NC..anger ..betrayal..setbacks..how do you manage?

[canali]

Just wondering how people are dealing with their emotional hurdles ie the ups and downs/back and forth periods during NC?...

 

my gig was only 2 years and yet I felt huge hurt at and anger at what my ex said to me (see my "ouch" thread for her emails if you wish)...while I feel like I have finally found the true purpose of NC which is not to get your ex back but to get yourself back and so I now focus on ME its still hard ...

 

This said, I've been dilligently trying to become a healthier and better person via all sorts of new activities ie giving up booze for good (6 months now)...losing weight ..meditating/exploring spirituality/exercising eating right yada yada/ ...reading inspirational self help books...seeing a therapist ...trying to get more love in my life by volunteering and getting out more to social events...paying off debts..saving $../yada yada * * * * ing yada!....

 

So I'm REALLY trying yet I have days like today when I see my exs daughter in the checkout and kaboom my mind starts to ruminate and both sadness and rage kicks in....so how do you folks with even more severe situations handle your issues and feelings around anger and betrayal to heal and also to open your heart to trusting again?...I mean some poor souls on here were ditched at 5 or 10 years for someone else...or were about to get married ... I can't imagine the courage it takes to deal with the more longer term situations on here are so touching....I feel like a wuss.

[osterfanish]

I hear ya...I'd also like to know. My own relationship was 2 years, yet I feel so attached to the person, that I don't know how I'll ever be able to move on.

 

BTW, cananli, it sounds like you are making incredible progress and being proactive about focusing on you. The things you listed that you are doing in order to heal are inspiring - hopefully I can begin to do some of those things you mentioned, too!

[babysunshine]

Mine was four years.... but in terms of dealing with the rollercoaster ride that is NC, all I can say is that after doing it on and off for the past year and a half the thing I have learned the most (and what has kept me NC for the past three months) is that every urge you get to call, or every time you feel down or low.... it passes. Some times it takes a couple hours sometimes it even takes days but it ALWAYS passes. Not to say it won't come back but it passes for the time being.

[canali]

Osterfanish...thanks for the kudos...my social support network is small so I had to become self reliant and enact different activities ...or the pain would be unbearable.....babysunshine: thanks yeah its good to keep that in Mind: the impermanance of our deadful days! Thanks!

[viajera]

You'll get through this. I went through h**l when I split up with my last ex. We were together for 6 years, were planning to get engaged (for the 2nd time), and I had once truly believed he was my soulmate. I went away for 3 months, and during this time he started sleeping with a co-worker (and lied about it, until I found an email) and purchasing gadgets with credit cards in my name which I'd left at home for safekeeping (and lied about the purchases, telling me he'd actually bought an engagement ring for me!). And this is after soooo much more crap that I went through with him, including faked suicides, faked death of his sister, breaking my finger....soooo much crap. He was incredibly abusive and manipulative.

 

So I had every reason to hate him. But one day I woke up and realized the hate was doing me more harm than him - he was winning. So I forgave him. Now, 3 years later, I'm totally over him - as in, I don't miss him at all, though I'm still dealing with all the aftereffects of this relationships, especially lack of trust in others. Whereas he - despite initially making a good show of immediately jumping into a new relationship and appearing happy - contacted me recently and let me know he missed me. Karma always gets you in the end.

[createhappiness]

wow, you went through so much viajera! i have come to accept that i'll be dealing with the after effects of my relationship ending (that included ex cheating w/ a coworker, never coming clean about it, my abandonment issues) for a long time. i thought i was going to marry him, we were looking at rings together and everything... sometimes i wonder how i'm still standing. i have just accepted the dealing with the after effects is going to be a part of my life that i will have to struggle with and i'm trying my best to use this crappy experience as a catapult to making me an even better person. taking it day by day, it's so, so tough.

[createhappiness]

wow, you went through so much viajera! i have come to accept that i'll be dealing with the after effects of my relationship ending (that included ex cheating w/ a coworker, never coming clean about it, my abandonment issues) for a long time. i thought i was going to marry him, we were looking at rings together and everything... sometimes i wonder how i'm still standing. i have just accepted that dealing with the after effects is going to be a part of my life for months and months to come. i'm trying my best to use this crappy experience as a catapult to making me an even better person. taking it day by day. it's so, so tough, this inner turmoil.

[journeynow]

canali,

 

I'm impressed with your progress and self care. Hang in there.

