Im having irrational homicidal thoughts...Please help me.

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

I want to start this off by saying I am not crazy and am a very nice guy. But the past few days have been some of the hardest in my life. I am a 23 year old male who has really never harmed anyone, and never wanted to until recently. I am horrified and deeply disturbed by my thoughts that I have been having. Basically a few nights ago I was sitting around watching TV with my amazing GF, the woman of my dreams. And I was sitting on the couch eating an apple with a knife as I cut it into pieces. All of a sudden this horrible vision popped into my head of my slitting her throat with said knife.:sad: I dont know where this came from and why. Ever since then I have been in a constant state of paranoia.I cant get that image out of my head since then and every time I look at her I think about it. This is so horrible i cant even describe how it makes me feel inside. I know rationally I would never do such a thing and dont want to. But my brain is playing tricks on me. Now all of a sudden I doubt myself and wonder if I really want to do this! The image plays in my brain over and over and over again. Keep in mind, i have never had such thoughts in my whole life. I had a breakdown yesterday night after work and told her everything. She wasnt worried and told me she loves me and knows I wouldnt do such a horrible thing to her. And I know deep down inside I dont want to and would not do this. But now all of a sudden since I thought that i am doubting myself. I love her so much and have never laid even a finger on her and treat this girl like a queen. What is wrong with me? I will admit I am a very angry person at times with pent up rage inside and im scared I may blow. Im also pretty certain I suffer from extreme anxiety and have my whole life. Which may explain the constant obsession in my brain that cant let me forget it. I dont want to hurt anybody and the thoughts are deeply disturbing to me. And part of me thinks I may want to do it. But I think its just my brain getting the best of me. Ive had similar things in my past with my anxiety about many different subjects, but the premise is the same. Im battling with my own mind. Im in tears as I right this. I dont know what to do about it. Also a note....I have been a major pot head since I was about 16. I dont know if that has anything to do with it, but I think it might contribute to my anxiety. Also I was stoned when the thought first came to me. I swear Im not crazy. I need help and am not sure what to do. The last person in the world i want to hurt is her. Much less anybody else. Please give me some advice....Thank you.

[laisla]

i posted a thread about this a long time ago asking a similar type of question....it might be obsessive thoughts....i'd go to a psychologist and see what they have to say about it. you're not a bad person. sometimes the thoughts in our head just don't go away.

[1MoreChance]

Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist to be evaluated? It could be the beginning of a psychosis? Be careful with pot, it is known to induce states of psychosis (actually trigger skidzophrenia). I would get some help asap.

take care

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

If it doesnt get better soon I will go see somebody for help. Im scared I might act on these thoughts even though I know I wont and dont want to. Im not stupid. I know the ramifications and dont want those. What horrifies me is that I had them about her....i have no idea why. Shes amazing and has never done anything wrong to me. I also have stopped smoking since then. It does me no good and makes me obsess over negative thoughts more than I already do.

[Seymore]

I think the only time I ever had thoughts like those were while/after watching some violent movie. I'd see someone put a cigarette out in someone's face, think "How could someone do that?", picture myself doing it, shudder and stop thinking about it, realizing that if I can't even think about it without it upsetting me, I highly doubt I'd ever be able to do it. Hell, I can't even kill spiders - I catch and let them go outside.

 

Another example is when a friend of mine showed me a video of an actual suicide years ago. I didn't think it would show the whole thing, and when I saw it, I collapsed from shock. Ever since that day there have been times where I try and put myself in the person in the video's shoes, imagine if that was me. I'd never consider suicide, but part of me just wants to try and understand what a person would be thinking when they do something so terrible, and I wind up immersing myself in the thought. I wish I'd never seen that video, and I stay clear from the things that make me think those thoughts. I hate (and I don't like to use that word) that I think the thoughts, but I'd never act on them. But the number of times i've thought these things in the last few years I can count on one hand. I can see how these thoughts could scare you, because they ARE frightening.

 

I spoke to my brother once about it and he said that he thinks it's normal - almost an instinct, referring to how animals don't have the capacity for rationalization, and act on their instinct to hunt and kill. The difference between humans and animals is that we can decide what's right and wrong.

 

If these thoughts constantly play through your head, though - maybe a visit to a psychiatrist wouldn't hurt.

[angellight]

First, stop smoking pot, yes it can make you extremely anxious...I have smoked when I was younger and it always made me have anxiety...Hence the reason I have NO desire...Yeah, I think you should talk to someone...just to be sure...Even if you wouldnt do it, it is clearly bothering you alot... you may need some antidepressants or anti anxiety meds for a little while...

[alli]

Sometimes, you just get a thought in your head because it is so wildly inappropriate... like thinking about sex when you're at a church sermon. It's just so wrong, but once it's in your head it's like a song that you can't get out of your head.

 

I agree that you should seek help from a psychiatrist immediately. You know that this is something you don't want to do... but if it actually did, you would have a much larger problem on your hand. Be overly-cautious and get help now, rather than waiting and hoping these thoughts will just go away and find out they don't.

 

Good luck

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

See I think my anxiety plays a huge role in this. I know I wouldnt harm her, and nor do I want to. I think honestly the weed plays a role in this as well.

