A year later, she breaks nc

[Wstd]

Hi all. I am not sure this is the right section but I do not want to post this in the “healing after break up” because I am fully healed…. Anyway, it is about a year that my ex of 3.5 years broke up with me and we have nc since June 08. She quickly replaced me with someone else and i was extremely heart broken. It took me months to recover from this but for the last 3 months i can honestly say that i am pretty much ok. Things are going well and I have a new relationship now. Although it is nothing important i feel i am just where i need to be right now. I really do not miss my ex or think about her much....

 

Ok so this Friday i got a text and, what a surprise, it was her. The text was "I hope i am not bothering you and that you are fine. I need a favour, could you please send me the number of the psychologist you saw last year". This was a surprise for me. The last time we spoke (back in June) she was very angry because i would not respect her wishes (i called her 2-3 times after i found she had a new man, trying to make her change her mind) and she said some pretty hard things to me. I really did not expect to hear from her again.

 

While in the process of breaking up i saw a psychologist for a couple of times and she knew about it... I never mentioned if she was a good psychologist or something (and i have my reasons to believe she is not). Furthermore we live in a big city and finding a psychologist is not much of a problem, she can find hundreds of them with just a few clicks… I must admit I am very curious why she had to contact me after 9 months to ask me for this “favour”… If I knew I had caused a person so much pain, I would not call him or her to just ask for something I can easily achieve on my own.

 

Anyway I quickly replied that I am not sure if I have the number but if I find it I will send it to her. I did not ask how she is doing or anything else… I was planning not to text her again but 2 days after I admit I am still thinking about it. Could this mean she wants something more? I do not even now if I want to start something new with her… She put me through a lot but the thing is that I believe I had the bigger part of responsibility for the break-up. I was afraid of commitment (I am 33 and she is 31 btw) and I took her for granted. So I guess she had her reasons. I also must mention that she is a gorgeous woman and it is not like I can find someone like her every other day. Oh and I was crazy about her back then.

 

I am thinking of sending a text and directly ask why she had to contact me… I do not know if it is a good idea or not but I hate thinking about it… I really could use some advice now. So what you guys think?

[ToodlePip]

Does sound a bit like an excuse to get in touch. Thing is, she's not openly going to say anything, so if you want to feel her out you're going to have to communicate cooly with her. Send her the number for the psychologist. Re-open the lines of communication a little - she's was probably trying to find otu whether it was ok even talking with you. She might be after friendship, or more, or nothing, but you won't know unless you open the door for her to feel you out and you her. If that's what you want, of course.

[Lauren8785]

I agree with Toodle. Just be careful and remember not to expect anything, she may have just wanted a number and nothing more. Why, she contacted you? No idea. Maybe her and that guy she went out with are having problems but again Id take precautions. Don't want to end up getting hurt again and she may not feel the same way she used to, so just keep all those in mind. However, I would ask her why she contacted you, when there is a phone book. Never hurts to ask. Good luck and play it carefully.

[orangesoda]

I think she's just asking for a simple favor. I wouldn't pry into why she's asking...I mean, she's asking for the phone number of a psych. If you've got it, send it. If not, then don't. If your breakup went badly because you wouldn't respect her boundaries or wishes, the last thing you want to do is overstep again and suddenly start texting her asking 'Why?' all over again.

 

Let the past be the past. If she wants to be in your life again (and it may be as just a friend, so be warned), then she'll contact you further. But the ball is most definitely not in your court.

 

Honestly, I would not respond any further, because that is the litmus test right there. If she initiates further contact, then that suggests she wants to start talking again. If she doesn't contact you further, then the phone number was all she was after.

[Rob1000]

No, don't ask her why she contacted you. Send her something like this....

 

Hi, that number you were looking for is 555-123-4567. Cheers, Wstd.

 

This shows you're being friendly and are open for communication but shows you dont care why she's looking for the number. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't bother asking.

[Lauren8785]

This is great advice. Couldn't agree more!

[pumpkinmoon]

I also think it was an excuse to get in touch. I think also the content of the message says that she wants to let you know that she is having a hard time right now and that she has possibly broken up with that other man. I could be wrong but that's what it looks like to me.

[Wstd]

Tnx everyone for the advice. The thing is that every case is different. Surely it could be she just wants the number, but if this is the case she somehow must think that this psych is the best in our city, in order to contact me for it. You see the last time we spoke she said that i can not call her again, not even on her birthday. She also said some really mean things, but in the end, before we hung up she mentioned that if she realized she made a mistake she would not hesitate to call.

