with one another, I can hope he will make the choice to be with only me, and if he decides otherwise, I can decide if this is the kind of relationship I want to continue in. And the same goes for him. We are both here of our free will, not because we are each other's 'property'. Exclusivity does not equate being someone's property, although maybe it did 100 years ago.

[rocio]

I'm not really sure. I do think that cheating would be a dealbreaker for me, more for the disrespect. But I don't necessarily expect that I will be all my husband ever needs for the rest of his life. I wouldn't want him to stay monogamous with me just for the sake of the marriage institution, if he could truly be happier in another situation.

 

Its not quite as straightforward for me as it is for other people, I suppose.