[1MoreChance]

the troubling thing is that you are afraid of acting on it. the fact that you know it's horrible and wrong to do it, and that you love your gf and that she has done nothing to you, doesn't change that.

 

I think you were wise to quit the dope. It causes problems with motivation, anxiety,... and it has been known to trigger the onset of skyzophrenia.

[1MoreChance]

See I think my anxiety plays a huge role in this. I know I wouldnt harm her, and nor do I want to. I think honestly the weed plays a role in this as well.

 

ok so you know for sure, that you will not act on this?

 

I can totally believe that weed can play into these kinds of thought. So many people who worship it and smoke it everyday make all kinds of excuses for it by saying alcohol is more dangerous, weed is a soft drug, etc., but the facts are still that it can give you so much anxiety and screwed up thinking and the THC levels are so high now, it's a lot more potent. It can become an addiction like any other drug (or activity, or food, etc.).

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

I wont do it. I love her and have never harmed anyone in my life intentionally. And this is the first time in my life these thoughts have emerged. Im 23 years old, and if I was a crazy killer Im pretty sure I would have had signs or symptoms way before this date, but I could be wrong on that....

[1MoreChance]

I wont do it. I love her and have never harmed anyone in my life intentionally. And this is the first time in my life these thoughts have emerged. Im 23 years old, and if I was a crazy killer Im pretty sure I would have had signs or symptoms way before this date, but I could be wrong on that....

 

I think you are on the right tract quiting the weed.

 

Have you thoguht of doing slow deep breathing exercises ? you can do them a couple of times a day, and when you get the thoughts also.

 

Physical exercise could help you too.

 

I hope you'll be ok.

[angellight]

I wont do it. I love her and have never harmed anyone in my life intentionally. And this is the first time in my life these thoughts have emerged. Im 23 years old, and if I was a crazy killer Im pretty sure I would have had signs or symptoms way before this date, but I could be wrong on that....

 

 

You are not crazy...Crazy people dont know their thoughts are off....But you SHOULD talk to someone..I mean I really doubt this is the problem but if it were some sort of schizophrenia that doesnt usually emerge until early twenties..Just to eaze your own mind and you may be a little depressed and need a little help..

[tiredofvampires]

I'm no mental health professional, and I haven't actually consulted one on this kind of thought process, but I would guess that more people have had such thoughts than are willing to admit to. I, for one, have experienced them and much like in your situation, it was with loved ones who I cherish most of all in this world. It's a terribly frightening experience to have a compulsive thought that's so compelling, it makes you wonder whether you're sane or not. But I do believe that if you have any anxiety issues or compulsive tendencies (as I do), that is not an uncommon cause of it.

 

I think what other posters have articulated are part of what I think goes on -- that your mind, in its imaginative capacities, wants to flesh out what it would feel like to be something monstrous to you, to do things that you would be horrified at which the human mind is capable of conjuring up and actually executing. I think there's an almost "fantasy" element in it; a horrific fantasy, but a fantasy nonetheless, where you are tapping into an irrational and dark side of your nature (which we all have, and consciously repress) and then once that Pandora's Box has been opened, it becomes so disturbing, you start to wonder about it and it starts to magnify itself. I think the very fact that it's so disturbing is one reason your mind won't let it go, and then your not being able to let go of the thought leaves you wondering if you are more serious about it than just a fantasy, which makes you even more scared of yourself. It's a bit self-perpetuating this way.

 

I've had thoughts that felt like impulses like this, as well as mortifying self-destructive thoughts, and while I felt sure I couldn't possibly act upon them (because I am a peace-loving person who can't kill a bug!), just the possibility that a person could do such a thing is a very hypnotic thought. I think as I've experienced it, it's like my mind toying with the darkest side of human nature and entertaining it as a possibility, trying to understand it, to the point that I feel I've "gotten into the part" enough to freak myself out.

 

I also think feeling this way about a dearly loved person has something to do with feeling afraid of losing them, quite ironically. The more you treasure them, the worse such a thought feels. Destruction of what we cherish most being the most terrible thing. So your mind is trying to entertain you with "what could be the most terrible thing in this world?" And strangely, that's a function of your feelings of their and your vulnerability because they are the LAST person you'd ever hurt or want to see hurt. It's like your brain trying on the most catastrophic experience.

 

I think we all have these very dark sides to us, it's just an irrational thought process.

 

But as others have said, I think it would put your mind at rest to see a mental health professional, just to have some peace of mind. And good you stopped the smoking, because I do know of people who have felt paranoid as a result.

[amipushy]

If it IS anxiety based-

 

It is the FEAR associated with the thought that has made it intensified and so alarming and it is because you are mentally fighting off these thoughts which has made your mind tired which is why it sticks and replays.

 

The more tired the mind, the more thoughts stick. The more fear we feel, the more the fear grows. Combined together it becomes an endless cycle of fear-thought -fear.

 

Like I said, IF it IS anxiety based- The way to get rid of these thoughts is get rid of the fear associated with it.