 

It is fair enough that she did not ever call me to see how i was doing (i had serious family problems during the period of the brake up), or at my birthday and other occasions because she knew how hard i took the break up and it was the right thing to do. But now suddenly she desperately needs a random psych all she knows about is that i saw her a couple of times? I mean, i am prepared to believe that she just wants to have a few laughs with her girlfriends (and that is not likely) before i believe she just needs the number.

 

To be honest what theshoefairy said describes exactly what i immediately thought when i read this mesasage. Plus my ex has more than enough pride and it must have been very very hard for her to send it...

 

Even if this is the case, i am not really sure what i want and i must clear this up before i put my ass on the line again...

[intolerable]

Yeah, that's good. It always sucks when exes suddenly contact you out of the blue and gets your mind spiraling into confusion all over again. But hey, can't say it doesn't feel good, even for a bit.

 

Just make sure you're doing what's best for you.

[Wstd]

Yeah, that's good. It always sucks when exes suddenly contact you out of the blue and gets your mind spiraling into confusion all over again. But hey, can't say it doesn't feel good, even for a bit.

 

Just make sure you're doing what's best for you.

 

Yeah although i admit this whole thing got me thinking again, it feels kind of good she made contact. But you know what feels even better? Not being heart broken. Yeah i was thinking of that too and i am sooo grateful i am not in the state i was a few months ago.

[Pandaman211]

I also think it was an excuse to get in touch. I think also the content of the message says that she wants to let you know that she is having a hard time right now and that she has possibly broken up with that other man. I could be wrong but that's what it looks like to me.

 

I agree 100%. Could not have said it better myself. If she has just broken up with the man, she could be feeling effects of both breakups just now, as her new man may have hidden everything regarding you. Or she could still be with him and maybe things are not going well, OR even she could still be with him and is just starting to realize how much she misses you and is starting to somewhat think about things more. Either way, if you think the psychologist isn't good, don't give her the number. Thats kind of stupid.

 

I'm not sure how to advise you on contacting her, I think the people before me that agreed with my outlook also said to reopen communication lines nonchalantly. I don't know if any of them gave you a clear cut point on how to do it, but I'm not sure either. Its tough, but I really do believe she did it as an excuse, its not even overanalyzing, its pretty clear cut, there are tons of other pyschologists she could find, why would she want to ask you, shes smart enough to know that if she asks you you'll know something is wrong with her, and if she really wanted nothing to do with you or didnt have any interest at all, whether friends or more, she wouldn't have even contacted you. And she thought about you after 9 months and did it. I think it means more than face value.

 

Good luck. Always keep your options open, thats what I always say.

[canali]

yeah i agree with those thinking it's all smoke and mirrors: an excuse to reach out for whatever reason...hope she is squirming realizing what got away for your sake...most especially now that you're strong and have moved on

(can't wait to get there!...getting closer every day).

[thinkstoohard]

No, don't ask her why she contacted you. Send her something like this....

 

Hi, that number you were looking for is 555-123-4567. Cheers, Wstd.

 

This shows you're being friendly and are open for communication but shows you dont care why she's looking for the number. Because if you didn't care, you wouldn't bother asking.

 

If you must send something then send this at the most. I suggest not responding any more than you already have, though.

[intolerable]

Yeah although i admit this whole thing got me thinking again, it feels kind of good she made contact. But you know what feels even better? Not being heart broken. Yeah i was thinking of that too and i am sooo grateful i am not in the state i was a few months ago.

 

I envy you. Hahaha! I hope someday I'll feel like this too.

[Wstd]

I finally sent her the number yesterday. Just a simple text, no questions. I think it was the right move because as far as i know she is still with that dude and nothing has changed. She replied with a thanks, i hope it was not much trouble and that is it. I resisted the urge to tell her it was about time she saw a shrink I guess i will never know the hidden meaning of this message if there was one....

Ok back to normal, tnx everyone for the advice!!!!

[canali]

don't waste yourself OR if you do then make her squirm by being vague yet very positive and happy if she does call you ...but DON'T initiate contact...give her her dues.

 

I finally sent her the number yesterday. Just a simple text, no questions. I think it was the right move because as far as i know she is still with that dude and nothing has changed. She replied with a thanks, i hope it was not much trouble and that is it. I resisted the urge to tell her it was about time she saw a shrink I guess i will never know the hidden meaning of this message if there was one....

Ok back to normal, tnx everyone for the advice!!!!

[Wstd]

Now i can not stop thinking that i was too indifferent and cold... I really think that a reconciliation with her would almost be an impossible task but i can not stop feeling this way.

 

What i was afraid of is that if i had shown more interest i could get an answer like "what did you think" or something... but i could have directly asked her what is wrong.

It is amazing what even the slightest form of contact can do to you... Its a no win situation. When i received the message i did not care all that much but with everyday that passes i think more and more of it. If this was 3-4 months ago i am sure i would be crawling now.

