The only thing to fear is...

[Raistlin]

I don't know how to start this post, so I'll just say it: I'm 21, I'm boring, and I'm ashamed of it.

 

Basically, I've been reading a lot of threads and I realized how many of us govern our actions based on fear. We're afraid to hurt someone else. We're afraid of rejection. We're afraid to do anything untoward ourselves or anyone else.

 

But... what if you're afraid... of mostly everything?

 

I am. I am ashamed to admit this, but I'm afraid of living.

 

For 4 months, I've been unemployed. I've submitted about 100 applications already, and only had about 5 interviews. And even places that would seem like easy interviews, I've blown because I was so nervous.

 

At this point, I'm so afraid of rejection that I don't call my own friends to hang out. I don't want to burden anyone with my presence, so I don't call or text. Stupid, right? It's a repercussion of my last relationship, but I haven't gotten over it. 37 minutes ago marks the 1 year mark of us breaking up, and I still suffer from the mental mind bombs she released on me.

 

I'm afraid to go out, so I don't unless there's a group. I'm afraid to meet people, so I stare. I'm even afraid to send e-mails on dating websites, so I log on, confirm that I have no new messages, and log off.

 

The worst part is that I can sense that there is an adventurous guy living inside me, bursting at the seems. I WANT to go out. I WANT to meet people. I WANT to do the things a 21 year old does. But I live with so much fear and anxiety, that I don't do ANYTHING.

 

I don't have a clue as to what I can do other than force myself into awkward situations over and over again, until they're not awkward anymore.

 

Even writing this thread is a huge leap for me. I guess I'm just looking for some semblance of hope before I go to bed. I don't want to dream of my ex for the 30th night in a row.

[Russ]

I know what you mean. I generally don't make any outside attempts on making contact with anyone. Unless friends call me, a girl calls me out, etc, I don't seem to want to bother anyone with anything.

 

I think a big, ol' change will help. At least, that's what I plan on doing. Maybe moving to California, something of the sort.

 

Why not make this sort of change?

[Raistlin]

I've thought about it for a while, but I just plain can't afford it. I have almost no money left to my name, and I honestly don't know if I could cope with leaving everything behind. It's taken me years to get my friend circle set up here, and I'd hate to toss that to the wind.

 

Not to mention I'm not sure if it would be a huge shell shock to my system, or act as the catalyst to get me out of my rut. I may end up curled up in the fetal position rather than find the life I long for.

[Russ]

It seems like your slowly crawling into a fetal position right now.

 

It might all dissipate when the ball gets rolling. Concentrate on improving one part of your life. Getting a job, for example. Do that, and the load might get a little easier. Then figure out what your next biggest issue is that's troubling you, and work on it.

 

Two things I can say, and this isn't to offend, but from personal experience. You won't get this all solved in a few days, it takes time. And, there's no point in sitting around, feeling hopeless. It won't solve anything, as much as it does seem to suit you for the time being.

[Raistlin]

Trust me, I know. And I'm not offended. I'm just getting disheartened at the 1 year downhill spiral my life has been on. From losing my ex, to losing friends, losing my job, failed dating prospects and getting used, getting ripped off, poor grades in school, my mom almost dying 3 times in a month, all sorts of drama between mutual friends, losing my apartment... It's all added up.

 

I'm likely making a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm about at wit's end. SOMETHING needs to change for the better. I can tackle all of this piece by piece if I just had hope that I could succeed.

[Russ]

Trust me, I know. And I'm not offended. I'm just getting disheartened at the 1 year downhill spiral my life has been on. From losing my ex, to losing friends, losing my job, failed dating prospects and getting used, getting ripped off, poor grades in school, my mom almost dying 3 times in a month, all sorts of drama between mutual friends, losing my apartment... It's all added up.

 

I'm likely making a mountain out of a molehill, but I'm about at wit's end. SOMETHING needs to change for the better. I can tackle all of this piece by piece if I just had hope that I could succeed.

