I'm hopless. She's popping back into my life.

[troubbble]

Ok. I've posted on here before but not in a few weeks. Things went crazy in those weeks, good things, bad things, I just need some help right now, hope you guys can give that to me.

 

My 4 year relationship with my ex ended about 3 and a half month ago. There was a long period of contact and then she put NC into place. Then she called me about a month ago and she broke down about some problems she was having in her life. I consoled her and we talked about us. I asked if we could be together again. She said maybe in the future but she couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now. She needed to figure her own life out. So I tell her that that is fine but that we can't be friends because I can't deal with that. So I instate NC.

 

Last week I bought a house, one of many thing that I have done post break-up that I feel is me getting onto a good path of not only recovery but for my life in general. I go out Sunday night to celebrate at the bar with some friends. Out of nowhere my ex pop up and sees me, I see her, she more or less walks out of the place while looking in the other direction. I am hurt, I mean I said NC but i didn't say we shouldn't be civil to each other. I did my best to not let that ruin my evening, and while it did make it worse than it should have been I still had a good time.

 

Two days later I get a missed call from her with a message that says "Sorry. I know you don't want to talk to me but I have to ask you something." So being the strong willed individual that i am, I asked to take a break at work and ran off somewhere private to call her back.

She asks me what she is supposed to do when she sees me in public. I tell her that she can say hello and see how things are, and I would do the same. I do care about how she is, just don't need to know what she is doing with her life, for my own sanity. Well after we sort this out we talk for a little bit about each other's lives. It feels good. I end the call because of having to go back to work.

 

I get an e-mail on my phone 10 minutes later saying:

I hate this. I want to talk to you like I could a friend not an acquaintance I see in public. I'm lost and I feel like sometimes your the only person that can make me feel found again. Every time I see you it hurts more than before. It makes me second guess choices I made in the past. But it seems like you grew up more without me than with me so instead of holding you back it seems best for me to turn away and rebuild again alone.

 

This makes me feel like * * * * and like I should call her, but I hold back. At least until the next night when I've had a day with nothing to do and pleanty of time stew in my emotions. I call her. We don't really talk about much really. What each of us are doing. Gossip. Crap. Miss you's. Things like that. I ended the call because I was incredibly tired.

 

First, I shouldn't have broken no call. but now that the damage is done I'm wondering if this is an arm extended on her part to try to mend things between us and try again. or maybe its just insane manipulation. Either way I decided to go to NC again without telling her so if she wants to contact me she can.

But this is so incredibly difficult. I look at my phone every 5 minutes hoping she called.

[troubbble]

I realize this morning that I left out the question part of my post.

Should I take this as a starting point to try to fix the relationship. I mean, she did say she was having second thoughts about the choices she made. or should I continue NC? I realize that NC has been the best choice up until this point. It has allowed me to heal and has even given her time to think about the decision she made and about us. But where is the point when I am supposed to let her back in to try to rebuild the relationship?

 

Need advice.

[skirt]

She's right about one thing, you've been able to accomplish a great deal in her absence. Don't let her take you for granted again, keep up the NC until she contacts you. Right now she was reaching out to you because she needed your companionship, and you've made it very clear to her by now that you're only interested in her romantically. You don't want her to possibly take advantage of your feelings. My best advice to you is to stay away from your phone and try to forget that you reconnected at all until you're feeling more secure about her intentions with you.

[troubbble]

I know she contacted me for companionship, but thats part of what a relationship is. Let me make it clear that I will not contact her. But again. There are all sorts of posts on this forum about NC. and the rules, and why we should do it. But it never explains when it's appropriate to break it to try and get back the relationship you want. What if this was her saying that she was feeling like she made a mistake and wanted to take it slow? What if I'm missing my chance because I don't know when NC is good for healing and when it will push us apart to the point of no return. I can't see her, or anyone for that matter, coming up to me after 4 months of being apart and saying "I need to be with you completely. Take me back." We had problems, if the relationship has any chance we have to start from somewhere and work our way back to the point where we want to be. So again my question. When am I giving us space to heal, and when am I pushing her away?

[Regretful]

Tough one. How did the relationship end? Is there still a lot of resentment on both sides?

[troubbble]

not on my end at all. and i don't think on her end.

when the relationship ended there was resentment on both sides. she broke up with me and her reasons were that i wasn't there for her emotionally, and she felt like she put more work into it than I did. I disagree with this.

now that the dust has settled and I talked to her more recently I seems like she left because she felt lost in her life in general. Hated her job. graduated from school but wasn't doing what she wanted to do. was thinking about going back to school. etc etc. Lost in life.

I felt similar but not to the same degree.

I honestly think this time apart has been really good for me. It let me get things back in line with my life that I felt like I didn't have together before, just because I had gotten so used to the relationship and domestic life. But I still feel empty without her in my life. No matter what I do I feel empty.

[skirt]

Well if it ended because she was feeling neglected emotionally, (at least initially) and if during your time apart she worked out a lot of her other issues, I think it's fine to wait for her to contact you, and see if you can work through your differences. What I was saying before was, even though you may have a good chance of winning her back, you shouldn't wait around for her to call (which I know is hard). I know you're going to keep up the NC, but if you're staring at your phone every five minutes, that desperation can't be a clean start to anything.

[troubbble]

This is a long time after the break up. We've gone through a long period of NC. I want to know when to try to mend things. I mean it has to start somewhere right?

[skirt]

You can probably start as soon as she calls you, but that's all you can do. Is wait, but try your best not to feel anxious about it

[troubbble]

I'm doing my best not to. I just know that the next call is going to be similar to the last one. Where we talk, and say we miss each other but nothing is really said to work towards fixing things. How do i suggest trying again, and taking it slow, without putting on too much pressure, or pushing her away?

[skirt]

Maybe asking her to a few very platonic outings is a good step. You're going to need more contact than you're getting to know if this relationship is still right for you, you can read some of her body language and get a better understanding of her emotional state. It's just too easy to say anything you want over the phone, when you're not faced with the idea of any real confrontation. Of course, I'm not saying you should pressure her, but if you want to start getting over that emotional distance, it's a good idea.