 

Anyway i HAVE to stop thinking about it, i am going on a short vacation with my new girl and i want to have fun. It is a new relationship and although not very serious i think it's worth a chance.

[intolerable]

I know what you mean. My ex has been doing LC (he dumped me) and I honestly don't know what his intentions are. I reply sometimes (when it's work related), but most of the time I don't. I think he's trying to be friends again, but I'm not interested in being friends.

 

That's what I feel right now, and I sometimes feel a bit annoyed whenever he contacts me.

[Nearwater]

Interesting. When my ex dumped me for her fat old married rebound idiot, i went into a similar mid-life depressive tailspin. 8 mos. of tears and bull. I went to a pysch. many times, she would not go.

 

I know she will get dumped sooner or later, wonder if that call like your will ever come.

[Wstd]

Hi all. I am not sure this is the right section but I do not want to post this in the “healing after break up” because I am fully healed….

 

That is how i started this thread... Well you can write that off now!

 

As some of you could have guessed i broke down and contacted her 3 weeks after her original message. I was thinking of it too much and I HAD to know why she contacted me. Simply because i realized that if there is 1 chance in 1000000 to be with her i owe it to myself to go for it.

 

My text: "I think its fair to ask you why you contacted me after all this time and for this specific reason. You broke up and you thought of me, you just needed the number, you needed a friend, any other reason, whatever it is it's fine, i just have to know. Pls be honest"

 

So she called me and she told me that she sent the text because she needed to talk to me about some problems she had with her family. I asked for details but she only said that things are ok now. When i asked why she needed to talk to me after all this time me she said that she felt that i was the only person that she could talk with about this matter because i have similar stuff going on with my family. I guess it has to do with my parents hating each other and my brother's depression but i am not sure... I insisted that she should tell me but she said she could not over the phone. No i did not offer to meet in person. Hearing her voice is enough... Anyway i thanked her for answering me and i mentioned that i did not want to start thinking things over without a reason.

 

We talked for about 2 hours and i think i managed to be cool. She asked me if have bad feelings for her and i said no and that i am fully aware of the reasons for our break up. I told her that i do not want her to feel guilty and that what she did helped me to discover and confront many issues with my character. We got a bit into that and i am SO glad i was given the chance to tell her some of those things i have been dying to tell her for months after our breakup, especially now that i can actually control my emotions.

 

She asked if i am with someone and i told her that i am in a relationship that only covers my physical needs and not my emotional (Yeah that is a lie). She said that next time i have something good i should not be afraid of nothing. As for her relationship she said that things are not going well because the problems with her family have a negative effect on it. I openly told her that i thought she had broken up and that i was sad because i know how much she wants to have a family (and i really was). She said that she is only going to do it if its worth it.

 

The connection we have is unbelievable, it was so obvious and she mentioned that i am the only person that she can talk about anything and that at times she thinks that i am the only one that can understand her. Before our breakup i was actually unable to open up to her but that is not the case now, and she probably has made a lot of progress too. I realize that what we had could never work because of me constantly sabotaging it, but i am over most of my issues now and it is such a pity we are not together...

 

Anyway we exchanged emails and she told me that i can call her whenever i want and i told her the same. I can tell she enjoyed the conversation and as far as i am concerned, unfortunately, i still absolutely adore her.

 

As for my current girlfriend i know it is not that obvious but i am strongly attracted to her. It is the first girl after my ex that i had a real spark with. We are together 2-3 months now and i made a huge effort to pursue her. It is a semi ldr an i cant see her much but before my ex broke nc i was feeling happy. Not any more though!!! It really makes me sad that what i feel for my ex is so much stronger...

 

So what do i do now? I think she is honest about the reason she contacted me although it could also be her having a fight with her bf or something. I have a strong urge to go lc with her. This girl was in love with me and really wanted a family with me when i only gave like 10% of what i could in our relationship. And she is a great catch, really.

 

It took me months to deal with my guilt and accept its over with her, and now it seems i have to do it all over again and i do not want to. Do you guys think there is a point to go lc with her? I have some stuff going on with my life that would really make interesting conversation. I have never pursued a woman that is involved in a relationship but this is a special case. And as for her boyfriend i know a bit about him and i strongly believe that i am a better man than him in so many levels that it is not even funny that she is with him and not me.

 

So please tell me what you think. Is it pointless to get involved in this? Sorry for the huge post but i really really need advice.

[gee]

Wstd, first of you shouldn't be comparing that guy and say, you are far a better man than him in so many levels. Stop that. It doesn't really matter what level he is in your ex is with him for a reason and must like something about him, right?

