Asking the dumper to stop contacting the dumpee

[minute]

If the person you dumped told you to stop contacting them so they could move on, would you ever consider contacting them in the future? or would you respect their feelings and accept that you messed up that relationship and move on?

[uj2004]

Id like to think the girl who dumped me will be in contact, although I said I needed a month to heal, rather than flat out 'dont contact me again'.

 

Id imagine if the relationship was long and loving, they would find it hard to just never contact the dumpee again in the future.

[LittleLost]

As a dumped person that requested space, I think you really should. My ex didn't give that space and it ended with me feeling * * * * ty for being rude with her. Now she's probably pissed and I feel bad about having been an a-hole to her. But she asked for it.

[minute]

Well, I am the dumpee.... I grew tired of the dumper contacting me because it was not helping to clarify things etc.. so I told him to let me move on and stop contacting me. Well, that was 2 months ago and its been total non contact. I am still troubled by this (not obsessively, but it still runs through my mind a bit) and i still really want an explanation. I dont want to get back together or sleep with him etc.. and he dumped me to (apparently) get back together with someone else so as far as I am aware he is in another relationship.. but I hate this unresolved feeling I have.... when he dumped me he was very insistent that down the line we would get together for a drink and a chat, because i wanted an explanation and he would not give it to me then.......

 

i know i would feel better about this if i was actively seeing someone else, but i am not, so i think about this mess...

[scared and alone]

As much as it would kill me, if they wanted me to stop contacting them, I would and i'd just slowly die without them. lol

[1MoreChance]

I don't know, I think sometimes the only closure that you can get comes from within yourslef. If you asked him not to contact him, I think he should respect that, becasue is he doesn't it is disrespectful. I tried for months to get closure (explanations...) from my ex and it led to nothing but confusion and more pain (mostly). Eventually trying to preserve a friendship can be unhealthy... When I tried to get answers from him I'd get a lot of "I don't know", "I'm confused"... but when I tried to let go of the past and just be friends, it felt pretty odd... it seemed to suit him just fine, but I felt strange and always felt pain after I hung up or went home after seeing him.

good luck

[minute]

Yes, i agree... closure is what you make of it yourself.. As I said, if i had moved on and been at least actively dating, maybe i would be forgetting all about this now........ dating and relationships etc.. are crap and full of so much unnecessary drama..

[scared and alone]

It all really does just take time ive been through stuff I thought id never get over. And sometimes you HAVE to do it by yourself. I'm going through that right now, lets see if it will ring true with me. heh.

[minute]

Yes time is key.. although the only other time i got dumped I ended up sleeping with the ex for 6 months and then one day literally woke up knowing i didnt want to sleep with him again.. and I was cured... so whilst that is extreme (and horrible, i cant say it was pleasant to have sex with someone who was very honest about 'wanting a relationship just not with you') it proved effective........ though this time around its different because he dumped me to go to someone else.. its different when they just dump you, because you can make a * * * * of yourself and contact them relentlessly, knowing it isn't interfering with another girl... when there is another girl involved, you have to stay dignified.. otherwise the dumper thinks 'wow, i dodged a crazy bullet there'

[1MoreChance]

Yes, i agree... closure is what you make of it yourself.. As I said, if i had moved on and been at least actively dating, maybe i would be forgetting all about this now........ dating and relationships etc.. are crap and full of so much unnecessary drama..

 

well maybe you are not ready to date yet. But you can get to a place where your mind isn't with him, with hope, with expectations.

 

remember that when "dumpers" stay in touch and want to stay in contact or friendship, it is often because of their own unwillingness to face the truth. In my case, this is how it happenned over a period of 7 months:

 

at first, right after he broke up with me (which was basically "I need time, I need a break", but we agreed we were not together as a couple), it was a couple of months of "you are the love of my life, I'm just not ready", "I still have strong feelings for you", "more and more, it feels wrong to be without you", etc. I am not kidding. But, he didn't want to be "in a relationship right now", and was "confused".

 

then, the next phase was dating a girl for a few weeks (after we had a couple of amazing moments together throughout the fall and a special dinner and a night together, which we both qualified as amazing moments of being connected). at that point he stopped calling me (of course), unless I called him, which I did a few times. Then he would retrun my calls (he is a very nice guy). He was very upset about this new relationship, he pursued her, she "cheated on him" (all within he course of 3 weeks or so), so he left her. Then he confided in me how he was "terrified of never again experiencing the feeling we had together", said he compared her to me all the time.

 

the next phase was pretty much us "being frineds", which gave me hope. Mostly talking on the phone, but I went to see him once so he would cut my hair and he (we) flirted a lot. It still felt magical and joyful to be with him. He was affectionate, expressed the desire to go out together, etc. I was stupid enough to rest my head on his chest in the escalator on the way down to the subway, and then I pulled back and said "sorry'", and then he gently pulled me back to him, saying "no, it's ok". I pulled back and stopped that silliness. it's like he still wanted to keep me hooked. For months he knew I still had feelings and wanted to be back together, but he still acted like this (more than just a friend) even though he doesn't want to be with me.

 

When I didn't call, he would call and act very intersted in being my friend. It usually took about 10 days of me not calling. It just felt awkward. When I told him "it's good to hear from you, but it's hard", he replied (all cheerfully, which really bothered me) a big "WHY?!?", and then straight away, "oh...." when he realized that I was still the dumpee who had for months cried and expressed the desire for reconciliation. One time during one of our friendly conversations, I said "I am starting to see that we are not meant to be together"... he replied, with a surprised intonation in his voice, "why?", as if this was some kind of a revelation all of a sudden. the point is, I still had hope, and I was also desperatelly trying to sort things out, heal, move on, basically to get some answers, and he acted clueless and in all honnesty, selfish and ignorant. I do care for him, but this is what I think when I knock him off his pedestal. all these behaviors and clueless "I don't know"s and "why"s of his show me his unwillingness / inability to explore / grow / get closure in this.

 

I hope this helps to give you an idea of the chaos and pain you can create in your life by holding on to an ex. ask yourself, "can he give me the closure I need?", "has he given me all the answers I can get?". You will know, if you need to move on or talk to him again. You will know if you CAN remain friends. or maybe just not now, until both people are ready to face the truth?

[ratfreak]

I've asked one of my exs to leave me be at least for a few months and he didin't respect that. It got ugly and even now, years later, I have no intrest in seeing him.

 

If someone asks you to give them time, it should be respected.