 

So start off by fixing something that's not too difficult to fix. Finding a good girl is hard, I know. But for example, a job. I'm personally self-employed, but I remember from my previous job interviews that the key was really to be honest. You can convey any message in the right way. Make a joke that you're nervous and glad to have the opportunity for the interview. That way, the manager/employer will have a softer outlook upon the whole meeting, etc.

 

You've got to take a first step.

 

Wake up tomorrow, and just do something. If you need preparation, then spend a few days preparing yourself for the first step. Think about it, and you'll accept it eventually.

[Lauren8785]

I agree with Russ he has given some good advice. Like he said, you just need to pace yourself and do one thing at a time. Its all in steps and eventually once you make the first one it will get easier. Rome was not built in a day and neither is a life change, it all takes time and ambition to want to change things.

 

Im sorry for all the misfortune you've dealt with lately, but in time you will heal and get through it. Hang in there it does get better!

[Xuul]

Hey man... I've been here before. This SUCKS. No question. I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling afraid of life itself.

 

Did you have a falling out with ALL of your friends, or just the mutual friends you two shared?

 

The best thing to do here, in my experience is to completely reinvent yourself. Write down a list of things that you wish you were. Then, one (or more) at a time, take on those challenges you have written down. Set your own pace, but don't get lax. Push yourself. Do it for YOU because YOU are worth it, not for the approval of anyone else.

 

Something that really helps me in these situations is to re-arrange my apartment. I know it's hard to move out and move to a different city especially without a job or money, and you don't have to to change your surroundings. If you have any remnants of the ex laying around, throw them away. Better yet.... if you still feel like you need closure, gather up all the things that stir up memories of her or of you two as a couple. If you live in a place where you can build a fire (even a fireplace will do), burn them. Think of it as a funeral or memorial service for the person that you loved. She's gone now, and it's really truly best for you to think of her as dead. Essentially she is.... the person you loved loved you in return. This person does not love you. She's not the same girl.

 

Along the same lines, write her a goodbye letter. Put all the emotions you still feel for her into it. If she did you wrong, tell her you were hurt, but you forgive her, and you're letting it go. Thank her for the things she taught you or introduced you to. Wish her well, and say good bye for good. If you are able to contact her, go ahead and send it to her. If not, or you think it would cause more drama/trouble than it's worth, burn it or toss it out at the "funeral" service mentioned above.

 

If you see in the list, something that looks impossible (e.g. being a self confident person) and you really are far from it, start acting. Seriously. Maybe you'll feel phony at first, but the thing is, if you pretend to be something long enough, you will usually end up becoming that way.

 

Force yourself to do things you do NOT want to do. MAKE yourself call a friend (that you know is still a friend). Go hang out. Do something different, spontaneous. Not the kind of person that likes to go to clubs on the weekend? Go to one. If you don't like it, go to a new one. Do you exercise at all? If not, start. Make yourself go for a walk once a day or something. It's like trying on clothes until you find something that fits.

 

This will work itself out, my friend. I know it seems hopeless, but I promise you that it's not. The one thing that I've learned over the years, that as cliche as it sounds, everything really does happen for a reason. Before you know it you'll be the person you want to be and you'll catch the eye of someone that really likes you for you.

 

As for the online dating.... I would take a break from it for a while. Get rid of your profile for now. Once you feel like you've redefined yourself sufficiently, go ahead and create a whole new profile. Message whoever catches your eye but do NOT settle, do NOT sound desperate, and DO come accross as confident.

[poison ivy]

Wow. I think you are an articulate person with a lot of personal insight and honesty. I wouldn't place such a huge expectation on yourself about how quickly you can get out of this rut. It will take time, but you're on the right pathway if you've recognized the problem and have defined it in some small way. The important part now is, once you've understood it, to do some problem solving and really look for some solutions. If you stew in worry over your current situation or you find yourself in a cycle of rumination - break out of it by taking this proactive step forward.

 

And this concept of rejection...what is a balanced way to look at taking the risk and putting yourself out there? Will people reject you 100% of the time? In your experience, have you had some successes? Even just by looking at the responses you've already had on this posting - seems to me that if you ask for help or want support, people are willing to do it.