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What level of contact should I have with alcoholic boyfriend if he is going 2 jail for assault & DWI

Alicia85

By Alicia85
in Relationship Advice

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Alicia85 Rookie

Alicia85

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don't read this if you will be judgemental, I am looking for solid, intelligent advice, perhaps from people who have dealt with violent alcoholics before. ******

 

Here's what happened: My boyfriend that lives with me got extremely drunk Friday night and beat me very violently while I was driving my car with my 8 month old daughter (not his) in the backseat, and then drove his car away when I got him back to his car. I called the cops because I was scared of him coming back and being more violent, and when they found him he obviously also got arrested for DWI, and also has a charge for endangering the welfare of a minor because my daughter was in the backseat when he was hitting me and that could have caused an accident, and pending charges for a hit and run because his car was damaged, if they can figure out what he hit.

 

When the police completed the reports they asked me if i wanted a stay away temporary order of protection, and when they asked me this and had me sign the paperwork, I was scared and it seemed like a good idea at the time due to my fear. The order of protection says that if he has any contact with me (phone, email, in person, or even through a third party) he will be charged with a violation of the order, but he still called me from jail, and I accepted the calls because his father told me he really needed to talk to me to apologize.

 

When I talked to him, he told me that he was blacked out when this happened, he has absolutely no memory of the events of that night, he feels absolutely terrible about it and cannot believe he did it. I believe it 100 percent that he didnt intentionally do these things. He has NEVER hit me before and he is not like this all when he is sober, but I also know that the bottom line is that he still did it, and does deserve to face the consequences. He is facing at least a year for the DWI and then another 8 months if I pursue the charges for the assault.

 

He was sober for 6 years from 2002 to 2008, so he has proven in the past that he can avoid alcohol, but last year he made the mistake of thinking he could handle drinks again, and it has been downhill from there for him since. I met him 6 months ago, and at first I would drink with him, but about 3 months ago I stopped drinking and he also cut back but, well obviously he is a person who should never ever drink. He told me that he never wants to drink again because he knows it brings out a very violent side of him that he hates, and he cannot control himself.

 

He says he is going to seek all of the help he can get and that he doesnt want to lose me. I know that I definitely plan to use the time while he is in jail to work on improving myself and getting therapy to learn how to have healthy relationships (I have a tendency to "need" men to boost my self esteem and I also am an "enabler"). I do not even know right now if I will stay with him after this, but I don't want to make that decision right now because I need to see how he does on a long term basis, and give myself time to heal as well. I also know that after he does get out of jail, that is the crucial time to see if he really means what he says, but i figure since I am going to be single anyways for a long time, in order to work on improving me, then if we are meant to be together, we will and it will be a healthy relationship, or not at all.

 

So, with all that in mind, and the fact that I love him very very much, at this point I think I want to have the order of protection removed, because I want to be able to write to him and possibly visit him in jail so he knows that I support him getting help for his alcoholism, and also so that he will know that I am not concerned with finding another man.

 

The problem is, my daughter's biological father is currently pursuing a custody case against me to avoid paying child support, and I am worried that if the court finds out that I requested to remove the order of protection from the man that endangered my daughter's welfare, they may view that as me not making the right choices for her, but the thing is, my boyfriend is in jail anyways so obviously that keeps us physically safe for now, and the only thing the order of protection does is increase the penalties for him if he is in contact with me... If I dont have it removed, then the only way I could keep in contact with him is through my boyfriend's father who will go and visit him and talk to him on the phone to tell him how I am doing and vice versa on how he is doing.

 

.....I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?

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JustBeachy Apprentice

JustBeachy

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You need to put your daughter first. His actions could have resulted in her death. I am trying to not be judgmental, but I will say that if you do lift the restraining order against him, it SHOULD and WILL effect your custody battle.

 

 

I agree 100%. You've only been together for 6 months. It's not like a 6 year relationship. I know you care about him and love him, but you need to use common sense and put your daughter #1.

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Blue Streak Newbie

Blue Streak

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You really should let him go. It's not really a question, you just need to. He is simply bringing pain to you and your daughter. He is clearly not beneficial to you or your daughter in any logical fashion.