 

Little story that might help a wee bit. When I first blew up at his leaving, before he had admitted that's what he was doing, I went nuts and called his cell about 60 times in a row without him answering it. I felt like a crazy person. A mutual friend called to ask a favor and I burst into tears, and she came right over. When I told her how crazy I felt and how stupid I was acting she LAUGHED, bent over and laughed! Not what I expected and it made me laugh too. Then she said, suck it up, and move on, it's ok and perfectly understandable, just shake it off and carry on. Like a sports coach. You got tackled by feelings, knocked down momentarily, but you pick yourself up, let it go, and get back in your game. It may sting for awhile but you don't focus on it, there's too much going on. You really are doing great, canali, and I hope to be doing as well as you, soon. So, carry on, and keep us updated. ((((hugs))))

[journeynow]

...But one day I woke up and realized the hate was doing me more harm than him - he was winning. So I forgave him...

 

Good advice, viajera. Thanks. Reminds me of this quote from Nelson Mandela: "Resentment is like drinking a poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies"

Forgiveness, then, must be like giving yourself the antidote.

[canali]

journeyfornow: thanks alot...I need that TLC big time....I have a problem with endings even when I am the one to initiate them...I lost both parents when very young so have a problem with endings/closure/anger...hence am seeing a therapist for a few sessions in ''short term intensive psychotherapy'' to get at the root of these issues so they don't filter my views of how I operate now..short term for a few sessions and then I'm able to process and move on...I mean I KNOW rationally my waves of anger/abandonment/resentment with my ex is NOT entirely all about her.

 

that book 'the journey from healing to abandonment' by susan anderson helped out, too, in really speaking to me...i'm sure this theme is one shared by many people, ie those who have seen their parents divorce at an early age or themselves been abandoned after 10 or so years with a person...man that theme is a current one for many of us in keeping up locked into the past too much...

[createhappiness]

viajera, was there a point that you actually expressed forgiveness to your ex or did you just forgive him in your heart and never told him? and at what point after the break-up did you express this?

[journeynow]

canali,

 

Thanks for the book recommendation, I'll check it out. (er, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, right?) That early loss is carried with us, isn't it?

 

Thanks for being here.

[ratfreak]

I hated one of my exs for a long time for what he did to me and how badly he treated me. I moved on but I still had the hate and it was exhausting. I will never forgive him but I've stopped hating him because it won't change him and it won't help me.

 

What goes around comes around and I know that someone will treat him just like he treated me and other people in his life.

 

 

My last ex... still fresh - 6 weeks - I'm still hurt and angry but I'm trying to get over it. I'm angry because he made fun of me adn belittled me saw me in a bad light even though I know that I'm not the way he sees me. The anger makes me sad and I cry but it goes away...

 

Things will get better.

[viajera]

I just saw this:

viajera, was there a point that you actually expressed forgiveness to your ex or did you just forgive him in your heart and never told him? and at what point after the break-up did you express this?

 

I did actually tell him. He sent me a smart-a@@ email (one of his many) a few months after splitting up proclaiming something along the lines of "no such luck, I'm not dead yet, ha ha". I told him that I didn't hate him anymore and certainly didn't want him dead (or at least didn't care one way or the other), just pitied him. That shut him up for a while - he always loved getting a rise out of me, and once he realized he couldn't get the predicted response he gave up.

 

@ratfreak: yes, things will get better!

[Tracer]

I've found that letting my emotions out gives me the best release.

 

I had a crush for nearly 2 years on a girl in my high school and always kept my emotions (anger, sadness, etc.) bottled up, which left me feeling hollow inside because I wasn't being true to myself.

 

I only got over her by being with my now ex. But after she dumped me I realized that suppressing things didn't help the first time, why would it now? So when I'm feeling angry I let it out in ways that wont hurt others, like blasting angry music and working out. If I'm feeling lonely or depressed I accept that I'm feeling that way, wallow in it for a few minutes, throw around the questions I have like "why?" and "why the new guy?" then leave it behind. If I hold things back they'll turn into worse things, like anger into hatred. Can't waste time hating people or living in self-pity, you'll be stuck there forever.

[canali]

Anger is an emotion I'm having difficulty with lately--both at my ex and also at myself...in addition to prayer and forgiveness meditations im also seeing a therapist as I know this anger is not all about my ex

...a book I wish to recommend with some useful exercises is "Dare to forgive"...I forgot the author but do a google search and you will find a few interesting interviews he has given on this revelant subject...there is something about the type of anger when we break up that is just so overwhelming in its power at times eh?...you just know that that level of ferocity is not just about your ex but some unresolved baggage too....anyone agree?

[waveseer]

Anger is an emotion I'm having difficulty with lately--both at my ex but also at myself...in addition to prayer and forgiveness meditations im also seeing a therapist as I know this anger is not all about her...a book I wish to recommend with some useful exercises is "Dare to forgive"...I forgot the author but do a google search and you will find a few interesting interviews he has given on this revelant subject...something about the type of anger when we break up that is just so overwhelming in its power at times isn't it?...you just know that that level of ferocity is not just about your ex but some unresolved baggage too....anyone agree?

 

agree 100%, in fact, many times most of the anger has nothing to do with the current relationship nor it's status