 

Anyway, I don't think it is fair to your ex's bf AND your current gf if calls/text/emails are being exchanged between you and your ex! Your ex must be looking for some comfort until things cool off with her man (I might be wrong). You must back off and if she is having issues with her life that is on her man. She has to take care of that herself and not you. I understand how much you love her but she dumped you. She is no longer your priority. Until she she expresses to you that she wants you back and no longer is with her bf then give it another shot, but with caution. And of course you know there is the potential of hurting your current gf. Many things to think about fella.

 

Think about what you do first before taking action...be wise. See how happy you were, and moving along just fine..then BAM your ex breaks NC. She has brought confusion into your life once again. Be careful my friend. I'm sure you will get tons of decent advice here.

 

gee

[longdist]

gee makes some really good points. My opinion (take it at face value) is that you let things go NC again, w/ some stipulation that she can call you if she needs to for something important. Let your ex figure things out. I wouldn't even consider doing anything, even LC while you are both seeing people.

 

I too got in contact with my ex after ~ 2 months of NC. I was not over her like I thought. However, I felt a lot better within a couple of weeks. So, don't let this new pain affect you. It will pass. You can always reconsider things if your ex trys to get in contact w/ you again, while not seeing anyone. .. and not to be manipulative, but I think if you exit her life again here, she may regain some intense feelings, more so then if you stay LC. Like gee said, though, 2 more people are inolved in this now. Do you want to put your current gf into the pain boat that you were floating on for a long while, especially when there is nothing solidfied at all w/ your ex? However, in this situation you will definitely be the bad guy, breaking up with her to go to someone else. So like gee saids; there is a lot to think about. I hope you get some good advice for this situation.

 

Best wishes.

[Wstd]

Wstd, first of you shouldn't be comparing that guy and say, you are far a better man than him in so many levels. Stop that. It doesn't really matter what level he is in your ex is with him for a reason and must like something about him, right?

 

She is with him simply because i would not commit to her. During the 3 1/2 years we were together i did my best to keep this relationship on a thin line. I could do the craziest things to bring her close to me, but whenever she mentioned that she wants to have kids with me i would get terrified and hold back. There are many times that i intentionally would not tell her how much i love her or make a romantic gesture because i was afraid. This girl that we are now talking about wanted to marry me and have a family with me and i was afraid. This is why i lost her and i has been a big burden.

 

My behaviour led her to think that i do not really love her and that is why she decided to take a break from our relationship. We were ldr for the last 5 months and this man (that was hitting on her before she broke up with me) was there to comfort her. He "helped" her interpret my behaviour as me playing her. She told me that, as well as other similar stuff the last time we talked about 9-10 months ago...

 

So that is why she is with him, he was just at the right place at the right time. As far as me being a "better man" i understand it sounds childish but i have my reasons for saying that. And i certainly do not care if me having contact with my ex it is fair to him.

 

As for my current girlfriend, it is clear to me that at this point I would leave her if there was a chance of reconciliation with my ex. This makes me sad for both of us and I would feel very guilty but I would have to do it. But there is not such a chance now and what I can not do is leave my gf in lets say 2 months if my ex decides to give us another chance which is not impossible to happen. Something like that would be completely unethical.

 

Also, now that my head is a bit clearer, I think that it was a bit selfish for my ex to contact me. She wanted to talk to me about her family issues… She is with that guy for a year now, in a serious relationship and contacts me to talk about her family problems. But she does not actually tell me she wants to talk but asks the number of the psych… And I am supposed to naturally be worried and call her like we are buddies or something. My guess is she had problems with the dude and wanted to check if I am still available. She got her answer yesterday and apparently things are better with her bf so everything is perfect.

 

Maybe I should just change my number or tell my ex to never contact me for whatever reason as I am extremely weak to her. I love her very much and I deeply regret I was not ready when we were together but I think enough is enough.

 

Thx everyone for replying, i guess there is not much point to the whole thing. But i can not talk to anyone about this and talking about it here is really helpful for me

[gee]

Maybe I should just change my number or tell my ex to never contact me for whatever reason as I am extremely weak to her. I love her very much and I deeply regret I was not ready when we were together but I think enough is enough.

 

 

Why not change your number and try to get full control back? Sure, it will be hard but damn it will be better for you.

 

The past is the past fella. You can't undo the past, and enough is enough like you said (over ayear now, right?). Have patience my man things will work out for you. You were happy before she started to contact you again...you will be happy!

 

Faith and patience!

 

gee

[longdist]

For what it's worth you sound like you went through a very similar break to the one I did. One of my ex's friends was also there at the right place and right time to console her. There's nothing you can do about that.

 

I do think you'll start feeling better about things within a couple of weeks. Do as gee suggests if you really don't want her to contact you again.