 

You KNOW that you would NEVER do that so BELIEVE it and shrug it all off and get on with your day and the fear will lose power over the thoughts and the thoughts will fade on it own.

 

It sounds too simple but with practise this really does work.

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

TiredofVampires- Your post was very helpful. Im what my friends and family would call a "tough guy". I dont get cry, or get emotional, and dont take anything from anybody. But Ive never been a mean person, or one who wants to harm and injure others. This woman means more to me than anything in the world. I cant even hardly describe how much I love and care for her. Why would this be in my head? Thats what bothers me so much. And now I realize since I thought about it I would have the ability to do it if I really wanted to. Ive never thought about this before. And ever since I got that thought of me cutting her throat in my head, my brain is constantly doing a replay and trying to put myself in those shoes to see if I would really want to do it. Its a viscous circle that kills my spirits. So my brain plays it over and over and over again trying to see if it really happened if I would like it. I doubt that makes sense, but thats what is going on. Like I said I have had this exact issue before MANY times in my past but about different things. And it was usually triggered by weed. Hence why I think its all in my head and my anxiety wont let me chalk it up as some harmless thought and let it go.

[tiredofvampires]

And now I realize since I thought about it I would have the ability to do it if I really wanted to. Ive never thought about this before. And ever since I got that thought of me cutting her throat in my head, my brain is constantly doing a replay and trying to put myself in those shoes to see if I would really want to do it.

 

Yes, I think this is the kind of "flirting" that your mind has glommed onto. You're flirting with the notion, "If I could think of it, I could do it, right? If homicidal maniacs go and do it, what's to stop these impulses in ME?" And that thought is so utterly unacceptable and terrifying, it just becomes a vicious cycle, as you said.

 

At least you have weed to blame. I don't take any drugs!

 

But you say you've had the exact same thoughts in the past. Maybe I missed something in the thread, but I thought you said this was the first time you've experienced this.

 

If you can trace it to the weed, by all means, I think perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist if the feelings don't subside in a week or two. Not because I believe you're a real danger, but because it would be good and alleviating to know what might counter the obsessive element as well as if you can expect being off the substances will lead to a fast remission of this.

 

But when this has happened to me, I noticed it was at times I felt I loved someone so much that if I did such a thing I couldn't possibly live with the consequences and they were very close to me. I don't think such thoughts ever about just random people on the street, neighbors, friends. It's only struck me when I was with people who loved and trusted me the most. In those moments it was like "What if I snap and become a demon? What if I become the antithesis of everything I believe in and am?" And that can fixate you, but it's not dangerous.

 

I think the best strategy is to tell yourself firmly in your own mind: "Stop this nonsense. You're not going to do anything of the kind." And just keep repeating that as you would sternly to a child who's trying to push your buttons. That's snapped me out of that mode. It's like a cognitive strategy.

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

I wasnt having the same homicidal thoughts before. What I meant was the trick my brain is playing one. The whole playing it over and over again is not new to me. Ive had this problem for awhile. And its the same ol same ol. Just about different subjects. But this is by far the most disturbing of them all.

[tiredofvampires]

So then you probably have, as I've mentioned, some compulsive tendencies, as I do. That's typical of compulsive-type thinking. You've just found a new thing to fixate on and because it the most disturbing thing ever, it's easily developed more charge to it, which just amplifies it.

 

It doesn't make you a murderer-in-the-making most likely.

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

Im hoping that after a few days off the pot my brain will start to clear and ill be thinking better again. Im hoping....because this is torture. Because I know if I ever got to the point of acting on those thoughts I would most likely just take my own life to spare another person. Which is a really depressing thought to have. Also there is a history of depression and anxiety in my family, so I think it could all be playing together here.

[NightLily]

I seriously doubt this is a manifestation of schizophrenia. Usually it isn't so much visual hallucinations as sound. And also, you wouldn't know so clearly that it was just an image that flashed in your mind.

 

Are you on any medication?

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

I seriously doubt this is a manifestation of schizophrenia. Usually it isn't so much visual hallucinations as sound. And also, you wouldn't know so clearly that it was just an image that flashed in your mind.

 

Are you on any medication?

 

 

No I dont take any medication. I just smoked weed pretty extensively for a good number of years. And have had to quit in the past for the anxiety related reasons then usually jump back into it once the symptoms fade.

[tiredofvampires]

Well, with your personal and family history, I think you need to make an absolute vow to yourself to stop the weed once and for all. This is your body saying NO to this, from here on.

 

Give yourself a few days and keep reminding yourself this is temporary, due to side effects of chemicals, such repetitive thoughts have worn off in the past, and that you will just not feed the thoughts by believing them.

[NightLily]

Ok. I was asking because when I was taking SSRIs I was getting very disturbing images of myself dead to a compulsive level.

 

To add to what Seymore said, until this is under control (through therapy, going off the pot, or medication if need be for your anxiety), I would avoid anything that would put those images in your head. I don't really watch horror movies anymore and I don't like violent video games.

[HELPMEPLEASE12]

I appreciate all the feedback from everybody. It means alot. Im going through a tough time and I hope these thoughts pass. Considering they have never happened before Im assuming Im freaking out over nothing....is this possible?