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An Inner Conflict


Ms Darcy

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Friends,

 

I am hoping for a little positive encouragement. I posted this elsewhere and I am hoping for additional perspectives. Overall, I'm feeling more positive, I just wanted to share my story:

 

I've been dating this guy unofficially for 6 months, officially bf/gf for 4. We have developed this really trusting, caring relationship - especially recently. It was rough in the beginning because he was depressed and we started slowly as he was just getting over another breakup.

 

I am a virgin. It's a fact that he respects yet gives him trepidation. The last time we got intimate, it hurt me and I think I rejected him by verbally expressing that it hurt and making him stop. We talked. Before then, he'd emphasized that he didn't want the relationship to be about sex. During the talk, he expressed that sex is important to him and that it's been an important part of past relationships. We have discussed concrete timelines for us to have sex, so he knows that while I'm not ready for it tomorrow, I look forward to taking that step with him. I'm 27; he's 35.

 

He's wonderful and I can't ask for anything more ... I guess my question is, how to stop myself from questioning everything? He's mentioned that he had a very passionate relationship with his ex and it makes me wonder why we don't have that. But then again, I don't necessarily want that because mixed with 'passionate make-up sex' was also 'frequent conflict' and of course a break-up.

 

I think I'm wanting my cake and to eat it too. I don't know. I just don't get the sense that he DESIRES me (sometimes just not as often as I would like). I don't know if some of this is my insecurity. (I can get very insecure about myself and scent and look around that lovely time of the month). I've asked him casually and he says 1) he does desire me, he just doesn't show it and 2) he's really tried to take this relationship slow. He acknowledges that I've been robbed of a passionate relationship because we are so intellectual and calm about taking things slowly.

 

Even writing this, I can tell that my concerns stemmed from questions about my own attractiveness and comparing us to his last relationship. He notes that the friendship that we've developed is the most important thing to him. That frustrates me a little. I want to be wanted - or at least I want to hear it when he does. I want a relationship - in my mind a friendship plus passion.

 

I'd love to hear different perspectives: women, men, people with lots of dating experiences, marrieds, singles. All. Thanks for listening.

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Haha, yes. We talked about July or August. He said: "Definitely before the end of the year."

 

you may be looking at this the wrong way then. You should set your virginity to a calendar date, not only is it unromantic it isnt practical. Think about it, you have been waiting for the right guy, you didnt say 'well i have to lose my virginity by the time i am--' No, you waited for the right one. Why should this feel like an obligation?

when you are ready you will know, you will want to do it nothing has changed that fact.

If you want to do it now then you know its going to hurt, you sound like one of the many that are going to have a hell of a time with the first time or two.

Unless you want to start having foreplay that includes smaller sized toys, this will slowly acclimate your muscles to larger objects. So your first time will be enjoyable for both of you if this is done correctly.

What else have the two of you done intimately?

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call me crazy- but i'm a little confused..

 

you aren't ready to have sex- but you want him to desire you.. do you think thats fair to him?

 

if you want to build the relationship witout "sex" being a part of it right now- then you can't expect him to be drooling over you for the next 6 months.. lol

 

sorry i just that was a little unfair on your part- maybe i'm missing something.

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As a guy I can tell you this.

You want to wait and he is respecting that. This is very good. BUT! Controlling our desires knowing it will go nowhere is difficult. Let me put it this way. His motor is always running for you but he doesn't want to get it to rev'ed up because he knows you want to wait. Passion and desire feed on themselves for men. Once you are intimate with him I think you will see what I am talking about.

 

I also think you will be kicking yourself for waiting. Yes it can be that good.

 

good luck

 

Lost

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I think if you are in a stable relationship with him and feel comfortable I don't see what the problem is?

 

I don't see how you are trying to have your cake and eat it too?

 

Thank you Shoefairy. I think I am making the mistake that I want to compare to his ex because he had so much physical passion with her. Except, of course, we aren't that physically intimate. It was a bad train of thought, I admit. Very bad on my part. Not good to try to compete with the past.

 

Having my cake is having this guy who respects me enough to wait. Eating it too is having him want me so bad he can barely stand it.

 

You know, the more I write this, the more I realize I was being pretty silly.

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call me crazy- but i'm a little confused..

 

you aren't ready to have sex- but you want him to desire you.. do you think thats fair to him?

 

if you want to build the relationship witout "sex" being a part of it right now- then you can't expect him to be drooling over you for the next 6 months.. lol

 

sorry i just that was a little unfair on your part- maybe i'm missing something.

 

I think you said it perfectly. It is a little unfair to him. If it helps, I'm much closer to ready than I was a few months ago. It feels like he is the right person and this is the right relationship.

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As a guy I can tell you this.

You want to wait and he is respecting that. This is very good. BUT! Controlling our desires knowing it will go nowhere is difficult. Let me put it this way. His motor is always running for you but he doesn't want to get it to rev'ed up because he knows you want to wait. Passion and desire feed on themselves for men. Once you are intimate with him I think you will see what I am talking about.