 

The best thing for you right now is to dedicate all your free time to your daughter while she grows and develops. Your priority needs to be what is best for your daughter. You made that decision to raise a child. Once she is on her own as an adult, you can than be free to do as you wish relationship wise.

 

Is her real father involved in her life at all?

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thejigsup Experienced

thejigsup

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Honey, I will not be judgemental because I was once in your shoes. Well, not exactly, I was married to the guy. He was a sometime alcoholic who got violent when he drank, which became more often the longer we were married. One morning he hit me and I took our son and left with the clothes on my back. The fact that you have a child automatically denies you the "wait and see how it goes" card. Would you want to be the child of someone like that? Please, think of you child and let him do his time. FORGET HIM! There is a better-than-average chance that he will fall off the wagon and really hurt you and your child someday. Don't take that chance, you could lose your daughter over stuff like this.

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angellight Rookie

angellight

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.....I want to make the right choices for me, my daughter, and the man that I love, so what level of contact should I have with him?

 

 

The right choices for you and your daughter is to run like hell.....6 months and he beat you...especially in front of your daughter???? I dont care if he remembers or not, if he knows he has a problem with drinking, THEN YOU DONT DRINK.. why in the world would you want to visit him? Your priority is your child and yourself, he can work on his own problems without putting you and your child in danger....What happens next time, when he doesnt remember it, but your paralyzed or severely disfigured cause he ran into a bridge...How about your little girl? Do you want her growing up thinking its okay for a guy to beat the crap out her cause "hey, it was good enough for my mom, thats just what guys do"..

 

No judgement okay, but if you continue a relationship with this man then you should not make your ex fight for custody of your child...You should love her enough to hand her over to him so she can have a normal life...

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Alicia85 Rookie

Alicia85

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OK - I see that the unanimous answer is no contact and I agree because that is also what my friends and family say, and kinda what my logical brain says even though my heart is very very torn. My next question then is what do I do with his stuff and his dog? There is nobody that can take his stuff or his dog, so if I get rid of it, he will lose the very few precious things he has in this world, and the dog would basically be getting a death sentence and he will literally have nothing when he gets back, because everyting he owns is at my house.

 

I have the room in my house to store his belongings, and I love the dog and have the money to take care of him and like the protection of having the dog here, because guess what, go figure my daughter's father is also violent towards me and althoguh he hasn't come around for a few months, once he figures out that my current ex is out of the picture he may start harassing me again especially if he gets any visitation right awarded.

 

anyways ... so is it alright to contact him one final time, explain that I am not removing the restraining order because of the custody case, and i am also doing that for me because I want to work on myself - but that I wish him the best, and that when he gets out of jail he can come and get his property at that point?

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avman Grand Master

avman

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This is your biggest problem right here. If you didn't have the child in the middle of all this I'd tell you to go ahead and make your own choices about the relationship.

 

However, having a child means putting their needs first ahead of your own. This man has been violent to you. Which means he has also endangered your child. I don't think you should give him any chance to do it again.

 

Being in the middle of a custody battle makes it even messier. I promise you, this will come up. It's one thing if you leave the order of protection in place and never see this man again. That shows good judgment and protecting the child. However if you drop the order and continue contact with this man your daughters father can rightly claim that you are willingly placing her in a dangerous situation.

 

For the sake of your child and your own safety, don't continue this relationship.

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dragon lady Enthusiast

dragon lady

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I had something very similar happen to me when I was 18, but your case is much more severe. I didn't have a kid, I wasn't beaten severely and he wasn't arrested. I wanted to believe so badly that he loved me and wouldn't hurt me again. Of course, when problems arose in our relationship, he would start drinking again. Eventually I left. He is still drinking.

 

I wouldn't dare let this man in your life again. Not only for your sake, but for your daughter's. You can find someone who will treat you well. You deserve better than this.

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jenny_mcs Collaborator

jenny_mcs

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anyways ... so is it alright to contact him one final time, explain that I am not removing the restraining order because of the custody case, and i am also doing that for me because I want to work on myself - but that I wish him the best, and that when he gets out of jail he can come and get his property at that point?

 

No. Contact his father, whom you mention in your first post. Tell him that he needs to come get his son's dog & possessions. Don't keep these ties to the man that beat you and put your daughter in danger.

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