 

I also think you will be kicking yourself for waiting. Yes it can be that good.

 

good luck

 

Lost

 

LOL, thank you lost. That makes a lot of sense and I appreciate hearing that perspective. When he said that he does often desire me, he just doesn't show it, I was shocked. I had no idea. I can see now why he restrains himself. I respect him more. He did mention something once about trying to not get himself going in thinking about it. I guess that's the revving huh?

 

So ... it's that good?

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Thank you all for your help on this one!

 

During moments of doubt, it's pretty easy to start questioning things like why don't we have a passionate relationship? Why doesn't he desire me? What's wrong with me?

 

Thank you for the perspective. My bf and I did the right thing (at least for us) and took the relationship slow. As such, of course it's not going to be passionate, but it's still very sweet and loving. I will continue to wait and communicate with him about my levels of comfort in terms of physical intimacy. Thanks again!

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Thank you Shoefairy. I think I am making the mistake that I want to compare to his ex because he had so much physical passion with her. Except, of course, we aren't that physically intimate. It was a bad train of thought, I admit. Very bad on my part. Not good to try to compete with the past.

 

Having my cake is having this guy who respects me enough to wait. Eating it too is having him want me so bad he can barely stand it.

 

You know, the more I write this, the more I realize I was being pretty silly.

 

It's natural to want to feel wanted and desired. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean here. I'm not sure I get the way of thinking. It's like wanting him to think you are a better cook than his ex's even though you have never cooked him a meal.

 

Are you scared to become physically intimate with him because you feel you might be a disappointment and won't be able to live up to his ex's standards sexually?

 

If you both care about each other and you feel comfortable then go for it. Don't hang onto thoughts of him and his ex's. They can develop and you may become obsessed with them and that would be very damaging to you. It doesn't matter what happened in his past with his ex's. All that matters is that he is with you and wants to be with you. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

It is obvious he cares by waiting as long as he has already but he is a man with needs and he can't be expected to wait forever. I'm not sure many men would wait this long.

 

It just seems to me that you are scared in some way but there is no need to be.

 

I hope this helps in some way.

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Thought provoking questions.

 

I think I am a little nervous because it's a whole new experience. It's crossing a new threshold in intimacy that will require maturity and planning from me. It's exciting but scary.

 

And it's very true, he doesn't want to wait forever. I think he gets a little nervous about my virginity too ... not wanting to hurt me. But, he definitely wants it as well.

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Ms Darcy,

 

I can relate to you in many ways because I grew up thinking that I wanted to be a virgin until I met the man I spent the rest of my life with. Simply because I thought sex was too much of me to give to more than one man. I only wanted to share it with the right one.

 

And I was a virgin until about.. 26 I think... and lost it to my husband, after we got engaged.

 

So I think I can relate to a lot of the feelings you have and how tricky it can be in a relationship - especially a longterm relationship.

 

My first relationship started when I was 17 and continued for 3 years. Sex was an enormously difficult issue. Instead of telling him how I felt, I kept saying I wasn't ready (which at that stage, was probably the truth as I hadnt formulated firm views either way) - and we kept setting these "timelines" - just like you have - for when I would be ready.

 

This happens because the man, who does care for and desire you very much.. just starts to feel extremely rejected by the lack of sex and there's a feeling (if not a firm expression of this) that the relationship cannot continue that way in the long term.

 

So you set these time lines. But.. for me.. when the timeline/deadline came up... I still wasn't ready and I couldnt force myself to be. I tried once, and I just couldn't do it. It wasn't being true to myself and I couldnt take that step. It wasn't the sole reason for the end of our 3 year relationship but it was definitely a contributor.

 

When I finally was ready, like you, I had so much trouble. I was scared, I was tense, there was pain ... bla bla bla. Certainly didn't help that my husband was exactly as inexperienced as I was!! But you do work through those things provided that you are both patient and gentle and caring and considerate of each other and tolerant and understanding of how difficult this is for both of you.

 

I think the passion is something you should not stress about until you first get used to having sex. Once it stops being something scary and new, it will become more natural and then more passionate.

 

If he is acting like he doesn't desire you as much as you want to be desired, I would bet on a big reason for that being that he probably feels rejected by the lack of sex and has put up some walls, sealing in his "desire", to protect himself from .. the frustration and rejection he feels when he's not allowed to follow through. He probably hears you say that you are excited about sex but doesn't truly believe it deep down inside. And he's probably worrying a lot about what the future with you will be like if there are sexual issues. And that worry is probably affecting the level of desire he is showing for you as well.

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Indigo,

 

This post is EXTREMELY on point.

 

In talking to him, he has definitely mentioned feeling rejected and putting up walls so he doesn't think about intimacy too much. And I know that he does worry that I won't like it and leave him. So, yes, you are very on point here.

 

We've been open, and I am vocal about expressing to him that I am more and more ready. I'm affectionate, within his boundaries - so as not to get him going. We're working on it.

 

The bright side is that he feels like we have built this amazing foundation and he really respects me for my desire to wait for the right person.

 

Your post was the perfect articulation of my feelings.

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